School want me to come in 3 times a week?

[WhatanEmbarrasment]

Would you find this too much? I have a 9 year old who doesn’t like school he often refuses to go in and this can make us late as it’s difficult getting him up and ready meaning we are often late (it isn’t our closest school and I’ve looked into moving him but he doesn’t want to change schools) a member of staff approached me from his school a year ago to speak about his dislike of school and asked me if I could come in for a meeting I said yes, during the meeting we spoke and she asked if I could come in every Thursday and sit with him for an hour whilst he does his work. I agreed at the time as she said she thought it would help him want to come in but I didn’t realise how long it would go on for, it’s been a year. Initially I thought it would be a few weeks or something?! There’s been breaks where I haven’t been in for illness etc but this started a year ago. The other day I dropped him to school and I had an awful morning where everything was just on top of me so when she caught me I looked like I was about to cry (I wasn’t it was just the last thing I needed) so she asked me to come in the next day, I came in and she’s basically asking me to come in 3 times a week for different things, every week so as a regular thing.

I feel like 3 times a week is far too much, even 1 day a week felt quite full on as I don’t know anyone who has weekly meetings at their children’s school. It hasn’t helped or changed the situation at all. Sometimes I will try to avoid her and drop them and hope to quickly leave so I don’t see her but she has clearly told the office not to let my children in until she gets there as I will buzz but they won’t let me in until she arrives. Would you find 3 times a week too much? I don’t know how to get out of this

When you were EHE DD1 did she go with you into the primary school when you were working with DS?

Surely changing schools should be a consideration. I loathed school but not going in wasn't an option. I think a change of schools would have helped. The point is he can't go through life refusing to do things. He doesn't like school, he doesn't like you being there. He doesn't want to change schools. But he is nine and not old enough to decide what is best for him.

Have the school put in writing about you coming into school to help him over the past year?

The lady you are referring to, find out her job title if she's not on the senior management team ask for an appointment with them to explain this situation is not improving.

Make sure everything is in writing, parents should not be having to attend school on a regular basis to sit with their child. The school has a responsibility to put plans in place to support staff and pupils.

If your child is disrupting others then of course you should go in 🤷‍♀️

They aren't there to put up with that - they're there to teach.

I don’t think these are decisions for children…

Sounds like some tough love is needed to be honest.

She hasn’t said he’s disrupting others

And in any case, it really isn’t standard for parents to go in for disruptive kids!

This is so bizarre! Do you have a DSB check? As I thought people shouldn’t be in schools (especially 3 days a week) without one!

Have you spoke to the head teacher about this? I would write an email and ask if this is usual policy and explain that you can’t keep coming into school and would like to meet to discuss a more permanent plan. It does sound like they need extra support for your son, which without the involvement of SENCO will not be possible.

Its like they are trying to push you to your limit so you move him schools.

This is totally inappropriate, explain you can’t commit to three days a week. Yourself and home are his safe space and it strains your relationship he needs a trusted adult in school that can provide pastoral support during the school day.
Does he have a risk assessment, behaviour support plan, what reasonable adjustments are in place to support him through his school day? These are all things that school should be implementing to support. Does he do any group work intervention on managing emotions SEMH groups etc. I would request Ed Psych and behaviour outreach support in the first instance maybe tap into early help to see what support they can provide.

I hope you read @Greenchex 's post way back. Because she's absolutely right. Your child has a special need. The Senco clearly has a very blinkered idea of what a Special Educational Need is.

I do find it bizarre that you have never asked this woman who she is and what her role is. I'm guessing that she's a family worker or something similar, but as this has been going on for so long, I do, like a pp, find you oddly passive in your interaction with the school staff.

But anyway, the school seems to be parking their problem off onto you, instead of taking any action that might improve his state of mind. And you need to turn it back to them.

Instead of agreeing to go in more often, you need to say that if he needs you in three days week there is something badly wrong and they need to get him assessed because this has gone on for too long.

Re-read @Greenchex 's post so that you know and understand what you're asking for, and so that you come across as knowledgeable about the terms. Confidence is key.

@RantyAnty what an earth does her or her parents education have to do with it? I have a degree and my son hates school, refuses to go to lessons etc! How awful and judgemental

What has been the family situation? Do all kids have the same father and when did he leave and go no contact with them?
That seems to indicate trauma.

I find it really bizarre that they are asking parents to come in to do things with their children.

You need to ask for what their plan is, having you go in once a week for a year is ridiculous.

I would say that he needs a CAMHS referral at the minimum, he may have anxiety, or high functioning SEN. If there are no issues at school it's quite an unusal and strong reaction to have unless there's some underlying cause.

Regardless of what your school say you can contact your local school nursing team who would be able to assist you.

Why is he so against changing schools if he doesn't have any friends and hates it? Other than the issue of juggling your other children, why are you against changing schools if you don't want to home educated him?

Tbh, I think by trying your best for your son you've become a push over. I don't mean this offensively. Just you've done this for a year and the school don't seem to have done anything. Also by joining the online groups and hearing how terrible it is to change schools you've therefore not seriously considered it.

I would stop going into the school and only agree to do it once a month of you really wanted to.

I think some of the responses are a bit unkind, tbh.

I think the OP is depressed. I know when I had depression I came across as quite flat and passive. I don’t think she needs people going on about that.

Have you spoken to the GP to rule out other mental health issues like anxiety/depression/burnout which don't need to have a ND diagnosis attached?

