Angry at parner for changing jobs

[faded07]

My partner and I have an almost 2-year-old daughter. It was a long road to get to her after 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I also had postpartum depression and it took a while for us to get into the swing of parenting. After a year of mat leave, I went back to work, reducing my house from full-time to 3 days. It is a tough juggling act but I am so glad I get to spent 2 weekdays with my daughter. After such a strenuous journey to get to parenthood (and settle in it), things finally felt good.

My partner managed to negotiate a deal with her employer when I returned to work which allowed her to drop her hours from full-time to 4 days. This meant that she could look after our daughter 1 day a week and they could spend valuable time together too.

Towarda the end of last year, my partner continued to express that she was unhappy at work. There were justified reasons for this (nothing too sinister - an unsupportive management and a dying sales market). What grinds me is that there were a variety of things my partner could have done to try to improve things but she didn’t act on any of them. She went bullish and decided to go for interviews. Before I had much time to process this, she had a job offer. She accepted it when I was very unwell with Covid and didn’t have the energy to properly debate whether it was the right choice.

Today she has gone away for the week to start her new role. She has given up her 1 day a week with our daughter and returned to full-time which has killed me. We have now had to increase our daughter’s nursery days from 2 to 3. Although she is doing well at present, we went through months of inconsolable screaming at each drop off. The thought of that happening again terrifies me. I am dreading taking my daughter in for the extra day and am worried she’ll feel let down or abandoned.

Further to this, my partner’s new job means earlier starts so I lose an extra half hour of my night/morning. She has also had to obviously give back her previous company car which I was insured on and loved driving, and has now got a new car which is a massive estate. As a nervous driver, I doubt I’ll ever get behind the wheel of it. And lastly, the new job is £2,000 less per annum than the previous one. So all of this for less income.

My partner knows I am upset, mostly about mt daughter having to increase her days at nursery. I have tried to be supportive and said we need to give it time but I am feeling so upset and bitter about it today. I put my body through a lot during IVF and pregnancy. I found maternity leave very hard but carried on and saw it through. I have dropped my salary by 40% to stay home and be with our daughter. I have put my career on hold. I guess I just wish my partner had also just grit her teeth, at least for another year or so, until our daughter was at preschool.

Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar. Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to feel less angry?

I agree. The only downside of this arrangement seems to be the increased cost, but that won't be forever, and I am sure your partner will increase her salary in time too.

Have you also considered that there’s a very real possibility that your partner was being managed out of her previous role? It sounds quite likely if she’s taken a job for less money and longer hours at very short notice. If that’s right she’s absolutely done the right thing as in many industries it’s easier to find alternative work if you’re already working (as opposed to unemployed). Being on a performance management plan can be humiliating and stressful, and she may well not have wanted to share that with you - both from personal pride, and also not wanting to put you under further stress.

How did your partner feel about you dropping your salary by 40%? Was that agreed, or was she presented with a fait accompli?

Is the new job actually a £2k drop to the household income? She must have dropped 20% going to 4 days. Now she is back to 5, has the net income actually gone back up?

Three days a week in nursery is actually better than 2, as others have said. My DS had to go to two different settings because neither could provide the hours needed, and both of us worked full time. He was always more settled in the place he was in 3 days/week.

A lot of the rest of this is general annoyance at life and a difficult stage of it. The toddler years are hard, but if you let it all pile on top of you and start criticizing your partner like this, you will kill your relationship. Take it down a notch or three and have a sensible calm conversation about all of this. Try to get to the bottom of what it is that is really bothering you. Is it that you are feeling the sting of not being able to have it all - full time job and full time at home? Would you actually be happier working more? Really try to get to the root issue and address that

I suspect you shut her down when she tried to discuss the new job, so she took a decision and now you aren't happy with it. Be careful that you do not cross the line into trying to control. The description of her becoming bullish hints to me that she felt you were trying to tell her how to manage her unhappiness and dug her heels in because you weren't listening to her. I am not sure you aren't still doing the same thing.

No, not necessarily - the OP may have known going in that that was the best option, but lots of same-sex female couples wouldn't jump straight to IVF. FWIW my ex-partner had our DD through IUI, and while it was lightly medicated it was a lot less stressful and taxing than IVF.

To me it sounds as if you've just been unlucky really. You had a very rough ride to parenthood; you had PND, and you feel that you weren't in a state to discuss a career change with your DP and the time when she'd applied for jobs. But it doesn't sound as if your DP is doing any of it on purpose? 2k a year isn't a huge change; presumably your household income is going to pick up fairly soon when you go back to work full time? And perhaps she will have better promotion possibilities if she's full-time in a new job rather than part time in one that wasn't going well?

