Partner wants to share bank account

[RP1176]

My partner has started saying he thinks we should put all of our salaries into one bank account which both can have access to spend from as they see fit. All bills etc would come out of this account. I earn about £1000 more than him per month and I get a small amount of maintenance from my ex which my partner also wants to go into this joint account. Currently I pay 70% all household bills and most meals out and activities etc. I feel it is unfair as he is bad with money and has several debts he incurred before we met for example his flash car, and for music equipment he bought on finance. I don’t think I should have to pay for his poor choices. Also I have a very demanding job and worked really hard to get to where I am in my career. He chose to go travelling instead of getting an education, again I don’t see why I have to give up my hard earned money because he decided not to get an education or pick a career. I don’t expect him to pay my way and I buy most things for our son and everything for my own son from a previous relationship. He says I am being unreasonable and selfish, what are other people’s perspectives on this?

I would end it. He wants access to your money as he hasn't got enough himself and that will end badly for you. I know you have kids to think about but you are subjecting them a toxic man and toxic relationship that will do more harm.

Boot the fucker out, he’s wanting your money to piss up the wall.
just bin him as he’s a complete waste of oxygen.
Sorry you’ve got such a waster in your life

Great, he knows he’s not your man

off he goes

he won’t ask for 5 days I’m sure.

where did he live before he lived with you?

get rid ASAP.

This too

Ltb. Claim cms. Claim UC possibly and help with childcare costs...
Your dc will resent you for staying in time op. He is a classic cunt..

He doesn't give zero fs about you or the kids from this response.

He's thinking you're a mug and won't actually boot him out.

Good thing you haven't bought a house with him, married, or combined finances.

“This is the last I'm speaking of it. I give you what I can afford. If I'm not paying enough I'm not your man”

No you are not paying enough, and no you are not a man that I want. Pack your bags. CMS will be in touch. Bye.

“This is the last I'm speaking of it. I give you what I can afford. If I'm not paying enough I'm not your man’

Ne’er a truer word spoken.

Well that's a bit rich given you weren't the one who started the conversation!
It would cost him more than £500 a month to live independently for food rent and bills.
Definitely don't get a joint account. He just wants your money.

Well of course it's the last he is speaking of it Doesn't suit him to discuss it much more does it - he might have to put his hand in his pocket a bit more.

Work out a fair divide and tell him that's the split going forward.

Also if you split there's no way he'd get 5 days of such a young baby. More likely he wouldn't get any overnights while baby is under 1, especially if you're breastfeeding and as you're the main carer

My response would be "You're absolutely right, you're not my man. Pack your bag and go."

He's a wastrel. He knows he's a wastrel. And the fact that all this shit has only happened since you gave birth to his child shows that he's a calculating wastrel. He waited until you were 'tied' to him by a joint child, and then the mask slipped.

You're probably going to have to winkle him out with a crowbar. He has latched onto you as his mealticket, and he won't give that up easily. But it still needs doing, he'll bleed you dry.

Is he that stupid? Or does he think you are?

His measly £500 a month is not INCOME for you. It is a (small and heavily subsidised) contribution to his living costs and that of HIS CHILD.

If he had to move out (because you woke up to what a prick he is) his monthly living costs would be far more.

What an absolute joke.

You are already paying far more than your proportion for the family - he a moocher if he is anything other than respectful of that.

Dear God he’s an arse! Change the locks and go to CMS. You’ll be massively better off.

He can understand. Nobody is that stupid. He’s paying, as a grown man with a full time job and a child, what many threads have said parents are charging their adult teens for a room at home.

OP I do not believe staying with this man long term is going to benefit your children in any way.

I understand the wish for stability but they learn from you and you are showing them that putting up with a selfish (abusive?) partner is something they should expect out of life.

You deserve more than a man who wants to spend the money you are earning on himself and who resents your child to the point where he would like a share of that child's maintenance (again to spend on himself).

Get out now while the kids are young. You don't have to read much on the relationships board to see how this behaviour only gets worse.

Im sorry but he is abusive and the sooner you get out of this the better and easier it will be for you. The gaslighting, the threats, not being fair, trying to get control of all the money, getting you pregnant before revealing who he really is, its all classic abuser behaviour.

As you are on maternity leave he will not be given majority custody of your baby. I would use that to my advantage and get out of it now as it will be much much harder the longer you leave it. He will be lining himself up to be a stay at home parent once you return to work and then it will be very hard for you. Dont let that happen, what your children will suffer for living in an abusive relationship is the worst thing you can do to them. Being with just you in a happy calm home is the best thing you can for them. Be aware if you tell him its over, his behaviour will change overnight as he will realise he has been scuppered. Do not believe it, the moment he is safe to again he will revert back to the abuse.

Get rid.
This man is a user and a bully.
More damage will be done to your children if he stays than if he goes.

Good advice here.

Just seen your update OP. Wow! He's a gaslighting, manipulative, CF, cock lodging, poor excuse of a man. Tell him to take on some more work if he wants some more cash! He should not be taking it off women and children, and sulking when you say no!

I can’t believe you think staying with him is better for your kids than leaving him.

Also, he’s very nicely managed to deflect the whole conversation which started as him asking for access to your money as well as his, and will now no doubt somehow become HIM demanding an apology from YOU for being a greedy money hungry woman demanding more money from him. You will end up being the bad guy in this, I can almost guarantee it. Just because you’ve pointed out the issues with his initial demand.

Send him a message: "I agree - you're not paying enough and you're no longer my man. Best of luck finding somewhere to live, including bills, food, holidays and treats, for £500 per month."

Another one here. My father left when I was four and had a much a happier childhood and life than my older brother and sister.

It really is much nicer to be a single parent or the child of a single parent than to live with an abuser.

£1700 after tax each month works out at 25k salary a year, assuming he doesn’t make pension contributions due to paying off his debts. If this is correct then CMS due would be £250 a month. That doesn’t drop unless he has your shared child overnight for at least 2 days a week, and even then it’s still £200. So his actual contribution to the bills is £250. He doesn’t know how good he’s got it.

Worth knowing this because it sounds like you would be able to support your family if you ask him to leave. You are already doing all the everything else. He doesn’t do anything.

Sorry OP I have RTFT but I'm stuck on this one. The brass neck of a parent saying their cut of bills should be smaller because HIS CHILD has baths but he doesn't. Seriously??????

What did his apspirations of parenthood include? It sounds like he's still very much single minded and not even wanting to share costs with his own child.

I'm with the others here, boot him, there's no upside here for you if you keep him but lots of downside.