My partner can't tolerate my daughters behaviour

[Pinkshamrock15]

I have two daughters from a previous relationship aged 11 and 7. My eldest daughter is an "easy" and very lovely child, whereas her sister is also an amazing child but far more head strong and can be difficult at times. If she doesn't get her own way she will sometimes have temper tantrums, she might have to be asked numerous times to do something and is clumsy and genuinely doesn't think about the consequences of her actions. She is very good at school with no complaints ever. Family are aware her behaviour can be very difficult too but when she is great she is amazing. I find the best way to deal with her behaviour is to wait to sit her down to talk about it rather than shouting or making her feel "cornered" when people are trying to tell her off because she is a very kind and sensitive child.

My partner and I recently had a baby. Previous to having our daughter he has found it very difficult to tolerate her behaviour. An example that when she was playing on my phone on a long drive to go on holiday (4 hours) he couldn't tolerate listening to what she was watching so escalated it by turning up the radio and a huge argument began. When she wanted to lye on the babies jungle gym he said don't put your feet on it which then only made her want to put her feet on it. She accidently sneezed next to the babies crib he went crazy because she didn't cover her mouth but he went to the extreme. He then continues to rant for an hour about how bad her is. I try and take a fair stance and explain his handling of the situations are wrong and he would be better to sit and calmly explain why she shouldn't do something as getting cross only makes her worse.

I love my daughter more than words can say and if it continues I feel that I will have to end our relationship.

Yes I agree. OP should have made her wear headphones at the start of the journey.

I don't think he is a bully. I think he sounds frustrated and fed up that after 3 years, your method has not resulted in better behaviour from a pushy child who needs stricter boundaries.
You need to both be on the same page when it comes to parenting. He cannot over react with her and you cannot be so gentle when that method clearly isn't resolving anything.

I agree about his frustration and the need for both parents to be on the same page. However, I do feel he is actually bullying his stepdaughter, and if this continues the consequences will most certainly be serious.

I think both parents could benefit from parenting classes, but especially him. I would make it a condition of continuing the relationship as I fear that his uncontrolled behaviour could escalate.

Better no man then the wrong man - and your partner clearly sounds like a wrong one.

How can you just let him emotionally abuse your child like that? No child deserves this.

No child is perfect, and your DD has gone through I’m assuming yours & her fathers relationship breakup, starting school, your new partner who clearly resents her and now a new sibling after being your baby for 7 years.

Do better by her.

Ffs another of these threads. The cunt already dislikes you daughter and you think having a baby with him is a way to improve things?

Why do so many adults put their sex life before the wellbeing of the us children.

I don't get the impression this is literally 3-4 examples of DD7 pushing her luck and DP overreacting hence no, I don't have boundless sympathy for DP or OP. If he wasn't cut out for taking on 2 kids one of you should have noted that incompatibility, not let it affect the child.

I get the impression it is an ongoing case of OP not managing DD7's behaviour well, both good and bad, OP and DP comparing her unfavourably to DD4 who is a much more placid little character and instead of accepting they each require different things from their caregivers, othering DD7 and bumping their heads against 'but DD4 is 'good' so why is DD7 not exactly the same? Why is she more challenging? Why should we have to think this through and come up with strategies instead of expecting her to 'correct' her 'bad' personality herself? It isn't fair on us'.

She was only 4 when you got together so maybe some of her behaviour is reactive to his treatment and your ineffectuality in mediating between your daughter and partner.

I think you should have a very serious conversation about how not to turn her into a scapegoat here because it sounds very possible. Family counselling? Let DP know you are willing to prioritise your daughter if need be. You both need to be the adults here and take control. She's playing music? Headphones. Won't take her feet off the mat? Out of the baby's nursery, not a wild rant. Set some boundaries with appropriate, adult responses if she doesn't respond first time.

She could be neurodivergent. Some of these appear to be neurodivergent traits.

The noise from the phone on the car journey, it would do my head in and you should have taught your Daughter that not everyone can handle the screeching from a video on a phone, you should have bought headphones. No she shouldn't put her feet on the baby mat. If she has been told not to do something does she always do it anyway and do you always just let her away with it ? Yes she is 7 but you need to remind her how to behave. Of course having a new siling must be hard for her as she is not the baby anymore. You need to sit down with your Partner and discuss this and ask him why he is short with her, maybe you let her away with far too much or maybe he is worried about the baby, either way yo need to talk.

