Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

My partner can't tolerate my daughters behaviour

189 replies

Pinkshamrock15 · 29/09/2023 11:07

I have two daughters from a previous relationship aged 11 and 7. My eldest daughter is an "easy" and very lovely child, whereas her sister is also an amazing child but far more head strong and can be difficult at times. If she doesn't get her own way she will sometimes have temper tantrums, she might have to be asked numerous times to do something and is clumsy and genuinely doesn't think about the consequences of her actions. She is very good at school with no complaints ever. Family are aware her behaviour can be very difficult too but when she is great she is amazing. I find the best way to deal with her behaviour is to wait to sit her down to talk about it rather than shouting or making her feel "cornered" when people are trying to tell her off because she is a very kind and sensitive child.

My partner and I recently had a baby. Previous to having our daughter he has found it very difficult to tolerate her behaviour. An example that when she was playing on my phone on a long drive to go on holiday (4 hours) he couldn't tolerate listening to what she was watching so escalated it by turning up the radio and a huge argument began. When she wanted to lye on the babies jungle gym he said don't put your feet on it which then only made her want to put her feet on it. She accidently sneezed next to the babies crib he went crazy because she didn't cover her mouth but he went to the extreme. He then continues to rant for an hour about how bad her is. I try and take a fair stance and explain his handling of the situations are wrong and he would be better to sit and calmly explain why she shouldn't do something as getting cross only makes her worse.

I love my daughter more than words can say and if it continues I feel that I will have to end our relationship.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 29/09/2023 11:20

How long have you been in this relationship and living together ?

Original poster
Pinkshamrock15 · 29/09/2023 11:23

We've been together 3 years

OP posts:
LetMeEnfoldYou · 29/09/2023 11:25

Yeah you should definitely end this relationship to be honest. Your daughter is still so little and doesn't deserve this angry ranting intolerant bullshit behaviour.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

11 year olds Families General parenting
Twistyripple · 29/09/2023 11:25

He sounds unjustifiably harsh towards a young girl who's acting like a normal 7 year old?

NnarcissaMalfoy · 29/09/2023 11:26

Does he know you're willing to leave him over this? It might give him the shock he needs to change his behaviour (which is really unacceptable- he is the adult!)

DustyLee123 · 29/09/2023 11:26

So for 3 years he hasn’t altered his behaviour towards her, and now he has a baby to ‘protect’. If he can’t make the change I think it’s best you separate .

PerfectMatch · 29/09/2023 11:26

Your partner sounds pretty awful OP Sad. I guess he's feeling protective of the new baby, but ranting for an hour about a 7yo forgetting to cover her mouth when she sneezes makes me feel really sad for your DD.

rwalker · 29/09/2023 11:32

This sounds like it’s been building for a long time
being harsh op described her as difficult and hard work
you need to grab the reins
in the car that should of been stopped and the mat thing take her out of the room

SoSad44 · 29/09/2023 11:34

He is a bully that can’t tolerate normal child behaviour. End it now before your DD resents you that you brought this bully into her life.

StephanieSuperpowers · 29/09/2023 11:34

I'm surprised you've tolerated his treatment of your daughter as long as you have, to be honest. Unless he changes his whole attitude very quickly indeed, I would be gone. A little girl can't grow up in that atmosphere.

jlpth · 29/09/2023 11:37

Hmmmmm
I’m not sure

i think that he is feeling protective of a new baby and is quite reasonably stressed about keeping the baby safe (in this case it would seem safe from germs and dirt).

if he asked a 7yo not to put feet on jungle gym and then she went and did that, I would think that to be pretty unacceptable behaviour. A 7yo should know better than to do something they’ve just been directly asked not to.

the sneezing on the crib - well I can imagine that would have made him really quite stressed - a new baby with a not fully developed immune system and him wanting to protect the baby. That said, it is a fairly normal thing for a 7yo to do. Again she needs to learn not to, because it’s disgusting to sneeze on anyone. But I can see both sides here. I think I would have been pretty stressed if mine had been sneezed on as babies and that has translated to fury in his case.

it seems a difficult situation. He’s only got a baby and not really aware of what normal irritating 7yo child behaviour is.

BoohooWoohoo · 29/09/2023 11:43

Your dd is being a normal and slightly annoying 7 year old. Your partner is an adult who should be able to deal with things like the car incident better. While annoying, there's a dozen different ways to deal with things.

