Partner wants to share bank account

[RP1176]

My partner has started saying he thinks we should put all of our salaries into one bank account which both can have access to spend from as they see fit. All bills etc would come out of this account. I earn about £1000 more than him per month and I get a small amount of maintenance from my ex which my partner also wants to go into this joint account. Currently I pay 70% all household bills and most meals out and activities etc. I feel it is unfair as he is bad with money and has several debts he incurred before we met for example his flash car, and for music equipment he bought on finance. I don’t think I should have to pay for his poor choices. Also I have a very demanding job and worked really hard to get to where I am in my career. He chose to go travelling instead of getting an education, again I don’t see why I have to give up my hard earned money because he decided not to get an education or pick a career. I don’t expect him to pay my way and I buy most things for our son and everything for my own son from a previous relationship. He says I am being unreasonable and selfish, what are other people’s perspectives on this?

FFS OP

I know a lot of step-parents and I am one.

None of them that last and even most who don't stay one are as mean as your partner.

DO NOT open a joint bank account with this selfish spendthrift man.

He's an entitled, selfish, lazy git. Joint bank account? Err no.

Seriously hearing the rest if you throw him out and claim child maintenance you will be better off in so many other ways and his £500 less the child maintenance will hardly be missed!

So you live at your partners?

He says if we split he wants our baby son 5 days a week and I have him 2 days so that I would have to pay maintenance to him

One of my neighbours who is elderly and disabled helped me by doing this during the day when everyone else was at work.

And an able-bodied father can't do more?

Also I am not against a joint account. I just don’t want to put my entire salary in there. Happy to put my 70% contribution to bills food etc in a joint account but that’s not what he wants. He wants both of our entire salary’s in one account plus my child’s maintenance money and then we both use that account including for our own personal direct debits such as his debt payments, mobile phone bills etc

I hope that you laughed in his face.
Can’t you see that he’s trying to get money out of you and he’s not long term relationship material ? Don’t marry him or have any more kids with him- he’s just out to use you financially. Let him go and set up a new home. Bills plus child maintenance is going to be way more than £500

I don’t think my setup would work for OP if they don’t share financial values (and that’s fine and doesn’t mean they’re fundamentally incompatible), but I just took umbrage with you saying he wouldn’t be saying it if he was the higher earner, as he might.

The main reason I got married (when me and DH earned similar, but it was clear I had greater earning power) was that I wanted anything we built from there to be equal and us both to be protected whatever happens. I feel the need to say this a lot on MN where the advice is generally get married if you’re less financially stable and not if you are more financially stable. My advice married if you both want equal entitlement no matter what happens. And if your partner disagrees with your views on marriage, find someone else.

OP he sounds dreadful. Read that back as if your best friend / Mum / sister was telling you this.

What do you actually get from this relationship?

Wants to pay less cos he showers and the children have baths... good grief!

Reminds me of my ex who once told me in all seriousness that I should buy my own coffee (instant for the house) cos he didn't drink it. My bills went down significantly after he moved out. Food bill halved, sky bill gone and even utilities cheaper as he use to stay up all night watching tv.

Really can’t understand why you’re even considering this op. If you had any sense you would get rid of him. Sounds like an absolute parasite.

No the son isn’t his, but he’s sharing a room every night with him while the mother sleeps elsewhere with the baby.

I am a big advocate for fully shared and transparent finances. However, I wouldnt in your case where you are not married, have very different spending patterns and have non shared children.
It would make sense to share an account for shared expenses and pay proportionally into it.

He sounds a waste of space, sorry.

As for him having the baby 5 days a week... laughable.

And it's maternity leave, not housework leave.

At least it's not going to cost you that much to get rid of him...

Keep your finances separate but allow each other to see each other's accounts and discuss bills and who pays etc.
Make sure neither of you is ignorant and show your DP how to manage money by example.. he doesn't have to stay as a poor money manager.
Actually, I woiuld only consider marrying him he improves how he handles money.

There are plenty of people on here saying they do this so I don’t think it’s that unusual which is why I am unsure if I am being unreasonable saying no or not. I was married to my ex and we never did this: we split all bills 50:50 and both paid the correct amount into a joint account. There was never even a discussion of who earned more or had more left over. We just both kept the remainder of our own money. My partner says this is why my previous relationship didn’t work out

Aye right! He's too lazy as well as mean. Although you are breastfeeding, can you express and leave him in charge for a day? Take your older son so that it's easy for him. Of course he has to do cleaning, laundry, shopping and cooking as well as looking after the baby. Basically all the stuff you do EVERY DAY

😂😂😂😂😂😂

yes and I want a flying rainbow glitter unicorn

aah OP, why do smart, well educated women like you get themselves with these fucking idiots.

he can wish away, no judge in this country will grant a man 5 days a week custody of a small baby unless the mum is seriously abusive eg. drug addict/physically endangering the child. he can dream on. ALL men threaten this, it's in the "I am a total prick" handbook. it's a classic. it will also never happen. most likely once you boot him out and he finds a new woman to be his mum/free hotel/shag, he will show NO interest in the baby. I've seen this countless times.

boot him out. change the locks.

This is horrible to read. I'm sorry you chose to have a baby with this cocklodger. He is no use to you.

Of course he will not get the baby 5 nights a week, what s ridiculous suggestion. He has no idea how to care for a baby, he probably won't have him 1 night a week!

Get rid OP! He's a loser!

If he does nothing round the house and for the kids now, I think that’s an idle threat designed to stop you from leaving.

However I dont think it’s a good sign that you are on mat leave and have had conversations about splitting up and sharing the baby! Honestly OP, it doesn’t sound great.

Nope. This is definitely not a good idea. A joint account for the joint bills and individual accounts for your salaries. You may wish to reconsider when he's paid off all his debts etc. Otherwise you will end up with zero for yourself and your son

Hell no

Totally. Under no circs. You have children - you need to consider their needs and why should your partner have any access whatsoever to money paid to cover part of their needs.

Frankly I wouldn't trust his motives as far as I could throw them and the fact that he is so into your money and home would put me right off!

This gets worse. I despair sometimes. Please get rid of this useless, horrible man. I am going to hide this thread. Please get rid of him op. You are better off without him.

This has to be a reverse surely ??