How do you deal with your child not being invited to a party . She is so upset

[Tryingmybestadhd]

My daughter is 6 and in a small class ( 13 and only 4 girls ) She is the only girl not invited to another girls party in her class . She came home in tears and it’s honestly heartbreaking. They’re where both girls and boys invited so I don’t think it was a numbers issue . To make it worse this girl is one of those that never shuts up and spend all day speaking about her coming party .
How do you deal with this ? She is so upset .
There m no know issues with this girl either .
As an adult I obviously understand the parents are not obligated to to invite everyone but I feel pretty upset as we previously had this girl in 2 of my daughters parties . Altough I don’t think I will invite her anymore for future ones

It's not a class of 4 it's a class of 14. Op doesn't know how many are invited in total but knows 6 are.

Yes ask outright or send a message.

Seriously, are you still going with the ‘Pretend passive-aggressively that you’re just checking you haven’t missed an invitation but actually make it clear you’re really pissed off your DD isn’t on the guest list’ stuff?

I don't see the big deal and I'd have had no qualms in asking the mum at school pick-up, if my daughter's invitation had gone astray?

Or messaging her directly if she doesn't go to the school gates.

I prefer to be direct so you know where you stand. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Or you could set a decent example to your child and continue to invite the very small number of girls in her class, until you get to the stage where your child is old enough to choose a couple of their own special friends to (eg) take skating or to the cinema or whatever they're into.

While meanwhile saying to your child who has been left out "yes, it feels sad not to be invited, but they could probably only invite 8 people, and the good thing is that you and I can [insert whatever fun thing she'd like to do on the day]".

@autiebooklover it's a class of 4 girls. The other pupils are all boys. OP has said the group of 4 girls have been friends since age 3 and have done things together. She also said she's invited the birthday girl to 3 parties held for her daughter and the other girl has attended 2 of those parties. Then the first time this girl ever has a party, she leaves just one little girl out of the group of 4 friends. I don't care what anyone says, that is mean and nasty!

I’m coming at it from a different angle here, but my DD hangs around with 6 girls in her class - but one she has had problems with. Nothing serious and I’ve never brought it up, but just her being bossy because she’s the oldest, taking friends away when she feels like she wants 1 on 1 time with just them (& that ‘special friend’ is never my dd.) So when she had a party and I asked her who she wanted to invite she said the 5 girls excluding this one. I wasn’t going to force her to invite this girl she simply tolerates most days in her friend group… Maybe her mum was pissed off, I don’t know she never mentioned it. But tbf my dd has never been invited to her parties if she’s had any, maybe I’d of felt differently if she had.

I’m not saying your dd is at all like that girl but I wouldn’t definitely just play it down and do something fun that day.

What does it matter that the other pupils are all boys? Maybe the birthday girl plays with the boys she has invited more now, they aren't 3 any more and will have friendship preferences.

OP's daughter isn't entitled to a birthday party invite just because she's a girl. Girls can be friends with boys.

@SouthLondonMum22 She should be entitled to an invite as she has always invited this girl to her parties. If a child who my child had been friends with since aged 3 had always been kind enough to include my child in party invitations and I was holding my child's first ever party, then, girl or boy, I'd make sure that child was invited to the party.

There will be many parties that your daughter is invited to and many that she is not - in a class of 13 you know that 6 or 7 have been invited and at this age it's pretty normal to play with boys and girls so I would stop focusing on being the only girl not invited (only 2 have been invited).

Inviting her to your daughters party doesn't mean you should/would get an invite, if your daughter wants to invite her to her party I wouldn't leave her out as if they are friends your daughter probably would want to celebrate with her.

If she wants to be friends and is one of the only girls in the class with her for the next few years I wouldn't try to damage the friendship despite not being invited. You have no reason to think this is spiteful and I expect any retaliation or bad feelings are likely to make things worse in the future.

Don't worry about it - she will forget about it in a couple of days. I have twins in school sometimes one of them gets invited to a party and not the other and they have been upset before, but they get over it and cannot expect to be invited to all parties.

@SouthLondonMum22 It matters that the other 10 pupils are boys because I was replying to a poster who was implying I was incorrect in saying it was a class of 4. I said it was a class of 4 girls and the rest were boys, I was not implying that there was only 4 pupils in the class.

Birthday parties are for children, not to point score with parents. The children invited should be the children the birthday child wants there.

I don't think the birthday child should potentially not have someone they want at their birthday party in place of OP's DD because of previous parties and because OP's daughter happens to be a girl.

@SouthLondonMum22 who mentioned point scoring with parents?

I don't think inviting someone to your parties means you should be invited to theirs automatically.

My daughter always invited her class to her parties and that doesn't mean she then should be invited to everyone's party even if it wasn't a whole class thing. Similarly I would not decline an invitation for my kids if they wanted to go to a party if I thought we wouldn't be able to invite them.

Sometimes they are invited to 20+ parties a year but wouldn't feel obliged to invite 20+ or make sure they were the first 20 on the list

No not in a pa way. My own style is much more direct! But then I have known the mothers/friends for donkeys years and we are straight shooters ( Rural area)

If I knew them but not as a good friend I would 100% send a message! Why not? What are we trying to do here, the mother has either missed the child off by accident ( happens a lot!) and much prefer to know or on purpose. If on purpose why should she benefit from op toeing the line and staying quiet??

No, the mother should own her choices. If she feels it is acceptable to leave out one small child in a tiny friendship group of 4 in a class that’s fine - but she can’t count on my collaboration!

I find all of this be kind BS absolutely fake and insincere. It’s normal to feel angry and hurt when your friends do things that damage your well being. Denying it, covering it, papering over it is toxic, unnatural and inauthentic.

Op is better off validating and agreeing with her dd! Yes it’s painful and hurtful, and I am sorry this has happened not paint her toenails and tell her there is more disappointment to come.

I fundamentally disagree with teaching our children that their true feelings are not valid and just using distraction techniques.

Inviting someone just because your child was invited to their party is about the parents, not the birthday child unless they would choose to invite them anyway.

Inviting someone doesn't mean you'll automatically get an invitation back, it just doesn't.

I can’t help but feel that many pp have done this and are defending their own shitty behaviour.

How would you even know? You don’t even have a child old enough for a party!

@Lastchancechica well said!

Or parents that put their issues on to their kids?

Yes I'm very petty but I would tell dd to start talking about her own party even if it's far away and remind the child she won't be invited as she wasn't invited to hers.

I have a niece and nephew old enough for birthday parties, I know how it works. It isn't rocket science.

Clearly, I'm not the only one who disagrees. Are you going to make sure their children are old enough too?

Do you actually believe ops dd is crying her eyes out and devastated because of her mother? Of course not! Little dd is reacting to the very real hurt of rejection.

You have NO idea.

Yet I'm not on my own here. You just don't like me from previous threads which is fine.