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Original poster

My partner can't tolerate my daughters behaviour

189 replies

Pinkshamrock15 · 29/09/2023 11:07

I have two daughters from a previous relationship aged 11 and 7. My eldest daughter is an "easy" and very lovely child, whereas her sister is also an amazing child but far more head strong and can be difficult at times. If she doesn't get her own way she will sometimes have temper tantrums, she might have to be asked numerous times to do something and is clumsy and genuinely doesn't think about the consequences of her actions. She is very good at school with no complaints ever. Family are aware her behaviour can be very difficult too but when she is great she is amazing. I find the best way to deal with her behaviour is to wait to sit her down to talk about it rather than shouting or making her feel "cornered" when people are trying to tell her off because she is a very kind and sensitive child.

My partner and I recently had a baby. Previous to having our daughter he has found it very difficult to tolerate her behaviour. An example that when she was playing on my phone on a long drive to go on holiday (4 hours) he couldn't tolerate listening to what she was watching so escalated it by turning up the radio and a huge argument began. When she wanted to lye on the babies jungle gym he said don't put your feet on it which then only made her want to put her feet on it. She accidently sneezed next to the babies crib he went crazy because she didn't cover her mouth but he went to the extreme. He then continues to rant for an hour about how bad her is. I try and take a fair stance and explain his handling of the situations are wrong and he would be better to sit and calmly explain why she shouldn't do something as getting cross only makes her worse.

I love my daughter more than words can say and if it continues I feel that I will have to end our relationship.

OP posts:
OwlOfBrown · 29/09/2023 20:18

aSofaNearYou · 29/09/2023 19:48

So are you suggesting that simply turning up the volume on the radio is a good enough indication to a 7 year old that they shouldn't listen to the phone anymore? No talking to the child. No discussion. No request. No "You can listen for 1 more minute and then need to turn it off". Just that suddenly with no notice you can't hear it anymore? Because in that case, we will have to disagree on parenting methods. I would never ever think that would be an appropriate parenting technique. It is basic parenting to inform your children ahead of a change in rules.

Both DP and I have on occasion turned the radio up to drown out noise from the back, yes, I'm not seeing the big deal there. Presumably, what then ensued was "hey, turn that down, I can't hear my phone", "the noise is very annoying, I want you to turn it off now", then the child arguing back. I would not expect my child to argue with me in those circumstances, I would expect them to respect me saying they should turn it off.

I have never turned the volume up on the radio to drown out noise from the back of the car. To me it seems to be a really silly thing to do. Listening to loud music is proven to increase the risk of accidents. Why anyone would do that with their kids in the car is quite frankly beyond me.

Why would you expect your child to respect you when you haven't shown them any respect? The best way to teach children to behave well is to model that behaviour to them. I'm not saying that they shouldn't turn their phone off at all but the request shouldn't come completely out of the blue and should come with some dialogue (i.e. "I'd like you to turn that off when you get to the end of this clip/song").

rwalker · 29/09/2023 20:18

Moonshine160 · 29/09/2023 19:20

He can’t tolerate her sneezing? She’s 7 years old. He sounds horrendous.

I think you have to look at the whole picture not an individual sneeze
it’s an accumulation of behavioural issues that lead to that reaction not to single incident of a sneeze

OwlOfBrown · 29/09/2023 20:22

Its5656 · 29/09/2023 20:14

That I'm big your small so do as I say style of parenting is so out dated, Mainly because it doesn't work.
Op what does your dd bio dad have to say about the fact that his 7 year old daughter can't sneeze with your shitty bullying boyfriend slagging her off for an hour?

That I'm big your small so do as I say style of parenting is so out dated

Apparently not, unfortunately. It seems to be alive and well on this thread.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

11 year olds Families General parenting
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 29/09/2023 20:27

He sounds horrible the way he is treating her as even though she is acting out he is the adult and should talk to her calmly. He spent an hour going on about her sneezing near the cot, I would have told him to just leave and to cop on, she is still a child and needs you to protect her as he seems to take any opportunity to have a go at her and that is not how he should be handling the behaviour of your daughter.
You need to sit down with him and tell him to stop being so hard on her and to talk to her calmly or else he will be leaving as your daughter will be affected by the way he treats her and will feel so different and will have shame and low confidence.
Also please sit down with your daughter and tell her how much you love her and talk calmly to her also and ask her how she feels about your partner.

