Partner wants to share bank account

[RP1176]

My partner has started saying he thinks we should put all of our salaries into one bank account which both can have access to spend from as they see fit. All bills etc would come out of this account. I earn about £1000 more than him per month and I get a small amount of maintenance from my ex which my partner also wants to go into this joint account. Currently I pay 70% all household bills and most meals out and activities etc. I feel it is unfair as he is bad with money and has several debts he incurred before we met for example his flash car, and for music equipment he bought on finance. I don’t think I should have to pay for his poor choices. Also I have a very demanding job and worked really hard to get to where I am in my career. He chose to go travelling instead of getting an education, again I don’t see why I have to give up my hard earned money because he decided not to get an education or pick a career. I don’t expect him to pay my way and I buy most things for our son and everything for my own son from a previous relationship. He says I am being unreasonable and selfish, what are other people’s perspectives on this?

In your situation I absolutely wouldn't share finances.

Set up a joint account, paying just enough into it to cover necessary bills. Each pay a different amount into that account based on your income and negotiating skills. The rest is yours to spend as you like.

When he’s not at work he will hold the baby while I do stuff for my son, cook or do other housework. I bath with my son for example and he will cuddle the baby while I do so. He shares a room with my son because he’s working and our baby doesn’t sleep well at night. And because I’m breastfeeding and need to be able to have the baby in the bed to feed etc. he says having to share with my son is really putting him out despite my son doesn’t wake at all during the night, I settle him to sleep then my partner goes in and goes to sleep in there once my son is already sleeping

Ask yourself if you will love your new life of Living In Your Overdraft...... Ltb and don't look back.

No, don’t do it, op.
Also, don’t marry him because he will be entitled to a share of your house.

I don’t even think this would work because he doesn’t agree with buying birthday and Christmas presents. Doesn’t think he should have to pay proper bills because it isn’t his house and he doesn’t use as much gas. Doesn’t pay towards her child but expects maintenance in the joint account. Has £1200 p/m to himself but goes into his overdraft each month. And thinks it’s reasonable to have a new flash car, and run up debts, but calls his frugal partner greedy because her not doing that leaves her with more money than him.

Good grief woman. Open your eyes and take a good look at your current situation. 🤯

You’re living with a greedy cocklodger and he needs to go.

You know he’s crap with money. Just because he won’t agree with you doesn’t mean you’re wrong. Have faith in your own judgment and Chuck him out.

You can do so much better and your kids need a better role model. What did you see in him? Did you get together on the rebound from your ex?

For committed parents where both are financially responsible and singing off the same hymn sheet I think joint finances are the way to go.

An alternative is a 3-account system; one joint (into which most £ goes) and one each into which an amount is paid for personal spends.

However, from what you’ve said his intentions here are to have more money, when I think you are already paying more than your fair share.

I agree above - don’t share your £ with this man and don’t marry him.

I genuinely believe families should pool all their money. Put aside in another account all the money needed for bills etc, put aside for agreed saving targets and then share the rest. All spending completely transparent.

But this only works if you have a partner you trust and with similar financial traits/goals/outlooks/attitude to risk. I wouldn't consider myself compatible with someone who didn't approach finance in a similar way to myself so wouldn't be with them in the first place. Money is one of the top reasons people have serious problems in relationships.

I earn more than dh, the gap is narrower now than it was when we first got together. All money goes into one pot, all family expenses and bills come out of that plus set amounts for savings for us and for DS , we then get whatever is left split in half as our personal spends.

I don't think he works less hard than I do because I earn more, tbh I used to do his job or very similar and it was incredibly difficult.

We have a child, we're married so we share finances, we also share household chores and responsibilities. In this situation, a healthy adult relationship of course no one should be financially worse off, but that's not the situation you're in so no way would I share finances with him. What I don't understand though is that you're not willing to share finances (understandably given his behaviour) but you were willing to have a baby with him?!

No to joint bank No to marriage.

He sounds like a loser. Dump him and raise your standards!

Massively off topic: How old is your son? I’m sorry OP but no way would a partner be sharing a room alone with my child when he/she is not the child’s parent.

It's going to be very hard to make a secure financial future for yourself whilst tied to this boat anchor of a man, combining accounts is only going to make that more difficult.

I find everything you say about this man very worrying. He is gaslighting you. Even giving him the benefit of the doubt in other respects, you are obviously not financially compatible. It would be madness to have joint finances or get married.

He says that the £500 he pays is paying for my child because my child lives here, eats the food here, takes baths etc. so he considers he is contributing to my sons upkeep hence why he thinks the maintenance should go into a joint account as well

Yup! Don’t marry him! It will end in financial disaster, and that’s nothing to do with you being the higher earner. He will not change.

He holds and cuddles the baby while you do childcare or housework. That's it? He does no other care for his own child?

He complains about having to sleep in a room with a sleeping child. Do you complain about your sleep being broken by night feeding or the tiredness that comes with breastfeeding? I thought not.

The more you say the worse it sounds.

This is minimal. Kind of what a friend would do. But then you say sharing with your son is really putting him out? What does this mean. It sounds quite controlling?

Op You are posting on here so you know the answer really. I would go much further having read what he has said to you, and would not want to be with him at all let alone marry him. He wants to steal from you and your child and you know it. How dare he call you names like that. Greedy my arse.
Too many red flags here OP Not a nice man

Yes, agree. My sister and her DH did what @pickledandpuzzled suggests for a long time pre and post marriage and before they had children and when her DH was earning a lot more than her. And it worked well. But that's because they both understood what was a joint expense and what wasn't and they were both happy with that.

This man, on the other hand, seems to think that he shouldn't have to pay his share of the bills. FFS, what sort of a man is such a penny pincher that he's quibbling over who uses more hot water?! Particularly when he's paying just £500 for all bills. I'd be asking him whether he thinks he can live anywhere else and pay just £500 for bills while also NOT having to do any cooking, cleaning or childcare. What a wanker.

exBIL was on minimum wage, also paying bare minimum to SIL. And then it came out that he had MORE discretionary spending money than she did because he basically only had to pay for his phone and his car from "his" money while she was paying for everything else.

Don’t do it - and make him pay 50 per cent of bills, not 30!

are you married?

When you've booted his arse out the door he will find out that a house, food and bills for £500 a month is hard to find.

@RP1176 what a total effing bastard you've got there OP. a grade 1 cocklodger. do NOT marry him because then he is entitled to 50% of everything including your house. and really you should be asking yourself why you are considering marrying a man you don't trust enough to open a joint account with?

at this point the joint account is the least if your problems. throw this idiot out, claim child maintainance and be happy living your own life.

Are both children by him?

As others have said he is a greedy, lazy, cocklodger who is a drain in every way.

He has a bargain of an easy life for only 500 per month.