Angry at parner for changing jobs

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My partner and I have an almost 2-year-old daughter. It was a long road to get to her after 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I also had postpartum depression and it took a while for us to get into the swing of parenting. After a year of mat leave, I went back to work, reducing my house from full-time to 3 days. It is a tough juggling act but I am so glad I get to spent 2 weekdays with my daughter. After such a strenuous journey to get to parenthood (and settle in it), things finally felt good.

My partner managed to negotiate a deal with her employer when I returned to work which allowed her to drop her hours from full-time to 4 days. This meant that she could look after our daughter 1 day a week and they could spend valuable time together too.

Towarda the end of last year, my partner continued to express that she was unhappy at work. There were justified reasons for this (nothing too sinister - an unsupportive management and a dying sales market). What grinds me is that there were a variety of things my partner could have done to try to improve things but she didn’t act on any of them. She went bullish and decided to go for interviews. Before I had much time to process this, she had a job offer. She accepted it when I was very unwell with Covid and didn’t have the energy to properly debate whether it was the right choice.

Today she has gone away for the week to start her new role. She has given up her 1 day a week with our daughter and returned to full-time which has killed me. We have now had to increase our daughter’s nursery days from 2 to 3. Although she is doing well at present, we went through months of inconsolable screaming at each drop off. The thought of that happening again terrifies me. I am dreading taking my daughter in for the extra day and am worried she’ll feel let down or abandoned.

Further to this, my partner’s new job means earlier starts so I lose an extra half hour of my night/morning. She has also had to obviously give back her previous company car which I was insured on and loved driving, and has now got a new car which is a massive estate. As a nervous driver, I doubt I’ll ever get behind the wheel of it. And lastly, the new job is £2,000 less per annum than the previous one. So all of this for less income.

My partner knows I am upset, mostly about mt daughter having to increase her days at nursery. I have tried to be supportive and said we need to give it time but I am feeling so upset and bitter about it today. I put my body through a lot during IVF and pregnancy. I found maternity leave very hard but carried on and saw it through. I have dropped my salary by 40% to stay home and be with our daughter. I have put my career on hold. I guess I just wish my partner had also just grit her teeth, at least for another year or so, until our daughter was at preschool.

Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar. Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to feel less angry?

You are being unreasonable, sorry. You've made it all about yourself. Your partner hasn't done anything wrong. You're part time to spend more time with your baby. You don't need your partner to work part time hours too. One person in most partnerships usually works full time. Sounds like the old job would have become redundant anyway.

This

Is this a reverse?

Your partner was sensible to get out of the job when she did. Far better than flogging a dead horse.
How many days a week do you work?

YABU, mostly.

At that age, your daughter will barely be aware that she’s having an extra day a week at nursery. The days of the week don’t mean much to her.

If she’s happy going to nursery now, she won’t suddenly become unhappy if she’s going in an extra day.

The car thing is a you problem, and your partner can hardly be expected to stay in her job because you like driving the company car. Same with the early starts.

The main issue I’d say is the lower salary. If you can’t afford to lose the 2k/year, that’s something that should have been discussed as a family. If you can afford to lose it, then work satisfaction trumps salary every time.

I haven’t read other people’s responses yet so don’t know what they think but I think you’re being selfish in this situation.

Whilst I have sympathy as you are obviously very down and I agree it should have been a joint decision, I think you might be downplaying the impact her job was having on her. I can't imagine anyone would take on a role with more hours and less pay unless they are deeply unhappy. Its possible she wasn't even showing you the true extent of how miserable she was

Kindly, because I can understand you’re feeling upset by all this and seem to be finding it all a bit of a struggle, this is all a bit of a to-do about nothing imo.
The extra day a week at nursery, while not ideal in some ways, isn’t the end of the world. It sounds as though your wife dropped a day to spend with your daughter for more her own benefit than necessarily for your daughter’s, altho I’m sure it was lovely for them both.
It sounds as though this decision was discussed at each stage, just the outcome of the discussions weren’t what yiu
personally would have chosen or ‘allowed’ (for want of a better word!). I expect her pay will increase as she looks for and takes new opportunities within her new workplace.
The fact you’re too nervous to drive a ‘massive’ estate car really is neither here nor there, and I wouldn’t have even considered that if I was your wife.
She was unhappy in her job, she looked for and got a new one. Some adjustments have had to be implemented and very soon this will all be the new normal.

Sorry but I had to laugh at the bit where you lose half hour in the morning 🙈🙈 I think tbh be thankful she's got another job to go to and not just loafing about expecting you to increase your hours.

Sorry you've had such a hard time on here OP, you're clearly feeling vulnerable and I wish people would be more thoughtful. Just wanted to say on the nursery issue that there would be no reason to think she would be upset by an extra day if she's already doing two. It's extremely common for babies to scream a lot on drop off for a few months as they are settling in, it's awful but normal. If she's now settled then an extra day won't make any difference at all. And anyway as a previous poster said, kids actually usually settle and do much better at nursery if they're there at least three days a week.

I would also say that as your daughter grows you will be so thankful that you have an estate car, you'll need it!

There is a lot of "you" in your post, but I agree with you that there is a lot of "me" in the decisions that your partner has made.

I agree with the poster above who said that you need to learn to communicate better. You also need to work more collaboratively as a team. Presumably what you all want is for your whole family - you, your partner, your DD - to be as happy as possible in the circumstances, so you both need to stop acting selfishly and have some honest discussions.

I just wanted to say that DS cried for months at drop off, and I know how hard it is. But after a few months, he was perfectly happy being dropped off and would happily wave goodbye. Some children just take longer than others.

