Angry at parner for changing jobs

[faded07]

My partner and I have an almost 2-year-old daughter. It was a long road to get to her after 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I also had postpartum depression and it took a while for us to get into the swing of parenting. After a year of mat leave, I went back to work, reducing my house from full-time to 3 days. It is a tough juggling act but I am so glad I get to spent 2 weekdays with my daughter. After such a strenuous journey to get to parenthood (and settle in it), things finally felt good.

My partner managed to negotiate a deal with her employer when I returned to work which allowed her to drop her hours from full-time to 4 days. This meant that she could look after our daughter 1 day a week and they could spend valuable time together too.

Towarda the end of last year, my partner continued to express that she was unhappy at work. There were justified reasons for this (nothing too sinister - an unsupportive management and a dying sales market). What grinds me is that there were a variety of things my partner could have done to try to improve things but she didn’t act on any of them. She went bullish and decided to go for interviews. Before I had much time to process this, she had a job offer. She accepted it when I was very unwell with Covid and didn’t have the energy to properly debate whether it was the right choice.

Today she has gone away for the week to start her new role. She has given up her 1 day a week with our daughter and returned to full-time which has killed me. We have now had to increase our daughter’s nursery days from 2 to 3. Although she is doing well at present, we went through months of inconsolable screaming at each drop off. The thought of that happening again terrifies me. I am dreading taking my daughter in for the extra day and am worried she’ll feel let down or abandoned.

Further to this, my partner’s new job means earlier starts so I lose an extra half hour of my night/morning. She has also had to obviously give back her previous company car which I was insured on and loved driving, and has now got a new car which is a massive estate. As a nervous driver, I doubt I’ll ever get behind the wheel of it. And lastly, the new job is £2,000 less per annum than the previous one. So all of this for less income.

My partner knows I am upset, mostly about mt daughter having to increase her days at nursery. I have tried to be supportive and said we need to give it time but I am feeling so upset and bitter about it today. I put my body through a lot during IVF and pregnancy. I found maternity leave very hard but carried on and saw it through. I have dropped my salary by 40% to stay home and be with our daughter. I have put my career on hold. I guess I just wish my partner had also just grit her teeth, at least for another year or so, until our daughter was at preschool.

Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar. Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to feel less angry?

I think it’s actually really hard for kids to be in nursery two days - five days away then having to get used to it again every week, and missing out on interactions, activities etc. this is said in the spirit of trying to make you feel better. My son was actually happy at nursery when he went five days rather than three! My youngests childminder won’t take kids for two days because it’s too hard to settle them in.

killer to find an extra nursery day on less pay though, but it’s only temporary and can you get the new free hours for two year olds?

Decisions should be made as a team and that doesn't look like the case here

is this the first time this has happened or a pattern of behaviour

Was the partner really struggling or just made an imusive change

Its all the nuances that are important

Also do you pool all your money?

I think it’s actually really hard for kids to be in nursery two days

It is. //nursery teacher

So the partner can't change job without permission then?

It’s not a question of ‘asking for permission’. You’re not a child anymore.

But being an adult doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want, whenever you want wo also thinking about the impact on others. That’s what marriage is.
If you want to not have to take a partner into account when taking decisions about things like your job, dint get married. Dont have children. Get a FWB and then you’ll be able to change job wo a second thought for others.
As soon as you start bringing someone who is sharing your life, you are going to have to talk to them, include them in the decision making (that affects then) and negociate. Not doing so would be reverting back to being a child, self centred and thinking only about themselves.

Assuming that the OP’s partner is a higher rate tax payer (due to them being able to afford OP going part time, IVF, having company car etc) then after tax that £2k drop in salary is only around £70 per month hit. Could be even less.

Plus it doesn’t sound like the OP’s issues around this change are financial which indicates that they’re not so strapped for cash that £70 per month would have a huge impact.

I've worked in nurseries. Full time children are far more settled than part timers so don't worry about that. Claim as many free hours as you can!

It is your partner's career not yours. You made the choices you have because you wanted to. So has she.
She told you that she hated her job, perhaps you didn't listen enough.
Maybe she has now realised that staying at home with a child isn't for her, it isn't for everyone. Some mums want to go back to work.
I actually laughed when I read about the company car... Diddums.