Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 3

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. It continued to a second thread here: Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2 | Mumsnet I hope this thread can continue the good work of its predecessors. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here. The world is a better place with you in it, despite what you might have been conditioned to believe by those who brought you into it. x

'Oh it's only Ellie!' a phrase I heard throughout my childhood after being given scabby, hand me down, boys clothes and a bedroom that had a frayed carpet that came with the house that didn't meet the walls and wood chip 'wallpaper' that was peeling off and shit curtains that nobody wanted. My dad at one point admitted they asked me to tidy my room but that they dumped old sleeping bags and any old crap in it so it wasn't really fair. It's ok, it's only me.
My mother also sexually abused me and my dad heavily criticised me at any opportunity. CUNTS.
They won't understand why I've left the family to live in protected accommodation though... duh!!

Are any of you stuck with seeing the Narc still due to various circumstances?

I'm at a point right now where the full realisation of every horrible thing they've done is so clear to me. I'm now feeling very severe anger. It's overwhelming but I am not expressing it towards my mum. She lives doors away and I am housebound due to very ill health. I've made a few changes to remove power that she had over me. This in itself is very freeing. It will also mean my young son has less contact. This has improved the dynamics massively for me and the manipulative behaviour.

There is daily alcoholism also. All behind a veneer of respectability. No one really believes what she's like. This is so difficult. You know you just can't say anything as people think you're the one with the problem.

I have 3 good friends who know. They themselves witnessed a few things that they saw was very unmaternal and odd. There's comfort in that.

I feel so riled inside having to be pleasant. Especially now that the niceness and wanting to do everything to help suddenly is on full speed.

Are some of you still in minimal contact and coping ok emotionally? For the first time I see every single nice act for the false manipulative crap it is.

My brother is also one and capable of more overtime destructive behaviour. I've had no contact for a number of months. My child still has some contact with his cousin online. He is close. I've explained he won't be seeing my brother due to incredibly abusive behaviour. He's seen things himself directly so understands on some level. But again, it still infiltrates my space mentally when I hear them play together online.

If I wasn't so ill and could leave the house and function better, this would probably be much easier.

This made me shudder, it’s like we have the same mother. This sounds so much like my mother.
Its like women wired this way are completely unfeeling towards anyone apart from themselves. I’ve read that narcissistic people are insecure inside, but I’m not entirely sure I believe it, because most of them think the world revolves around them and they are the only person who matters.

@AngryLikeHades Im sorry you have been through so much. Your mother sounds another level of evil. I hope you are safe from her and your father now.

This resonates with me so much, unfortunately. Like you if I ever tried to defend myself she would scream that she wasn’t talking to me while I was “hysterical and shouting”, the insane thing is she was the only one that way. I used to say to her, in an intentionally low voice, almost a whisper, “I’m not shouting at you, now will you listen?” She would literally leave the room and shout that because of my tone she wasn’t talking to me. Someone mentioned that it’s like seeing evil and it is. My NM is one messed up, disturbed individual. I can’t imagine ever treating my kids like that.

Thankyou for your concern, I am but haven't been for long.
Women's aid were fabulous and listened and helped get me out.
My mother has abused me and criticised me all her life and she will be complaining to lots of people that I don't visit her or help her.
I can't imagine why that might be (heavy sarcasm)!!!!
The thing is she will probably genuinely think to herself why I am not there. I'm not inside her narcissistic mind but christ, you do think 'why would I go and give the attention you seek when you treat me so badly and make me feel unsafe around you???!!!!' 😫
She has trotted out the line of 'we spent so much money on your private education, you should be grateful and do something for me now....' too often.
I have no idea of how she thinks.
I'm not feeling too guilty about my enabling father that could be the new scapegoat. She occasionally locked him in the kitchen cupboard but of course I got the blame:
'It's only Elllll-ieee'
I'm saddened by the fact that other people have experienced similar. Awful.

@AngryLikeHades - your DM is evil and I'm so happy for you you are away from it. She needs locking up.

