Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 3

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. It continued to a second thread here: Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2 | Mumsnet I hope this thread can continue the good work of its predecessors. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here. The world is a better place with you in it, despite what you might have been conditioned to believe by those who brought you into it. x

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas I have thought about this a lot. When my mum dies how will I feel. I have cried so much and grieved for the mother I didn’t have and desperately wanted. I know what you mean by unfinished business, their brain isn’t like ours. I don’t think we would get what we want out of a conversation.

I feel like I have come to terms with it and she will never change, I get to bring my kids up with the mother I wanted, I get to be that mum.

i also feel very messed up that’s what I worry about all the time I’m not good enough / messing my kids up / they will hate me as adults.

@NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz ;@JohnPrescottsPyjamas NM seem to have a common "playbook" - rather like "The Script " that cheating husbands seem to use.

At my NM's funeral I had to listen to lots people tell me what an absolute "lady" and "gentlewoman" she was - sickening. My NM loved nothing better than visiting the doctor or better still having him out to the house and showing off her medical knowledge (culled form Reader's Digest). No one at school or at the GP's ever questioned how I'd got so ill so often/bruised etc. I was labelled a "sickly child."

My NM told people in front of me that I wasn't expected to "make old bones" and I believed her. I recall Blue Peter burying their memory capsule and thinking it would be dug up when I should be 32 and I likely wouldn't be alive to see it! I did get ill with bronchial issues a lot and wonder how much was stress induced (weakening my immune system).
The phrase "Street Angel, House Devil" was common when I was young and it describes my NM. (partner to the phrase for men that "he leaves his fiddle at the door").

@Boredatwork1234 i also feel very messed up that’s what I worry about all the time I’m not good enough / messing my kids up / they will hate me as adults. I worried about this too. Mine are all adults now - only 1 of the 4 is following a "normal" career/house/consumer path. Two are ASD. I think perhaps I was too empathetic about any struggles. They are lovely, kind human beings though, not consumerist at all or competitive, vegans- perhaps too "soft" for this cruel world.

I did horseriding lessons as a kid and young girl. When I was about 8 years old the horse I was riding suddenly reared up and bolted when a nearby car backfired and startled it. I was thrown off but my foot got caught in the stirrup and as the horse bolted off I was being dragged. My head was near the horses' hoofs and hitting the ground. I should have been killed or seriously injured but an expert horsewoman managed to catch up and grab my horse's reins as it ran, and stop it so I could fall off.
My mother had been watching and all she did was scream at me about how much I had embarrassed her and how ashamed of me she was.

I could easily have been killed if not for the rider who came to my aid. I was terribly shaken as it had been a terrifying experience, I thought I was going to die having my head smashed either by the horses' hooves or hitting the ground.

I still can't figure how you'd watch your child be involved in a frightening accident and just scream abuse at her. I've honestly never quite got over it.

@Turquioseblue that’s horrific, I’m so sorry. Thank goodness for the other woman being there to save you.

The ‘street angel, house devil’ thing I haven’t heard before, but definitely speaks to my experience too. DM had volunteering roles in positions of authority throughout my childhood (e.g. school governor, helping with children’s groups etc). I still find the contrast between her outward appearance / reputation and what she was like towards us at home really difficult to comprehend.

I think her friends have been told what an awful daughter I am.

The homework thing too - once we had Geography homework to write one A4 side of notes. That wasn’t good enough for her, I had to write eight, and as you can imagine, being about 11-12 years old, my classmates thought I was a weird little suck-up. She also took over an art project and made me make something she’d found online - I can’t remember the ins and outs of that so much, although I can still picture the project, but I remember being in tears at the kitchen table both times.

I just wonder to what end all of that was? Why did it matter to her what my art or geography homework looked like? Why couldn’t she let me be creative and learn for myself?

A control/image/self esteem thing, I suppose. It’s so insidious, all these small things (especially compared to what some of you have been through 💐), but they all add together to tear away at our sense of self.

I think teachers and classmates thought I was conscientious (a ‘boffin’), and I did enjoy learning and loved history etc, but mostly I kept my head down and produced work because I was scared of the repercussions at home if I wasn’t top of the class.

My sister remembers getting 90-something per cent on a Maths mock and being asked what happened to the rest. They can never be happy or proud of us, I don’t think, we’re always lacking.

I was convinced for years that I was a disappointment because I didn’t get in to Cambridge. It might still be the case for DM, but I remember asking my dad if he was still proud of me. 😔

Dear god some of this is really sickening. I just don't understand cruelty. I also don't understand how these excuses for mother's can treat strangers better than their own daughters.

In my experience when my DM died I only felt anger. I still only feel anger. I'm angry she was so vile, that I never got to have even a half decent mother, that how she treated me negatively impacted on all my relationships, that I always felt less than because of her, that I was expected me to give a shit, that I had to sort her belongings out and most of all that she wasted an additional 11 years that my DF should have had. But I think anger is better than grief.

@Turquioseblue
Wow that is absolutely horrendous. Thank goodness for the horse rider that saved you. The angels were there that day.