It sounds like your dd is being bullied by your partner and personally I would not be able to allow that under my roof.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 29/09/2023 11:46

Your DD should have had headphones in the car. In that situation, if the noise was bothering me I'd absolutely ask her to mute it.

She shouldn't have immediately put her feet on the mat.

He's not reacting appropriately to her, but you need to take a more active role in parenting, and give her some boundaries.

GingerIsBest · 29/09/2023 11:49

On the one hand, I genuinely don't understand why you stayed with a man who didn't like your DD. Unless this issue only started after you had the baby? And it does rather sound like he's very happy to rant and rave and that is absolutely not okay.

Having said that, I think a lot of this behaviour might be normal, but it's also behaviour that should be actively discouraged by you. Children listening to loud YouTube videos or Netflix in the car isn't okay - the solution is to get them headphones or insist they keep the volume lower. Putting feet on the baby's play gym mat, particularly when asked not to, is also not okay.

I'm not massively sympathetic when people say, "oh, there's no point telling her off in the moment, I'll talk to her later."

LookingForPurpose · 29/09/2023 11:52

"I love my daughter more than words can say and if it continues I feel that I will have to end our relationship."

But this can't be true as you have allowed this man to treat her terribly since she was FOUR years old. It's no wonder she is acting the way she is, in her eyes not only has he treated her terribly and she's the only one that gets shouted at constantly by him but now you have gone and replaced her with his kid. Your poor little girl, I'd be having temper tantrums too.

Venturini · 29/09/2023 12:03

She sounds perfectly normal. He sounds like a cunt. If you really want the best for your daughter you will end it and keep her away from this man.

Venturini · 29/09/2023 12:04

And yes I feel for her having been subjected to him since she was FOUR. What possessed you to have a kid with him.

Goldbar · 29/09/2023 12:05

He sounds dreadful. Why have you put up with your DD being treated in this way for so long? I try not to question people's family decisions - hindsight is a great thing and all that - but you say he was like this even before the baby.

DonaNobisPacem · 29/09/2023 12:07

She sounds like a completely normal child, he sounds like a bullying man-child. I'd end it.

Enko · 29/09/2023 12:07

GingerIsBest · 29/09/2023 11:49

On the one hand, I genuinely don't understand why you stayed with a man who didn't like your DD. Unless this issue only started after you had the baby? And it does rather sound like he's very happy to rant and rave and that is absolutely not okay.

Having said that, I think a lot of this behaviour might be normal, but it's also behaviour that should be actively discouraged by you. Children listening to loud YouTube videos or Netflix in the car isn't okay - the solution is to get them headphones or insist they keep the volume lower. Putting feet on the baby's play gym mat, particularly when asked not to, is also not okay.

I'm not massively sympathetic when people say, "oh, there's no point telling her off in the moment, I'll talk to her later."

I agree with this.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 29/09/2023 12:08

He sounds vile.

Shufflebumnessie · 29/09/2023 12:09

Just your title alone makes me feel so sorry for your daughter. Your partner is a bully and your 7 year old has been subjected to that consistently over the past 3 years that he's been in her life. No wonder she is 'difficult' if she bears the brunt of his targeted negative behaviours. It sounds as though he has singled her out and that is not going to change. How long before it escalates and he ends up physically hurting her because "she provoked him"? Things will not improve and if you really love your daughter you will protect her from the long term damage that being subject to constant bullying will cause. You need to leave the shit of a man that you call your partner and put your daughter's wellbeing first.

Blough · 29/09/2023 12:11

Her behaviour will be worse because she doesn't feel safe on her own home, having an unrelated male moved in and he's been bullying the child for years..that's brutal. Ranting bullying for an hour? Read up on what emotional abuse does to a child, the impacts it has on brain development, what impact it'll have on her as an adult.

Mariposista · 29/09/2023 12:12

The sneeze is an accident - we are all caught off guard by a sudden sneeze sometimes.
putting her feel on something she was ASKED NOT TO and not using headphones - that is defiance.

BluebellsForest · 29/09/2023 12:14

She accidently sneezed next to the babies crib he went crazy because she didn't cover her mouth but he went to the extreme. He then continues to rant for an hour about how bad her is.

This will be damaging her now. Your DC need you to get them away from this man. Truly. However hard it is.