Summer born deferred. Now refusing to stay at school.

[Aspiringhermit]

I am posting on behalf of a friend. Her son was born in August so she and her husband decided to defer him starting school. They were able to do this because his due date had been in September and their LEA was understanding. The son attends a private school who were willing to take him out of normal school cohort. All going pretty well until now. The son is now 17,in Year 12 doing first year of A levels and absolutely hates it. He's determined to leave school as soon as possible. He's accepted that his parents have paid fees for the coming term so has very reluctantly agreed to go back next week, but want them to write to school to say he is definitely leaving at the end of this academic year. He says that as he will be 18 before the start of the next academic year, the school and his parents can't force him to go back. Unofficial discussion with his form tutor has revealed that the school would not legally be able to consider his parents wishes. He will be an adult and cannot be forced to continue to year 13. Can anyone advise what they can do to win the son round. One reads so many threads of parents deferring summer borns, but not sure how many have had to deal with this end of the school experience.

For all those saying that some Year 13s have their 18th birthday in the first week of term, I do get the point. I am an October birthday so one of the oldest in my year but I think the difference is that I just accepted that the rule was 'school year runs 1 Sept to 31 Aug'. This lad knows that he could have been in the year above but his parents decided not to let him. His best mate from nursery who was born a month earlier went to school but he was held back another year. Annoyingly for the parents, despite being at different schools the two boys, living only a short walk apart have stayed friends.

With a trust fund and considering the military I'd just let him have his way tbh. He wants to travel, not sit at home doing nothing. There are ways into uni later on if he wants them.

They should tell him to write to/speak to the school himself though. He wants to be an adult, he adults.

Game the system?! Really? Oh do give over. The behavioural issues are nothing to do with being deferred.

And the sports team point is a blatant lie. If he's August born, how could he possibly be overage for a sports team during the school year - surely a September-born child would have the same issue?!

You sound like you have a bee in your bonnet or a chip on your shoulder about some parents deferring their children - did you not defer your summer-born?

He'd benefit from a chat with a careers officer from Army/Navy/RAF to get some informed advice to get a good steer as to his options and best use of his time.

Family members can obviously outline their experience but much better to combine that with up to date information.

It won't be the end of the world if he leaves even if he ends up choosing to study again at a later stage. Sometimes people need to go the long way around.

Sounds like you have a real problem with deferral - why do you think that might be? Statistically, we know that deferring summer borns is overwhelmingly likely to be beneficial and on their best interests, why do you think parents shouldn't put their child's best interests first?

Why are you focusing so much on what happened when he started school aged 5? He is a matter of weeks older than those born in September so I don’t believe all the stuff about PE etc as that would also then apply to kids with an early September birthday which I’m pretty sure it doesn’t. Your whole post sounds like a propaganda post against school deferrals (which are pretty common these days).

Because the age cut off for sports teams ( including most club teams) is consistent with the school year. If he’s 18 before 31 August 2024 he won’t be eligible to play in U18 teams while in the upper 6th in 2024-25. Boys born 1 September will. It’s particularly strict for rugby but does apply for other sports.

The parents may not have been in this situation if they’d considered his Sixth Form more. I’m sure that the school is excellent on paper but it’s clearly not the right fit for their son. He knows that he wants an institution that treats pupils like adults rather than a rigid narrow focused school that is good for some people. As the parents have money, they could have used it to apply to institutions that have other young men interested in the military. They have been blinded by their narrow focus and not paid attention to the crucial question of whether it’s right for their son.

Think it’s less the deferral and more the lack of good parenting up til now to be honest

No-one can force him anyway, what are they going to do, man handle him to school?

We deferred our son so he was 5 and a half when he started school at the time. I definitely wouldn't do it again.

I don't have a summer born child so you are mixing me up with someone else.

I've been in a school team in my life but I am told that for some sports children can play up a level if proficient enough, but there is an upper age limit in each team. The fact that other people have responded to say that those rules are now being relaxed confirms my belief that such rules have been in place in the past. Otherwise what would stop a school playing a 15 year old in the Under 14s. So I refute your accusation that I am lying about it.

He says he wants to do some travel then consider a military career

How will he afford to travel and where does he want to go? Is he going to get a job to fund this or will he dip into his trust fund and/or ask mummy and daddy to pay for this? He should start college afresh and enrol on different A level subjects or start an apprenticeship. My daughter is a summer baby and I don't think I'll be keeping her back a year. She might resent being in the year below when she is a teen!