I think the narc doesn't see you as a person do they. You are a reflection of them. That's why the weird obsession with what people think of them, its all an image they put out there and because they are so focused on what people think of them, they see your behaviour as a reflection of themselves. So if you do badly at school, they arent concerned that you are struggling, but that people might judge them as a bad mother, similar with injuries, mine used to get angry if we injured ourselves, literally furious that she would have to take us to A&E and "what will people think" no actual concern about the injuries.

That's why they unravel when you start to get your own likes, tastes, opinions that differ from them. I honestly don't think they see you as a separate person with thoughts and feelings of your own.
Every disagreement, criticism or difference of opinion is taken personally. because in their mind its an attack on them personally. Your role is just to promote their image.

A very good observation - totally agree.

My NM was incredibly judgemental of and fixated on others, how they lived their lives, how they dressed, how they brought up their children, so I think she assumed others were doing the same about her. It was all about her credibility and how others perceived her so she felt she had to maintain this image of perfection and if I didn’t conform, I was letting her down. it was definitely a status thing as she looked down on those she considered inferior too.

@Quitelikeit

I'm not in contact with any of my family. My NM used to fight me off against the boys, I have 4 brothers and they were raised to dislike me, bully me, punch, kick spit at me, steal from me. It's sad because my youngest brother needs me, he's a bit lost but he is not 'allowed' as relationship with me.

So just me on my own now, and I've heard from my ex DH how she has no idea what is wrong with me, she says I've always had 'issues', and my behaviour by ignoring her is so hurtful, she said 'all I've ever done is lover her so much'

Nobody would ever believe me s a child, teen or even now. My parents were foster carers, so had alot of 'power'.

That's fantastic you had that light blub moment. I am so sorry about the loss of your brother 💐
I had a light bulb moment last year. They always insist on coming to my children's parties, but every single year I feel pure dread as my dad goes out of his way to insult people AND children. It is mortifying. He's stood near my daughter's best friend and loudly asked me 'why that girl has a big red blotchy ugly face'. He refuses to talk to me (my dad is the master of the silent treatment even though my mum is the narc. She won't help at parties but likes to stand at them with a glass of wine in her hand acting all nice.. My dad is her flying monkey. He won't talk to me forever if I've 'upset' my mum). Anyway, last year my dD decided one of the mum's at the parry was rough, so he proceeded to think it was funny to making a barking noise in ear shot. I saw it, my husband saw it, my eldest daughter saw it and my Mum saw it.

I have never understood what my dad gains from it. He enjoys insulting people and then saying they overreact if they are offended.

After barking gate, I said to my mum that they will never be welcome at another party again if Dad cannot behave himself. Mum obviously lost it at me, and literally denied it happened!!!!!! Then did the inevitable bit where she said how 'perfect' my MIL must be and all her nastiness over my MIL. Well, my MIL was not barking at women at a children's party ffs.
Mum often does this 'I don't remember it' to get out of things.

This year I refused them access to the party. They haven't spoken to me since. The party was SO much more relaxed without me having to monitor their behaviour.

Between my narc mum and my enabler dad with his sulks, silent treatment and spitefulness, I have no idea why I feel so sad about it all today. I guess I wish for the parents I could have had.
All the while of course, they think they're fab parents and that Mum is a victim. That's the head fuck . No accou tability whatsoever xx

I hear this from both of my friends mums

'Poor me - my dd doesn't talk to me , I don't know what I've done,'

And they I wonder do they actually believe that?

How can someone be so delusional and lack such self awareness?

It's so sad as things could have been so different.

Same last words from my NM. Why I told her to get out of my house and haven’t spoken to her since.
Last week, my DD said exactly the same and she wasn’t here when it happened so I guess NM has been talking to her. DD gaslights me just like NM. It’s me that is crazy.

@reesewithoutaspoon that is me to a tee. I am a people pleaser. Scared of doing anything wrong, I hate confrontation, I hate speaking to the big bosses at work, I was scared of speaking a foreign language that I’m fluent in.
I feel like I’m an imposter, a child pretending to be a grown up.
I’m working on it and becoming more confident but I’m not far off 50 now and this has probably held me back in my career.
I look back and realise she made me this way.

@NCparents im late 50's. It took a conscious effort to actually confront my inability to ask for what I wanted. it's such a visceral response. My stomach would be in absolute knots and my heart pounding. I would avoid confrontation as long as possible. It was and still is difficult. I have to force myself.
It's almost like a form of PTSD.
Her reaction if you dared to disagree or didn't do what she wanted, or asked for your needs to be met was totally out of proportion. As a child its scary to see a parent unable to control their emotions and then blame you for it, told that you caused it. that stays with you on an unconscious level I think.
I think I was shocked the first time I had to pull someone up in work over an error and they just said " oh ok, thanks, will make sure it doesn't happen again". That reaction was so alien to me.

