Summer born deferred. Now refusing to stay at school.

[Aspiringhermit]

I am posting on behalf of a friend. Her son was born in August so she and her husband decided to defer him starting school. They were able to do this because his due date had been in September and their LEA was understanding. The son attends a private school who were willing to take him out of normal school cohort. All going pretty well until now. The son is now 17,in Year 12 doing first year of A levels and absolutely hates it. He's determined to leave school as soon as possible. He's accepted that his parents have paid fees for the coming term so has very reluctantly agreed to go back next week, but want them to write to school to say he is definitely leaving at the end of this academic year. He says that as he will be 18 before the start of the next academic year, the school and his parents can't force him to go back. Unofficial discussion with his form tutor has revealed that the school would not legally be able to consider his parents wishes. He will be an adult and cannot be forced to continue to year 13. Can anyone advise what they can do to win the son round. One reads so many threads of parents deferring summer borns, but not sure how many have had to deal with this end of the school experience.

It is to being at an all boys private school with a very narrow outlook on life and knowing that throughout year 13 there he will be treated as a child even though he will legally be an adult. If he enters the military he would be learning a skill and earning money and as I said in OP he'd be very happy.

Well, I can understand that. DD1 went to an all girls grammar sixth form (her choice and she did well) but I was (and she was sometimes) dismayed at how much they treated them pretty much the same as in year 7-11. I went to a sixth form college (only option where I grew up as the local authority got rid of school sixth forms - now I think they had a point) which was lovely and I did A-levels but I absolutely loved that all the tutors treated us like adults, we could call them by their first name, and it really got us ready for university, or whatever we were going to do next.

I'm not 100% sure but I think what has upset the parents most is that they have been very open about deferring their son. Always encouraging others in a similar situation to do the same. They are struggling to accept that their plan of son getting highest grades at A level and going to top Uni are now not happening. The fact that his best mate is only a month older has been a constant reminder for the last couple of years that he could have coped and done well in the correct age cohort but because they have 'flown the flag' for deferment they haven't been prepared to admit that it might, just might have been a mistake.

I don't think this is anything do with having deferred a year (assuming any of it is real, and not just fabricated by some anti-deferrment troll).

Some kids become difficult in their teens, some kids get bored of school and think they can do better, especially if they know there is money they can access.

Nasty post. Being privately educated and having parents who are capable of providing well for the future does not automatically make someone as spoiled brat.

I feel sorry for him. His parents fucked around with his life and now he has to pay the consequences which could last for many years yet.

I disagree with posters saying that the deferred year isn't the issue. I think it is. Of course A levels isn't for everyone. But he's seeing his best friend going off travelling, and he had to leave teams because of it. It's not surprising he doesn't want to be in school now he's technically an adult.

Well then they need to stop trying to name their adult child for their prefect child mould.

Hell be financially independent. They can kick him out on principle but I wouldn't. I'd just accept it and discuss long term plans. They'll bee telling him he's not allowed to sign up next

The thing is though there will be young adults in this cohort who are turning 18 the first week in y13 so that doesn’t really hold much weight.
Its up to him as long as he has a plan then there not point forcing him to complete y13

I wished I'd had option of deferring DD1 - was not there really for us.

Though I think DS who was just summer born - as opposed to DD1 days before arbitrary deadline - actually found it harder in school in early years both academically and socially.

Move to Wales never foreseen till mid primary made it worse they sit GCSE exams in Y10 - so weren't even 15 before they'd finished English Lit GCSE entirely.

So encourage your friends to support him, not push him away

They do AS-level here as part of A-level fair few of DD1 friends changed subjects - often having rethought degree direction - or retook a year to get better grades-so were out "their year" but manged perfectly well waving other friends off.

If he is serious about a military career then he really needs to get his a levels as I have a hunch he won't be fancying going in at the bottom.

I can't recommend the navy more highly by my dc has a university degree so went in as an officer

I've seen this happen before. The child left in y10 because they knew they were able to leave school legally. They did it because they wanted to get a job (which they did) but they had no qualifications. One of the things parents who defer never take into consideration.

How much is this trust fund? How far is he likely to get on it?

Another poster commented that he needs to get qualifications to go in as an officer. Going in other wise mightn't be what he expects. And nowhere near as glamorous trade wise.

They are struggling to accept that their plan of son getting highest grades at A level and going to top Uni are now not happening.

I've met the adult children of people like your friends.

I would advise them to help their son chose his career path in the military and stop trying to mould him to do what they want.

Otherwise when he's in his 20s/30s he will have no qualms talking about his estrangement from one or both his parents to people like me who are impressed with what they have done.

The fact that his best mate is only a month older has been a constant reminder for the last couple of years that he could have coped and done well in the correct age cohort

No one knows if he could have coped.

