School want me to come in 3 times a week?

[WhatanEmbarrasment]

Would you find this too much? I have a 9 year old who doesn’t like school he often refuses to go in and this can make us late as it’s difficult getting him up and ready meaning we are often late (it isn’t our closest school and I’ve looked into moving him but he doesn’t want to change schools) a member of staff approached me from his school a year ago to speak about his dislike of school and asked me if I could come in for a meeting I said yes, during the meeting we spoke and she asked if I could come in every Thursday and sit with him for an hour whilst he does his work. I agreed at the time as she said she thought it would help him want to come in but I didn’t realise how long it would go on for, it’s been a year. Initially I thought it would be a few weeks or something?! There’s been breaks where I haven’t been in for illness etc but this started a year ago. The other day I dropped him to school and I had an awful morning where everything was just on top of me so when she caught me I looked like I was about to cry (I wasn’t it was just the last thing I needed) so she asked me to come in the next day, I came in and she’s basically asking me to come in 3 times a week for different things, every week so as a regular thing.

I feel like 3 times a week is far too much, even 1 day a week felt quite full on as I don’t know anyone who has weekly meetings at their children’s school. It hasn’t helped or changed the situation at all. Sometimes I will try to avoid her and drop them and hope to quickly leave so I don’t see her but she has clearly told the office not to let my children in until she gets there as I will buzz but they won’t let me in until she arrives. Would you find 3 times a week too much? I don’t know how to get out of this

What is the reason he hates school?

How does he feel about you being there? I would have thought most kids of this age would start to feel a bit embarrassed by mum being there- I don't mean this in a nasty way, just judging what many nine years olds are like, my ds's would have hated this. Does he have any special needs, do you think maybe they just don't have the staff to give him the support her needs? What would happen if you needed to be at work each day, most parents would be at work unless they have pre-schoolers so what would they expect working parents to do ? can you just tell them a white lie that you have found a job ?

You shouldn’t have been asked this at all.
Does your DS have an EHCP, he needs one which specifies 1-1 support. The fact you have been going in yourself is evidence that that’s what he needs.

He has just always hated it since he started in reception. It’s everything there isn’t one reason. He hates going every day, hates how long the day is, hates the other children and teachers hates the work, it’s honestly everything he dislikes and he has always hated it since reception I use to drop him off and he would scream his head off they had to lock him in the gates to stop him getting out. It’s never got any better. He doesn’t have any Sen and no ehcp. He doesn’t like me coming in but she just says to ignore him.

This kid needs support but during the school day this has to come from school, not you.

I would want an educational psychologist to come into school to assess him and give school strategies to address whatever they think you're addressing by being there.

Have a look on your LA's Local Offer page on their website- many have ways to access some psychology advice, like a one-off half hour chat.

Have you ever spoken to the school SENCO?
Your son doesn’t like you going in so stop doing it. Tell the teacher that you aren’t available to do so anymore.

It’s time to look at the cause of his school based anxiety. Ask the school to make a referral to an Ed Psych, it’s a long shot as the waiting lists are so long.
Can you afford a private Ed psych assessment?

Yes I have she said he doesn’t have any special needs and he use to be on a reduced time table after I spoke to her but again didn’t change anything and he didn’t like it. Also I was going to take him out in reception as I was aware he didn’t have to be there but the senco told me not to do that and that it would improve in time but obviously hasn’t

So if you think the schools idea isn't working, what is your plan for helping your child feel better about school and be more engaged so he can make the most out of his education?

How exactly can I make him like school? 🤔 he wants to be home educated he doesn’t want to go in at all. Would love to know how you think I can make him like it

This is too much.

Although you are his parent you cannot be used to do their job for them to make it easier, there are lots of different things/specialists etc that schools have access to for these type of issues.

I agree with the previous posts about speaking to the senco and I would also really push that the school get him involved with an educational psychologist. Tbh they should have been doing this anyway. I'd ask for a meeting with his teacher and ask what they are doing besides using you for support.

