How do you deal with your child not being invited to a party . She is so upset

[Tryingmybestadhd]

My daughter is 6 and in a small class ( 13 and only 4 girls ) She is the only girl not invited to another girls party in her class . She came home in tears and it’s honestly heartbreaking. They’re where both girls and boys invited so I don’t think it was a numbers issue . To make it worse this girl is one of those that never shuts up and spend all day speaking about her coming party .
How do you deal with this ? She is so upset .
There m no know issues with this girl either .
As an adult I obviously understand the parents are not obligated to to invite everyone but I feel pretty upset as we previously had this girl in 2 of my daughters parties . Altough I don’t think I will invite her anymore for future ones

Jeez that’s just vile behaviour.

Yes it is and doubt I can go ahead with it at the time as I will feel less upset in a few months but part of me wishes I could because that’s exactly how my daughter is feeling .

@Tryingmybestadhd I think you are being unfair , I told my daughter all the right things , doesn’t mean that’s how I’m feeling . It’s a case of do as I say not as I do and honestly I don’t think telling her she is not obligated to be nice to someone go was not nice to her is making her bay favours . The last think I want is my daughter to be a doormat

You are not teaching your dd all the right things at all. By plotting and planning to have a big party specifically to create a scenario where you can punish this 6 YEAR OLD CHILD and get at her mother you are teaching your dd that your actions are reactions rather than driving your own life based on what the right things are for you. You aren't having a party that your dd wants. You are planning on inviting all and sundry simply to execute a vendetta against a child. You are teaching your dd that nastiness is ok if you feel someone has acted poorly. Nastiness is never ok. Consequences are ok. Your dd choosing not to be friends with the child is a consequence. You plotting and scheming is not a consequence. It is evidence that you choose your actions out of spite. You are teaching her that when disappointment occurs the right course of action is anger, resentment and revenge and that one should expend energy to seek out petty ways to punish people. You've got this parenting all kinds of wrong.

Christ no wonder do many people grow up with no resilience or ability to resolve conflict when this is the sort of example their parents are leading

Op, the other mother has made a big mistake in a small village school.

Give them a wide berth from now on.

I have lots of dc go through our village school, and they are nothing like huge primaries where no one knows each other. Everyone will have noticed that your dd was excluded. In our school we would have spoken openly about it, but I accept other schools do not have parents that are that close.

I would be worried about the group dynamic more than the party. I am sorry they are so mean. Families choose village schools for the lovely inclusive family atmosphere, not for this.

So her daughter's birthday party should actually be about your daughter because she's a girl and not who the girl actually wants at her birthday party?

You're assuming that she isn't being nice. You also have little idea of what is actually going on. Maybe this girl and your daughter just aren't as close as you think.

My daughter literally burst into tears as soon as she came in the car and kept telling me she is not cool enough as she is not invited and how sad she felt to be left out

I suspect the 'cool' comment is at the root of this. I suspect party girl has said or done something to make your daughter feel bad.

Op. If you undertake your parenting journey In such a reactionary and vindictive manner only your child will suffer.

firstly, it is her choice who she invites to her parties. Not yours. You decide the numbers, that’s it, you are the parent not the birthday girl it’s not your party. You talk to her, understand, not decide on her behalf without discussion, she is a person in her own right.

secondly as you said you don’t even know who was invited. Your child is not entitled to go to every girls party just because she’s a girl. What are you thinking with that? These children are allowed to have small parties and decide who attends based on friendships, not gender. Children can have close friends of both genders.

Thirdly If this Is whole class party and only your daughter left out then be a grown up and speak to the parent And understand why to enable you to support your child. It’s doubtful it is though. But be an adult. Parent; don’t give be vicious. It helps no one.

lastly as said, if you start excluding kids because they don’t invite her, and let’s be honest, there will be plenty of parties she’s not invited to. Then by the time she leaves primary, and likely much before, she will have no friends left.

I think you've got too invested in the only girl not to be invited issue .
The girl obviously preferred to invite some boys over your daughter .
It's normal not to invite everyone

You do realise my daughters birthday is months from now and by then she probably won’t remember ? Only I will. So if I need ent shed with that , she wouldn’t know the reason . It’s a big if because contrary to her mum I don’t think I could actually not invite her . Not that again , I owe her anything and if that would only hurt the mum I would do it , but it’s a child. Her DD has been invited to 3 birthdays and come to 2 of them over the years without ever having a party herself , but the first time she throws a party she forgets my daughter . I’m only human , let me think I can actually be this mean

I would actually speak to the parent. I think I would feign innocence and say something like "I've just heard it's x party soon. Im so sorry we must have missed the invitation...school must not have handed them out" or similar.

She's only 6. There are only 4 of them in the class. It's fair to expect her to be invited and tbh it's pretty rude of her not to be.