By complaining about losing a little of your lie in and a car that you like to drive, you come across quite self centred and selfish. You’re focusing on the wrong things so it’s hard to take your thread seriously.

People are so mean, you’ve obviously been so through so much and this new change is shaking the boat as soon as you’re starting to feel more in control and things are manageable. Things should have been discussed before a big change being made. Yanbu to feel the way you do about how hard things are at the moment but ultimately if she wants to change job it is up to her. Things will settle down again in a few months try not to worry x

I think possibly that your daughter will settle better doing more hours at childcare. I noticed my kids enjoyed it more when they more days at 3 years old as they were able to get into the routine and make friends.
I think the move should have been discussed more but if your partner is happier that should surely count for something?

I think you probably struggle with change which I have to admit I do too. I wonder if it has triggered anxiety in you, are you still receiving treatment? I think the best thing to do is to see how this new routine goes and how the job goes, your partner may not stay in it for long in any case but I think you need to be supportive.

This is such bollocks.

Why do you misogynists lie like this all the time?

There are posts like this where the partner is male, and they go the way this one is.

Having read the update, I can see why you are feeling so frustrated about the change in circumstances re your partners job. In your original it made it sound like she was deeply unhappy, in reality that seems less the case. I would echo others, when my children were little, the children who struggled the most to settle at nursery were the ones doing the least number of days. If you want a more home based environment you might want to consider a childminder rather than nursery. She won’t feel abandoned by doing 3 days, but I would strongly recommend having some therapy to talk through your distress (in addition to communicating your frustrations to your partner).

For what it's worth, going to three days a week at nursery rather than two is likely to, if anything, reduce the risk of your child being upset at drop-off.

My DS is 3.5 has always done five days since he was 1 and goes through phases of being upset and not. Sometimes it's a phase and will happen regardless of the number of days. You can't necessarily control it.

I am not sure I understand why so many people say you are being unreasonable. She made a major life decision that impacts your family and finances, without any real discussion with you. Of course that's not okay.

Of course she gets the ultimate say in her career options, but if DH suddenly announced he was going to stop working part time, go full time AND earn less money, I'd have a lot to say about it because it's not just about him.

This should have been a proper discussion between you in which you agreed on what is doable and not, and how you were going to manage any changes. I bet that her longer hours means you're dumped with extra childcare/household work too?

But YABU to complain about the car! Buy your own or learn to driver hers.

I think you have been quite harshly criticised. Listening to a child scream when they are taken to nursery is not easy and not something you want to do more often.
Who is taking the baby to nursery on this extra day? If the new job means your partner goes out earlier and gives you an extra day of nursery drop off then that should not just have been assumed.
I get that being in a job that makes you unhappy is hell and bad for MH but so is everything that you have been through.

People are being incredibly unfair- OPs partner has made a decision to work more, earn less and increase their outgoings- I don’t blame them for being annoyed!

Purely from your daughter's perspective I doubt she will realise that she's going 3 days to nursery instead of 2.

Also, you might find that she will actually settle in better. Two days a week is a very short time to get used nursery. I have found that actually 4 days works the best but may be that's just my kids. Anything less than that and they never got a chance to feel at home at nursery before spending a long time at home and then having to refamiliarise themselves again.

I’m sorry that people’s reactions are not what you were expecting or hoping for. I think that a lot of people are under a great deal of stress, both financial and social, these days, and perhaps that makes them judge others’ problems more harshly.

But my , I hope constructive , suggestion , is that you stop focussing on how much physical and emotional turmoil your daughter has ‘cost’ you. You must have been very keen to have a child to go through all those procedures and disappointments. I presume ( although you don’t say so) that your partner was equally invested in you both having a child.

I feel though that you need to move on from all that pain and anxiety, because it is colouring how you feel about your life going forward. Before you shrug and think I don’t understand, my partner has had a life threatening illness which has left him with irreversible disabilities. But we have just decided to stop grieving our old lives, to put the ( terrible) worry and grief behind us, and make the best life we can NOW.

Take a deep breath, OP, and count your blessings. You have a child, you have a partner whom I presume you love, you even have a car you don’t have to pay for! You’ll be okay, if you let yourself.

Yes I think she should have told you before changing jobs when it meant less money coming in. But sounds like you have both been through a difficult time and a bit of give and take is needed.

Kindly, what is don’t is done now, she has a new job and that isn’t going to change.

Plus, there’s not too much to be upset about…

The net pay reduction is very minimal, losing half an hour to yourself a few days per week is very minimal, you’ll get used to the car and your baby won’t notice the extra day in nursery. In fact, most nurseries around here won’t take for less than 3 days as it is much harder for them to settle on only 1 or 2 days per week.

I think that you’re not fully recovered from your PND. The issues that you raise shouldn’t be causing you to cry. Irritated for sure, but not crying. If you were under the care of a therapist at the height of your PND I think you should reach out to them again.

take care OP x

This. The ' she should just have sucked it up' stance is very cold. Look at the bigger picture. Perhaps in the next few years she may have better earning potential. But even if this is not the case, I doubt your partner would have chosen less money, more hours and earlier starts if she was not really unhappy. She matters too - it's not just about you

I dont think two-year olds really know what day it is (or maybe they do, mine isn't quite that age yet)? Either way I'm not sure she'll clock going from 2 to 3 days.

Sounds like you might be feeling generally resentful and perhaps need to think about why: perhaps you need your wife to acknowledge more the hard work you did through pregnancy, and the work you're doing now? Are you the "default" parent? Maybe need some communication around that?