Whenever she wants anything and if you ever speak to her again I would mimic back "oh it's only you DM", "anything will do for you", "no that's too good for you".

I don't think my DM ever wondered why I wasn't around. The second we left out home that was it. I had no value because she wasn't with my DF anymore. Hopefully your DM, as painful as it is, will leave you alone.

Our DMs are keen to point out everything they've done for us. My DM did nothing for me except the basics (and even then she didn't pay for it).

My DM was also a drinker but hid it well from others.

The more we unpick this the more we find out that they are all exactly the same!

Honestly I'm so thankful for you all. You are keeping me sane x

A couple of ‘mumisms’ from the last few weeks (I’m 29 weeks pregnant and my mum is driving me insane. I genuinely grew up thinking she hated me, and now she seems to think we’ll have this lovely close relationship once my DC is here… 🤢)

When discussing whether my DC1 will go to a nursery/childminder: “Me and your dad will have to come and pinch him from there. Hijack him.” Well, that’s one way to ensure you’re on the ‘never ever to collect’ list as soon as he starts nursery 🙃

“Once baby is here, we’ll have to arrange to come up all the time.” I think I must have looked 🤨 at this one, because she did correct herself to “not all the time…”

“We’ve been looking at Centerparcs and we can book to go every year.” Every year locked into a holiday I have no desire to go on, when I can barely stand a few hours in her presence?! Why does she think she has a right to my DC’s childhood and my own experience of motherhood like this, after how she’s behaved for the last 30 years!?

I told my dad about the ‘hijack’ comment (she seems to save these things for when my dad and DH aren’t around, funny that, isn’t it?), and he said ‘please don’t take it personally’ and ‘she would never hurt him’ - but she was perfectly capable of hurting her own children, wasn’t she? So she’s sure as anything never going to be trusted with my children.

As my due date gets closer, I feel increasingly like I don’t want her near me/us. I think it’s going to get to the point where I actually have to say something. I don’t understand how she (and my dad) can be so obtuse as not to realise how damaging her (their?) behaviour has been and continues to be.

I want to preserve my peace for the remainder of my pregnancy and first weeks/months of motherhood, yet they expect me to keep their peace, with zero regard for what I want or need. It comes at the expense of my own wellbeing, and even then she’s not satisfied, so what’s the point? I was awake 2-6am last night/this morning with my brain buzzing about all this, it’s not healthy.

Thank you for the space to vent! Hope you’re all doing ok.

@RenewableNewt I think having your own child is a real catalyst for bringing up feelings about your own upbringing. You realise that you would never treat your own child as your mother treated you (and my mother spent a lot of my childhood saying that she was doing things for my benefit and I would understand when I had my own children. No. Never did).

I would strongly suggest setting really firm boundaries (and sticking to them) as soon and as early as you can. Particularly as your mother is already making suggestions of taking over. Can you get DH really strongly on board to advocate for you as well? Pregnancy/after birth can be such a vulnerable time.

When I was expecting my DS my mother came for a visit and announced that she and my dad would move in for 2 weeks after DS was born. As I could barely tolerate a 2 hour visit (and my mother could not tolerate DH at all -openly telling him that he was stupid and she wished he hadn't married me) and my mother had been precisely no help to me at any earlier point in my life, I'm not sure why she thought this was a good plan.
This was my first boundary where I said that they were welcome to visit but I did not want them to stay. Cue the 3 hour tantrum which started as "poor me" and ended up by telling me what an awful person I was and how she hoped my child would be as much trouble as I was.

Really I should have gone NC then. As it was it took another 19 years and for both my children to hate her too, before I had the courage to do it.

@RenewableNewt I'm sorry but your dad can't be trusted. He won't see this and even if he does he sounds like what they call a flying monkey. He either does this knowingly to keep itself safe because he has no intention of leaving. Or he knows what she's like and does not want you to upset the apple cart.

Can you be strategic on this and set out boundaries for communication that you can cope with. So do you have to regularly be face to face with her? Can you look into the Yellow Rock method. Have you heard of that?