Or if you don't feel comfortable with a white lie perhaps you can speak to the mother and say you understand why she hasn't been invited as everything is so expensive these days but that perhaps you can cover the cost so that she can come and isn't left out.

Tbh I feel for you as people seem to have got rather savage on kids parties. I do blame the parents as the form used to be you invited everyone, accepting a few would not come. That is a good community.

Numbers and this sort of stuff is on the parents. If the girl herself has been mean to your child then you won't get far with the parents.

I am very glad to be out of this stage myself.

I have to agree with @MyEyesMyThighs . It’s not always personal.

DS is in a very small class, with 5 boys and 3 girls. One girl recently celebrated her 7th birthday. She chose to invite one girl and 3 boys. That meant that one of the 3 girls was not invited, but it was not spiteful at all. It was due to numbers, and who she currently considers her best friends.

DS was one of the boys at this party. He only wanted boys at his own party. So the invite was not returned. That’s just how it is, not everyone is out to upset you or your DC

@Tryingmybestadhd meant kindly, your lovely dd is 6. You are hurting to see her pain. This is a major thing for you to learn from. She will feel pain many times. She will have massive fall outs. She will find times when she has no friends. Her friends will push her out. She will push friends out. Her boyfriend will break her heart into a million pieces and your heart will physically ache when you hear her endless sobs night after night. This will happen. You need to get a grip and understand this is your job. And it's is a privilege to have this job. Your job is is build a strong resilient child who has an inner confidence that will see her through these challenges. To do this YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE she is capable and that each of these moments is a growth event for her. You think you can hide your feelings of resentment and anger from her. You can't as it drives your actions. They way you say things. The things you say. We need to be whole to grow whole children into whole adults. This is about growing yourself as much or more than growing her.

Do you know where the party is at?
Maybe they are limited on numbers if the party is somewhere like bowling or the cinema, maybe they are taking 2 cars and can’t fit anymore in. Maybe they have siblings / cousins who are coming.
Maybe the girl gets on better with the 4 boys than your daughter and that’s who she wanted at her party, would it be fair for her mum to say no your not having the 4 boys as you need to invite all the girls?

If she has invited the whole class apart from your daughter then absolutely don’t invite her to your daughters party as this is awful but it may not be the case.

Just to add I would be really upset for my daughter if this happened to her but it might not have been done maliciously.

I think you're starting to sound quite unhinged now OP.

@SouthLondonMum22 they damn well should be ashamed because their daughter has been invited to and has attended two parties held by the OP's daughter and they have now only invited three little girls out of a class of just four, leaving one little girl out. They must know of her existence, these girls are only six so those parties must have been in the last couple of years. In my eyes that's something to be ashamed of.

It’s also possible that they may have invited relatives and friends outside of school, so may have been limited to a certain number from her class. If she plays with the boys then I don’t think it is necessarily a snub thing.

I understand how you feel absolutely. One of my dd's has had similar happen many times from one child. She however is very diplomatic and I want to offer her perspective. This child gives out invites to my daughter's two best friends in front of her in the playground, even though I know it has all been arranged via parents online, (paper invites completely unnecessary, unless it's infant age and you don't have everyone's contact details and it's a whole class party so it isn't so blatantly obvious to those not invited). Anyway, when I was discussing my dd's own party, she wanted to invite the girl who always leaves her out. I was careful with my words but eventually did discuss with her if she thought it was fair to invite her when she always excluded her. She said 'But mum, it isn't choice who she invites, it's her mum's. Her mum invited all her friend children. So if isn't fault and not fair to leave her out' Which is 100% true. I've still been unable to go through with inciting this child knowing she has a birthday the week before my dd's, so instead I only do whole class parties if inviting anyone from school, and I don't exclude that dd. But I wouldn't invite her to a smaller party.

One option you have at this time of year, is to host a Halloween party? So your dd has her own party to talk about and invite people to?

I admit I probably am feeling it too . I will come back to it once I know more details Thursday and I’m less upset. Im sure I will have calmed down by then … unless she invited the whole class bar her , then I will go back unhinged 😜 , specially as my daughter gets along with everyone so well

The irony! 😂

Maybe the girl is closer to the boys she invited instead. Why should the birthday party be all about OP’s daughter and not who the actual birthday girl wants to invite?

Friendships are fluid when they are young.

So sorry this has happened and seems really mean of the other parent. DS had just started school and my sister said basically the rule is that you either invite all the boys/girls or the whole class at least for the first few years. If honestly ask the parent outright as if her child has attended your child's party I'm assuming you have her number?

Unfortunately, some children learn at a very early age that they get more pleasure from not inviting everyone because they feel they've got something over them.

I would blame the mother here. The first thing you do, surely, when you make up a list is to include everyone whose party your child has gone to.