My partner can't tolerate my daughters behaviour

[Pinkshamrock15]

I have two daughters from a previous relationship aged 11 and 7. My eldest daughter is an "easy" and very lovely child, whereas her sister is also an amazing child but far more head strong and can be difficult at times. If she doesn't get her own way she will sometimes have temper tantrums, she might have to be asked numerous times to do something and is clumsy and genuinely doesn't think about the consequences of her actions. She is very good at school with no complaints ever. Family are aware her behaviour can be very difficult too but when she is great she is amazing. I find the best way to deal with her behaviour is to wait to sit her down to talk about it rather than shouting or making her feel "cornered" when people are trying to tell her off because she is a very kind and sensitive child.

My partner and I recently had a baby. Previous to having our daughter he has found it very difficult to tolerate her behaviour. An example that when she was playing on my phone on a long drive to go on holiday (4 hours) he couldn't tolerate listening to what she was watching so escalated it by turning up the radio and a huge argument began. When she wanted to lye on the babies jungle gym he said don't put your feet on it which then only made her want to put her feet on it. She accidently sneezed next to the babies crib he went crazy because she didn't cover her mouth but he went to the extreme. He then continues to rant for an hour about how bad her is. I try and take a fair stance and explain his handling of the situations are wrong and he would be better to sit and calmly explain why she shouldn't do something as getting cross only makes her worse.

I love my daughter more than words can say and if it continues I feel that I will have to end our relationship.

As an intelligent adult then I’m sure you understand that auditory overload can be caused by loud noise, however it can also (and in this case) be caused by hearing multiple sounds at once. If the cause of the overload is the latter, then actually turning the radio up drowns the other noise out and thus resolves the issue. If the issue was loud noise, that wouldn’t be the case of course, but if the issue is competing noises, turning one up to override the other resolves that issue.

His reaction may not be what you or I would have done, but I suppose the point is, we aren’t in the situation to know what the alternative options were in that moment. For example if it was me and DH in the car and he was doing this, I’d tell him to turn it off/mute it/put headphones in and he would just do that. But OP has said in her example her child doesn’t follow instructions and wants to do the opposite (he tells he not to put feet on jungle gym, she then wants to do it), so would him asking have worked? Or would OP have criticised him for just asking DD, because she prefers to sit and explain everything?

I’m not saying his behaviour is perfect, but what I’m saying is I don’t think anyone can say they’ve never had a different reaction to something when overwhelmed/overstimulated in a situation.

He sounds like an arsehole, tell him that's she's your daughter and and if you wanted help to deal with her behaviour you will ask for it and he needs to keep his obvious dislike of to himself.

I am seriously wondering about the cognitive ability of posters on this thread.

Of course it was up to him what they listened to. Turning up the radio to drown out other sounds, and starting a full-blown argument whilst driving is not the answer. Why are you suggesting it is? Are you seriously telling me that you think this sort of passive-aggressive, childish, immature behaviour from a grown adult is acceptable? Is that really how you would behave?

Unbelievable!

Go back and read the post from gingerisbest. Set some boundaries for your 7-year-old and stick with them. You seem to think her being delightful and amazing is grounds for not using correct discipline. She's a brat.

As an intelligent adult then I’m sure you understand that auditory overload can be caused by loud noise, however it can also (and in this case) be caused by hearing multiple sounds at once. If the cause of the overload is the latter, then actually turning the radio up drowns the other noise out and thus resolves the issue. If the issue was loud noise, that wouldn’t be the case of course, but if the issue is competing noises, turning one up to override the other resolves that issue.

As an intelligent adult I would turn the radio off to reduce the sensory overload whilst I found somewhere safe to stop and sort out the situation calmly. Turning up the volume on the radio whilst you are driving is never going to be the answer to sensory overload. Ever. As an adult with probably more years of driving experience than you've had on this earth, I can be certain of that.

It is the case though- obviously there has been more than the incidents given in your OP. You have put your relationship above your DD as you had a child with him knowing how he was treating your existing children.

I would have pulled over at the next safe place, asked the little one to put on headphones and explained that it was hard for me to concentrate when I could hear the sound from her phone.

She's not a 'brat', emotional abuse causes all kinds of damage to a child including behaviour issues, a man has been bullying her for years.

obviously I’m in a tiny minority but my kids have absolutely pushed me to the limit and yes I’ve struggled to tolerate it
and more then likely made some poor parenting choices
OP ,partner and other people struggle with her behaviour
addressing this and how to deal with it that should be the priority
you can kick him out but there’s still going to be problems with her behaviour

I think some people have made massive assumptions from the few lines that OP has written

you need to take the lead agree way to handle things

I agree with this tbh. I think threads where someone is described as too strict are quite difficult to draw an accurate conclusion from, because it is subjective. Somebody that was very permissive would naturally consider someone quite average to be too strict. He might be very frustrated by how much you let slide, and the hour long rant might have come from it simply being the straw that broke the camels back.

It sounds like you are not on the same page about parenting and I think you would probably find that if you were a little firmer with your daughter - which it sounds like it would be entirely reasonable to be as some of these behaviours do sound quite naughty and very annoying - he would cope better and a middle ground could be reached. For the sake of your youngest child, it would be a shame to end the relationship without at least trying to reach a compromise.