Something I think is really hard is when you're in a same-sex couple, you don't have the road map opposite-sex couples do. It's really easy to slip into resentment because you take for granted that what you thought was your obvious role isn't what your partner thinks it is. I wonder if you're doing that a bit here?

Out of interest (and feel free not to reply if it's too personal), how did you decide how you were going to approach pregnancy/parenting? I'm asking because there's a big difference between a situation where your partner never saw herself as the SAHM type and therefore really didn't want to be dropping a day at work, and a situation where she might have liked to carry a baby and couldn't - and all sorts of things in between.

YABU. Talk about me me me

re read your post as if you were a stranger reading it

I don't think yabu op.
If my dh decided to change jobs without discussing in full the logistics and arrangements around childcare and salary I'd be really annoyed.

I don't your dd attending nursery for 1 extra day is a big deal, but around here nursery places are difficult to get. Did your partner check before agreeing the job that nursery could have dc on the extra day?

I will just address one aspect of your post: you are worried that your DC will feel let down or abandoned by having to do an extra day at nursery. She won’t. Nursery is a familiar environment, and she won’t have the same concept of time as you do - from her point of view, some days she goes to nursery. She’ll be fine. And you will, too, if you let yourself. Things will work themselves out. Just give the new situation a chance.

Sorry but I think you’re being unreasonable. An extra day will likely make it easier for your daughter to settle and half an hour an evening isn’t a huge hardship. She didn’t do this without consultation, it wasn’t a surprise so you should have objected way before day 1. She deserves to he happy in her job as nothing worse than hating your job

Your DD will be more settled going to nursery for 3 days rather than 2, if she notices the difference at all.

Absolutely understand how you feel! It's so so hard to see them cry when dropping off and honestly I would react the same way. Mumsnet is unfortunately a horrible place and don't listen to the people that say your self centered! What a lot bullshit. Your partner definitely should have talked to you before accepting the job and parents sacrificed for their children, which she didn't do obviously! Understandable you woudl feel upset!

Yes, this is not reasonable of you. You want your partner to stay in a job she hates, where she has to spend a significant amount of time so you can drive the car you like. And the stuff about your DD feeling abandoned? No, she will be fine. But I dont hold out much hope for your relationship

I don't really understand MN. I've seen people on here berate partners for what colour they paint a room or a change to a child's tea. But here we have someone who's job change will have a huge impact both financially and emotionally and they haven't discussed it properly and people think the OP is at fault.
I hope you are ok OP and that you and your partner find a way through this.

Hi @faded07

I'm really surprised that you've been given such a hard time by so many posters here. Not sure if you'll still be reading them tbh - not sure I would be - but if you are I just wanted to say I can completely understand where you are coming from.

I would totally expect me and my OH to have a series of proper conversations with me if one of us was going to change our job, working hours, childcare arrangements etc. And if he went ahead and changed things unilaterally I'd be really pissed off!!

That is not to say that it's ok to ignore someone's unhappiness at work, or that you should never change things in ways that improve things for one person but to the detriment to another - of course compromise is needed. But the kind of decisions you are talking about are key to how families/households operate and I'm amazed that others think you are unreasonable to be upset that there wasn't much consultation or discussion here.

Of course, I'm sure your partner will have her own perspective and it might be that there are aspects of the situation for her which are not in your post, and perhaps even that you are not aware of.

You asked how you could become less angry. I don't think anger can just be thought away - I think it needs to be worked through. And from what you say about the situation, I think that needs to involve sharing your feelings with your partner, and being ready to hear her feelings in return, and working through your differences together.

Given the strength of your feelings, and what you have mentioned about the many challenges you have gone through together in the last few years, I wonder whether seeking out some couples therapy might help you to do this?

Becoming a parent, particularly in difficult circumstances, puts a huge amount of strain on relationships, as well as potentially bringing lots of difficult (and sometimes long buried feelings) to the surface. My OH and I have experienced this ourselves, and although therapy was challenging, it has made our relationship 100% stronger.

Hello OP
The thing that also struck me was your anxiety.
as someone who went through a traumatic birth, I’m wondering whether you have considered that you may have PTSD.
We also went through a difficult situation immediately after this as a family where I felt resentful and overwhelmed, rightly or wrongly so I understand. I eventually sought some counselling and this really helped beyond words.
As some others have mentioned, maybe it would help to investigate whether your needs are being met: I feel your anxiety and perhaps that you feel what you have chosen to do for the greater good is not seen or acknowledged. I feel talking this out in a safe place would really help you.
take care of yourself.

