School want me to come in 3 times a week?

[WhatanEmbarrasment]

Would you find this too much? I have a 9 year old who doesn’t like school he often refuses to go in and this can make us late as it’s difficult getting him up and ready meaning we are often late (it isn’t our closest school and I’ve looked into moving him but he doesn’t want to change schools) a member of staff approached me from his school a year ago to speak about his dislike of school and asked me if I could come in for a meeting I said yes, during the meeting we spoke and she asked if I could come in every Thursday and sit with him for an hour whilst he does his work. I agreed at the time as she said she thought it would help him want to come in but I didn’t realise how long it would go on for, it’s been a year. Initially I thought it would be a few weeks or something?! There’s been breaks where I haven’t been in for illness etc but this started a year ago. The other day I dropped him to school and I had an awful morning where everything was just on top of me so when she caught me I looked like I was about to cry (I wasn’t it was just the last thing I needed) so she asked me to come in the next day, I came in and she’s basically asking me to come in 3 times a week for different things, every week so as a regular thing.

I feel like 3 times a week is far too much, even 1 day a week felt quite full on as I don’t know anyone who has weekly meetings at their children’s school. It hasn’t helped or changed the situation at all. Sometimes I will try to avoid her and drop them and hope to quickly leave so I don’t see her but she has clearly told the office not to let my children in until she gets there as I will buzz but they won’t let me in until she arrives. Would you find 3 times a week too much? I don’t know how to get out of this

It’s not being separated from me he has done clubs etc but isn’t in any at the moment but he’s done them in the past and has loved them he also use to stay at my mums house and was fine with that but he doesn’t anymore

I’m not being funny but clearly he does. It’s not normal for a child to hate going to school so much that their parent has to drag them in kicking and screaming and sit with them, so there’s obviously something going on. I’d ask for a second opinion.

I live in London and our state school has access to a therapy dog from the council, council mental health services with workshops etc, a TA who spends time with kids with anxiety doing play therapy. I would be asking for all that they can do to help him. He is at the that critical age where you should do all you can to sort it before he starts secondary school as it tends to be much more overwhelming.
In addition, we have found that some children have anxiety following Covid and it has been classed as “Covid induced anxiety.” Some have heightened separation anxiety from parents, health type anxieties too.

He doesn’t go in kicking and screaming now that was in reception just saying it’s always been an issue not a sudden change it’s been since he started. When the Christmas holidays were over he cried at the thought of going back to school.

This is not sustainable longer term. He needs to become less dependant on you and the school should not be using you as an unpaid LSA. All the time you agree it is covering up his additional needs - these may not be SEN but emotional , and need addressing before secondary transfer. The school should be supporting you and him by referring him for assessment and ehcp so they get funding for him but the extent is being masked by your presence. It is not healthy or fair to involve you to this extent, you need the break and opportunity to work etc. if he had an ehcp you could name the most suitable school and get appropriate support for him. His current school is doing you no favours, you need an urgent meeting with sendco and head and failing that your gp. You can apply for ehcp before a diagnosis and by yourself, without school, if needs be.

You seriously think your child doesn't have SEN? OP he can't go in to school unless you are there. He has special educational needs. You should never have been asked to go in. The school are failing him.

They are teachers they have no medical background. You need to get a referral for an assessment. Go to the doctors.

I think he has anxiety yes I don’t think he is autistic or adhd

Your son has some kind of need. A child doesn’t get taken out of the classroom for 3 hours a week and a parent brought in to sit with him without some kind of need.

now that might not be something that falls under the sen umbrella specifically. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t have an underlying need that needs to be diagnosed and addressed.

the school is dropping the ball and using a stop gap of just getting him out of the classroom. You need to push back.

I know how I would handle it in my school and medical system, but I’m not in the uk. I get the impression your barriers to evaluation and treatment are much higher. You are still only going to get him help by speaking up, I’m just not sure where is best.

That could be an additional need in itself or symptomatic of another issue. How is he academically, socially?

CAMHS told me my childs school had access to anxiety support/programmes, as the wait with them was very long. Unsure if all schools do? Worth checking. I can't remember what it was called now but as soon as I said it the school knew what I meant.

You definitely need to change schools. Even if he doesn’t want that, he’s obviously not happy there.