You basically just keep them at some sort of distance whilst keeping it nice and friendly. You have to accept unfortunate that this stuff isn't going to get better. That's the hardest part of all of it

Thank you @Pantaloons99 and @PurpleBubble 💐

My mum also ‘announces’ things like dad will be dropping her off at my house etc, never asking if it’s convenient (I managed to say that it wasn’t, but I do find it hard still to stand up for myself).

Her way of speaking/communicating makes me wince/cringe. She’ll always phrase things like ‘we will need to’, ‘baby will be having XYZ’, like she’s decided and it’s non-negotiable. She’s going to have a bloody shock when she realises that I’m in charge when it comes to boundaries around giving birth/having very tiny DC. Her behaviour is going to be even more unpleasant.

She genuinely can’t seem to comprehend that I don’t want any of this - I’m totally past the idea of us ever getting on any better or being any closer, and in fact the thought repulses me because it’s always me having to placate her and ‘keep the peace’ - at the expense of my own peace. That’s not happening when I have a newborn DC, whose wellbeing is much much more to me than hers.

I agree that my dad threw and continues to throw me under the bus. Their behaviour around my miscarriage last year was disgusting. Mum bombarding me with loveheart messages and then saying ‘so it had died then?’ when asking about my scan. Dad phoned me up not to ask how I was, but to say that I should keep my mum ‘in the picture’. Why? To what end? Because her having ‘exclusive’ personal information about my miscarriage and surgery is the sort of thing that keeps her happy and means he gets a quiet life? How sick is that?

My sister has long said that they’re both as bad as each other and I can see it now. I used to think my dad was also a victim (and he is, but he also had the responsibility to protect us from mum’s behaviour, as our parent). He’s never going to stand up for us and he will always defend her, no matter how upset her behaviour makes me. What a fucking pair. Sorry, I’m so angry that I’ve been lumbered with this. Thank you for reading.

Another gem from my dad is that apparently he and I are the same because we’re both ‘too sensitive’. Clearly I’ve been overreacting to these awful, bizarre, ridiculous things my mum has said and done over the years and I’ve misunderstood because it’s actually not her with the problem, it’s me being too sensitive.

I did actually argue that one, and said that no, I thought it was her responsibility to think about the impact of her words and actions on other people and the consequences of her behaviour, but apparently I’m wrong there too. FML!

Yes, it is odd how people who make constant unpleasant and sometimes downright cruel remarks so often have family members who are too "sensitive".

So you probably know that the regular use of phrases such as

' you're too sensitive ' or : I'm only joking ' is part of the gaslighting toolkit. You have realised your dad is no use either sadly.

The boundary that you employ when this ' I'm turning up' type stuff is employed is to reply imminently with ' oh sorry mum, we can't right now '.And then you lock your door and hide. It will take a few times doing this.

When the baby is here and you can't hide them it's the same ' sorry mum, we can't right now' if she turns up don't answer the door. Or, you can open the door and say ah mum, so sorry now is a really bad time. We will pop over to you soon I promise '. Then you shut the door on her.

This will feel absolutely impossible to you because you've never done it. You shouldn't have to but your parents have no boundaries. You're going to lose your mind if you don't put some boundaries in place here. I'm sure they'll play the absolute victim but you can be nice as pie and still do the above until it sinks in.

I hope so much your partner sees all this stuff and isn't in the ' oh she's lovely really ' type camp! You're going to need his support on this.

I know it's hideous dealing with this stuff

Thank you, both. I’m reaching the point where I’m so done with both of them. We have social meet-ups booked in for the next few months (including my mum deciding she would ‘come and keep me company’ when DH is away, which was unsolicited and is unwanted - she’s genuinely surprised when I have my own plans with friends separately to DH, which is another example of her bizarre behaviour). Honestly, I want to cancel the plans and get some brain space back.

The problem is that as soon as she senses me drawing away, she goes utterly ballistic. Telling lies about me to relatives, sending me emails telling me if she walked in front of a lorry then I’d regret not seeing her more, bombarding me with messages. I’m not going to want this at all with a newborn. She might find herself getting abruptly cut off if she tries any of this then, and I’ll need DH firmly on-side in case her nonsense does hit the fan.

