Summer born deferred. Now refusing to stay at school.

[Aspiringhermit]

I am posting on behalf of a friend. Her son was born in August so she and her husband decided to defer him starting school. They were able to do this because his due date had been in September and their LEA was understanding. The son attends a private school who were willing to take him out of normal school cohort. All going pretty well until now. The son is now 17,in Year 12 doing first year of A levels and absolutely hates it. He's determined to leave school as soon as possible. He's accepted that his parents have paid fees for the coming term so has very reluctantly agreed to go back next week, but want them to write to school to say he is definitely leaving at the end of this academic year. He says that as he will be 18 before the start of the next academic year, the school and his parents can't force him to go back. Unofficial discussion with his form tutor has revealed that the school would not legally be able to consider his parents wishes. He will be an adult and cannot be forced to continue to year 13. Can anyone advise what they can do to win the son round. One reads so many threads of parents deferring summer borns, but not sure how many have had to deal with this end of the school experience.

I can't see what all the fuss is about! He has ideas about what he wants to do so why can't his parents just support him with that. If he wants to join the military then why shouldn't he?

This - he needs a mentor and to look at A level and degree level entry and what difference that might make. Joining the military for some is brilliant, my friend joined with a degree and works in HR and although she had to complete basic training - is mainly office based but goes all over the world and gets help with buying a house etc and loves the life style and then find all her sport.

I clearly state in the OP that the boy is question is currently 17 and studying Year 12. At the moment his parents have the contract with the school. When he turns 18 in August he does not intend to return. He doesn't want his parents to waste money paying fees for Autumn term 2024 so wants his parents to give notice before Easter.

Because at the time of the application process he was only 16 his parents refused to let him leave his private school and he couldn't do much about it. This is the biggest mistake that the parents made not the deferral. (making the trust fund available at 18 instead of 21 was also a mistake)

Their options are
Allow son to travel until next September and start year 12 again at a state college. Is the son unhappy about the institution or the actual course? You get 3 years of funding for A-levels so he can start from scratch. Starting at a new school means nobody knows he’s repeating if that bothers him.

Otherwise let him leave and get a minimum wage job. Charge him rent and a share of bills. Hopefully this will help him realise that he’d like to repeat year 12 or working and learning some real life stuff is a good idea.

The parents need to broaden their mind about what their son’s future looks like. Talk to the family who know about the military so that son can have the best information available about career paths. My guess is that A-levels will help but the parents are going to have to accept that the private school designed for passing exams won’t work for their son.

How much is available for travel? Maybe doing it at age 17 and having him repay the money when he’s 18 is the way forward? Hot house schools are stifling and it sounds like travel could be good for him.

I think the deferred entry thing is neither here nor there in this case (apart from the fact it may have contributed to him not enjoying school much, possibly). He could leave during A-levels even if he was in the correct school year for his age, and the school could not compel him to stay if his parents couldn't.

If he is set on the military he should probably go for it. Somebody upthread mentioned seeking advice on whether having A-levels would help him in the military - that sounds like a good thing to find out.

Do you happen to know what his predictions are for his A-levels currently? It's relevant whether his school feels he was likely to do well or not. I often think that it's worthwhile if you are going to get decent grades OR if you have a real interest in the subjects, but not much point if neither of these are the case.

The parents won't let him travel now because they have paid this coming terms fees and may be too late to give notice to leave at Easter.

So the real problem is that the parents had a Plan for him, but it turns out he's an independent person with his own mind who isn't doing exactly as mummy and daddy told him to?
Your 'friend' needs to cut the apron strings.

Just to clarify - Officer entry only requires A levels for most professions, the exceptions are the technical ones like engineering. Having a degree of some form can help make your application more competitive, but part of that is the additional life experience and maturity you get with the extra years anyway.
Without A levels (or some form of equivalent) he’s restricting himself to joining at junior level. That may be what he actually wants, we don’t know, but it’s always good to have the option. Even then if he has the potential to become an officer there are ways to do that from within the ranks in a few years’ time without A levels…

They really are well intentioned people but, sadly I think you have summed it up all too well.

When he turns 18 in August he does not intend to return. He doesn't want his parents to waste money paying fees for Autumn term 2024 so wants his parents to give notice before Easter.

You have missed my point, and so have his parents. He needs to tell the school his decision. He can't stop his parents handing over the money pointlessly but maybe the school will refuse to accept it if he commits to not coming back. So that is his first adult step.

Unless his parents believe that committing all that money will be sufficient to convince him to stay on, on which case all they need to do is pay up.

The military require discipline and maturity. He wouldn't last 5 minutes with his spoilt attitude.

