Angry at parner for changing jobs

[faded07]

My partner and I have an almost 2-year-old daughter. It was a long road to get to her after 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I also had postpartum depression and it took a while for us to get into the swing of parenting. After a year of mat leave, I went back to work, reducing my house from full-time to 3 days. It is a tough juggling act but I am so glad I get to spent 2 weekdays with my daughter. After such a strenuous journey to get to parenthood (and settle in it), things finally felt good.

My partner managed to negotiate a deal with her employer when I returned to work which allowed her to drop her hours from full-time to 4 days. This meant that she could look after our daughter 1 day a week and they could spend valuable time together too.

Towarda the end of last year, my partner continued to express that she was unhappy at work. There were justified reasons for this (nothing too sinister - an unsupportive management and a dying sales market). What grinds me is that there were a variety of things my partner could have done to try to improve things but she didn’t act on any of them. She went bullish and decided to go for interviews. Before I had much time to process this, she had a job offer. She accepted it when I was very unwell with Covid and didn’t have the energy to properly debate whether it was the right choice.

Today she has gone away for the week to start her new role. She has given up her 1 day a week with our daughter and returned to full-time which has killed me. We have now had to increase our daughter’s nursery days from 2 to 3. Although she is doing well at present, we went through months of inconsolable screaming at each drop off. The thought of that happening again terrifies me. I am dreading taking my daughter in for the extra day and am worried she’ll feel let down or abandoned.

Further to this, my partner’s new job means earlier starts so I lose an extra half hour of my night/morning. She has also had to obviously give back her previous company car which I was insured on and loved driving, and has now got a new car which is a massive estate. As a nervous driver, I doubt I’ll ever get behind the wheel of it. And lastly, the new job is £2,000 less per annum than the previous one. So all of this for less income.

My partner knows I am upset, mostly about mt daughter having to increase her days at nursery. I have tried to be supportive and said we need to give it time but I am feeling so upset and bitter about it today. I put my body through a lot during IVF and pregnancy. I found maternity leave very hard but carried on and saw it through. I have dropped my salary by 40% to stay home and be with our daughter. I have put my career on hold. I guess I just wish my partner had also just grit her teeth, at least for another year or so, until our daughter was at preschool.

Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar. Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to feel less angry?

Sorry but your post is all about you and how you feel about it, nothing about your partner or the toll staying in a bad job can take its toll on your mental health. You’re more concerned about her having a new car than whether she’s happy in the workplace - which is extremely important if she’s spending all of her working week there. Get a grip of your priorities and stop the pity party.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here!
I'd be pretty peeved if someone didn't talk to me about a decision like that before making it. The car etc and the change in salary are not the issues given how small the difference is, but the impact on childcare and your time are.

However you would have to recognise that this discussion may still have led to the same outcomes. It's just about you being forewarned and feeling considered by being communicated with. Otherwise you are suggesting that your partner should have given you the right of veto which I don't think is a fair expectation.

@faded07 Based on your update it’s clear why your partner didn’t discuss it with you. Instead of taking on board the majority of comments and reflecting you’ve doubled down on your ‘woe is me’ and want shut down the conversation by flouncing.

Agree, possibly she had to jump before she was pushed.

YABU.
You’re being really selfish and have no empathy for your partner here.
These life choices should be discussed but you can’t go back and say well I would have discussed if if I hadn’t had flu. Like, you can’t have even given her an inclination you weren’t happy about it.
You worry about an extra day at nursery is valid but only because you’re a Mum and it’s normal to feel that way, but you can’t blame that on your partner.
You worry your daughter will be upset, that hasn’t happened yet so why are you annoyed about that… and again shouldn’t be blamed on your partner. Your daughter will also pick up that you are anxious about this extra day.
You hate the new shiny free car (poor you!!!!)
£2000 less a year is annoying and is a lump less a month to adjust to for sure so I understand that’s not ideal but a small price to pay for your partner to not be miserable!

I think you might need to get over yourself a bit

I do not know why you’ve been given such a hard time here OP. I would be absolutely furious if my partner accepted a job which affected our childcare without discussing it with me first! I’d also be pretty irritated at someone complaining they missed their non-working day when they have voluntarily given it up. Is your partner thinking she’ll get her feet under the table at the new job and then ask about part time or flexi working?

People are saying £2k less isn’t much, but she was only working 4 days before - if she’s making £2k less on a full time job than she was on a 4 day week before, that’s a pretty massive income drop, and comes with the added cost of the extra day at nursery.