I would have kicked him out ages ago before I even had a baby with him.
You have to be on her side and take control of the situation. I am so angry on behalf of your daughter as she still is a child and is being bullied in her own home.

HeadNorth · 29/09/2023 21:17

Some children can be tricky and unlikeable. Our youngest, who is an incredible and wonderful adult, was often an annoying handful. Fortunately for her, her father loved her while admitting he found her difficult. Imagine if he was some random bloke I had brought into her life?

Your daughter has no choices. None. She is forced to live with the consequences of your choices. Have you really made good choices for her? Children should have space to be awkward and annoying because parents love them unconditionally. Introduce a non-parent and the awkward kids are doomed. He doesn’t love your daughter and she is at an unlikeable stage. Who is responsible for finding a solution? Your daughter can’t because, I repeat, she has no choices. She has to live with yours.

aSofaNearYou · 29/09/2023 22:58

I have never turned the volume up on the radio to drown out noise from the back of the car. To me it seems to be a really silly thing to do. Listening to loud music is proven to increase the risk of accidents. Why anyone would do that with their kids in the car is quite frankly beyond me.

Ok, I think you are seriously making a mountain out a molehill here.

Why would you expect your child to respect you when you haven't shown them any respect? The best way to teach children to behave well is to model that behaviour to them. I'm not saying that they shouldn't turn their phone off at all but the request shouldn't come completely out of the blue and should come with some dialogue (i.e. "I'd like you to turn that off when you get to the end of this clip/song"

It's quite simple to me. My child knows I might say it's fine for them to watch/listen to something, but if I say it's time to turn it off, they need to respect it. I don't see any particular disrespect there. Obviously they have their moments but generally speaking, it wouldn't be appropriate for them to have a huge argument on the topic. Sometimes they might ask to finish the small thing they're watching/listening to, but it wouldn't be a shouting match and if it was, they'd be in trouble.

OwlOfBrown · 29/09/2023 23:33

It's quite simple to me. My child knows I might say it's fine for them to watch/listen to something, but if I say it's time to turn it off, they need to respect it. I don't see any particular disrespect there. Obviously they have their moments but generally speaking, it wouldn't be appropriate for them to have a huge argument on the topic. Sometimes they might ask to finish the small thing they're watching/listening to, but it wouldn't be a shouting match and if it was, they'd be in trouble.

Well, if you change the details to make it seem reasonable then it will seem reasonable. But as you and I know perfectly well, the scenario above is not the one we were discussing. Obviously if you say it's time to turn it off, then the child needs to turn it off and no, that isn't disrespectful. But, as you are well aware, I was referring to the scenario where turning up the volume on the radio is used in lieu of any other form of communication.

You can think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill all you like. I am never going to be impressed by anyone who feels it necessary to drown out the sound of their own children by turning up the music in the car.

Venturini · 30/09/2023 07:06

HeadNorth · 29/09/2023 21:17

Some children can be tricky and unlikeable. Our youngest, who is an incredible and wonderful adult, was often an annoying handful. Fortunately for her, her father loved her while admitting he found her difficult. Imagine if he was some random bloke I had brought into her life?

Your daughter has no choices. None. She is forced to live with the consequences of your choices. Have you really made good choices for her? Children should have space to be awkward and annoying because parents love them unconditionally. Introduce a non-parent and the awkward kids are doomed. He doesn’t love your daughter and she is at an unlikeable stage. Who is responsible for finding a solution? Your daughter can’t because, I repeat, she has no choices. She has to live with yours.

👆👆👆

aSofaNearYou · 30/09/2023 07:41

OwlOfBrown · 29/09/2023 23:33

It's quite simple to me. My child knows I might say it's fine for them to watch/listen to something, but if I say it's time to turn it off, they need to respect it. I don't see any particular disrespect there. Obviously they have their moments but generally speaking, it wouldn't be appropriate for them to have a huge argument on the topic. Sometimes they might ask to finish the small thing they're watching/listening to, but it wouldn't be a shouting match and if it was, they'd be in trouble.

