Summer born deferred. Now refusing to stay at school.

[Aspiringhermit]

I am posting on behalf of a friend. Her son was born in August so she and her husband decided to defer him starting school. They were able to do this because his due date had been in September and their LEA was understanding. The son attends a private school who were willing to take him out of normal school cohort. All going pretty well until now. The son is now 17,in Year 12 doing first year of A levels and absolutely hates it. He's determined to leave school as soon as possible. He's accepted that his parents have paid fees for the coming term so has very reluctantly agreed to go back next week, but want them to write to school to say he is definitely leaving at the end of this academic year. He says that as he will be 18 before the start of the next academic year, the school and his parents can't force him to go back. Unofficial discussion with his form tutor has revealed that the school would not legally be able to consider his parents wishes. He will be an adult and cannot be forced to continue to year 13. Can anyone advise what they can do to win the son round. One reads so many threads of parents deferring summer borns, but not sure how many have had to deal with this end of the school experience.

I’d ask him his plans, explain that I wasn’t willing to provide more than basic accommodation for him if he isn’t studying, so what is he proposing? I’d help him look for a vocational course or job. He may choose to study later, he may not, but he’s obviously crying out for autonomy and I would think forcing or bribing him would be counterproductive.

Encourage the son to come with an alternative... different college course, apprenticeship etc.

I would explain to my son that if he wants to leave education, then he has to take on all the responsibilities of adulthood. That means paying all of his own bills, including full rent, food, phone, etc. I would allow him to live at home if he gets a full-time job, but 30% of his wages would go towards rent. He would pay all his remaining expenses himself.

if he doesn’t want to go to school or get a full-time job and pay rent, he can take the other adult path and move out.

a parent’s responsibility is to
provide an education. A child’s responsibility is to make good use of that education. If the child reaches adulthood and wants to throw that away, they need to accept the full consequences of their choice. Hopefully, the reality of that choice will
guide them to the right decision.

They could help him work out what he wants to do instead. A-levels are not for everybody so there is not much point trying to convince him to keep doing something that makes him so unhappy. He's not likely to get good results in something he hates anyway.
Maybe he just needs some time out to work, earn money and figure out what he wants to do. He can always do an access course if he decides he wants to go to uni in the future. Or do different subjects or courses later once he finds something that he enjoys and is motivated to do.

The problem for the parents is that their son knows all about a trust fund that will come to him when he hits 18. He says he wants to do some travel then consider a military career. His parents are not in military but uncles/cousins are and he would love that lifestyle. He is also sporty and there have been frictions over that because on one occasion he could not play with his class mates due to age rules (he was in a squad due to visit another school and someone he knew from that school tipped off the PE staff that the boy was overage. His school could not deny it and he got dropped from the team). His parents do accept that they concentrated on the 'making sure he was ready for school' at age 5 and didn't even think about how he would feel now. It's such a mess. His best mate is only a month older than him, in correct school year and making his plans for gap year and uni and as he sees it, his parents have tried to game the system but he isn't feeling he's benefitted at all.

You can lead a horse to water…

Let him decide what he wants to do, it’s his life, his future. As long as he’s not sitting on his backside doing nothing he will be fine.

He says he wants to do some travel then consider a military career. His parents are not in military but uncles/cousins are and he would love that lifestyle.

Then his parents need to reach out to his uncles and cousins about his plans, and ask a couple of them to talk to him about what a difference having A levels will have to his entry for a military career.

Do the military take people who didn't finish high school or take on equivalent education? Has he researched that?

And is this trust fund enough money to live on for the rest of his life? Because if not...

To be honest I think the point about starting school a year "late" isn't the point here. Even if he was in the correct year he could still be insisting on leaving half way through year 13 which would be just as problematic.

Plenty of countries allow parents discretion about when to start their children at school - the U.K. is unusual with its rigid rule about the Sept after you turn 4 - and it's not like this is happening all the time in those countries with the kids who are slightly older in the year.

I really don't think your friends should be beating themselves up about a decision they made for lots of sensible reasons 14 years ago. After all, in a parallel universe they could have the kid who was so young that his confidence was knocked, he didn't make friends, he struggled academically, etc

If he wants a military career encourage him to see a careers advisor... who will inform him having more qualifications i.e. a levels or equivalent will open up more career options. With just GCSEs he will be limiting his options greatly.
Perhaps the family members already in the military could also demonstrate this for him.