It very much sounds like your son has lost all motivation, although you say he doesn't like schooling in general and that's very black and white thinking because he can't recognise that school's can be very individual with their approach and he's showing a lot of signs of pathological demand avoidance (flight/avoidance responses) with the daily demands of school, which isn't strictly limited to autism, but it can be seen in a lot of cases with autism.

It sounds like he needs access to some therapies to help him find coping strategies and work on his personal outlook.

It's not sustainable for you to be doing the 1-1 part for your son at school, and school need to chase this but definitely query mental health with the GP.

Sounds like he has waaaaaay too much choice. Sorry but he doesn't get to 'just hate it'. No SEN, no bullying, no identifiable issues - then he needs to stop being awkward and get on with it, because there are another 7/8 years to go before he can make that choice.Be firm OP or he will be a nightmare in secondary when you can't physically keep him there. And I am sure you have better things to be doing with your day (e.g. a job!)

This is clearly the wrong school for your son. He will say he doesn’t want to move schools because 9 year olds are scared of change but that doesn’t mean it’s not the best thing for him.

you could see if you can get a place at the local school and he can have a taster day to see what he thinks. No pressure. If there are no spaces in the class then appeal. I successfully moved my son at the start of year 6 to an oversubscribed school on appeal The change in him was phenomenal.

the sooner yiu can make changes the better so it’s easier fir him transitioning to secondary.

In a way she does need people to point that out for her though. Because unfortunately, if you have a child with issues who is not being helped, you have to fight with everything you haveto get them help these days. Because resources are so stretched that if you don't fight, no-one will volunteer anything.

You only have to go over to the special needs parents branch to see just how much effort it takes to get help.

I'm not sure where you got depression from, but again, if that's the case, OP still has to recognise that nothing is going to change for either of them if she doesn't either fight for him herself, or get someone on side (possibly from one of the SEN groups) who is able to.

Yes, and she will go through all the palaver of changing schools and then he won't go to that one either.

I would advise joining the group Not Fine in School on Facebook, OP and getting help on there.

Two things here, some SENCO are better than others and SEN aren't the only thing that could cause his issues with school. Is it possible he has anxiety?

Anxiety and not wanting to go to school were my DDs first issues. Ive dealt with years of school refusal and anxiety meltdowns and panic attacks. She has generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety and more recently an ASD diagnosis at 10. She masks 95% of the time, no one would pick it. I only realised because I could see the parallels and the same way of thinking to her brothers who are both Autistic. So far though most of her issues have stemmed from her anxiety. Therapy and medication has helped a lot. Its taken time, and working with her school and her psychologist, but she is getting there and is doing a lot better.

You seem very passive for someone who's kid is having big difficulties with school. Like yes individually yes everything you've said is correct, you can't MAKE him like school; you can't MAKE him want to go to school; you DON'T have to go into school with him if you don't want to (unless they refused to have him if you don't); you DON'T have to try another school if he doesn't want you to; You DON'T have to home educate him, but as his parent you SHOULD be trying to help this kid not have such a bad experience. What ARE you doing to try to do that? Every time someone suggests, moving him, home educating him, spending more time in school with him, you make a valid but kind of weird excuse. Like YOU need to be trying things to help him feel better and at the moment you just sound like you don't care and can't be bothered to be honest. Maybe he also is quite lazy and doesn't care much about anything?

The SENCO doesn't know her job. It's pretty clear that he has emotionally-based school avoidance (what used to be known as school phobia) which is rooted in anxiety. By asking you to come in, the school is admitted that it is unable to meet his needs from its own resources, therefore he qualifies for an EHC Plan. You should enter your own application, and also ask your GP for an urgent referral for help with his anxiety.

If the member of staff is concerned that he is not interacting with his peers, why is he then taken out of class to work with his mom in another room?

I can't see the point of what she is asking you to do with your son in this weekly visit. He brings his work to her office where he sits with you and does his work while she does other things. I can't see how this helps him at all with his issues around school.

I can understand her having a small group of parents meeting who might be able to support each other but you need to be careful that it does also transfer into helping your son and does not just become a self-support for the parents.

Being frank, the school is not doing enough. It sounds to me as if it has been decided he does not have SEN (but he absolutely does) so the issue has been passed to a learning mentor type person to 'deal with' and there has been no assessment of your son's needs. Yet the school can see he hates attending and admit has no friends, does not engage with others socially. The SENCO will be under-pressure and prioritising his/her time and resources but that is not helping your son.
I think there are ways forward.

1. The Ed Psych should follow your son around the school for two mornings- in registration, in lessons, at Break and Lunchtime and record what they see him doing in terms of learning and socially.
2. They should assess him formally.
3. They should meet with you and discuss with you what you see and experience in terms of his behaviour/friendships/attitudes to school and at home.
4. They should ask teachers for their observations about him socially and academically.
5. There should be a meeting, which you should be invited to be part of, that pulls all of this together and decides on a plan going forwards to help your son. It is not good enough for a SENCO to say he does not have any SEN- he patently does and deserves help. It's a very long time for a child to be so unhappy and crying out for help and not to have had any. He is not far off moving to secondary school. Children who cope badly with primary school and are not properly assessed and supported, often cannot cope with the change and completely fail in secondary school- which is a very stressful change for them and exacerbates all of the pressures on them. He needs help now.

Can't imagine being so... absent... about the whole thing. What an utterly bizarre situation.

My child is EBSA and I know everything about the teacher's names and job titles, their qualifications, her interventions, her behaviour in school, etc. I've done my own research on SEN and secured her a diagnosis.

The school would never let me in to sit with her, even if I requested, let alone several times a week!