Deferring a year is not the issue. He's becoming a young adult with his own views.
My daughters friends all dropped out in year 12 (2021 so Covid lockdowns etc) and all she could see is what they were earning at that moment. I took her out for pizza calmly and explained everything she'd expected to pay for on that wage. What that wage would like in ten years and what earning potential she had if she stayed and finished a levels. She could face the thought of another year so we mentally broke it down into blocks that were achievable. So 5 weeks to half term, 6 weeks to Xmas, her birthday then the final full term.
This helped and she stayed and passed and is now at university. Had she decided to leave and explore her own wants at that time I would've been understanding but disappointed as I knew she could achieve her a levels at the very least ( I never for a second considered uni for her) and she is thankful for how we approached it.

This lad knows that he could have been in the year above but his parents decided not to let him. His best mate from nursery who was born a month earlier went to school but he was held back another year

Oh diddums has this ruined his life? How tragic. I am guessing OP that you have a child who either narrowly missed being able to be deferred or you chose not to and now regret it and you’re trying (but failing miserably) to put others off doing it as you feel your DC would have done better academically had they started later.

Let people make their own choices. My nephew was deferred (born 30 august) and is an academic high flyer, tipped for oxbridge. Hopefully everyone will take note of this success story and decide to defer if they can!

This lad knows that he could have been in the year above but his parents decided not to let him. His best mate from nursery who was born a month earlier went to school but he was held back another year.

Does make you wonder why it's had such focus in his life.

If I could have done it for DD1 it would have just been done and rarely been mentioned again - not a secret but not an issue - and she had close friends weeks younger than her in nursery that she stayed close to in Primary despite them being a year below - at least till move to Wales.

My DP insisted I stayed on at sixth form for A-level was a wider control issue one siblings had as well - so wonder if there more going on.

There does seem to be a deferring is bad bias here and ignoring that not deferring can also cause issues.

But he’s not an adult until middle of the summer holidays. Until then the school is going to discuss matters with his parents. Unless the parents give notice the school will expect fees from them as per the contract they signed. So worst case they pay Autumn and he doesn’t turn up. They need to agree between themselves before start of summer term.

His parents can't stop him leaving school. He can leave if he wants to. Anyone can leave VI form. The school leaving age is 16. You g people are supposed to remain in some sort of education or training until they are 18. He will be 18. Can do as he pleases.

Why are you so involved? It's none of your business.

You are though. If it were true, those born in September wouldn’t be able to play either and others would need to drop out of teams as and when they turned the upper age.

Sounds like he has thought it through and has a plan.

If parents really regretted deferring why are they not supporting move to state school or some other form of study? Seems they have a plan in mind and are not willing to listen. If he had been a year younger they could have more reason to force him to be at the school of their choice but they couldn't make him engage.

Perhaps if he was a year ahead and one of the youngest he wouldn't have made the team anyway.

Parents need to stop worrying about the age he started primary. Go through the options available now and support their son to make best decision. If they force him then it will lead to guilt from them and resentment from son in a few years time.

If he doesn't have A-levels, his only military career will be with the thickoes, polishing the officers' boots.

Unless as someone says upthread it’s age on 31 August that determines teams.

You have a bee in your bonnet about deferral - not the OP

Please can someone who has a better understanding of children's sports upper ages please explain to this person who is convinced that I am lying about being over age. Is it that the person has to be Under 14 at a particular date?

My daughter is a summer baby and I don't think I'll be keeping her back a year. She might resent being in the year below when she is a teen!

DD1 couldn't get work as easily after GCSE as she wasn't 16 as her friends were till end of summer.

At 16 here you get national bus passes - couldn't apply for her tills he was 16 and it was peak time in end August/ started September as students need them for college travel. The delay was costly to us.

She couldn't celebrate with her college peers with a drink when they turned 18 and may not be around uni friends to celebrate either.

And she knew her A-level results and where she was going before she was 18 - and was soon off.

Nothing terrible but stuff she or us have bemoaned in teen years because she is late August.

No because there’s a range which is consistent with the school year

eg to play U18 in the 2024-25 school year you need to have your 18th birthday between 1 September 2024 and 31 august 2025.

it would be better described as “18 and under”- basically you cannot be 18 before the first day of that academic year.

For friendlies it would often be overlooked ( other than for rugby which is quite strict) but for official competitions it would be strictly applied.