Angry at parner for changing jobs

[faded07]

My partner and I have an almost 2-year-old daughter. It was a long road to get to her after 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I also had postpartum depression and it took a while for us to get into the swing of parenting. After a year of mat leave, I went back to work, reducing my house from full-time to 3 days. It is a tough juggling act but I am so glad I get to spent 2 weekdays with my daughter. After such a strenuous journey to get to parenthood (and settle in it), things finally felt good.

My partner managed to negotiate a deal with her employer when I returned to work which allowed her to drop her hours from full-time to 4 days. This meant that she could look after our daughter 1 day a week and they could spend valuable time together too.

Towarda the end of last year, my partner continued to express that she was unhappy at work. There were justified reasons for this (nothing too sinister - an unsupportive management and a dying sales market). What grinds me is that there were a variety of things my partner could have done to try to improve things but she didn’t act on any of them. She went bullish and decided to go for interviews. Before I had much time to process this, she had a job offer. She accepted it when I was very unwell with Covid and didn’t have the energy to properly debate whether it was the right choice.

Today she has gone away for the week to start her new role. She has given up her 1 day a week with our daughter and returned to full-time which has killed me. We have now had to increase our daughter’s nursery days from 2 to 3. Although she is doing well at present, we went through months of inconsolable screaming at each drop off. The thought of that happening again terrifies me. I am dreading taking my daughter in for the extra day and am worried she’ll feel let down or abandoned.

Further to this, my partner’s new job means earlier starts so I lose an extra half hour of my night/morning. She has also had to obviously give back her previous company car which I was insured on and loved driving, and has now got a new car which is a massive estate. As a nervous driver, I doubt I’ll ever get behind the wheel of it. And lastly, the new job is £2,000 less per annum than the previous one. So all of this for less income.

My partner knows I am upset, mostly about mt daughter having to increase her days at nursery. I have tried to be supportive and said we need to give it time but I am feeling so upset and bitter about it today. I put my body through a lot during IVF and pregnancy. I found maternity leave very hard but carried on and saw it through. I have dropped my salary by 40% to stay home and be with our daughter. I have put my career on hold. I guess I just wish my partner had also just grit her teeth, at least for another year or so, until our daughter was at preschool.

Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar. Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to feel less angry?

I have dropped my salary by 40% to stay home and be with our daughter. I have put my career on hold.

Well, that was presumably your choice-no one forced you to do that!

Moving out of a job you don’t like is sensible and much better for anyone’s mental health. You ‘losing’ half an hour of your evening is worth her being happy, I would hope.

Ok, I get what this is all about. But where’s the version where the partner is male? It isn’t a valid experiment without a control.

Im sorry you are feeling vulnerable and are upset by a lot of posts. And now youre suggesting were all unreasonable and have no idea what youve been through.

Well OP I almost died. I had miscarriages for years. I had an ectopic pregnancy. and IVF wasnt an option. And like many mums I ended up being on my own and managing everything on my own including a full time job and the nursery runs. And job loss etc etc

Normally couples choose a car together based on both their needs and it’s a joint decision. This is especially so when you both need to transport your child around. It’s a family car. Did she have no choice of car or did she just ignore what you wanted? I think better communication is probably key. Do you feel your partner is pulling away a bit here with the new job? Will she be absent more? Does this make you feel vulnerable? The day she spent with your daughter was not insignificant in terms of bonding but does she spend much time with your daughter at the weekend? I think people have been a little harsh. Take care. …and IVF is tough. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Even if that day in nursery is not ideal you still have four days together to enjoy. Sometimes I think after conception difficulties there is more pressure on motherhood. You obviously want the very best for your daughter but try not to stress - easier said than done I know. Be easy on yourself too. You sound like a very caring mum.

The Ops partner did try and have a discussion. But Op brushed them off.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to not take a job because Op doesn’t feel up to discussing it. A job needs to be accepted. They can’t hold on until the applicants wife feels ready to talk about it.

Given the Op really doesn’t want their partner to have job and believes they didn’t do enough on their last one, I can imagine it came across as a brush off.

How many job was the partner meant to pass on because op didn’t feel up to talking about it at the time.

