Partner wants to share bank account

[RP1176]

My partner has started saying he thinks we should put all of our salaries into one bank account which both can have access to spend from as they see fit. All bills etc would come out of this account. I earn about £1000 more than him per month and I get a small amount of maintenance from my ex which my partner also wants to go into this joint account. Currently I pay 70% all household bills and most meals out and activities etc. I feel it is unfair as he is bad with money and has several debts he incurred before we met for example his flash car, and for music equipment he bought on finance. I don’t think I should have to pay for his poor choices. Also I have a very demanding job and worked really hard to get to where I am in my career. He chose to go travelling instead of getting an education, again I don’t see why I have to give up my hard earned money because he decided not to get an education or pick a career. I don’t expect him to pay my way and I buy most things for our son and everything for my own son from a previous relationship. He says I am being unreasonable and selfish, what are other people’s perspectives on this?

Has he returned the flash car and music equipment?
In your circumstances I wouldn’t do it. It sounds like he only wants this to have extra income to spend.
Why does he want to do this? What does he think will improve by doing this? What isn’t working for him? Does he currently have personal spending money? If he doesn’t I would maybe rearrange it to make sure he did, if you can afford to. Though he needs to pay off his debts, that’s not on you. And you need to have your own spending money (for you, not the kids). Also savings, what does he see for those?
You pay everything for your son, so he doesn’t contribute, but he wants maintenance to go in the joint account?

Joint or just fair finances can work great I think but both parties need to be on the same page. I can’t help but think all he is seeing is more money for him to spend.

Dump him. Or this is just the tip of the iceberg. You will work all your life continually bailing him out.

We changed to this after having our first DC, maternity pay is rubbish so we joined it all together.

I was taking the time off to look after a baby and then dropped down to part time when I went back to work.

The joint household income is ours to share, he doesn't get more just because he's the higher earner - we're building a family and a life together, keeping finances separate will always cause arguments.

Dump him. Dump him. Dump him.

He’ll find out what a bargain he had for £500. Cheeky bastard.

Although I would add we wouldn't have done this if we hadn't been together for 10 years before we were married and a further 3 years before having DC1. It isn't something to go into lightly and I wouldn't be

Doing it in your circumstance right now!

We've been thinking about this recently @RP1176 . It might be worth looking at Starling Bank.

Why don't you document everything you spend in one month as a family (including all the extras you pay for), then work out the proportions based on income and show him that. I would imagine you end up paying more than him most months. That might shut him up.

Dump him. I can smell financial abuse a mile off.

Who is he to say you're not committed if you're not sharing finances?

I would say that maybe you're not committed and with his pushing even after you've said no you'll have to rethink whether you both want the same thing.

Then watch as he backpedals like mad.

I earn double what my husband does. We both get paid into a joint account, get an equal amount of “free spends” into our personal accounts and the rest is for joint spending and we both have access.

We’re a family and legal unit and operate as one economic unit, it’s all “our money”.

I (the much higher earner) instigated this, and wouldn’t be in a relationship that was run any other way. However having similar financial values was an important aspect of a relationship/partner for me so it hasn’t ever been an issue - and I would split everything 50:50 in a divorce scenario, despite bringing more to the table, as I truly and deeply believe it’s all ours.

Get rid he's using you.

Please wake up. He lives in your house for free he's a CF and a cock lodger. He basically wants you to pool all your money in to his account so he can share your savings and your child's!!!! As he will essentially be spending the child's maintenance. He specifically asked for the child's maintenance to be put in to one account for him to share too? Wow. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

And you are with him, why?

We both put a set amount into a joint account for bills. I put in double the amount of DH as I’m a much higher earner.

What are his good points? I can’t see any

Not only would I be refusing to join finances, I’d be ditching him! How dare he call YOU greedy!

Which is great, and I’m really happy that it works for you both and you are both responsible with money and have that relationship.

Not all couples do that for a variety of reasons, and quite a few I know don’t. It isn’t right for everyone. Just offering the OP an alternative narrative to her partners “all married couples do this” statement.

He says you're greedy and living a luxury lifestyle yet your outgoings are fairly frugal so his assessment seems very unfair to me.

Hell no, if he asks just say he's financially irresponsible and you don't want any of your money going to his debt. You have kids ffs. You're not a bank. What's his reason why???? Spend how he sees fit? Money that he's not working for?
If he needs something, he can ask you for it. If you're paying 70% of everything where does his money go? He must have a lot of debt and he needs to find a way to earn extra income to pay it off. Doesn't seem like he's concerned.

I wouldn't even do a joint account. He doesn't appear trustworthy. He should have no problem transferring his share to your account for expenses and since you're the responsible one you make sure the bills are paid. Also there's an allotment. There is no "our money" until he marries you. Just talking about marriage isn't enough.

If I were you I would end the relationship, I'd rather have the disagreement over finances happen now than when you're married and have a complicated divorced. It's a top reason for divorce.

Really think about this because if things go wrong and not as planned, you'll regret it.

Just ask him what the benefits are for him doing it this way. Then ask him what the benefits are for you doing it this way. Then take it from there.

Do check the Entitled to website and do a calculation based on being a single parent without him.

You'll be OK without him, should he threaten the relationship because you don't do as he says.

And he will threaten to go ... let him!

Go ahead have a joint account then come back in a year and let us know how much debt you are now in because of him, how much of your child's maintenance he has spent on himself and if you are losing the roof over your head.
He is using you.

Nope. Joint account is fine. You both put your contribution to the bills in there, plus a little extra to save for holidays, birthdays, Christmases and the like. But you keep the rest - ideally invest it into personal savings that are solely yours. But never, ever completely combine finances, it's so dangerous.

We used to have a joint account that we paid into pro rata of our salaries and our own accounts for the rest of our individual money. The joint account covered all bills and food shopping. We also had separate savings accounts and later investments. Obviously we would share funds sometimes, it wasn't written in stone and we would both add more to the joint account if necessary to purchase large items. We were married though and trusted each other.

It always seemed odd to me that people bought their DH or DW presents out of a joint account.

Blimey OP, definitely don't marry him.

Hard no from me.

Dp earns around the same as me, lives in my house but I spoke yoma solicitor to protect my interest and prevent him getting my house should we split. We are marrying later this year and whilst difficult to force in a UK court we will have a prenup in place to protect things for my dd.

Because of this he pays nothing towards the cost of the house. We have a clear budget which is fully visible and the house costs I.e. insurances, mortgage etc are all deducted from bills and the rest is then classed as the "shared bills". He pays me his share of the shared bills.

But he is not brilliant at management his money. Nothing horrific. But he will splash the cash for his son and often send money when honestly he cant really afford it, but he also won't say no to his son which I totally understand. That said I am.not about to fund his son's lifestyle or that of his exw, they are not my responsibility. In the same way I would not expect him to fund my dd. So all her activity costs, school costs etc are all paid for by me or her dad.

I can't afford to risk my mortgage by having a shared account, so we don't now and won't ever share finances via a joint account.

Of course, you will always have more money than him - you put in the work to be able to earn that money. He wants a free ride on your money.
Maybe when you plan an activity you should tell him that it will cost him £xyz as you are paying your share. He is already taking advantage of you but under the guise of saying that you are spending more than him. Of course you are - you are paying for him and using your money to do so.
If he has access to your money - you won't be able to afford these things - however generous you are - because he will have already spent it!! If he wants to even things out then he needs to get a better paying job!!