To the people pointing out that the daughter's behaviour is not great, that may be true. But this wee girl in her short life has seen her parents separate, her mother move a new partner into HER home and now a new sibling. That is a lot to go through in a short time.

Once again I'm wondering why somebody has prioritised finding a new relationship over stability for their existing children.

It sounds like few things at play,

Your partner has no understanding of acceptable behaviour/attitude in parenting young children nor basic problem solving.

You seem to have no created or enforced any boundaries with either of them, there should be basic consequences for dd7 behaviour, remove her from the babies mat, remove her from the cot, let her know within her understanding what is expected of her behaviour.

From the beginning you should've explained that shouting and screaming from your partner is unacceptable. Why was the car situation allowed to escalate for so long?
did no one ask her to turn it down, give her your headphones?

You need to sit and have real conversation with him and ask what his expectations are re- DD7 behaviour and you need to let DD7 know how you expect her to behave and what consequences are for deliberate rudeness?

you need to stand up to both of them and take control of the situation, even if you leave dd7s behaviour will still be an issue AND will be harder to manage with and newborn and alone.

As soon as people say 'my child is clumsy' I immediately think - possible dyspraxia? It's rarely mentioned as an issue by parents, so when it is I always wonder if there's something more going on (as there was for my diagnosed and clumsy ds).

Having meltdowns at 7 is unusual IMO, but if she's ND then it would be a lot less unusual. She also genuinely may have no idea of the consequences of her actions.

I don't understand though OP why you would have a baby with a man who is so intolerant, already had issues with your daughters behaviour and handles it in a very childish manner.

He is abusing your 7yr old daughter and has been since she was 4- almost half her entire life. He already has you thinking that she is a “difficult” child.

Please put your children first and dump him. Get him to move out. There is no excuse for how he is treating her at all and it will only get worse.

Thanks for your replies some of them are extremely harsh and maybe deserved. I probably do let my daughter away with things too much sometimes and my parenting could improve with better boundaries. That said, I agree with what you say and allowing his behaviour is neglectful and unfair regardless of how bad her behaviour has been. I think its unfair of some of the posters to insist I have put him/my relationship before my 7 year old as that's not true. I wouldn't have posted if that was the case and I think I was looking for validation that I am right in my thinking.

She also genuinely may have no idea of the consequences of her actions.

How can she when since she was 4 her step father is so unpredictable and unhinged around her? How would she know just watching a show on her mums phone on a car trip would kick him off? How would she know a random sneeze would result in being verbally abused for over an hour? The poor child has no idea what little thing will cause her step father to go off on a rage and rant against her. She is living every day in fear of his next explosion.

So you have let your daughter live with this vile man for 3 years?

A grown man who seems to intensely dislike your child and bullies her?

Seriously remove both your kids from that environment.

I never understand how a parent allows a partner to treat their child poorly...

With regards to the car incident, I can see why that irritated him. She could wear headphones if she wants to listen to something in the car, especially if he is driving he needs not to be distracted and I wouldn’t like someone listen to something out loud in the back of my car while I drove. He probably shouldn’t have turned the music up in rebellion, I would have just said she needs to mute it, or put headphones in, but then would you have had an issue with that as well? It seems like you don’t want him to parent your child at all, but you’re living as a family now and share another child, you’re either a team or you aren’t.

The jungle gym, she’s 7, not 3, if she’s told not to put her feet on something she should know not to do that. If she doesn’t know she has to follow an instruction from a parent then your “sit down and talk” etc isn’t working? Those 2 things (the gym and the sneezing next to the crib) quite honestly just seems like him being concerned for the baby. I don’t know many parents of new baby’s who wouldn’t be irate about someone sneezing in the crib or putting their dirty feet on the baby’s play area? Is this his first baby? If so, you need to think back to when you were first a new parent. Especially now there is massive worry about germs etc, you’ve been through it before but he hasn’t. He probably has a lot more anxiety around it than you do as you have the benefit and confidence of experience behind you.