She was unhappy at work and she’s entitled to find a job that makes her happier (even if that means a pay cut) but once you have kids those decisions affect the whole balance of family life and I’d be really disappointed if my partner made them with discussion.

This isn't about you yet you have made it about you. Your extra 30 minutes, the car you drove, how you can't drive the new car.

It's awful being stuck in a job you absolutely hate.

I managed to get through maternity leave.
Jesus.

And yes, I'd get up half an hour earlier if it meant my partner being happy at work.

Wow you sound totally self absorbed. One parent working full time is very common and usually necessary. Have some sympathy for your partner. The fact you say ‘my daughter’ is incredibly telling…

Gently, YABU. Not everyone wants to stay at home and look after their dc, a lot of people prefer work to young kids (I certianly did). It doesnt make her a bad parent or mean your daughter will be traumitised from attending 1 extra day at nursery.

Yes, I think you should have discussed it more, especially the impact on you, but i don't think she is wrong for 'not gritting her teeth' and being miserable instead. Her happiness matters too.

And maybe I’ll get piled on. But surely you had to have IVF if you’re a same sex couple? You must have known that going in?

I'm shocked at the responses. I hope you're ok @faded07 ? Reading your post, I felt that your partner sounds selfish. When you're a family, you should both be discussing big changes together. Of course, if she was unhappy in her job, that had to be addressed, but to just change job which impacted on the car, salary, childcare, that absolutely should have been discussed with you first.

Did she want a child? Is she struggling with parenthood? Are you a team normally?

People who haven’t gone through IVF really don’t understand how physically and mentally gruelling it is. I read once that a large percentage of people who have been through IVF experience PTSD or PTSD like symptoms as a result. It sounds like you are struggling emotionally right how and part of it may be due to not having dealt with the trauma that you experienced . Unprocessed trauma can make everything else feel worse and less manageable. If you can see a psychologist who has experience treating trauma or PTSD then that would probably be helpful.

What's your point? Women know we have to go through pregnancy and childbirth to have our own child, but that doesn't mean we don't often struggle or suffer with it. IVF is really tough to go through, along with multiple miscarriages, knowing it's tough before going through it doesn't mean that women aren't allowed to find it tough.

Honestly, OP. I think most replies have been kind and honest. You can't come on a forum and expect everyone to side with you- go to mates for that.

It is rather a shock I know. But, when the dust has settled you will feel better about the change. For now, discuss with DP a better approach to communication, especially if you struggle with change - they should have been more sensitive towards the situation. But, they must have been unhappy to do something so big. Your DC will be great, happy and loved regardless- I had to make a big and rather upsetting work change when my 2nd DC was tiny and it stayed with me a long time - upset, anxiety, feeling like a rubbish mum, but you will overcome. ❤️ good luck!

I, I, I, me, me, me.

Your poor partner.

true

You sound terribly unhappy, OP. I hope that you have some real-life support that you can draw upon.

This all seems a little one sided, ie from your POV only disguised as baby's best interest. Your OH was in a job that made her miserable. I doubt very much she didnt tell you this but maybe you didnt realise just how unhappy she was. Shes come up with a solution and you've said ok go ahead, now you've changed your mind.
I doubt she particularly wants to work 5 days but that's what was on offer. Would you both be prepared to take a drop in income if she was able to reduce her hrs to 4 days?
Sounds to me like your real gripe is you expected her to understand what you meant, not what you said. You're blaming the stress of Covid fir causing you to make hasty decisions yet the stress shes experiencing from her job should just be endured for a few more years and sucked up!

Most people spend more time at work than they do at home and being miserable at work is fucking shit.

Your partner doesn't need your permission to change jobs and most couples work full time whilst raising a child. Such is life.

Yes, she could have had a conversation with you however your mind seems set that it was the wrong choice, whereas she wanted to make the change so went ahead regardless.

And the fact you're pissed off and whining about losing access to a car you like driving whilst your partner was stressed and hated her job makes it clear why she didn't take your opinion into consideration.

YABU - its all about you you you

This is surely a reverse?

Can't believe a lot of these replies.

OP hasn't thought about her partner? Try the other way round. Partner has decided they aren't going to look after their child by themselves after all, op is going to be stuck with all the no warning plans changed stay at home with sick child situations for example. Partner now living basically as if their life is not impacted by having a child. Essentially in the stereotypical useless old fashioned dad role.

Meanwhile op has been through ivf, baby loss, pregnancy, birth, recovery, post partum depression, maternity leave which is quite a life change to deal with, changing her work pattern, being responsible for the one person childcare days.

Which bit of the partner's behaviour is not about what the partner wants?

They kind of do.