Partner wants to share bank account

[RP1176]

My partner has started saying he thinks we should put all of our salaries into one bank account which both can have access to spend from as they see fit. All bills etc would come out of this account. I earn about £1000 more than him per month and I get a small amount of maintenance from my ex which my partner also wants to go into this joint account. Currently I pay 70% all household bills and most meals out and activities etc. I feel it is unfair as he is bad with money and has several debts he incurred before we met for example his flash car, and for music equipment he bought on finance. I don’t think I should have to pay for his poor choices. Also I have a very demanding job and worked really hard to get to where I am in my career. He chose to go travelling instead of getting an education, again I don’t see why I have to give up my hard earned money because he decided not to get an education or pick a career. I don’t expect him to pay my way and I buy most things for our son and everything for my own son from a previous relationship. He says I am being unreasonable and selfish, what are other people’s perspectives on this?

There are plenty of people on here in relationships with responsible partners who aren’t trying to be financially abusive. It works for them. It absolutely would not work with a partner who wants to spend his money and all of yours.

Also there are plenty of people on here saying they don’t do it that way. It’s fine not to give him access to all your money!

sorry you are in this situation OP. This is the threat that lots of men use to prevent you leaving. He will not follow through on this. He will need a court to make an order that this is what should happen and since you are on maternity leave and doing everything I expect he will find it difficult to come up with a persuasive argument as to why.

I suggest you read all the op's posts. the only option that's sensible is to get rid of him

No, you're not being unreasonable.

You're partner saying this is why it didn't work out is a red flag.

Sorry I didn't read the full thread. Until recently DH and I kept our accounts separate. That is because DH is a farmer and every thing he has seems to go into the farm! But we recently set up a joint revolut and it is working well, before he just gave me what ever money I asked for.

I added up all of our bills, they now come out of the joint. But off the joint I now have 'pockets' I have one for Christmas, DC birthday, holidays, 'emergency' I worked out how much everything comes to over the year. We both then add our share to the revolut, for us it's 50/50 as that's fair for us. We are then left with our own money to do with as we please. I have a car loan, he doesn't. He buys many tractor things, I don't!

@CoffeeBeansGalore @therealcookiemonster well said, couldn’t agree more!

Really? Let him try. He is using emotional blackmail!

@RP1176 I also wanted to add OP... relationship working out is not the goal. so what you broke up with your ex and so what if you have other partners in the future that it doesn't work out with. we are not in the 1950s anymore.

the goal is for you and the children to be happy and safe. that will never happen with his sad pathetic excuse of a man around. the money/joint account is a red herring (although he is literally setting you up to financially abuse you). the real issue is that he is a selfish, entitled man child. I am not sure why his behaviour isn't giving you a massive ick.

Amongst other things, he's calling you greedy, manipulating you into questioning your commitment to your relationship, threatening to take the baby 5 days a week if you separate...these are the words of an arsehole, not someone who cares about their partner. He's manipulating you to try and get his own way by making you feel bad and playing on your fears. Do not get a joint account with him and do not marry him. He will burn his way through every penny (plus more) in that joint account leaving you and your children without.

How much debt does he have? That would be my first question - I would want a total.

I agree with pooling money usually however I wonder if u are paying 70% of the bills already if there is a need?

Do you have 1k more disposable than him per month Or do you earn 1k more than him a month?

Do you share a mortgage?
Do you have joint savings?

Pp has it...

He is literally and so obviously after your money and share of your house. Don't marry him and don't combine finances.
If you didn't have a baby I'd suggest you split up but I think you have a problem ahead of you. He resents your older son as well. He sounds horrible tbh.

This

Fuck sake. Of course you don’t do that! You’re not married. You’re unprotected. He is shit with money and has debts that he basically wants you to pay off for him and let him have access to your money AND your child’s money that he can fuck around with as he pleases? He’s a lazy cocklodging abusive prick. My sister got sucked in with that crap-she was lucky to not end up homeless. She wasn’t even allowed a normal bank account in the end, had to have the equivalent of a child’s one as he had fucked her credit score so badly.

NO, FUCK THAT SHIT. DO NOT WHATEVER HAPPENS GIVE HIM ACCESS TO YOUR MONEY.

My three older brothers who do this have been married for 25-30 years.

In two cases my SILs out earn my brothers in one case by a hell of a lot.

He's full of shit.

Massive red flag on so many levels. The fact that he has even brought this up indicates he’s mentally checking out of the relationship and that he wants to make money out of your baby is a bit sick!

FWIW my DH and I don’t have a joint account or access to one another’s accounts, he earns 4x what I earn.

Aside from everything that has already been said, here are two other things to consider OP.

1. If you have a joint account with someone you become financially associated. This means that they can impact your credit worthiness.
2. Once you open a joint account, you can only close it if both parties agree. One party can freeze the account but they cannot close it on their own so you would presumably remain financially associated.

Personally, I think you are being taken for a mug and it would be madness to join your finances. That said, I think it's madness you are in a relationship with this selfish waste of oxygen to begin with.

An emphatic NO from me. I would swiftly be reconsidering the whole relationship.

The OP is probably better off splitting now while the baby is young.

Why? He can drag it to Court and he won't get his 5 days per week or even 50/50.

sorry am confused, how exactly does having a baby prevent her from being able to split up with this abusive prick?

No, no, NO. As others have said he is using manipulative bullying techniques to guilt trip you into doing this. DO NOT do it.

I am married with a baby on the way. We have our own accounts and joint accounts for bills, food, mortgage, holidays etc. It works just fine.

You will absolutely live to regret it if you join all finances with him.

The guy sounds like a nasty, selfish piece of crap. Please don’t let him have access to your money or you’ll be taking it right out of your kids hands. My husband and I have a joint account. He pays in £700 and I pay in £1300 as I earn more than him and I have three dc from my previous marriage so I want to pay more (as this money covers food bill too). This 2k covers our house outgoings - family car, household bills and food, we don’t have a mortgage / rent. We then have our own separate accounts which our wages go into. I also have my child maintenance go into this and child benefit etc. so what I pay into the joint account is a larger sum as I earn more and the kids cost more.

we then have an arrangement whereby he pays for our family holiday each year and any treats for us as a couple (concerts, meals out etc) and I pay for Christmas and kids birthdays and their pocket money, clothes and anything. We each have our own savings accounts and will pool money for big purchases like new sofa etc.

My DH and I do this (split bills 50:50 or proportionate to income). I pay everything, DH gives me money. No joint account at all. Married 31 years. I think it highly unlikely this is the reason your previous relationship didn't work out.
YANBU and don't let him persuade you otherwise.

That last line is below the belt.

Has this behaviour started since you had your baby? 'D'P is gaslighting you and using you. Do not fall for what he is telling you. I'm a little concerned about you doubting yourself despite all the evidence of his bad spending habits and of his attitude & behaviour towards you & the household/chores/parenting/children. Doubting your own judgement and accepting/justifying other's poor behaviour and words are the most insidious effects of gaslighting and abuse.

Nope.

You could each put some money in a joint account, but if he is bad with money, don’t even do this, as he will just fritter it away, and your bills won’t be paid.
Just keep him sending you the money, if he gets access to that £1100 he will spend it.

Dont take the risk

Just say no.