School want me to come in 3 times a week?

[WhatanEmbarrasment]

Would you find this too much? I have a 9 year old who doesn’t like school he often refuses to go in and this can make us late as it’s difficult getting him up and ready meaning we are often late (it isn’t our closest school and I’ve looked into moving him but he doesn’t want to change schools) a member of staff approached me from his school a year ago to speak about his dislike of school and asked me if I could come in for a meeting I said yes, during the meeting we spoke and she asked if I could come in every Thursday and sit with him for an hour whilst he does his work. I agreed at the time as she said she thought it would help him want to come in but I didn’t realise how long it would go on for, it’s been a year. Initially I thought it would be a few weeks or something?! There’s been breaks where I haven’t been in for illness etc but this started a year ago. The other day I dropped him to school and I had an awful morning where everything was just on top of me so when she caught me I looked like I was about to cry (I wasn’t it was just the last thing I needed) so she asked me to come in the next day, I came in and she’s basically asking me to come in 3 times a week for different things, every week so as a regular thing.

I feel like 3 times a week is far too much, even 1 day a week felt quite full on as I don’t know anyone who has weekly meetings at their children’s school. It hasn’t helped or changed the situation at all. Sometimes I will try to avoid her and drop them and hope to quickly leave so I don’t see her but she has clearly told the office not to let my children in until she gets there as I will buzz but they won’t let me in until she arrives. Would you find 3 times a week too much? I don’t know how to get out of this

Social anxiety can be an SEN on its own and it can be part of something like autism. You don't need to be disruptive to have an SEN and need a little extra support. I genuinely do not think very much of the SENCO you've been speaking to.

so at that point then regardless he needs to go into school.

Again, there are other possibilities. It doesn’t have to be EHE or MS if MS isn’t appropriate.

Sorry to ask OP, but you haven’t answered the question of what his does at home?

I understand he is anxious about going to school but how does he occupy his time at home?

I’m confused. If he has no behavioural issues and doesn’t kick off why are they asking you to go in??

What are the 3 older DCs like?

Did they ever refuse school?

Do they never get 1:1 with you if you have youngest 24/7?

Why doesn't he go to your DM's anymore?

Does he do school type work for you at home- reading/writing/basic maths?

Sounds like there's some kind of attachment issue.

I would say a level of anxiety that makes school very tricky is SEN in itself.

What happens when he’s in school? Is he one who simply won’t participate? Does he quietly but repeatedly ask to go home? It’s obviously something he finds difficult and gets emotional about if he was crying before it restarted, bless him. Is he anxious in other situations? You mentioned he was in clubs and was happy in those. What’s his own response if you ask what makes him feel comfortable at a club, but isn’t there at school?

Just trying to think it though as obviously there was a serious issue and that was why you were asked to attend regularly, but it wasn’t behavioural. (My ds doesn’t come under behavioural SEN at school, but does come under emotional.)

They are not 3 older I have 2 older one younger. None of them are school refusers and have liked school generally although my youngest has sometimes started to copy him and not wanted to go to school but more related to if it’s been the holidays then doesn’t want to go back to school but generally likes school and is happy there and I know it’s just him rubbing off on her. None of my children get alone time with me that’s just part and parcel of being a lone parent with no support, I no longer talk to my mum that’s why he doesn’t go there anymore. He just does usual things at home plays with siblings, watches tv, yes he has a device but he didn’t get that until 2 years ago and has limited time on it. Today we’ve been to the shops, been to the park, made cakes.

Because she approached me over the fact he doesn’t interact with the other children and didn’t have any friends and didn’t speak much at school and asked me to come in to discuss what was going on. When she made the appointments she started seeing that we was often late because I couldn’t get him in on time as he wouldn’t get up or get dressed and refuses to leave the house in the mornings and generally makes mornings difficult that’s when she started asking me to come in more often.

Also, sorry if you answered this already, OP (I have gone through and read all your posts and couldn’t see it) but if he’s 9, he was Y1 when Covid happened, do you think that might have impacted him as not seeing school as something that ‘had’ to be gone to? I know it took a huge amount of convincing and explaining to get my ds who’s a similar age to understand it wasn’t a negotiable thing because he was such a formative age when lockdown happened.

So he does have social issues. Is it being quiet or selectively mute?You can refuse to stay and ask what they are doing to support your ds instead.

he was in year 2 when covid happened so not sure that’s related

Ok re COVID. Just thought I’d mention as was a big one for my DS a he still asks to be homeschooled again now like in COVID. 🙂

Does your ds manage to chat to the other children more now or has he still found that hard?