Well, if you change the details to make it seem reasonable then it will seem reasonable. But as you and I know perfectly well, the scenario above is not the one we were discussing. Obviously if you say it's time to turn it off, then the child needs to turn it off and no, that isn't disrespectful. But, as you are well aware, I was referring to the scenario where turning up the volume on the radio is used in lieu of any other form of communication.

You can think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill all you like. I am never going to be impressed by anyone who feels it necessary to drown out the sound of their own children by turning up the music in the car.

Oh For Christ's Sake must we go around in circles? OP said a huge argument ensued after he turned the music up, an argument that presumably included him saying that the phone was too loud and should be turned off. It would be odd if it didn't. Other than it being ineffective, I do not remotely see what the fuss is about with him having turned the radio up first.

MooMa83 · 30/09/2023 08:14

I completely sympathise. I have a 7 year old DD who sounds exactly like yours! My husband (who is her Dad) just does not know how to handle her and we have ended up with similar situations. However he is trying.....he's currently reading 123 Magic and we are trying those strategies. I can see he is trying to change his approach, but ultimately they are like chalk and cheese. It is very hard to be in the middle. A few weeks back I was in bed and I heard him roaring at her....it was awful. I have told him that this is abuse and I will not tolerate it...any more incidences i will protect her and he's leaving. I think this has hit home and since then he's been working more on his parenting and their relationship. Maybe you need to lay it on the line like this. We also have a baby so i understand how hard this is. Good luck xxx

OwlOfBrown · 30/09/2023 08:21

aSofaNearYou · 30/09/2023 07:41

Oh For Christ's Sake must we go around in circles? OP said a huge argument ensued after he turned the music up, an argument that presumably included him saying that the phone was too loud and should be turned off. It would be odd if it didn't. Other than it being ineffective, I do not remotely see what the fuss is about with him having turned the radio up first.

Show quote history

We don't have to keep going round in circles if you don't want. You don't have to keep responding to me.

I think the action of turning up the radio instead of having a conversation with the child about turning their phone off or down displays distinct levels of immaturity and childishness. You think it's a perfectly acceptable way to behave. I appreciate that you've said it's something you've done so I understand why you're defensive but I'm not going to change my mind. It's an immature way to behave.

aSofaNearYou · 30/09/2023 08:25

I think the action of turning up the radio instead of having a conversation with the child about turning their phone off or down displays distinct levels of immaturity and childishness. You think it's a perfectly acceptable way to behave. I appreciate that you've said it's something you've done so I understand why you're defensive but I'm not going to change my mind. It's an immature way to behave.

I'm not defensive about it I just think it's a total non event. There are things worth focusing on in the OP but this isn't one of them.

MrsMarzetti · 30/09/2023 08:33

loislovesstewie · 29/09/2023 16:18

I would have pulled over at the next safe place, asked the little one to put on headphones and explained that it was hard for me to concentrate when I could hear the sound from her phone.

In a perfect world that would be the way to do it but there are not too many places on a motorway to do that. Sometimes you need to act now not in 20 minutes.

Livinghappy · 30/09/2023 08:33

Is there a bio dad on the scene? You met your partner when your daughter was 4, so almost half her life has been spent with a man, who you know doesn't care for her. Your children get one childhood.

You mention she is clumsy - that may not be something she can help - but it seems her behaviour is worse at home that school. Could that be because at school she has kindness, boundaries and support?

OwlOfBrown · 30/09/2023 09:45

aSofaNearYou · 30/09/2023 08:25

I think the action of turning up the radio instead of having a conversation with the child about turning their phone off or down displays distinct levels of immaturity and childishness. You think it's a perfectly acceptable way to behave. I appreciate that you've said it's something you've done so I understand why you're defensive but I'm not going to change my mind. It's an immature way to behave.

I'm not defensive about it I just think it's a total non event. There are things worth focusing on in the OP but this isn't one of them.

So perhaps you would be better concentrating on what you think is relevant in the OP and leave me to concentrate on what I consider relevant? I'm afraid you can't dictate to other posters what they should and should not think is important. We're not your children.

aSofaNearYou · 30/09/2023 09:51

So perhaps you would be better concentrating on what you think is relevant in the OP and leave me to concentrate on what I consider relevant? I'm afraid you can't dictate to other posters what they should and should not think is important. We're not your children.

eerm, you seem to have forgotten that this back and forth started with you responding to MY comment, which was directed at the OP, to tell me what your opinion was, not the other way around. So that comment would be better directed at yourself.

