Page 11 | How do you deal with your child not being invited to a party . She is so upset

Tryingmybestadhd · 2023-10-03T10:07:38+00:00

My daughter is 6 and in a small class ( 13 and only 4 girls ) She is the only girl not invited to another girls party in her class . She came home in tears and it’s honestly heartbreaking. They’re where both girls and boys invited so I don’t think it was a numbers issue . To make it worse this girl is one of those that never shuts up and spend all day speaking about her coming party . How do you deal with this ? She is so upset . There m no know issues with this girl either . As an adult I obviously understand the parents are not obligated to to invite everyone but I feel pretty upset as we previously had this girl in 2 of my daughters parties . Altough I don’t think I will invite her anymore for future ones

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wutheringkites · 04/10/2023 09:29

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 04/10/2023 09:10

@Janieforever I think the fender is relevant at that age. It's very common for the girls to mostly play with the girls and the boys to play with the boys. So this feels like a massive snub given the small number of girls in the class. We have quite often just invited the girls to my daughters party, old fashioned yes, and not ideal as there are maybe 1 or 2 girls she wouldn't chose to invite and a couple of boys she would, but it's draws a clear line and helps to avoid anyone feeling left out.

My son was good friends with a girl at nursery, played together lots, had play dates at each other's houses, trip to the zoo together.

Her birthday was girls only and my son was confused about it. I made light of it but internally thought her parents were idiots.

LolaSmiles · 04/10/2023 09:32

My son was good friends with a girl at nursery, played together lots, had play dates at each other's houses, trip to the zoo together.

Her birthday was girls only and my son was confused about it. I made light of it but internally thought her parents were idiots
I'd think the same and privately wonder why the parents were more bothered about appearing 'fair' to random parents than respecting their child's friendships.

With mine we either start with a list of who they'd like to invite or start with what sort of party they'd like and then work it out from there. They know it's a trade off between the sort of party that will require smaller numbers Vs us hiring a hall and having more people.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 04/10/2023 09:41

@wutheringkites I get that, if she's a close friend. My daughter didn't have any close friends that were boys at that age which was why we didn't invite any. Agree it's an old fashioned way of doing things....it works for some though.

wutheringkites · 04/10/2023 09:43

With mine we either start with a list of who they'd like to invite or start with what sort of party they'd like and then work it out from there.

This is totally sensible.

I would never exclude a child based on my own feelings toward them unless they had done something heinous.

CherryBlossom321 · 04/10/2023 09:56

Teaching our children to manage disappointment and the associated emotions is a really valuable life lesson. This will happen again, in some folks cases, many times over. None of us are entitled to an invitation.

Tryingmybestadhd · 04/10/2023 10:05

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Fleabane · 04/10/2023 10:16

She didn't say your daughter was entitled, she said you feel your daughter is entitled to be invited to every party @Tryingmybestadhd

This is a small party and this is what happens as children get older. You don't have whole class parties any more - you do an activity with a small number.

This is the first time your daughter has not been invited but it won't be the last. You modelling handling disappointment well will give your daughter the tools to deal with it again in the future.

Being spiteful and excluding the other girl from a whole class party is not very kind - either to the other girl or your daughter.

wutheringkites · 04/10/2023 10:24

What is not normal is you calling a child entitled

Says the op who previously wrote this about a 6 year old: this girl is one of those that never shuts up

Is it just you who is allowed to comment on the behaviour of 6 year olds op?

Original poster

Tryingmybestadhd · 04/10/2023 10:50

wutheringkites · 04/10/2023 10:24

What is not normal is you calling a child entitled

Says the op who previously wrote this about a 6 year old: this girl is one of those that never shuts up

Is it just you who is allowed to comment on the behaviour of 6 year olds op?

why was that mean in any way ? She has been known to never shut up , she is one of those kids who talks constantly , her mum told us this since she was 3 and it’s literally true . I didn’t say that in a mean way , I was trying to explain she will talk about her party before and after for ages .

OP posts:

wutheringkites · 04/10/2023 11:37

Judging by your posts on this thread, I reckon if someone said your kid 'never shuts up', you would not be ok with it in the slightest.

Justhereforthebabynames · 04/10/2023 11:46

Calling a poster 'you vile creature' is really off-putting.

Original poster

Tryingmybestadhd · 04/10/2023 12:19

wutheringkites · 04/10/2023 11:37

Judging by your posts on this thread, I reckon if someone said your kid 'never shuts up', you would not be ok with it in the slightest.

No I would say “ I know ! “

OP posts:

Original poster

Tryingmybestadhd · 04/10/2023 12:20

wutheringkites · 04/10/2023 11:37

Judging by your posts on this thread, I reckon if someone said your kid 'never shuts up', you would not be ok with it in the slightest.

Calling a child entitled when she is anything but , quite the opposite is vile .

OP posts:

Janieforever · 04/10/2023 12:26

Tryingmybestadhd · 04/10/2023 12:20

Calling a child entitled when she is anything but , quite the opposite is vile .

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No op. What’s vile is you planing to have a whole class party and exclude this little girl when you’ve no idea of the situation here

your child is not entitled to an invite. No they are not entitled being upset they can’t go, that’s normal. It’s you who is being entitled

newhere24 · 04/10/2023 12:28

With 2 kids (early and late primary), I‘ve never come across gender segregated birthday parties. Its either all class, or close friends only. Even my 10 year old had 3 girls and 5 boys invited to his last party (and intends to do the same for his next birthday). I personally find gender segregation very odd.

Outdamnspot23 · 04/10/2023 12:52

Oh so this little girl has never had a birthday party before?

