Angry at parner for changing jobs

[faded07]

My partner and I have an almost 2-year-old daughter. It was a long road to get to her after 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I also had postpartum depression and it took a while for us to get into the swing of parenting. After a year of mat leave, I went back to work, reducing my house from full-time to 3 days. It is a tough juggling act but I am so glad I get to spent 2 weekdays with my daughter. After such a strenuous journey to get to parenthood (and settle in it), things finally felt good.

My partner managed to negotiate a deal with her employer when I returned to work which allowed her to drop her hours from full-time to 4 days. This meant that she could look after our daughter 1 day a week and they could spend valuable time together too.

Towarda the end of last year, my partner continued to express that she was unhappy at work. There were justified reasons for this (nothing too sinister - an unsupportive management and a dying sales market). What grinds me is that there were a variety of things my partner could have done to try to improve things but she didn’t act on any of them. She went bullish and decided to go for interviews. Before I had much time to process this, she had a job offer. She accepted it when I was very unwell with Covid and didn’t have the energy to properly debate whether it was the right choice.

Today she has gone away for the week to start her new role. She has given up her 1 day a week with our daughter and returned to full-time which has killed me. We have now had to increase our daughter’s nursery days from 2 to 3. Although she is doing well at present, we went through months of inconsolable screaming at each drop off. The thought of that happening again terrifies me. I am dreading taking my daughter in for the extra day and am worried she’ll feel let down or abandoned.

Further to this, my partner’s new job means earlier starts so I lose an extra half hour of my night/morning. She has also had to obviously give back her previous company car which I was insured on and loved driving, and has now got a new car which is a massive estate. As a nervous driver, I doubt I’ll ever get behind the wheel of it. And lastly, the new job is £2,000 less per annum than the previous one. So all of this for less income.

My partner knows I am upset, mostly about mt daughter having to increase her days at nursery. I have tried to be supportive and said we need to give it time but I am feeling so upset and bitter about it today. I put my body through a lot during IVF and pregnancy. I found maternity leave very hard but carried on and saw it through. I have dropped my salary by 40% to stay home and be with our daughter. I have put my career on hold. I guess I just wish my partner had also just grit her teeth, at least for another year or so, until our daughter was at preschool.

Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar. Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to feel less angry?

To me it looks like a lot of planning went into having this baby, also lots of heartache. You both decided during the planning that you would work 3 days a week and your partner 4, your partner has now backed down from this agreement without any discussion with you and you’ve been left with most of the responsibilities of being a parent. You sound as though you’re struggling in this situation with little support or understanding from your partner. I think that YNBU and your partner should step up to the plate. Explain to your partner how your are feeling, hopefully she’ll realise that she’s completely underestimated and disregarded your feelings.

I would be pissed off at this as well.

The 'job hopping' behaviour of your DP needs to be discussed in detail with her. Fine if you are footloose and fancy free but you cannot do this if it negatively affects your family unit for little to no benefit.

It is awful being trapped in a job you hate as well, but it sounds like this is not necessarily the case.

Any job move my DH or I take (internal or external), we talk at length about the impact on the family and whether it's 'worth' it.

You’re angry because SHE had to return a company car that YOU liked to drive? 😂

I wouldn't worry about DDs extra nursery day. If she's stopped screaming at drop off it's because she likes it and is comfortable with the separation now. I very much doubt an extra day will cause a regression, as at 2 its like it or don't, not like it two days but not 3.

That said, I'd be disappointed if I thought my partner had committed to a level of involvement/care of our child then reneged on that, because I think decisions about who inputs what with DC should be discussed and negotiotiated between the parents not decided unilaterally.

In terms of the income drop and loss of car I think you're being unreasonable though as your partners wellbeing should come before these things. The real issue for me is that it wasn't discussed though. Your partner seems to be thinking more as an individual than as part of a team. Does she see DD as 'your' baby primarily do you think?

I can't believe the pettiness of even typing out that you resent having lost your partner's company car that you enjoyed driving. That's a crazy think to mention. YABU as you feel your partner should stay in a job she dislikes for your convenience. You are lucky that a parent can afford to spend two days at home with your baby.

YANBU to be a bit upset but I think you are projecting issues that have nothing to do with the situation at hand. More consideration should have been given to how this will impact your daughter and you.

However, a job you dislike and where you're underperforming is an absolute killer. So you do need to look at it from her perspective. She should have discussed it with you more but maybe she felt you weren't listening - what's the point of talking if the other person won't budge? YABU about the car, just drive it, it will be fine.

I’m with the majority of other posters here. One extra day of nursery, getting up half an hour earlier and not being able to drive a car that wasn’t even yours. YABU.

You need to read your own post back, slowly, and see how selfish it sounds. You have much bigger issues to deal with than the inconviences you mention like the car (I genuinely double blinked reading that part).

I think you both just need to be so much more open and honest with each other about how you're feeling. It sounds like, although it was a juggle, you had a work life balance and lifestyle you liked, and assumed this suited your partner too. She's now made changes to improve her life, which have changed your family's lifestyle choices, but not in an unrealistic or unfair way. It's not unreasonable for your child to go to nursery 3 days a week or for you to need to get up slightly earlier to accommodate this change.