My education authority they didn't like deferment or people being put up a year for social reasons. So people moved on with their schooling with the right age cohort. However in secondary school and then college not everyone was the same age.

Exactly. There will be children turning 18 on 1 September, likely before the start of term. If he has a plan to join the military the A levels will help. If he wants to be treated as an adult he needs to make adult choices.

He may not want to go in as an officer.

Though if he has the qualifications he will have the choice.

It’s stupid af, and the only people I personally know have done it for arrogance reasons. They don’t want their child to be the youngest in their class and perhaps look slightly less academic in comparison to their older classmates. When in reality all keeping them back a year has done is mean they’re a year behind what they could have been. You’ve delayed them, not helped them. Nursery and reception aged children can be all over the place in different stages of their development, your child being born a few weeks or months before or after some of their classmates means nothing in children at that stage.

Adding another voice to all the PPs who’ve pointed out the advantages of having A Levels when applying for the military. His parents need to talk to him about what he wants and actually listen to the answers. It sounds like he resents being held up as some kind of poster child for a choice that he got no say in, and has found away to regain some autonomy. He may not be thinking clearly about the long-term impacts - although doing some travelling and getting a bit of independent life experience will also have some benefits when it comes to applying for the military, he should make a plan for getting A Level (or equivalent) qualifications if he is looking at Officer entry. He may find it harder to go back to studying and sit exams with an even younger cohort than to just crack on and get it done before going travelling.

He can get a degree for free through the military if he joins up without one, that needn’t be an issue at all.

My friends have tried to explain to their son that A levels will enhance his options, so just stick with it. but I know the son wanted to transfer to a state sixth form college because he thought he'd be able to tolerate the atmosphere there better. Because at the time of the application process he was only 16 his parents refused to let him leave his private school and he couldn't do much about it. It is a mess. He's a really nice boy, he just feels suffocated by his parents and the school and right now can see an escape in July this year and complete autonomy in August.

He's an adult. No good is going to come to force him to stay at school. Help him work out what he wants from life.

Sounds like a case of unintended consequences.

Without the benefit of a time machine, they are just going to have to accept that the wheels they set in motion all that time ago have created outcomes they hadn't foreseen.

I think unless they want to risk their relationship with him they need to respect his feelings and support his choices.
That doesn't mean letting go of all critical thinking and saying nothing.
If they have legitimate concerns based on potential risks they should alert him to those, but if they attempt to keep his hands off the steering wheel of his life they'll likely regret that too... He resents them already, so they can either pursue their charted course regardless, or accept fresh information and rethink.

The former would likely drive a massive wedge and blow up in their face as he would probably disengage anyway.
The latter will likely result in a son who is choosing his own path and all the benefits of making your own mistakes, or not, that brings. But at least they wouldn't be the enemy

Unofficial discussion with his form tutor has revealed that the school would not legally be able to consider his parents wishes.

Well in that case - surely it's up to their son to write to his school and say he's dropping out? If he's taking adult decisions then he can't expect his parents to do it for him. First rule of adult life - don't expect other people to carry through his own decisions.

And yes, before he makes the decision he does need to consider his future options calmly and objectively, and he probably needs some help to do that. His parents can reasonably talk to him about what he will do to enter the military if he leaves school unqualified, or help him find out. Even if it's just telling him to talk to his school careers service before he makes his own mind up.

It is to being at an all boys private school with a very narrow outlook on life and knowing that throughout year 13 there he will be treated as a child even though he will legally be an adult.

If he hates school can he go to sixth form college instead? A lot of young people prefer the (slightly) greater independence and the more adult trappings of a sixth form college.

their plan of son getting highest grades at A level and going to top Uni are now not happening.

Well that part has nothing to do with deferring. That has more to do with parents who can't let go of their own ambitions for their son that don't relate to his actual character or preferences any more. He's simply reached that age. He's growing up and it's not all about what his parents want any more.

Blaming it all on decisions they took years ago is pretty pointless. No-one gets a re-run of life to see how it would have turned out. They are where they are now, they need to look ahead and accept that their child is growing. And accept that the harder they push him one way, the more likely he'll go another.

They are being good parents in trying to tip the balance of odds in life chances on his favour.
But given his legitimate perspective and their continued refusal to acknowledge it, I think the tighter they grip the worse this will get.

Also, it's not the end of the world for a person to not have A levels. Look around there are many people who succeed in life without it. Let him travel, let him work. He might in the future want to continue with academic studies. There will be foundation courses he can join in further education colleges if he wants to go to university. But he might also decide that's not for him and find another path to succeed in life.

I was also about to suggest the possibility of doing Yr 13 at the college he wanted to go to as a middle ground. Could be a possible compromise, although he may not now be willing and just want total control.