Summer born deferred. Now refusing to stay at school.

[Aspiringhermit]

I am posting on behalf of a friend. Her son was born in August so she and her husband decided to defer him starting school. They were able to do this because his due date had been in September and their LEA was understanding. The son attends a private school who were willing to take him out of normal school cohort. All going pretty well until now. The son is now 17,in Year 12 doing first year of A levels and absolutely hates it. He's determined to leave school as soon as possible. He's accepted that his parents have paid fees for the coming term so has very reluctantly agreed to go back next week, but want them to write to school to say he is definitely leaving at the end of this academic year. He says that as he will be 18 before the start of the next academic year, the school and his parents can't force him to go back. Unofficial discussion with his form tutor has revealed that the school would not legally be able to consider his parents wishes. He will be an adult and cannot be forced to continue to year 13. Can anyone advise what they can do to win the son round. One reads so many threads of parents deferring summer borns, but not sure how many have had to deal with this end of the school experience.

Ok then. But seriously the decision to make a large sum of money available to a teenager is a much worse one and far more likely to contribute to lack of ambition than by holding them back a year at school.

I have a summer born and didn’t defer as my LEA would have put him straight in to year 1 which seemed like the worst of both worlds. I have been told time and again that the gap will close but unfortunately it hasn’t (last year in primary) and I often wish we had been allowed to defer. I’m glad @Aspiringhermit has pointed out some potential disadvantages, though obviously not glad that this child is experiencing them!

re: the sports- I don’t know what school rules are but with football, the FA doesn’t allow overlaps. It IS based on school cohort ie as OP says. Sadly the evidence shows an over representation of old for year children participating and succeeding in sport :-(

I don't understand why you are posting about a summer baby (in terms of education) when he is now 18!

The fact he is August born but is now almost an adult is pointless. I assumed it was going to be about how he was 'behind' due to being young for his year group.

What is your interest in it? Are you going to relay ideas here to his parents?

'Posting for a friend' 🙄

From what you say, he's had a very privileged life so far.
I'm not his parents (and neither are you) but I'd be withholding the trust fund till he was 25. Many 18 year olds are very immature and he may well just fritter it away.

I have never said all summer borns do badly at school or that all autumn borns do well.

Statistically across the whole cohort this is some evidence that even at 16 summer borns do less well. Obviously with than individuals may well do opposite - plus there some suggestion that getting all to start in autumn term may see that diminish from data.

So some random poster being Summer born and doing well is frankly to be expected.

Personally I'd have like to defer my DC mainly because odds were they'd inherited some SEN - dyslexia and dyspraxia most likely - so hope extra year would make them more able to cope. It wasn't an option so we didn't do that.

My kids despite being summer born and going though ASD/ADHD assessment currently - have still done very well as school despite being summer born. I do wonder though if early years could have been easier with deferment and perhaps less extensive home support would have been needed but it's certainly possible it would have made no difference and it's impossible to really know.

This isn’t about the fact his parents deferred him for a year

it’s symptomatic of something much bigger /more problematic

Well yes, his parents sound like a fucking nightmare. They are still treating him like he is in Reception.

FFS I let my six year old choose where he goes for holiday club, there’s no way I’d ever try to dictate where he went for sixth form.

I agree. I wish we’d done something different from junior ISAs and am considering hiding the letters when the DC reach 18. Not a great strategy I appreciate.

@Aspiringhermit You are too invested to be just a friend of this family.

Are you a Gran? Or some other relative.

Your 'friend' stance doesn't ring true.

He does sound quite immature. He should see the benefit of A levels, but if he's not academic, the parents may as well save their money.

There are many students in independent schools who fall outside of the age-cohort. Some are 19 in Year 13. They don't create a fuss though and want to be there and gain qualifications.

It seems quite late in the day for his parents to suddenly realise he's not aiming for university or for the pastoral staff at the school to have spent time discussing this with him. That's one of the things you pay for with an independent school- pastoral care.

The trust fund money is legally his. It would be illegal to withhold it. I see above reference to some parents hiding letters about Trusts which are written to their children who are now 18. I'd really wonder how future relationships are going to pan out when kids realise their parents have stolen their post. Do the parents not realise that all the young people will be talking about their trust funds. It will only take one mate to say 'I got my letter last week'.

I cannot see why his perception of being a year ahead is such a ruckus. His parents, with all good intentions, made the best choice for him when he was around 5. He needs to get over it. If he is immature enough to throw away his schooling with one year left, he is too immature to be out on his own. However, I understand they cannot legally stop him so I guess they let him collect his inheritance and travel until the money runs out. I'll bet you anything that the fared who is making the fabulous plans for the gap year will not end up doing anything that great and they'll both end up staying close to home

What is your relationship to this family?