I wish I didn’t have to think about this. The thought of her behaviour (both past and potential) is making me dread my baby being born. That’s so upsetting - I should be looking forward to the most special (if challenging!) time in my life, but I’m just dreading my mum making it all about her, and my dad genuinely expecting me to placate her at my own expense.

Just venting, sorry. I have a break in counselling sessions while my therapist is on holiday, but I have a list of things to talk through with her in a few weeks.

@RenewableNewt god I so understand this. You try pull back and bloody hell breaks loose

@WaggledMyAerialAndWolfedMyCustardCreams I'm so sorry things are grim for you at present. Much love and many hugs to you. 🎉x

@WaggledMyAerialAndWolfedMyCustardCreams hope you’re doing ok. Your posts here are always so wise and empathetic 💐 thinking of you (and everyone else in this club nobody asked to be in!)

Hi everyone! I tried to find this thread the other night to see how everyone was!

In the summer I was talking to my DMs sister and despite her saying she felt guilty (not because of her inaction with my DM) because she hasn't kept in touch she's gone quiet again. She knew I was sick but out of sight ...

But I'm glad I could try get a little about how awful it was for me. When I see her she always tries to see the good in the old bitch. She's said to me previous how I look like her (I don't) and when I've been offended she's said "your DM was pretty when she was young and you've always been beautiful". Which ya know ...

And how she tried telling my DM how lucky she was to have my DF and I. And how supposedly my DM was so supportive with me moving away. Well yes because she knew I'd tackle her about fucking over my DF.

God the anger just rumbles on ...

The anger is so relatable @WaggledMyAerialAndWolfedMyCustardCreams and @user1471538283

I’m navigating new motherhood alongside being the daughter of a NM and a generally interesting family, which is fun.

So far, unsurprising gems have been:

• being the only people (NM and DF) to pressure us for visits when DS was two days old;
• my sister starting a group video call as soon as I was on the postnatal ward after having a c section and wondering why I didn’t join;
• both my sister and dad badgering me about making NM a photo diary for Christmas with pictures of DS which, as DS is three weeks old, are almost exclusively photos of him in my living room with me looking like a puffy postpartum mess 😔 (this one is more infuriating than it otherwise would be on 3 hours sleep, admittedly);
• bringing my extended family to my house when DS was a week old and then sitting having lunch around my dining table while DH and I sat with DS on the sofa;
• the same visit, NM and my sister sitting cuddling my baby and neither of them asking how DH and I were. DS was passed around like a parcel among all the relatives and I only saw him when I fed him. I definitely need to get more assertive because that afternoon really took the stuffing out of me and I can’t let it happen again.
• DF pestering me for photos if I haven’t sent one that day, until I told him we’d had a shit day/night and sending photos was not my priority;
• DF and NM stopping talking to me for several days when I cancelled a visit due to having an infection in my c section scar, having left me on read and then responded with just ‘so disappointing’.

This is on top of the bollocks during my pregnancy about us allegedly not telling NM when our 20-week scan was (we had) in the week when I would’ve been due had my previous pregnancy not ended in a MMC, and then her declaring that she would ‘have to come and hijack’ my then unborn DS from nursery.

It’s been really eye opening. I expected them to be infuriating but it’s been a whole other level of self-centredness - or maybe the same level as usual, but now I can see it for what it is. And actually, it’s my dad and sister whose behaviour has upset me the most, because they’re seemingly doing NM’s bidding and care more about not upsetting her than they do about supporting me or even acknowledging how challenging the adjustment to having a newborn is. In my sister’s defence, she’s younger than me and has no DC yet so doesn’t understand the demands that having a newborn and recovering from birth (of any kind) put on you. But my dad’s been through this twice before with me and my sister, albeit 30 years ago, and my mum had severe PND with me, so pressuring me like they have and persisting in trying to make me feel responsible for their own emotions at this time feels pretty unforgiveable, actually.

Bloody families.