Why would you make your child go somewhere he doesn’t like? They’ll be a school environment he’ll thrive in. Obviously the school would tell you to keep him there and never admit it was their mistake.

Anything could be going on - bullying from kids, bullying from teachers, or even worse. Just take him out of that school if he’s not thriving.

From what you’ve described with other parents being in the room sometimes are these like therapy sessions when you go in? Are the children withdrawn so that they can learn in a quieter environment and engage and talk with their parents? Is about parent support too? I’m guessing that he goes into school fine on the other days so it’s hard to understand why they need you there and why he needs to be withdrawn from lessons unless he’s kicking off in them or is showing signs of distress in them.

Erm because I had 4 children in the school so changing school was never an option as how am I meant to change a school for 4 children? Changing schools has only became an option because 2 have left now so won’t need to find a school with space for 4 children as that wouldn’t be possible where we live. The school on our road is a very small school (1 class per year) his current school is 3 classes per year

No he doesn’t kick off and doesn’t have any behavioural issues at all I think that’s one of the reasons they say no Sen as he is so good and quiet in school and not disruptive in any way.

Might be able to drop one and then another (breakfast club?) to facilitate a move that's a benefit to your son. I am not sure that would work with you getting to work? But might be doable?

Your son's school SENCO should be arranging 1 to 1 support for him, not expecting you to do the school's job for them.
I suggest you ask for a meeting with SENCO in the school and discuss this.
It really isn't fair on you to be expected to continue with this.

@WhatanEmbarrasment there are ways and means to sort schools. Staggering start times in recognition of his challenge.

I appreciate most talk of SEN is ADHD or autistic spectrum led but SEN is accessible for all children who need some adjustments to enable and support their learning. It could be setting extra challenging maths to children who are years ahead of their aged curriculum or providing books which have special font to support dyslexia.

Given your recent posts which you note you have four children I can appreciate how time consuming life is and it explains your trust in the school.

Your son needs more support than this school can give. Is there anyone who has time and energy to advocate as you really are time poor, four children, supporting your son at home and school, that's a lot and you need to avoid burn out.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/special-matters/202303/are-kids-experiencing-post-covid-long-anxiety?amp

Anxiety in children is more common post pandemic. Lots of academic articles are being published on the issue.
Most schools are aware. There are charities and support services available in many areas. Please ask and see the GP too. Anxious children can make for very depressed teens later on or they learn tricks to deal with the anxiety. Schools should support them.

I think whether to change schools or not for an anxious child is a very tricky question.

Neither you nor the SENCO are qualified to assess your son for special needs. He clearly does have some SEN and I would suggest you. eed to get him assessed for autism. Ignore the school and go via your GP. He also needs an educational psychologist to try and understand what is going wrong for him at school.

You can't just keep sending him to an environment that he hates, it isn't fair. You need to get to the bottom of what's going on here.

Even if he was autistic he would still have to go to school?

If school is inappropriate (diagnosis or no diagnosis) there are other options, which is why you need to request an EHCNA.

If you think DS has anxiety significant enough to cause the difficulties you mention why do you think he doesn’t have SEN? Since DS has a sibling with ASD you should seriously consider pursuing an ASD assessment.

Because other than not liking school he doesn’t have any other traits of Sen.

But the level of anxiety you mention and the difficulties you describe are SEN in their own right.

As you’ve said OP, you are unable/unwilling to home educate which is fair enough, so at that point then regardless he needs to go into school. You & the school need to work together to find a way to make that doable, whether that means you going in with him X times a week, whether it means he can spend his lunch breaks somewhere he likes so maybe a quiet classroom rather than the playground with all the other kids, whether it means he can take a packed lunch every day rather than having school meals (I know of multiple children this has been a big help for), maybe start him off at some clubs again with people from the school if he has enjoyed clubs previously as if he is able to make some friends then he’s also more likely to want to go to into school and stay there. You say yourself he needs to go, so it’s time to stop being passive and start being proactive with steps.

It may just be that he’s one of those kids who does hate school, there’s plenty of them, they go because they have to and not because they want to, most kids are like that I’d say. If he’s not kicking off when he’s going in and he’ll stay there all day but just complains about it afterwards then he’s probably in the same boat as many many others kids.