@reesewithoutaspoon so similar to how I behave now. I too had to speak to someone about an error and I was shaking inside. It was me finding it harder to tell them.
With my NM I really felt as if nothing I did was good enough and it has stayed with me especially as she likes to remind me of things where I have failed in her eyes.
These threads are stirring up a lot in me and I keep remembering things and am just writing them down here. It’s therapeutic for me especially as I wait for what happens when I don’t wish her a happy birthday. See I’m still scared, but she can’t do anything to me.

Single parent, ex was a narcissist bully so I left, we never married but together 12 years, two boys.

'Say yes to the dress' was on the TV my mum said 'how do you feel knowing you'll never get married'.

I'm 45! 🙄😥

That makes sense I think - it explains the lack of concern for me (when I fell from the horse) and my mother's rage at being ' ashamed of me".

She was also furious if I did badly in a subject at school - I was a high achiever in most subjects but poor at maths - she never praised me for doing well at anything, but a poor maths mark would set her in a rage that lasted days.

So everything is really about them.

Did other people have their mother being jealous? She didn't like me having painting lessons, refused to allow me to have singing lessons which I desperately wanted (I loved singing), wouldn't attend my high school graduation where I got an achievement award. It was as if she only focused on what I did poorly and anything I did well was ignored. You would think if I did well at something that would reflect well on her - but it simply seemed to make her jealous.

I did speak to a psychologist about this once - he was a colleague I was working with - he said this behaviour by a parent puts a child in an impossible situation where they are "damned if they do and damned if they don't"- and he said it was once of the causes of schizophrenia.

I told my mum that I was 15 weeks pregnant and just found out there was no longer a heartbeat. Her first response was "I thought you didn't want anymore children?"

Oh my goodness, some truly horrific stories on here. I'm so sorry you had to live through it and proud of you all for surviving it.

Mine feels so much more minor compared to these stories.

My Mother used to hit me a lot, whenever I disappointed her (which was often). My father was once riled by her into attacking me and strangling me with his belt until she pulled him off me. Blaming me of course.

She ran the Saturday morning language school and the year she was my teacher was the year I started going there and back by bike to avoid being beaten up in the car for my behaviour on the way home. Fortunately she was a bit "out of sight out of mind" so I learned to be out of sight quite a bit.

I've recently moved back into the granny flat of her house after a disastrous break up which left me financially destitute. But the only reason I've done that is that she is so frail that she physically cannot enter that granny flat. I see her when I go into the main house only.

But I grew up a bit of a scrapper and will verbally argue with her a lot since I moved out in my 20s. She hates having her behaviour thrown back at her and I do it whenever she tries to have a go at me and she finally learned some self preservation. If she stays polite to me I will be polite back. If she criticises my parenting I give it back to her.

She once said "I know I made mistakes and I am trying to teach you so that you don't make the same mistakes." I replied "I had to live through your mistakes, trust me, I won't be making them. You have absolutely NO right to tell me how to be a good parent when you did such a miserable job of it yourself". She actually shed a tear at that, but stopped when she saw it had no visible effect on me.

Some days I think I'm crazy coming back here to live, but we are managing to reconnect and she is learning to no longer make personal criticisms. Maybe she's becoming a better person? I hope so. She has little access to my boys and her English is failing now with old age and I never taught them her native tongue. But when she does see them she is loving to them. She is with all of her grandchildren, though. I think it's the parental responsibility that drives her bad behaviour.

I think the worst thing of it is the loneliness. I don't really trust my siblings as some do their behaviour is similar to hers, particularly towards me, being the youngest apparently means I have to be taught and corrected even though I'm in my 50s, and they bitterly complain about her behaviour towards themselves. How can they not see when they copy it?!

F

Wow
You actually put in boundaries- well done you.
I often wonder why people put up with the behaviour without totally flipping out.
My mum is 40 years long dead
I loved her ti bits and no therapy has ever unraveled it......but something wasn't right.
And I'll never be able to ask her....
My dh says (and as he never met her, it's only on the bits and peace's , he's picked up on, she was a party girl and we were just 'Dollies'
I never felt good enough, despite being a good girl and always doing well at school.
The only prise I ever remember getting was - 'our Tammy is so slim'
I can remember, in many occasion, sat on a chair, sobbing uncontrollably, while my parents circled me , like the gestapo , with my mums words echoing 'she'll never change , she'll never change'
I mean - WTF
What did I ever do?
Well I did answer back.
But even as little as I was, I knew it wasn't fair/right.
I'm still unpicking it.
And when my kids were born....wow what a revaluation.
They were perfect.
I kept asking myself , how anyone could treat a child the way they had?
Yes, we were housed and clothed, and fed, but the mental and emotional abuse ....
My uncle once said 'your Dad was always - Tammy ! Tammy! Tammy!'
I was the total opposite to my parents.

I remember the day, that I looked at my first born, and she looked back at me with such love.
She was less than a year old. I'd came into the nursery and she was sat up in her cot. She gave me the biggest smile. And for the first time ever I felt unconditional love.
I decided that as all babies are born innocent, this child could not be wrong - and she loved - me!
It was in that moment I started to learn to love myself.