I think you sound unreasonable. I dropped to 3 days a week but if I wanted to go full time again my husband would get no say in the matter and understands that. I think the more days a week kids do in childcare the better they settle and only one or two days is quite difficult. Her company car was not for your benefit and an estate is not difficult to drive, we have them as pool cars at work and even for drivers manage them after a bit of trepidation. Half an hour in the morning and the pay drop is rough but it's not huge I can totally understand if she hated her job.

I wonder if this is more about the classic "my life had to change because I had ivf, I had to be pregnant and to take mat leave and now I have to work part time" whereas your partner is making personal choices about her career that you perceive you can't/couldn't because of what you sacrifice for a child. It's not so much the outcome that's bothering you I suspect, more that she was able to make a choice and you feel you can't or shouldn't.

I felt the same especially during toddler years, my partners a man which I think maybe makes it easier because he can't really do the pregnancy bit, and traditionally mat leave (although I know that's changing). I remember talking it through with him and he said "I was so jealous, I couldn't stop work because I had to be secure at work and earn money so our family could do the things it loved, I had to move jobs for better security and salary so that you could keep being part time"
Possibly she feels that being under pressure and dying sales might have meant redundancy, and she has a family to support. Possibly she feels both of you on reduced hours is too risky financially.
Whilst you feel you've sacrificed your career, she may see that as a luxury she wasn't afforded or that as a family is financially risky.
The grass is always greener in these situations and you need to be a team to make sure all of you are happy, and you're raising your daughter the way you want. I suspect your priority is parenting, not too much childcare, time together and I wonder if hers is the Freedom of financial security and being able to have the things you all want. You need to balance these lifestyle/parenting decisions and recognise you both deserve choices. Talk to her about how you both see family life panning out, what experiences do you want your daughter to have, what careers do you want, what standard of living matters to you both. You might understand why she made the choice when you've discussed that.

Finances, both decrease in wage and increase in childcare, would have pissed me off.

But a large number of children struggle with separation anxiety and an extra day won't make much difference. if anything it'll probably improve it and its more of a routine than 2 days.

My partner was only with me for a week at home before having to return to work after our daughter was born (not her fault - her employer made her TRAVEL immediately so I was left holding baby and in a right state).

and this is most likely why she left that job.

what a bunch of arseholes!

it’s ok to feel sorry for yourself, you’ve been through a lot. Both of you have.

it won’t always be this hard.

Although she is doing well at present, we went through months of inconsolable screaming at each drop off. The thought of that happening again terrifies me. I am dreading taking my daughter in for the extra day and am worried she’ll feel let down or abandoned.

Is there realistically any reason to believe this will happen? I know it was problematic previously, but your daughter is now past that stage. I can't see that a 2 year old is going to notice that she's moved to three days a week instead of two.

She has also had to obviously give back her previous company car which I was insured on and loved driving, and has now got a new car which is a massive estate. As a nervous driver, I doubt I’ll ever get behind the wheel of it.

For goodness sake, just do it. You're safer in a large car. You could get her to ask if she can swap it for a smaller one, but on the face of it having a bigger car isn't usually thought of as a dreadful imposition.

If she has reduced her salary for more hours, that does seem a bit daft, but what are the promotion prospects like?

You sound completely selfish and should think of how she must of been feeling to take a job working 1 more day for less money . I hated my job and was crying day and night. I too left for a different job but my partner was very supportive. He was actually the one that convinced me to leave as I tried to stick it out but it was having a knock on effect with our home life . You don't like amount of days she's working or the car she's driving ?? Suck it up at least she's prepared to work those extra days sacrificing time with her daughter and money

She doesn't sound completely selfish.

And her partner is "prepared to work those extra days"! What, a normal full time job that she'd probably be doing anyway.

Not to mention that some people prefer working to looking after their children.

I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time on here OP, Mumsnet can be brutal and really it’s not the best place to ask a question if you’re feeling down.
You sound very stressed, do you belong to some mum and baby groups where you can share some lighthearted chatter and take yourself out of the situation.

I don't understand all the mean replies here! People obviously have no understanding of the toll repeated IVFs and miscarriages take on your physical and mental health and the sacrifices you have made for your daughter.

You have every right to feel resentful when the other parent makes a unilateral and selfish decision of changing jobs, giving up time with their child, working more days and hours, while reducing their income! I've been a parent for 18y now and have worked all this time, spent a couple of those years in miserable jobs because change wasn't good for my family.

I agree that if she wasn't at imminent risk of layoff, she should have explored other ways to make her job better and sucked it up for another year. She only thought about herself when she made that decision.