Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

My partner can't tolerate my daughters behaviour

189 replies

Pinkshamrock15 · 29/09/2023 11:07

I have two daughters from a previous relationship aged 11 and 7. My eldest daughter is an "easy" and very lovely child, whereas her sister is also an amazing child but far more head strong and can be difficult at times. If she doesn't get her own way she will sometimes have temper tantrums, she might have to be asked numerous times to do something and is clumsy and genuinely doesn't think about the consequences of her actions. She is very good at school with no complaints ever. Family are aware her behaviour can be very difficult too but when she is great she is amazing. I find the best way to deal with her behaviour is to wait to sit her down to talk about it rather than shouting or making her feel "cornered" when people are trying to tell her off because she is a very kind and sensitive child.

My partner and I recently had a baby. Previous to having our daughter he has found it very difficult to tolerate her behaviour. An example that when she was playing on my phone on a long drive to go on holiday (4 hours) he couldn't tolerate listening to what she was watching so escalated it by turning up the radio and a huge argument began. When she wanted to lye on the babies jungle gym he said don't put your feet on it which then only made her want to put her feet on it. She accidently sneezed next to the babies crib he went crazy because she didn't cover her mouth but he went to the extreme. He then continues to rant for an hour about how bad her is. I try and take a fair stance and explain his handling of the situations are wrong and he would be better to sit and calmly explain why she shouldn't do something as getting cross only makes her worse.

I love my daughter more than words can say and if it continues I feel that I will have to end our relationship.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 29/09/2023 13:16

Cappuccino17 · 29/09/2023 13:04

I can relate to your partners concerns. He's just had a baby with you (his first)? And he is feelong protective over his new born.
I would tell my own daughter not to do particular things around my new born, I'd teach her to cough into her elbow or a tissue, keep her hands clean if my daughter was bare footed on the baby gym id put clean socks on her if i was you, this is to reassure your partner you are there support him through his anxious moments. The baby is vulnerable and i completely understand why your partner would make these comments. He has anxieties! That's where his anger will boil from. You do need to help by explaining to your daughter how to behave around a newborn. Good luck.

What utter bollocks

Holly03 · 29/09/2023 13:19

He is not going to get any better. My mum's dp was like this with me. One time he actually said in front of family he would lie and say I had done something and my mum would believe him as she always had. Family reiterated this and my mum was not happy. I stood there and just took it as I was so used to it being like this and him being believed. The man was a nightmare, safe to say he was like this the whole time and never changed. Shockingly (not!), he has never found himself another relationship since probably due to his behaviour. I can imagine many women would be put off him.

rootsandwings89 · 29/09/2023 13:20

Please leave him, you and your children will be happier without

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

11 year olds Families General parenting
Nanny0gg · 29/09/2023 13:27

Cappuccino17 · 29/09/2023 13:04

I can relate to your partners concerns. He's just had a baby with you (his first)? And he is feelong protective over his new born.
I would tell my own daughter not to do particular things around my new born, I'd teach her to cough into her elbow or a tissue, keep her hands clean if my daughter was bare footed on the baby gym id put clean socks on her if i was you, this is to reassure your partner you are there support him through his anxious moments. The baby is vulnerable and i completely understand why your partner would make these comments. He has anxieties! That's where his anger will boil from. You do need to help by explaining to your daughter how to behave around a newborn. Good luck.

WOW! Just...wow!

So she's got to support a grown man over a 7 year-old child?

123sunshine · 29/09/2023 13:31

I would find your daughters behavious quite difficult/ annoying to be fair and would be frustrated at your failiure to nip it in the bud. I would never allow my kids to play on a phone in a car with the volume up, it would drive me absolutely bonkers, I am really sensitive to noise. It sounds like you allow her to get away with things and make excuses as shes's your daughter and want an easy life, we all do it. Its natural to favour our own kids, this is why blended families are so difficult, I speak from experience!
I think the problem is in blended families is that once the relationship sours between a step parent and child it can be diffciult to come back from.
I think you need a heart to heart with your partner and explain how you feel (as factually and without too much provocation and emotion as possible) then you need to listen to what he says too. I would also be clear to highlight that if you cannot all function as a family then it may be time to call it quits.

areyouhavinglaugh · 29/09/2023 13:33

If my kids step dad ever raised his voice at my children he'd be out the door!