Maybe her parents are strapped for cash or more comfortable with a smaller party? I don't think a girl is entitled to go to a party ahead of boys in her class "just because".

We always did (I now realise) cheap parties at home and I would be given a number of kids I could invite and had free rein about who went on the list. It never occurred to me at 6/7/8/9 that anyone might have felt left out, and I doubt my parents gave it any thought either as clearly not all the kids could fit in our living room.

OP I think you need to breathe.

Katiesaidthat · 04/10/2023 13:36

I would be raging on the inside too, but would talk the talk. Also, I think you have to play it by ear. When her birthday comes around, ASK HER who she wants to invite, and do that. It may include the excluder or it may not. But don´t make it about you. It´s not fair on her.

CherryBlossom321 · 04/10/2023 14:34

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Blimey 😂

Lastchancechica · 04/10/2023 14:38

HernesEgg · 04/10/2023 08:16

So why the hysteria about a child not inviting a child who isn’t a close friend to her small birthday party, @Lastchancechica ?

So if you don’t think a small group of girls friends since they were three. The other girls attending ops dds party are not close friends then I am not sure what your definition is!

Either way op needs to assess whether it’s worth inviting clearly ‘not close friends’ to their parties. I would take that information and make future decisions with that in mind. These things work two ways.

Lastchancechica · 04/10/2023 14:47

Getting away from the be kind brigade that champion invalidating your own child’s feelings to prop up (at best) the piss poor manners of another parent.

I don’t think you would be setting a good example to your own child by teaching her it’s okay for to feel hurt and rejected but she must accept that and continue to invite the other kid. Don’t raise a people pleaser.

Ask her how she feels about it. Whether the party has altered her feelings and what feels fair to her when it comes to choosing guest list for her party. Be open and honest about the sadness and anger around it.
Don’t push her to accept poor treatment. It’s okay for her to say I would rather the other girl didn’t come now, she has really hurt my feelings. We are not the good friends I thought we were.

Too often parents say ‘be the bigger person’ what they are really saying is you must accept poor behaviour and rejection and smile sweetly and pretend everything is fine.

Juliet55 · 04/10/2023 14:48

@Lastchancechica Exactly!

Lastchancechica · 04/10/2023 14:55

The one thing I have learnt in the last twenty years at various school gates. You will always get the CF parents that consistently leave out some children from their own parties, but will become outraged if it happens to their little Jemima.
I have watched this play out over and over again in different year groups, and felt incredulous at the sense of entitlement. You want an inclusive, welcoming environment for your child you have to play your part in that.

LolaSmiles · 04/10/2023 17:06

I think there's a big difference between accepting and acknowledging a child's feelings and then accepting and respecting an over the top reaction from an adult (who should know better).

In a situation where, from what it sounds, half the class have an invite to a party and half don't, it's understandable that a child might feel disappointed. It's understandable that a parent might contact the school and say that their child is disappointed by not having an invite and all the party discussion in class is upsetting them.

In a situation where half the class seem have an invite and half don't, it's ridiculous that an adult would be so frothy that they'd take to the internet complaining that their child should have been given an invite because they're a girl, should have one because they've done some parties when they were younger etc. Then the ADULT is huffing and puffing about not inviting another child on principle, when they do a whole class party they aren't going to invite the child, and they don't think they could invite this child to a future party even if their own child wanted to.

That's not about an upset child.
That's an adult with their own hangups.

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/10/2023 17:12

LolaSmiles · 04/10/2023 17:06

I think there's a big difference between accepting and acknowledging a child's feelings and then accepting and respecting an over the top reaction from an adult (who should know better).

In a situation where, from what it sounds, half the class have an invite to a party and half don't, it's understandable that a child might feel disappointed. It's understandable that a parent might contact the school and say that their child is disappointed by not having an invite and all the party discussion in class is upsetting them.

In a situation where half the class seem have an invite and half don't, it's ridiculous that an adult would be so frothy that they'd take to the internet complaining that their child should have been given an invite because they're a girl, should have one because they've done some parties when they were younger etc. Then the ADULT is huffing and puffing about not inviting another child on principle, when they do a whole class party they aren't going to invite the child, and they don't think they could invite this child to a future party even if their own child wanted to.

That's not about an upset child.
That's an adult with their own hangups.

Exactly.

Not one person has said that OP's DD shouldn't feel upset, of course she's going to be upset. She's a small child and parties are a big deal at that age.

Lastchancechica · 04/10/2023 17:54

LolaSmiles · 04/10/2023 17:06

I think there's a big difference between accepting and acknowledging a child's feelings and then accepting and respecting an over the top reaction from an adult (who should know better).

In a situation where, from what it sounds, half the class have an invite to a party and half don't, it's understandable that a child might feel disappointed. It's understandable that a parent might contact the school and say that their child is disappointed by not having an invite and all the party discussion in class is upsetting them.

In a situation where half the class seem have an invite and half don't, it's ridiculous that an adult would be so frothy that they'd take to the internet complaining that their child should have been given an invite because they're a girl, should have one because they've done some parties when they were younger etc. Then the ADULT is huffing and puffing about not inviting another child on principle, when they do a whole class party they aren't going to invite the child, and they don't think they could invite this child to a future party even if their own child wanted to.

That's not about an upset child.
That's an adult with their own hangups.

You have not acknowledged how devastated the CHILD is, nor acknowledged the close friendship that has existed for so long (half of the child’s life) I think that is missing from your post. Which is after all the whole point of the thread.

It’s not about the parent at all, and their feelings but the child’s feelings of rejection and hurt.

How do you deal with your child not being invited to a party . She is so upset

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