People on this thread keep talking about swapping the sex’s about. But I can guarantee if Op was posting they were unhappy in their job and they had been offered a new one that they really thought would be a good move, but they were having turn it down because they husband had Covid and didn’t feel up to discussing it, but she felt it was a brush off because he didn’t want her to love jobs and he liked the car that came with it. Most people would tell the Op to take the job, that they gave him chance to discuss, that he can’t have been that ill that he could sit there and talk and so on and they shouldn’t let him hold her back.

Literally having a child by number. Children don’t fall into time frames, categories or work patterns. You wanted a child. You’ve had a child. Sorry it doesn’t fall perfectly into yours and your partners work patterns.

Seems like neither of you really though about the reality of having a child.

You are being very selfish about it all!!!

So she should stay in a job that made her miserable to keep you happy?

Besides the extra day at nursery, all of your moans have been reasons YOU aren't happy. But you dont seem to care that she was unhappy previously.

Hi OP.
please don’t listen to all the negative posts. Given everything you’ve been through you are allowed to be selfish. Just as your partner is allowed to have her feelings. Ignore those that have been rude or hurtful. It’s easy to judge when you haven’t walked in the shoes of others. Yes it is stressful being the main bread winner but it’s also stressful giving birth and putting your career on hold. Hold strong and I hope you find some way forward that is positive for all three of you. ❤️

I don’t think OP is being unreasonable about any of it. It is relevant that she had losses and a difficult birth and depression. It’s understandable that she wants to hold onto the tentative peace that she’s reached after a hard slog, and that she expects partner to also make compromises to create the nursery / home balance they’ve decided on as a family.

Of course Partner has a right to want a new job and a discussion would be normal, but to think OP doesn’t have the right to any say when it directly affects her is odd and slightly 1950s in attitude.

I’d even be annoyed about the half hour lost sleep - anyone who thinks that doesn’t matter has presumably never suffered with a child who barely sleeps and the mental health knock on that can have.

OP you came on here asking for strangers opinions and they gave it. Some were most likely a bit harder to read and could most definitely have been worded a little differently. I don’t think anyone is doubting that you have been an awful lot on your journey to become a parent. Congratulations by the way.
Your other half most definitely should have discussed the change in circumstances with you, but she probably did what she felt was best for her and you all as a family. I would let your anger subside as much as you can and then try and have a conversation with her about possibly broaching the subject of working 4 days with her boss. As far as the car goes, give it a go. I have owned a number of different cars from tiny hatch backs to pick up trucks and I honestly didn’t notice much difference after a while. You may find that you actually prefer it, but you won’t know until you try. Keep an open mind and don’t bottle things up. Just because you didn’t get the responses you were hoping for with this post, doesn’t mean people are against you and won’t support you in the future.

Honestly, I'd have been pissed off if DH had unilaterally decided to change his job when our DC were small.

But I also remember how we tried hard with DC1 not to use childcare and to work around each other's shifts. We made our lives a lot harder than we needed to and my mental health improved immensely once DH swapped shift work for regular hours and we could use nursery.

So my answer is that you are both being a bit unreasonable. But that's not unusual in new parents so don't take it to heart. You sound like you have had a tough time too, so no wonder you're having a wobble. Think about the cliche that no plan survives contact with the enemy. I've never met a parent yet who didn't have unrealistic expectations about what life with a baby/toddler/child would be like. What the best couples and parents do is make a new plan together.

You might need to let go a bit and accept your partner's feelings and decisions. She sounds like she needs to support you whilst you are feeling vulnerable, not just find solutions that work for her.

Admittedly I've not read the full thread just the first page but I worked with two year olds and upping a day usually meant they did better, not worse.
I can understand why it might not be ideal from a finance perspective but please don't worry that it will cause her to go backwards settling wise.

Sorry you've experienced such a backlash on here OP, I couldn't get past the first page of comments so I can only imagine how you feel right now.

It sounds like you've been through a lot and a proper conversation regarding your partnership was needed. I hope you find a way that works for you both soon, I don't think you are being unreasonable, you have sacrificed a lot of yourself and I'm shocked by the lack of compassion by a lot of people.

