My partner can't tolerate my daughters behaviour

[Pinkshamrock15]

I have two daughters from a previous relationship aged 11 and 7. My eldest daughter is an "easy" and very lovely child, whereas her sister is also an amazing child but far more head strong and can be difficult at times. If she doesn't get her own way she will sometimes have temper tantrums, she might have to be asked numerous times to do something and is clumsy and genuinely doesn't think about the consequences of her actions. She is very good at school with no complaints ever. Family are aware her behaviour can be very difficult too but when she is great she is amazing. I find the best way to deal with her behaviour is to wait to sit her down to talk about it rather than shouting or making her feel "cornered" when people are trying to tell her off because she is a very kind and sensitive child.

My partner and I recently had a baby. Previous to having our daughter he has found it very difficult to tolerate her behaviour. An example that when she was playing on my phone on a long drive to go on holiday (4 hours) he couldn't tolerate listening to what she was watching so escalated it by turning up the radio and a huge argument began. When she wanted to lye on the babies jungle gym he said don't put your feet on it which then only made her want to put her feet on it. She accidently sneezed next to the babies crib he went crazy because she didn't cover her mouth but he went to the extreme. He then continues to rant for an hour about how bad her is. I try and take a fair stance and explain his handling of the situations are wrong and he would be better to sit and calmly explain why she shouldn't do something as getting cross only makes her worse.

I love my daughter more than words can say and if it continues I feel that I will have to end our relationship.

I will never understand why some women would put an abusive man before their own child.
Or rather, their own wants before their child's needs.

He is an adult and should know better than to rant at a 7 year old, even when her behaviour is in the wrong.

You said that he found her difficult even before the baby came. I find it hard to understand why you brought another child into this situation. I bet she feels pushed out.

You have behaved abhorrently selfishly op.

Your poor poor daughter.

You should have ended your relationship with this man the first time he bullied her.

I have no words and certainly no sympathy, for a person who went on to have a baby in this situation.

You say you love your daughter, your actions haven't shown it. You've put her second. That's not love.

Kick this awful man out, and start putting your dd first, before you lose her forever.

God that sounds awful. Your daughter is tiny, what must it be doing to her to have this man bullying her? Because that is what it is. If he can't respond to bad behaviour in a proportionate and adult way then he has to go, because he will be damaging her.

Your dp has chosen to take his life's frustration out on your youngest daughter. This is not healthy and you need to protect your daughter from his behaviour. Protect and Parent your child now or you will have to face the repercussions later op. She is a child you are the adult.

I also wouldn't listen to an annoying phone game in a car for four hours or be fine with dirty feet all over where a newborn is lying.

I would hazard a guess that in actuality many parents have told their kids to take their dirty feet off a place they aren't supposed to be or to turn down, end phone time, use headphones etc rather than listening to a repetitive sounds for hours.

I don't know if you let her get away with anything and he has had enough due to the stress of a baby aor if it is just his reaction to each thing that is over the top and you see that in other areas as well.

These threads are always so biased immediately due to the all women are saints and all men are assholes view that permeates this board that often we don't ever really get to the issue or the context as all posters want to do is name call and blame the man.

Fucking hell your poor daughter! Tell him or get rid - she doesn’t deserve to live with someone like that .

You need to end this relationship to protect your daughter.

His campaign of othering and punishing her, especially since this new baby has been brought onto the scene, is going to mess her up, deeply unless you step in now. I fear, sadly, you’ve made a mistake having a child with this man.

If you have a child in meltdown you might as well talk to the wall . Better to wait until they are less overwhelmed to talk about what happened/ consequences

Men who don’t wanna take on other peoples kids shouldn’t go for single mums? Not fucking hard is it.

Why do they do it????? Plenty of child free women out there. Your 7 year old shouldn’t suffer.

So he's always struggled with her?

I'll get castigated for this, but what the hell were you thinking??

Why was he in her life?

Get him gone. Now

Not 'if it continues' because it will. Why would you expect a miraculous change?

And I hope your baby stays calm otherwise god help them when they're older!

He sounds horrendous.
Your dd is 7. She’s had 3 years of this oaf and now you have a new baby to push her further away. Part of her behaviour is because she wants attention; from you, not this bully.

Poor child, it’s hardly surprising she’s having meltdowns, it’s the only way to get you to listen and give her attention.

If this is true- then you’re just another woman so desperate for a bloke that you’ve shacked up with the first wanker that came along, regardless of the shitty way he treats your kids. He’s a bully and you’ve got your priorities all wrong.

I have my granddaughters a lot, and if they’re listening to or watching something on a device I give them headphones. Why didn’t you just do that?
He sounds pretty intolerant though. I am glad you want to put your daughter first as that’s how it should be. If he continues like this there will end up being a treading on eggshells atmosphere and that’s no good to anyone. You need to explain this to him. Your daughter might be testing boundaries because she is jealous of the new baby. She’s been the youngest for seven years and now she isn’t anymore. Of course she’s not going to be an angel. But your partner needs to understand this too. If he can’t then you may have to consider separation.

I'm shocked you had a child with a man who clearly dislikes your other child.

It bothers me so much when women just have children with anyone without thinking of the consequences.

OP's child was being noisy in the car, not having a meltdown. Ditto the feet - she was asked not to do it, she did it anyway.

There's a difference between things escalating into a meltdown and nipping things in the bud.

There's also a huge difference between being a normal parent and ranting for an hour because someone sneezed.

@GingerIsBest
I'm not massively sympathetic when people say, "oh, there's no point telling her off in the moment, I'll talk to her later."

I don't think you understand what this actually means in practice.

It doesn't mean you let the behaviour carry on without saying anything. You stop the behaviour but you don't have a long discussion trying to reason with a child in the heat of the moment. It means however, that later on, when everything has died down, you have a quiet, calm, and reasonable discussion with the child to explain why what they did wasn't ok and, crucially, you listen to your child and allow them to have a chance to explain. And it gives the adult a chance to review their reaction too - adults make mistakes too.

The OP does not say her child was being noisy in the car. She says her partner couldn't tolerate what the child was listening to so turned the radio volume up. So a grown man behaves like a fucking toddler and the 7-year old child is in the wrong? Are you actually serious?

I can relate to your partners concerns. He's just had a baby with you (his first)? And he is feelong protective over his new born.
I would tell my own daughter not to do particular things around my new born, I'd teach her to cough into her elbow or a tissue, keep her hands clean if my daughter was bare footed on the baby gym id put clean socks on her if i was you, this is to reassure your partner you are there support him through his anxious moments. The baby is vulnerable and i completely understand why your partner would make these comments. He has anxieties! That's where his anger will boil from. You do need to help by explaining to your daughter how to behave around a newborn. Good luck.

There's no excuse for emotionally abusing a child, even if the man chose to have a kid of his own.

Three years too late. Better late than never I suppose but what were and are you thinking to put a man before your kids?

So your 7 year old daughter has a brand new baby sibling and is living with a grown man who is no relation to her who hates her.

99.9 % of 7 year olds would be struggling with this dynamic.

And the other 0.01% would grow up to be people pleasers to the millionth degree at their own cost.

Totally this (and I wouldn't usually be so harsh). You should have picked up on his behaviour before^ you decided to get totally enmeshed and have a child with him.

Your daughter is now in for a lifetime of bullying.