In 15 years he never has, or ranted or raved for an hour, bullied, shouted or escalated anything!

I really think you need to have a long talk with him and set some firm boundaries around how he behaves towards your daughter. She only has you to set those boundaries and advocate for her.

VesperLynne · 29/09/2023 13:35

Why did he agree to have a child with you knowing how "challenging" he found your youngest.

Bananaaa · 29/09/2023 13:38

Anyone ranting about my 7 year old for an hour in front of them would be gone from my house. Awful for your daughter to live with someone who so openly dislikes her.

loislovesstewie · 29/09/2023 13:40

I can't understand why people think that sneezing near a baby is so awful! There are germs everywhere, you go out and about and there will be all sorts around you. No home is sterile ,children build up immunity otherwise we are all doomed.
And,yes, I would get rid of him, your DD is going to be the scapegoat for all of her life if he stays.

Blough · 29/09/2023 13:45

They probably don’t think it’s that bad (the sneezing), several posts are picking apart the trivial examples given in order to sympathise with the poor man. Overlooking the emotional abuse being inflicted on the child.

Goodornot · 29/09/2023 13:50

I couldn't cope with 4 hours of whatever rubbish a 7 year old was watching on YouTube either. Headphones?

She's 7...putting her dirty feet on a baby's gym after being told not to...she's just bloody minded. She's too old for that behaviour.

He doesn't sound great though have you done anything to deal with your daughters behaviour.

DonaNobisPacem · 29/09/2023 13:51

I think people focusing on the DD’s behaviour are missing the point. It’s not about whether playing noisy games on a phone or sneezing on a baby are ok- I’m sure lots of us think they aren’t- but his weird bullying reaction to the behaviour. Going crazy and ranting for an hour about a sneeze are not normal reactions.

gamerchick · 29/09/2023 13:52

He's been bullying her for 3 years?

This is going to get worse and if you allow this to go on, the teenage years will be an utter nightmare.

He needs spoken to that he either changes his attitude or it's game over.

I told my husband at the start if he kids didn't take to him or him them, it would be a none starter. He needs to put some effort in or leave

CasaAmarela · 29/09/2023 13:56

I think you need to nip some of her behaviours in the bud as other PPs have said - she should be wearing headphones to listen to videos and I don't think asking her not to put her feet on the baby's things is unreasonable.

That being said he also sounds like a bully and this will only get worse. Blended families rarely work and she will end up very emotionally damaged if this continues.

Graciebobcat · 29/09/2023 13:58

Well, DD2's behaviour isn't going to get better while there is a fucking manchild in the house emotionally abusing her.

I would have been shouting at him for an hour if he went on like that at my DD, shortly before throwing him out. How fucking dare he.

Azerothi · 29/09/2023 13:59

I think your behaviour OP is disgraceful. Your poor daughter, honestly how could you shove her aside for a boyfriend.

This will haunt you for many years to come and it is unfathomable to me you would want your boyfriend permanently in your daughter's life by having a baby with him knowing how he treats your daughter.

This will come back to haunt you when your boyfriend leaves after blaming your daughter.

Rainallnight · 29/09/2023 14:00

Your poor daughter. I have a seven year old daughter and I can only imagine how confused and unhappy yours is feeling.

Graciebobcat · 29/09/2023 14:06

Of course she wants to lie on the jungle gym and be a baby again. To her the baby is more loved and gets all mum's attention, and she has to live with a man who doesn't seem to like her very much and resents her presence. Poor girl.

My cat used to lie on the baby gym next to DD2. When her big sister wasn't on there with her.