It would be very helpful if you were upfront about it.

You are not 'just' a friend, I'm sure.

If you are a friend, are they asking for you to sort their son out?

What do you intend to do with all the 'advice' here?

I don’t think you’re telling the truth either.

in all my children’s three schools there are out of year kids. If they’re particularly sporty they just play in the team above. Your parents or you could have just asked them to swap you.

I’m sorry you feel agrieved, but don’t waste this opportunity. Have a gap after A levels.

It’s silly to set it up to vest at 18 though. There’s a reason why so many trusts don’t make the funds available until 21, 25 or even 30. A teenager who hates school is not going to spend the money wisely are they? I don’t know how much money we are talking but even a six figure sum can easily be frittered away over a few years. Then when he’s 30 and trying to get on the property ladder, he might regret it.

Also they would no doubt have the exact same issues if they hadn’t deferred him. While they might have pushed him through his a levels, he would probably have underperformed or refused to apply for uni or dropped out of uni. Same issues, just at a later stage. At the end of the day, you can’t stop people from making shit decisions or you can only stop them for that long.

Tbh the summer deferral is not relevant anyway. No one can force any 17 year old to do a levels. If he just stopped going to school there would be nothing they or the school could do regardless of whether he was deferred when he was 5 or not. They need to start listening to what he wants to do with his life. They may not approve or agree with his choices but ultimately they are his choices.

My children came home from school and asked me about the trust fund because people at school had been discussing it. They will be able to claim their money and find out the provider without parental input once they reach their 18th birthday so hiding post is pointless.

Do you mean Child Trust Funds, ie the government ones? It seems unlikely that otherwise all the 18 year olds will be receiving letters!

Oh, sorry, I thought you meant an actual trust fund rather than the government one. How much would be in one of those anyway?

How much is in the Trust Fund? Does he have to work at all?

My son got 10k from his CTF he has it in a cash isa now all under his control. Started a medical degree in September 2023 as he turned 18 in August 2023 (was born 2 months early too but we didn’t defer even though we could have). I let him choose his secondary school and sixth form college (even though there was a better secondary school closer and with a better ofsted he preferred to stay with his friends so we let him go to the secondary school he wanted to go to). I did try and talk him out of medicine but he was determined so I got on board and helped him achieve his goal which thankfully he did.

Your friends need to let their nearly adult son make some of his own decisions. It is his life after all.

Just shown thread to my friend the boys mum. She is grateful for advice. I got the trust fund bit confused. He's got a Govt one plus he gets to control some money left to him by a relative. The money was allowed to him at 18 because the person who left it thought he would be going to Uni next September after finishing school at 18. The deceased did not realise that he would not finish school for an extra year!

He is obv not happy in 6th form ! He wants something like the forces ,plus has money waiting for him.Really whatever he chooses wont make much difference to his life .He wont be on the dole.I think he should be allowed to choose his path and his parents cant keep pushing him in one direction that they want.

I provide consultancy on school choice and massively encourage the correct year group - no deferral. It is not a helpful thing to do and EVERY parent I speak to who wants it does it because they want BETTER GRADES. Your friends have made a mistake that has had a severe effect on their son and paying for his education and funnelling cash into a trust fund has compounded the problem. This young man lacks life skills but feels an urge to head into the world because he is of age now, not at the time his parents randomly chose.

Really?

I'm sorry but it's rather odd to show your 'friend' the thread.

For one thing, there are some uncomplimentary views on this boy's parents.
They would, presumably, be hurt by some of the comments.

Why did your 'friend' not post themselves?

And for you to mix up the trust fund is quite fundamental.

A Govt Trust fund is very different to Toby's mama and papa showering him with a six-figure sum at 18. He's got the Gov money and a small inheritance from a relative whose crystal ball didn't tell them the boy would want to leave school early.

Sorry but a lot of this doesn't wash.

If you really knew the family you'd know the details of the money.

@User1775 Read the latest update. It's a Gov Trust Fund and a small inheritance from a relative. So the OP says now.

But he can’t play up as there is no year above when he’s in the upper 6th. Honestly the sport team thing is a real issue. I don’t understand why posters here think it’s not. It is highly likely that he would not be allowed to represent his school in inter school tournaments because the school would need to verify player ages and for club sports he’d need to play in a men’s team ( or U21 if it exists- often doesn’t). If he’s already pissed off with school and only likes it for sport I can see why it would be a factor in him wanting to bin it off- not entirely rational or proportional but he’s 18 and these things matter when you’re that age.