Sounds really tough for you x

do you not work? That’s not a criticism either way, but I can’t understand how working parents could be expected to attend school for that amount of time every week.

i think you need to properly sit down with the senco and teacher to understand what is going on and maybe look at counselling to understand why this is happeninf. Does he think homeschooling is preferred because it would be easier? Did you do much during the lockdown? Could you look at other settings that may be better for him and take him to give some autonomy and choice whereby homeschooling is not an option?

Can you invite any of the other children for play dates? If he made some friends at school he might be happier to go.

You're being very passive about this.

If your child doesn't like you coming in to school, you don't like coming in, and it hasn't improved anything - why on earth are you still doing it?
And why are you agreeing to come in 3 times a week if you don't think it's a good idea?

If this school isn't working for your child I would try something else. Can you home educate him? Or try another school?

Clearly you’ve missed in my post where I said I’ve tried to change his school but he doesn’t want to?

No parent should be attending the school that long, how on earth would that be facilitated if you had a full-time 9-5 job!

The school need to support him. While you state he has no special needs I would suggest working towards an assessment because a lot of interventions may help children. It isn't typical for a child to not like some aspect of school so he needs support to try and identify exactly what is the issue.

Has he friends outside school how is he in social activities or sports? There has to be something underlying be it anxiety, some negative experiences etc.

I hope support can be identified to allow him to enjoy some aspect of school.

It isn't working with you coming in one day a week. I am baffled as to why they'd think you coming in more will help!

I definitely think he needs support but not sure how you being in school more will provide that.

Would a different school be an option?

Look at home educating then. School isn't one size fits all and he is clearly suffering

I will not be home educating no.

Oh sorry - you said a different school won't work.

Is HE out of the question?

His anxiety is enough for him to be on the SEN register, he may not have learning difficulties but his anxiety is creating a barrier to learning.

You really need to start pushing for the school to help and not rely on you to support him within the classroom. Your DS will be going to secondary school soon and its probable that his anxiety will increase.

Ask the SENCO where he can be referred for support.

Clearly you’ve missed in my post where I said I’ve tried to change his school but he doesn’t want to?

Yes but he is NINE and a CHILD. You are the parent. The current situation is very clearly not working. What he wants and doesn't want isnt really relevant. He needs an education and if that means changing schools, so be it. You really can't be expecting a nine year old to be mature enough to see the big picture and consider all the factors when making this sort of decision.

I agree you sound a bit passive but maybe you haven't mentioned all that you are doing.

It's hard to tell what the problem is from here but it sounds like an assessment by an educational psychologist would be helpful.

Have you looked into your local Home Education group? Or the boards here are very good and have lots of information. Sometimes our rigid education system here just doesn't suit an individual and your son may blossom with some freedom to learn in his own way.

It's really unusual for a child who doesn't have additional needs to hate school, especially when he's only 9. My son is also 9 (nearly 10), and yes, he's not thrilled to go every day (most kids aint), but he does enjoy it when he's there and has friends. Has he definitely not got adhd or something similar? I know it sounds silly, but does he get a lot of time at home on consoles? As this could make school seem "boring" and make him just want to go home. He's not being bullied as far as you know?

I'd be telling him that this is life kid, you're going to be in school for a long time yet so you need to start learning to deal with it for sure! Lol

He doesn't want to go to this school either but you are making him go in, he doesn't want you to come in to school but you still are.
So it doesn't seem like you can't decide to do what you think is best even if your child doesn't want it?

I would speak to them and ask if you need to request a EHCNA request (emotional/ social behavioural issues can be included if the school really don't think there is any SEN). You going in so often the need for a 1:1. If they say no then I'd stop (wouldn't beforehand as it's very strong evidence).

It seems totally unreasonable if school to expect this and not helping him. Only time I've ever heard of something like this was with an adopted child with horrible early life experiences who had understandable attachment issues so (adoptive) parent attended daily for reception so they he was able to settle into schooling without fear of being abandoned there. But this was all planned detailed with psychologist advice and review and expected end dates (and wonderful parent did their best to act like another TA and be around but not always with him-so to other children it was like his parent just happened to work in the school).