The family members in the military are a mix of officer entry and those who joined in the ranks. I think that he would be willing to take advice on what he should or should not do. At the moment I think he just isn't happy at school doing a not brilliant set of A levels (relatively small school so not a wide choice of A level options). I suspect that a period travelling would get a lot of angst out of his system and he would then be prepared to bottle down to making something happen. Thank you for the advice.

Why is it spoilt want to follow his own path? Just because it is not the one chosen by his parents? If he was really spoilt he wouldn't have told his parents he wants to leave and let them waste at least a terms school fees.

It’s a waste of everyone’s time if the son has no motivation. Is he likely to study when it sounds like there is no chance that he’ll change his mind?

Im going to assume that he doesn’t have a part time job. If I was the parents then I’d encourage he work so he can have a taste of adult life and either save his money for travelling or learn that life on minimum wage sucks.

The parents need to accept that he knows what he likes and doesn’t like and he doesn’t want the future that they want for him. Once they realise this, they can work with their son to come up with a better plan for him. The key thing is that they need to listen to him and let him guide the way. He clearly wants to be treated like an adult rather than the child that his school treats him. By giving the son control, they are building the foundation of getting on with him as an adult. Forcing their narrow, rigid ideas is a recipe for him to end up a stately homer who minimises contact with his parents. I speak as someone whose kids have also thrown some curve balls and letting them go down the route that they want has proved right for them. It might be harder than the original route but they worked hard and feel motivated which is priceless.

@Aspiringhermit he needs to really think about which Service he wants, and what role and entry route. The security clearance requirements for some roles (eg Intelligence) would need to be taken into account if he plans to go travelling! He probably isn’t thinking about going to China or Russia anyway, but there are some other less obvious places he might want to avoid and an AFCO should be able to help him there.

I’m confused here. The option to defer summer borns wasn’t in place that far back, you had to option to hold back until compulsory school age but they wouldn’t start in the lower year group.

All students turn 18 in year 13 so it’s a risk for all students. The requirement is that they stay in education until they turn 18 which happens in year 13. Upshot theres not much they can do about it. Beyond things like kick them out if they don’t pay rent etc.

This is one reason why trust funds at 18 is so stupid.

Dd has all sorts of issues but we told her it's uni or a job .. there is no nothing

I wouldn't entertain him just stopping schooling

He can get an apprenticeship or job or whatever but no nothing .

All teens are lazy by definition so would give up everything given half the chance ..

What does him deferring the first school year have to do with it though, because he hasn't done his full quota of schooling?

@AnneValentine the teenager is at Private school. There's always been flexibility there

From the perspective of someone who delayed my DC entry to school (born 4 months early, at the end of August) I have no doubt that it was the right thing for my child, and not arrogance as a PP said.

The parents did what they thought was best, there's no way of know what would have happened if they'd not delayed. But the problem is that they don't seem to have listened to his wishes post-GCSE, which is where this loophole is biting them. Are they regretting delaying so they don't have control over him?

Fwiw if you've delayed school entry you can write to sporting bodies to ask to be allowed to play sports with your adopted cohort, so it shouldn't have been a problem.

I perhaps wasn't clear in OP. Son has attended private school throughout, the school was flexible and allowed him to be out of school year.

Unfortunate about the sporting issue for him as that’s no longer an issue now. Sporting bodies will accept children out of cohort now as it’s become so common.

but I know the son wanted to transfer to a state sixth form college because he thought he'd be able to tolerate the atmosphere there better. Because at the time of the application process he was only 16 his parents refused to let him leave his private school and he couldn't do much about it.

My DP insisted I stop on at school sixth form - I was miserable but stuck it out as for me it was quickest way to get independent - not having trust funds to fall back on. Did help me stand up to them about university - I went where I wanted to go not where they preferred.

Post 16 - well even before choosing this GCSE we've offered guidance to kids but they need to do the work and turn up every day so never dictated.

Maybe the clear break from parental wants is best way forward for this boy - it's still possible to do A-level later or other qualifications. I do wonder what home restrictions he's under as well - mine were very strict and isolating.

It's hard to say if it's an immature decision where boy needs bigger perspective or wider experience like in world of work or if it best to get away from very controlling parents. Either way I think it's less deferment at 5 and more fixed views of way forward and not listening to post GCSE child.

The 18 thing isn’t an issue because of that though.

Ah. I got sidetracked as it’s irrelevant whether he’s summer born.

My son is in year 13 and the deferring summer borns came in a year or two after he started school. He’s a late August born so I would have deferred too as he wasn’t school ready at 4 and would have benefitted with an extra year at nursery.
Long term things worked out fine. He is very popular socially and got the qualifications but the first few years of school were difficult for him.