Partner wants to share bank account

[RP1176]

My partner has started saying he thinks we should put all of our salaries into one bank account which both can have access to spend from as they see fit. All bills etc would come out of this account. I earn about £1000 more than him per month and I get a small amount of maintenance from my ex which my partner also wants to go into this joint account. Currently I pay 70% all household bills and most meals out and activities etc. I feel it is unfair as he is bad with money and has several debts he incurred before we met for example his flash car, and for music equipment he bought on finance. I don’t think I should have to pay for his poor choices. Also I have a very demanding job and worked really hard to get to where I am in my career. He chose to go travelling instead of getting an education, again I don’t see why I have to give up my hard earned money because he decided not to get an education or pick a career. I don’t expect him to pay my way and I buy most things for our son and everything for my own son from a previous relationship. He says I am being unreasonable and selfish, what are other people’s perspectives on this?

Obviously it’s a no.

Well, this is what we do to make sure we are contributing equally. But we are married and he is financially responsible. In your situation, I absolutely would not be funding his frivolity/poor money management.

That said, without doing so it will be hard to make him pay his way. I'd explain the problem to him and ask him to come up with a solution he's happy with that doesn't involve you handing over all your income. Eg you have a shared bank account but your salaries are paid into your own accounts. You both pay a set amount into the join account for shared stuff as a percentage of income, what remains in your own account is for your own use. I know lots of people who do this or similar.

Do not join finances.

As someone with experience ... do not do this.

He wants access to your money. Also, he can take debts out as joint debts, without you even needing to sign for them. Joint loans, Joint over drafts, Joint credit cards, and you and your children will suffer for it.

DO NOT do this.

No no no.

Keep separate accounts. Have a joint one if you must for bills where you both contribute an equal amount. Ensure any overdraft needs to be agreed by both ( or, better, only have a savings type account which won’t allow an overdraft. )
If you have different approaches and attitudes to money, it’s a certainty things will go badly wrong.

Bad idea. You can open up a new joint account where you both pay in x amount each month for bills but need both signatories to withdraw money.

Interesting you do that as I honestly don’t know anyone who does except my parents but I thought that was a generational thing. He wants to get married and says that all married couples he knows do this. And he disagrees he is bad with money. So I don’t really know what to do as he is saying I’m not committed to the relationship if I don’t. He says it should not be “my money” but “our money”. I certainly don’t see why he should have access to maintenance money which comes from my ex and is for my son

Even a joint account where he tells you is only for bills, he can still build up "joint" debts without you knowing.

And if he builds debts up by falsely using the joint account, you will be liable for them should he default.

You already know he is poor with money & has debts etc...

One option is sitting down and working out how much you each should contribute to bills eg 700/300 and then you transfer that amount to a joint account to pay bills each month. This keeps the rest of your money in your own accounts.

However with his financial history and you having a child, I wouldn’t do this. I’d keep finances completely separate. If he spent the money you get to support your child, he’d essentially be taking the food from his mouth and clothes off his back.

I do thin kthat if you ahve children together then your resources should be pooled.

My dh isn't bad with money but he is more of a spendthrift than me. We have a joint account that our salaries go into and all bills/food/household expenses are paid from that.

Then we have personal accounts that a set amount of money goes into each month and that is our personal spending money to do with as we wish.

My husbands flexibility enables me to bring home the income I do. I am comfortable that we both committed to a life, house, child together and that I want my money invested in that. Any big purchases we decide together and he is frugal to the point of tight so I have no concerns re him wasting money! We have legal agreements in our wills around pensions/house deposit contributions etc and I'm happy I'm well protected. Logistically it is easier for us to have the shared bank account although we each retain our own savings etc and divvy up any surplus money fairly.

He wouldn’t be saying this if he was the higher earner.

Also, quite a lot of the cohabitanting or married couples I know don’t do that. They either have completely separate accounts or they do what we do; pay a set amount each month in to a joint bills account.

He disagrees that we have a different approach to money though. I rarely buy anything for myself for example I don’t buy clothes really, I only get my hair cut twice a year, don’t buy many treats except the family meals out, day trips etc. nothing really that is just for me. Yet he says I am greedy and I am living a luxury lifestyle while he suffers because he is always in his overdraft. My car is practically falling apart but his is pretty near brand new 🤷‍♀️

There you have it. He's already using gaslighting / bullying tactic's by telling you if you don't do as he says, you are not committed to the relationship.

It's a standard tactic used by men who see pound signs when with a woman.

We're going to get people here saying "imagine if this was a man saying he didn't want to pool finances with his female partner" like a massive gotcha.
He's proven himself to be bad with money, I'd be very wary of doing it, whilst recognising that it's not unreasonable of him to want it.

Yes, he's bullying you.

Definitely not.

Well, we have one account and everything goes into that and all spending comes from that and I out earn DH massively. BUT.... 1. we are married 2. we have children together and 3. we have a similar approach to money and spending so there's no sense that one of us is getting to spend loads while the other one is scrimping and saving.

I think when you're not married, joint accounts for all money doesn't necessarily make sense, especially if you don't have children but it does depend on how your respective moneys are being spent and earned. Even before we got married, we paid into a joint account proportionally. It did mean I had more discretionary spending than him, even though I paid into the joint more, and sometimes I used that extra to pay for things like holidays or days out but at that point in our relationship, I don't think either of us would have been comfortable with all the money being accessible to both of us.

No, no, no again. Perhaps when he has cleared his debts and/if you ever get married.

DH and I have one joint account where the mortgage and joint bills are paid from, including the weekly grocery shop and 'matching bills' like phones/contact lenses. We pay proportional amounts to our salaries, so I pay more because I earn more currently and when I was on mat leave he paid more.

We try to have the same amount of spending money leftover each month, and anything extra is put into a savings account each so we have the same amount of savings each.

Your maintenance for your son should not come into the equation as that is for him and you therefore already have higher costs.

It was a simple no because of his financial history after your first post.

After the post where he calls you "greedy" its a LTB and do not marry this creep!

In a word - No!
The maintenance from the ex is for your child so that should be taken out of the equation altogether.
If he wants to complain about unfairness then all bills should be split down the middle including any costs for your child together but removing the costs for the first child as you cover those from your wages plus maintenance.
The bills money should be moved to a joint account that settles all bills and you each have whatever is left from your own personal wages.
He won't have much left but at least he might realise that he is not so badly off if the status quo is maintained even if you do pay the lions share.
You could show willing and say that once he has settled his own debts that you could revisit his suggestion then!! But that could be a long time coming!! What a shame?!!

My partner has started saying he thinks we should put all of our salaries into one bank account which both can have access to spend from as they see fit.

...

I earn about £1000 more than him per month

Course he does. I'd like to share a bank account with someone who earns much more than me, with carte blanche to spend as I like 😂

At the moment he sends me £500 at the start of the month and I pay all the bills and for all the food shopping, nappies, household essentials etc. All bills including food shopping comes to about £1600 a month. He is living in my house so he says he shouldn’t really be contributing that much to the bills as his name is not on the mortgage. I’d be happy to have a joint account which he pays £500 and I pay £1100, but he says that is still unfair as I’ll have more leftover than him. However he rarely pays for things we do together or as a family. And stuff the kids need like clothes etc I pay for.

My husband bullied me into getting a joint account.

He even contacted my HR department from my work computer to change my pay into the joint account.

For 6 months he had full access to my money and never paid any of his wages into the account, always had an excuse.

Do not trust this man as it sounds way too convenient for him to have access to you money.

Who's fault is it that he is on his overdraft? Not your's I'm guessing?

Please don't marry this man. He's blatantly saying he wants your money!