It probably didn’t help as he did love being at home during that time. She’s started a group for him to encourage friendships which seems to be going well

I agree with this.

It sounds really rough on you OP, but you can't carry on like this indefinitely - I wouldn't homeschool either.

My grandson was exactly the same when he started school - it got to the point where he couldn't complete an hour there. Unlike your DS though he showed his anxiety through disruption so the school were eager to move him to a more 'appropriate setting'.

He was assessed by the EdPsy linked to the school, got a EHCP and within the first year was moved to a special school where he has absolutely thrived. My DD has never had to pick him up early in his new school - he's been there nearly 2 years now.

If I was you I'd push for him to be assessed by an Educational Psychologist and go from there.

The group sounds really good. That makes sense re COVID, I think a lot of children who found school tricky found once they’d been able to be at home for long stretches, that was all they wanted to do.

I think what I’d do in your situation is ask the school to do a one page profile (SENCO) based on the extra support they’ve already put in place for his needs as you both see them (encouragement in connecting with other children, support in attending school) and ask the school to think if there’s something more they could do. It’s not about ND, but about any child who has some extra needs (like previous school refusal and ongoing struggles with anxiety around school) being supported for those specific needs. Write down how you feel going into school to support him has gone and why/how you feel it’s not been helpful for your ds and give them a copy. Explain you can’t keep going in with him and see if they will phase it out and replace it with other support instead. (I think if I went in, my ds would be quite reliant on that and that would become his focus, rather than trying to bond or relate to other children or learn ways to manage being at school - that might just be him, but I can see why you might feel it hasn’t helped.) Explore his feelings about it together, but if you don’t think he has ND and it’s maybe an anxiety around school that’s been affected by lockdowns etc, I think just school support and phasing out doing in would be my next steps. Really hope things get easier - must be exhausting being called in all the time!

@WhatanEmbarrasment - if your child has severe anxiety that is negatively effecting his education, then that is a special educational need. SEN doesn’t just mean learning difficulties.

Youve reached a crunch point, contact the office in the morning and say you need an appointment with the SENCO and the class teacher as you going in 3 times a week to offer additional support is no longer possible, so you need to come up with a plan as best to support him. There is help with mental health issues in primary including anxiety, and he should be on a list for that.

Do they think a change of school would help? Have you viewed the closer school?

you can’t go in, so they need to come up with a plan.

Can you share what the general attitude is about school and education in your family? How far did you, your parents, and siblings go in school?

I think you should do everything you can to sort this issue out. It isn't fair on the teachers or the other children, and also isn't good for your son

Why are you trying to say it’s my fault he doesn’t like school 🤔 not sure why any of that matters. I’ve been nothing but positive and all of my other children have no issues with school but I guess parents to blame 🤷‍♀️

If he's 9 why can't you just have a proper talk with him? There's probably a good chance he's being bullied and maybe that's why he doesn't want to go

This is a lot. The fact this strategy has been in use for over year means it's not working. Is there a reason you are sticking with the same school? You mention he doesn't like it but doesn't want to change?

I would ask to speak to the SENCO about other strategies for getting him into school. Is there a learning mentor that could meet him and do some work with him regarding coming to school? Maybe there is a little nurture group he could join for a few weeks for confidence for coming to school. Are there certain parts he actively dislikes (playtimes/ transitions)?

I really wouldn't rule out a different school. I would take him visiting. Sometimes children just don't gel with the children in their existing year group or the school as a whole. I had a student join my class once from a different school. They hated school and wouldn't go in, the parents had had 2 years of school refusal. They joined my class and after a few months became a different child. They just didn't gel with their old classmates personality wise and found their old school busy and noisy.

They told their parents that my class was quieter and felt friendlier after a few months. They had more in common interest wise with the other students. There were less rules, the uniform more comfortable and the building was quieter. We were a smaller school so I suppose we felt less busy than the students previous larger school.

I totally missed you've been doing this for a year, sorry. I agree with PP it sounds like you need to change school or something. I really think you need to talk to him and get to the crux of what is going on. Maybe a childhood therapist or something?

You’re not to blame but that doesn’t mean there might not be contributing factors. That isn’t saying it’s your fault. Some kids can have a bit of a FOMO where home is concerned, especially if younger (or older) siblings are at home.

Weren’t you home schooling your eldest?

this is partly why i dont think the current school system is suitable overall, society didnt begin with modern schooling methods.

This might sound like a strange question, but is he worried about you? Some children don't like to be away from parent as it leaves them home alone. I know you say you are literally with him 24/7.
Do you work or are you at home alone a lot of the day?