I also don't think you sound selfish, just unheard. You were given a certain expectation with how things were going to go and then that was ripped from beneath your feet and you didn't comprehend how this was going to affect you until it has. If you can, talk to your partner and let her know how you feel, see how she feels, and if you can find other ways to help each other moving forward.

Two years ago I left a job I hated, I’d been there a very long time but the stress was in unbearable. I was working 4.5 days to do the school pick ups a couple of times a week. My new job was 3k less annual on a full time way, I went full time to cover the drop. It wasn’t an easy decision but I needed
out of my old role, it was effecting everything. Your partner clearly was suffering the same, no one takes a pay cut and increase their working hours lightly.

You had PND, how was your partner through all this? I’m sure it’s been rough on you but you need to consider how it was for her too.

3 days in nursery is fine, at 2 your daughter is unlikely to understand she’s is there an extra day. Your lucky to have only needed 2 days up to now.

YABU, not once in your post have you sympathised with your partner at all. You resent her not sucking it up, as you did with maternity leave, but that’s an entirely different thing and not something you should be comparing.

Couldn’t agree more, I’ve been in a similar position and don’t understand this idea of having to get a partner’s permission to leave your job??? As soon as I said the job is too much, my DH accepted that and reassured me that will be survive somehow (even if we had to sell our house) it never did get to that stage and now a few years later we still have our house and I’m now back in a job with the same pay, I’m happy in and gives us all a good work life balance. Equally when my partner wanted to switch to something he would be happier doing (despite changes in pay and me having to do more childcare) I was more than happy to support him

My DH tried to do what you wish your partner had done. He got so sick in his MH he had to be signed off work for three months and hasn't had a job since. It broke him as a person.

Whilst this isn't ideal, I suspect your DP may have been holding back what's really been going on due to everything you've been through. Your DD will be at nursery soon enough anyway.

Don't beat yourself up about it either. You've a right to feel frustrated and upset that this has happened because a loss of income and time is frustrating. I don't think you're being selfish but you need to sit down and talk through your feelings with your DP.

To me it seems totally ridiculous
to increase hours for less money!…. Unless having less money means you will suddenly be entitled to extra finacial
support from universal credit ??….
does the pay reduction mean you’ll get help with nursery costs?, council tax/rent etc?? If not then it seems crazy to take a pay cut AND pay more money out for an additional days childcare! I do hope she is paying the extra day out of her wage since she’s made this decision alone!
Maybe she can continue to look for jobs that suit your family better

It really depends on the job and your wellbeing. My dad took a 50% pay cut when I was 11. It took him from being abroad for 3-4 months at a time to being at home permanently. It put my family in a difficult position for the first year whilst adjustments were made but after that he started climbing ladder in that job and things got easier again

The pros and cons of a job are more nuanced than just the salary. A lot of people thought my dad was mad for taking such a pay cut but all of the family was suffering from my dads job. I know this possibly is not the situation here but I just wanted to say some times it is more ridiculous to stay is a job for more money but at the cost of the family

It’s not ridiculous if she’s happier in her job, does being married mean you are forced to work in a job that makes you miserable to earn the money to maintain a lifestyle for your family. My DH and I earn what we do, work the hours we do and live accordingly.

It did to me too.

When I was like this, it’s because I was extremely overwhelmed and had MH issues due to that.
Despite the fact the OP says she is now all fine re PND, I have doubts. I think she is still struggling a lot with trauma and her MH. Due to both the birth, her baby being blue and the years of IVF.

Its a shame imo that there is a lot of posters concentrating on her DP unhappiness (but no MH issues) but so little about the OP’s MH.

It's not ridiculous if the alternative is ending up too ill (] mentally or physically) to work

Everyone is affected by their mental health, how do we know that the DP wasn’t struggling mentally (surely the drop in income affects her too so not something she would of done for the sake of the it) or maybe she knew she was at risk of struggling with her mental health. We have no right to force our partner’s to work in any job

I mean this with love.

You need therapy. No matter what happens, your clear anxiety issues/depression will always make a problem, unless you deal with it sooner rather than later, especially for your babies sake.