Hibiscrubbed · 29/09/2023 14:06

Cappuccino17 · 29/09/2023 13:04

I can relate to your partners concerns. He's just had a baby with you (his first)? And he is feelong protective over his new born.
I would tell my own daughter not to do particular things around my new born, I'd teach her to cough into her elbow or a tissue, keep her hands clean if my daughter was bare footed on the baby gym id put clean socks on her if i was you, this is to reassure your partner you are there support him through his anxious moments. The baby is vulnerable and i completely understand why your partner would make these comments. He has anxieties! That's where his anger will boil from. You do need to help by explaining to your daughter how to behave around a newborn. Good luck.

I’m sorry, what?! Are you actually serious?!

Bubop · 29/09/2023 14:10

He ranted at her for sneezing? Stop letting your DP be a dick to your child. If that means leaving him, so be it.

Your daughter needs a loving and safe home.

FartSock5000 · 29/09/2023 14:12

Unless she is neuro-divergent then at 7 years old she should take a telling off.

I don't think he is a bully. I think he sounds frustrated and fed up that after 3 years, your method has not resulted in better behaviour from a pushy child who needs stricter boundaries.

You need to both be on the same page when it comes to parenting. He cannot over react with her and you cannot be so gentle when that method clearly isn't resolving anything.

When she was told not to put her feet on the baby's mat and did so anyway, she should have been sent out of the room for being disobedient. She was pushing boundaries and you let her. His reaction was frustration. You aren't supporting him at all. Your daughter sees you react to him and knows how to push your buttons.

It's not just a relationship you will lose unless you open your eyes - its a healthy relationship with a head strong daughter who will only be worse when she hits her tween/teen years. She knows that she can push you and you will bend.

MoonlightMuse · 29/09/2023 14:18

You shouldn’t have had a baby with someone who didn’t like your daughter beforehand. Now she is pushed out further from you and competing for the bond you have with the new baby and a grown man who is treating her appalling. The time to leave was before you got pregnant again.
Yes, I know you can’t go back and change having a third child, but you should reflect on your lack of actions and make some decisions about how you’re going to make it right for her going forward. Your children need to come first, not the dickhead who is a bully and could cause irreparable emotional damage to your daughter.

Pottomous2 · 29/09/2023 14:24

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 29/09/2023 11:46

Your DD should have had headphones in the car. In that situation, if the noise was bothering me I'd absolutely ask her to mute it.

She shouldn't have immediately put her feet on the mat.

He's not reacting appropriately to her, but you need to take a more active role in parenting, and give her some boundaries.

This. There is fault on both sides- he is over reacting and you are under reacting to your daughters behaviours.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 29/09/2023 14:25

CasaAmarela · 29/09/2023 13:56

I think you need to nip some of her behaviours in the bud as other PPs have said - she should be wearing headphones to listen to videos and I don't think asking her not to put her feet on the baby's things is unreasonable.

That being said he also sounds like a bully and this will only get worse. Blended families rarely work and she will end up very emotionally damaged if this continues.

Maybe she ought to wear headphones but that's a matter for discussion at the start of the car journey. It isn't something that you just randomly decide halfway through a car journey, and certainly not by being so childish as to simply turn the volume up on the radio.

Passepartoute · 29/09/2023 14:26

DonaNobisPacem · 29/09/2023 13:51

I think people focusing on the DD’s behaviour are missing the point. It’s not about whether playing noisy games on a phone or sneezing on a baby are ok- I’m sure lots of us think they aren’t- but his weird bullying reaction to the behaviour. Going crazy and ranting for an hour about a sneeze are not normal reactions.

Exactly. Ditto the pathetic attempt to drown to what she was listening to on the phone followed by a major argument with a 7 year old, FFS. Any grown-up with half a brain who is annoyed by that sighs to themselves and makes a resolution to buy some earphones at the first opportunity. I would seriously worry that he is going to be no better with the baby.

Tell your partner that if he doesn't grow up he is going to have to get out.