Embarrassing when that happens, I know.

OwlOfBrown · 30/09/2023 10:09

aSofaNearYou · 30/09/2023 09:51

So perhaps you would be better concentrating on what you think is relevant in the OP and leave me to concentrate on what I consider relevant? I'm afraid you can't dictate to other posters what they should and should not think is important. We're not your children.

eerm, you seem to have forgotten that this back and forth started with you responding to MY comment, which was directed at the OP, to tell me what your opinion was, not the other way around. So that comment would be better directed at yourself.

Embarrassing when that happens, I know.

Ah, I see. The old playground 'Well, you started it' response. How very childish.

aSofaNearYou · 30/09/2023 10:18

Ah, I see. The old playground 'Well, you started it' response. How very childish

Childish seems to be your go to insult. It's pretty hypocritical and daft to accuse someone of trying to tell others what they should or shouldn't be bothered by when they never actually said anything to you and the whole conversation has in fact been you trying to tell them you don't agree with their opinion that they aren't bothered by something. Some self awareness rather than just "everyone is childish apart from me" would be really good here.

MummaMandy333 · 02/10/2023 06:45

Firstly, well done for noticing this and doing something to address it.
As a child my stepfather bullied me relentlessly. It was abuse. My mother did nothing and I now have all sorts of issues surrounding being abused.
I'm going to be honest. If he is the type of man who feels good being so cruel to a child because it isn't his, than talking to him won't help. He will only "pretend" to be nice when you're around and be his usual piggy self when you leave.
I'm sure your daughter is already frightened of him. I'm sure alot of her behaviour is probably due to him constantly belittling her.
I would leave him. Your kids come first. He come into YOUR life. He had to adapt to YOUR family. Not make your child , that was there before him feel unwelcome in her own home... it's the worst feeling a child can ever have. I remember it well and still cry over it. You can stop this...Save her mumma x

karenR1662 · 02/10/2023 06:59

Where is this child's Biological Father ,
As a Child i was the oldest and had a Younger sibling My mother did the same as you describe here My stepfather was fine till as My granny said he got his feet under the table then this started his constant berating of me and My out of control behaviour ,They had a child and it was his first and they wrapped it in cotton wool while I was allowed to be feral as long as I was out of the House.
I ended up in care as he said Mother couldn't control me But I was happier out playing in the street anything to get away from the constant arguments that happened when I walked into My home .Don't allow this to continue or you could end up with the same ,My Biological father had a new wife so I was not welcome there either .You need family counselling But I bet he wont want to go for that as hes got No problems .Good Luck its a really hard one But Dont allow your child to be Abused

WanderinStar · 02/10/2023 07:01

Google "mother's boyfriend" have a read, then leave this man

AlishaMay · 02/10/2023 07:13

Hi possibly look into adhd as you mentioned she has tantrums and is sensitive will do things even when told no. Myself, my partner, some members in his family and my family have adhd and so do my children. For example his 10 year old sister can come across as sensative, annoying, very forgetful, does the oppersite of what she is told and she's always losing things but it's just her adhd. I was fine through school at home I'd throw tantrums if I didnt get my own way and have outbursts as females don't show symptoms as being hyperactive as boys do. You can speak to the doctor once they are 7 years old then assessments can begin at school.

Pat59 · 02/10/2023 07:16

Get your daughter tested for autism my daughter was like that especially in her teen years,my daughter went to college and university,where the tutor told her she was autistic,the school and doctors blamed me moving away from where she was born 150miles to where we are now,but it was autism.

George1999 · 02/10/2023 07:27

Sounds as though if you don't take your daughter in hand and stop her ridiculous behaviour he'll end the relationship before you do. Sounds as though you're letting a seven year old rule yours and his lives. Seven year olds don't rule other people's lives. Sounds like he's perfectly justified

AnythingBUTnursing · 02/10/2023 07:39

Leave. Imagine what he is capable of if you are not around to oversee this. No way would I let another man parent my child in that manner. She needs protecting from this man. Sounds like she is an inconvenience and in his way. That's probably how she feels and she will rebell big time when she is older and she will be harder to control, therfore so will his temper and attitude towards her.