He shouldn’t be ranting for an hour about it, but if this kind of thing is happening every day then it’s clear your methods aren’t working so I can see why he might be getting a bit irritated by your “lets have a chat” and then nothing changing.

*As soon as people say 'my child is clumsy' I immediately think - possible dyspraxia? It's rarely mentioned as an issue by parents, so when it is I always wonder if there's something more going on (as there was for my diagnosed and clumsy ds).

Having meltdowns at 7 is unusual IMO, but if she's ND then it would be a lot less unusual. She also genuinely may have no idea of the consequences of her actions.

I don't understand though OP why you would have a baby with a man who is so intolerant, already had issues with your daughters behaviour and handles it in a very childish manner.
*
I don't see why her behaviour means she is likely to be ND. I mean she could be but isn't she far more likely to be a reaction to the upheaval and lack of stability she's experienced in her short life?

Unpopular opinion:
This situation has arisen from you making a series of poor life choices and decisions.

You didn't address his poor behaviour when it first arose or break up with him.
Instead you let it drift on, condoned it through silence and THEN to top it off tied your 2 children's lives to his indefinitely by having a third child with this man.

The timeline of your relationship is really problematic.

3 years means you got pregnant at around the 2 year mark and presumably didn't get pregnant first go so were trying from like 18m ish?
That is an incredibly short timeline for someone who is childless.. let alone someone who already has two children.

You also introduced and moved in / moved him in presumably before the baby was born (so under 2 years?) Again ridiculously short timeline for someone with 2 children.

You are now in a really difficult situation because of your choices.
You have a baby (presumably on mat leave?) so can't easily leave and need support (financial and practical) meaning you are letting your DD be emotionally damaged by an abuser you brought into her life.

You are choosing a man over your child. That's not okay.

You have to resolve this. Either he does a complete 180 works on building a good relationship with your DD and learns to check his temper or you need to leave him.

Sigh. That other thread with the woman who has older kids with an abusive dad and wants a new baby with her partner of a year - she should read this. Why do women insist on having a baby far too soon with every new man.

Of course OP you need to support your daughter.

I think it'll be a pretty popular opinion with everyone but the OP.

@Mrsttcno1
With regards to the car incident, I can see why that irritated him. She could wear headphones if she wants to listen to something in the car, especially if he is driving he needs not to be distracted and I wouldn’t like someone listen to something out loud in the back of my car while I drove. He probably shouldn’t have turned the music up in rebellion, I would have just said she needs to mute it, or put headphones in, but then would you have had an issue with that as well? It seems like you don’t want him to parent your child at all, but you’re living as a family now and share another child, you’re either a team or you aren’t.

If he's driving and needs not to be distracted then he would have to be an actual imbecile to think turning up the radio was the answer to that. As would all the posters tying themselves up in knots to defend the behaviour of an angry and immature grown-ass adult. Unbelievable!

Feel very sorry for a little 7 year old child in this situation. None of her behaviour sounds out of the ordinary to me but it's not easy being a middle child with a favoured older sibling and now a new baby in the family.

Have you ever tried to drive with one song on the radio, and another song/dialogue/noise playing repeatedly behind your head? So you can hear both at once?

Most people have no issue at all driving along with the radio on, I don’t, I can concentrate perfectly fine with the radio on and concentrating on the road. But if I had the radio on listening to a song, and then my partner in the seat behind me had a different song on and I can hear parts of both? No chance I could concentrate as easily like that and it would irritate me, it’s called auditory overload/sensitivity, hearing multiple competing noises at the same time is very different to just having 1 song on the radio.

Of course I have. But I'm an intelligent adult. I would never be so stupid as to think that turning up the volume on the radio is the answer to auditory overload. Is that really what you would do? And then have a full on row about it? Whilst driving?

I suspect that in your hurry to counter my argument, you haven't really thought yours through properly.

It's not that he should have put up with the noise, it's that his reaction to it was idiotic. Why are you defending it?

I agree. His behavior needs to change. But your parenting needs to change also. The sad thing us this situation will no doubt cause issues between dd2 and your new baby. I wish you good luck

If he was driving it was up to him what was listened to. Dd could have used headphones.