But equally, someone who is quite strict might consider someone quite average to be overly permissive. It works both ways and since none of us have witnessed the behaviour we can't draw accurate conclusions.

FWIW, I'm a Brownie leader (girls aged 7-10) and from what the OP has described, I can't see that this 7 year old is displaying any particularly naughty behaviour.

But equally, someone who is quite strict might consider someone quite average to be overly permissive. It works both ways and since none of us have witnessed the behaviour we can't draw accurate conclusions.

Yes I agree it goes both ways, that's why I find it too subjective.

FWIW, I'm a Brownie leader (girls aged 7-10) and from what the OP has described, I can't see that this 7 year old is displaying any particularly naughty behaviour.

Nothing shocking, but things I personally would tell a child off for/not allow in the first place. Listening to a phone loudly on a car journey then engaging in an argument when disallowed, doing something because your parent told you not to and that made you want to. These examples do sound annoying and fair enough to tell a child off for imo.

End it with him. If she has to live with him long term, she will have traumatic memories. I imagine he seems less attractive to you now you’ve seen how angry he can be.

Whether the child is 'naughty' or not isn't really the focal point. Her partner 'went crazy' and ranted for an hour over a sneeze.

Is this really the behaviour of a well-adjusted adult who you'd trust to lovingly and maturely parent your child through childhood and beyond?

@aSofaNearYou
Nothing shocking, but things I personally would tell a child off for/not allow in the first place. Listening to a phone loudly on a car journey then engaging in an argument when disallowed, doing something because your parent told you not to and that made you want to. These examples do sound annoying and fair enough to tell a child off for imo.

That isn't the scenario the OP describes though, is it. She doesn't say the DD was told/asked not to listen to the phone loudly and that she disobeyed that request. The first thing that happens in the OP's description is that the partner turns the radio up, seemingly without any warning. That is crap parenting and immature behaviour on the part of the DP. It is bound to cause a reaction from the child since no-one has bothered to explain the boundaries to her before enforcing them.

Listening to the phone in the first place is behaviour I would categorise as "wouldn't have allowed in the first place", not naughty. But OP did say that when he turned the music up "a huge argument began", which I took to mean the child was arguing with him.

Well, ranted at who, the child, or OP? I've ranted to my partner when frustration over his son's behaviour has got too much, it doesn't read to me like he was just ranting about one thing, more an accumulation. And my DP and I happily coparent two children, and he obviously considers me a good parent.

Obviously not great if he ranted directly to the child, but that's not clear.

But it was the OP's phone so unless the 7 year old wrestled it from her grasp, it was behaviour that had been allowed. It makes no difference whether other parents would allow their kids to listen to stuff on a phone when on a long journey or not. This parent did. Then without warning, the partner turns up the radio so the DD can't hear anymore. Of course the DD complained. It's literally Parenting 101 - you don't change the rules with no notice.

But it was the OP's phone so unless the 7 year old wrestled it from her grasp, it was behaviour that had been allowed. It makes no difference whether other parents would allow their kids to listen to stuff on a phone when on a long journey or not. This parent did. Then without warning, the partner turns up the radio so the DD can't hear anymore. Of course the DD complained. It's literally Parenting 101 - you don't change the rules with no notice.

I'm not disputing that, I'm saying I can understand why he would be annoyed that OP would allow that and find it hard to live with. And regardless of whether they'd been allowed before, getting into a huge argument when it's indicated it's time to turn it off is bad behaviour. I would tell my 5 year old off for doing that.

He can’t tolerate her sneezing? She’s 7 years old. He sounds horrendous.

Absolutely this. Since when the hell was sneezing seen as naughty behaviour!
I know it's not easy to leave a relationship but I'd be getting my affairs in order, he clearly doesn't like this little girl.

So are you suggesting that simply turning up the volume on the radio is a good enough indication to a 7 year old that they shouldn't listen to the phone anymore? No talking to the child. No discussion. No request. No "You can listen for 1 more minute and then need to turn it off". Just that suddenly with no notice you can't hear it anymore? Because in that case, we will have to disagree on parenting methods. I would never ever think that would be an appropriate parenting technique. It is basic parenting to inform your children ahead of a change in rules.

If you would find it hard to live with what the OP allows, then the appropriate response would be to have a discussion with the OP. It would never be just to turn the radio up with no notice.

DD could only have used headphones if she had been provided them by one of the adults in the car though.

So are you suggesting that simply turning up the volume on the radio is a good enough indication to a 7 year old that they shouldn't listen to the phone anymore? No talking to the child. No discussion. No request. No "You can listen for 1 more minute and then need to turn it off". Just that suddenly with no notice you can't hear it anymore? Because in that case, we will have to disagree on parenting methods. I would never ever think that would be an appropriate parenting technique. It is basic parenting to inform your children ahead of a change in rules.

Both DP and I have on occasion turned the radio up to drown out noise from the back, yes, I'm not seeing the big deal there. Presumably, what then ensued was "hey, turn that down, I can't hear my phone", "the noise is very annoying, I want you to turn it off now", then the child arguing back. I would not expect my child to argue with me in those circumstances, I would expect them to respect me saying they should turn it off.

That I'm big your small so do as I say style of parenting is so out dated, Mainly because it doesn't work.
Op what does your dd bio dad have to say about the fact that his 7 year old daughter can't sneeze with your shitty bullying boyfriend slagging her off for an hour?