One reads so many threads of parents deferring summer borns, but not sure how many have had to deal with this end of the school experience. He would have been able to do exactly the same one term later, wouldn't he, if he'd done normal entry?
The deferred entry is a red herring.

I know someone who sat his exams but deliberately failed them.

If he's legally entitled to decide, they have to accept that.

The trust fund is probably part of the issue.

Continuing in education post 16 isn't for everyone. He could get a job or try for an apprenticeship. Travelling and military may well suit him - or not! But the thing is he is nearly and adult and there is only so much you can do, it's his life. I wouldn't let him just drop out and do nothing but it sounds like he has a plan. Or perhaps he would prefer more practical studies that are not A-Levels. This government seems to be shoehorning everyone into GCSEs and A-Levels but there should be a lot more alternatives from age 14 IMO.

Very true. I think it is all very raw at the moment because he can see his best mate making his plans. At the moment the best friend is definitely planning to travel and I greatly suspect that if his parents allow him to leave school in July that he'd agree to do travel with his mate next academic year, and then possibly return to further education after that. Let's hope so.

I can fully understand the son POV and it really is something that parents should take on board when deciding to defer . Same happened to a friends child .
Think parents should allow son to make his own decisions.

He has funding until 19 for level 3 courses so I would encourage him to look for alternatives at the local college. My youngest is academically bright, but was well and truly done with school by 16. Our local college doesn’t offer A levels but he went and found himself a level 3 course equivalent in UCAS points to 3 A levels and did very well. He would have been miserable at school

we gave our son three options, education, work or volunteering.
staying in bed/gaming all day was not on offer

OP is he aware that if he joins the military he will be doing training and further study?

I don't see the issue at all. If he was leaving A Levels to do an apprenticeship nobody would bat an eye, A Levels aren't the be all and end all. A career in the military can be very rewarding and open doors to travel, qualifications and opportunities that might be out of reach otherwise.

Not being allowed to play sport matches with his class mates was a direct result of the deferral. His parents have even privately admitted that he could have gone into correct cohort when he moved to secondary school but they decided not to do so. Son may not be aware that discussion took place.

As @SummerInSun says: in a parallel universe they could have the kid who was so young that his confidence was knocked, he didn't make friends, he struggled academically, etc

We never know what would have happened. No route is perfect and not should it be. Loving parents, relatives in his desired sector, and a trust fund? He’ll be alright.

I don't think the objection is to learning or training. It is to being at an all boys private school with a very narrow outlook on life and knowing that throughout year 13 there he will be treated as a child even though he will legally be an adult. If he enters the military he would be learning a skill and earning money and as I said in OP he'd be very happy.

And this is the exact reason why I can't understand anyone deferring a year.

They are a different age to their peers and in theory could have left to do something else before GCSEs

It's certainly something not all parents will have thought about, or the potential impact on sport.

I agree he needs to get some careers advice. He can then have a realistic idea of the impact dropping out will have on his career.

It is to being at an all boys private school with a very narrow outlook on life and knowing that throughout year 13 there he will be treated as a child even though he will legally be an adult.

It sounds like his parents never really engaged with him about his education from 13 onwards.

If they knew he was interested in a military career then due to their access to resources including family members, they should have helped him research it.

. It's such a mess. His best mate is only a month older than him, in correct school year and making his plans for gap year and uni and as he sees it, his parents have tried to game the system but he isn't feeling he's benefitted at all.

DD1 was just 4 by days when she started - I think it made her entire schooling slightly harder for her and there evidence to suggest even at 16 summer born students generally in comparison to other cohorts get slightly lower grades and often do less well in sports as get put off early.

So it a swings and roundabout situation TBH - pro and cons.

He could easily have ended up not wanting to do A-levels post 16 with out the year delay and frankly while it might have been easier to insist - practically just as hard to get them to attend and work.

Best advice may well be to talk to family members about how having A-levels might improve entry to military career options and check other post 16 qualifications which may be a better fit.

Also my 18 and 16 respectively have older and younger friends who have gone in many different directions at different times - so all the focus on summer born delay be route cause of issue seems like a distraction/excuse to me. Also mine were done with school and found college better fit - and eldest said it was better preparation for university than friends who stopped at school in her view.