I'm a SAHM, my husband used to permanently work from home and chose to do the school drop off. It was a lovely set up for me. He's now got a different job, and I do all the school runs and more, which means being up and ready earlier. It is what it is to make our family work. He wanted to change jobs, and I have to do school run to support him. He's also now out until 7pm some days, which means any clubs, I have to do drop offs and pick ups and worst of all, drag all 3 children along every time. My life is significantly harder with his new job, but it's what needs to he done.

Every now and again, I contemplate returning to work, (part-time) and my husband would be fully supportive, despite the fact I'd earn next to nothing after nursery fees and after school club, plus life logistics would become even more complicated for everyone, but he'd make that sacrifice and support me, if that's what I wanted.

You can't stop her changing jobs, but you should have both discussed the change in situation and worked it all out. It's a communication problem.

Also, the IVF was physically hard on you, but your partner also lost 4 babies and had to be supportive of you whilst grieving herself. You need to move on and not hold the pregnancy against her. Every now and again I remind my husband of the sacrifices my body made, but in gest. It's done and in the past l, and there's nothing that could have been done aboir it.

I really hope you are still seeking support for your PND as reading this post and seeing the resentment you have for your partner makes me think you are still very much suffering from it.
I get the impression your partner did talk to you but based on how self centred your post comes across I don't feel like you heard them.
I don't believe this is the real you coming across, I think this is the struggling you and you need to seek help and support.

Me me me me me. no wonder partner didn't discuss.

I think your partner has been bang out of order.

It's unacceptable to change jobs and then bring 2k a month less into the household without serious in depth discussion. Its also unacceptable to increase a child's time at nursery without serious in depth discussion.

I'd have blown my lid if my DH had done it to me.

But the partner's plans were all me me me about themselves.
While negatively impacting the op

So much about your op would be minor irritations to most people and it seems like you are blowing a lot of them out of proportion, perhaps because you are overwhelmed with working and parenting in general.

Sorry to say you sound like hard work, nit picking minor issues after the fact and the time you had to speak up, instead of looking for solutions.

Look for solutions and work out how you and your partner can work together to balance the stress out.

By the way, I was a bit apprehensive about driving an estate but modern estates with parking sensors and/or cameras are really not that difficult and once you have driven a few times you barely notice when driving it is a little bigger unless you regularly need to parallel park in tight spaces, and the boot space is great for days out/sitting on when out. At least give it a go!

3 days at nursery will be good for your DC. It is when DC only go once or twice a week they tend to get upset. If DC went 4 or even 5 days a week that would be fine. Your partner must have been more unhappy than you realised to work more hours for less money. Try to be supportive of your partner it would have been a difficult decision for her to give up her day with your DC whilst you get 2 days a week. Any chance of working 4 days each?

How very dare they 😂😂

@Dacadactyl £2k per year.

Ah ok well that's slightly better then! But I'd still expect a discussion about it!

What stands out for me in you post is your anxiety. Somehow I think it is you who has separation anxiety and/or is unhappy with your dd having to go to nursery and you are projecting it on your dd. Kids pick up on feelings like this. You need to start controlling your emotions/start therapy as you will end up damaging your dd and your relationship.
good luck!

There was an attempt to discuss it.

Op, apparently, was too ill to discuss it. Most people don’t get a unlimited amount of time to make decision on a job.

Lets be honest, ‘I am too ill to even discuss, something I don’t want you to do’ is a brush off.

Was the partner meant to just keep refusing job offers if op didn’t feel well enough to discuss.

Is this about you or her, does she not get to be happy to be in a job she enjoys and feels happy in? All because you don’t get to drive her car and have to look after your child more?? Your child will be fine in childcare as are many some are even in 5 days an cope. Families work, parents work that’s life. She’s not given up time with your child on a whim.

sorty but you sound very you you you nowhere have you empathised about how your partner felt when you went through ivf pnd then Covid no it’s all how you were hard done by and yes you were but you’re a couple and parents so a supposed ‘team’? You both need to work on your communication skills and partnership

In a healthy relationship there probably should have been more discussion, but it really wasn’t your decision to make or ‘debate’.

@faded07 💐 I'm going to disagree with seemingly nearly everyone and say that I can see your point of view and that it sounds reasonable to me. You wrote about the things that were bothering you - the lack of consideration and communication by your partner in particular. That would bother me too.

You wrote about a traumatic conception, birth and newborn time. I'd feel like my partner owed me after that. I told my husband multiple times that he's doing the pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding etc next time. He physically can't. Your partner maybe could, which maybe makes it a little more painful for you that you were the one to go through it.

You (and I) probably didn't realise that you have to be super even-handed in what you write (or alternatively paint the other person in such a bad light, but believably) in order to avoid being called selfish/unreasonable. You've endured a pile in.

All our children's emotions are valid, and so are adults' emotions. I hope you feel better soon and can be kind to yourself. The best advice on here is communication with your partner, etc. Maybe also see if you have a real life friend who can listen and sympathise, since Mumsnet has not helped you feel better. Hugs.

You can’t have it all ways. You get to be part-time with your daughter. Your partner gets to be in a job she’s happier in.
Her being in nursery an extra day a week doesn’t affect your time with her.
im sure they extra ‘1 hour’ you’re losing to yourself will be made up on the 2 days you have off when you get 30hours funding and can put DD in childcare 5 days a week.
Seems this is more about you wanting a break than your partners happiness.