My partner can't tolerate my daughters behaviour

[Pinkshamrock15]

I have two daughters from a previous relationship aged 11 and 7. My eldest daughter is an "easy" and very lovely child, whereas her sister is also an amazing child but far more head strong and can be difficult at times. If she doesn't get her own way she will sometimes have temper tantrums, she might have to be asked numerous times to do something and is clumsy and genuinely doesn't think about the consequences of her actions. She is very good at school with no complaints ever. Family are aware her behaviour can be very difficult too but when she is great she is amazing. I find the best way to deal with her behaviour is to wait to sit her down to talk about it rather than shouting or making her feel "cornered" when people are trying to tell her off because she is a very kind and sensitive child.

My partner and I recently had a baby. Previous to having our daughter he has found it very difficult to tolerate her behaviour. An example that when she was playing on my phone on a long drive to go on holiday (4 hours) he couldn't tolerate listening to what she was watching so escalated it by turning up the radio and a huge argument began. When she wanted to lye on the babies jungle gym he said don't put your feet on it which then only made her want to put her feet on it. She accidently sneezed next to the babies crib he went crazy because she didn't cover her mouth but he went to the extreme. He then continues to rant for an hour about how bad her is. I try and take a fair stance and explain his handling of the situations are wrong and he would be better to sit and calmly explain why she shouldn't do something as getting cross only makes her worse.

I love my daughter more than words can say and if it continues I feel that I will have to end our relationship.

Why did you stay with then move in then have a child with someone who doesn't love your children?

I was that child.

I would recommend you and partner attend therapy asap.

I think you have to be straight with him and say...get a grip your a fully grown man. Imagine someone twice your size ranting and raving & intimidating you all the time. How would you feel? She is defending herself. My eldest child is 7 and worst than your girl behaviourally x5. But if we are confrontational it gets worse...he is always right 🤣🤣. Kids are just all different and she will grow to be a woman who is a shepherd and not a sheep...an amazing thing.

I have to mentally grip myself constantly to not be be shouting frequently at my boy and my husband needs gripping too... frequently. We work hard constantly at patience...but we love his strong will and we know we will miss it when he is no longer our hard work baby...fully grown and probably testing his girlfriend and colleagues patience instead!! It is hard when they fight authority constantly.

However that being said I think you need to tell him if he can't grip himself and change enough in his approach over time; that you and your girl can't live like that and it will lead to separation. Then if he can't change I think it's game over sorry to say 😢. Being on the same page parenting wise is so important. If you can't agree it can't work especially when he isn't their biological dad (you are able to remove him from her life if he isn't a positive force) 👍

I feel sorry for your daughter. You've let him bully her for 3 years and then had a kid with him. Put your kids first.

Now that your daughter is seven she is old enough for you to gently correct her inconsiderate behaviour as it occurs.
Every person should turn down a device if it irritates someone else - particularly the driver.
You should have insisted that she not put her feet on the baby's jungle gym too and when she did she should have had consequenses from you immediately.
The sneeze was unavoidable, though - with Covid - everyone around a new baby is anxious.
Both your partner and your seven year old need to work on their tantrums. They are unacceptable. Your partner should be leading by example. He is the adult. He needs to gentle up and become more of a gentleman with how he speaks to children. If he can not he should go to anger management.

This with bells on top

Sadly +1

All of those things just seem like normal kid things to do. I'd be talking to my partner not my daughter.

He would be out the door,no doubt about it. And tbh,he wouldn't have been in my life long enough to have a baby with him once he started treating my daughter like that. Gone. For good. Nasty bastard.

We have 2 really spirited children, one is biologically my husband's and the other isn't. He has been around as a friend since the beginning though and sees both children as equally his. Honestly it is hard to discipline kids who argue back. The most effective way I have found is to say 'this is the expectation, this is why and if you don't then this will be the consequence' then walk away. Getting caught up in arguments takes away your authority and if you shout they stop listening. My husband gets so caught up in this, arguing the toss with our son. It drives me nuts! When I heard about the feet on the baby mat that translates to me as 'you are dirty and I don't want you near my baby'. Unless there is an actual explanation, this is probably how it has come across to your 7 year old so that's not going to make her feel sorry for doing it. She'll be feeling hurt. It's really hard to parent full stop and only you can know if this is a case of him struggling to parent or that he doesn't feel enough love for your daughter. Personally if it was the latter, after 3 years, I would have to leave.

I'm going to disagree with almost everyone on here, I've somewhat always felt that if people are aware of a certain someone's behaviours and they end up on mumsnet its probably because people in her real life have told them otherwise so they feel the need to find a comforting response elsewhere that'll secure and confirm their narrative. Your child sounds difficult. Family are aware of her behaviour so she sounds like she gets up to this kind of behaviour often and some of her behaviour you've exemplified makes her sound like a spoiled brat with a mother who doesn't want to hurt her 'baby girls' feelings. Being told specifically not to do something by an adult should be the end of a discussion but she sounds like she wants to test his willpower as he seems to be the only one trying to fix her entitled behaviour. I too would tell my daughter off for being inconsiderable enough to put her feet on something younger children may put their mouths around but it sounds like he tried to fix her behaviour in that very moment rather than waiting until you get home which in my opinion... sensitive or not she needs to realise the severity of her actions and receive punishment right there and the then it also sounds like he tried to discipline her without the backing of the mother which is vital because it may send mixed signals to the child. She's receiving (to me too much) of a laid back approach from you and maybe a touch too stern behaviour from the stepdad. But she'll never come to respect the step father if you can't even agree with him on things.

I thought your DD must be hurting the baby, or something on that level. But she’s playing on your phone, presumably with your permission, and sneezing? That poor little girl.

Agree with this

He's been there 3 years. He's known her since she was 4. He's clearly had an issue with her behaviour predating his baby. Ranting for an hour is not a normal stress response to a young child accidentally sneezing on a cot.

Ridiculous. Ranting for an hour at a child about how bad they are is never justified. Let alone someone else's child.

If you're not going to leave him then I would definitely tell him that he is not your daughters parent so you can deal with her behaviour and you don't want him involved. I wouldn't leave them alone together either.

You need to leave. 100% your eldest daughter is probably only ‘good’ to please him. It shouldn’t be like that.

I don't think you can really play the "someone else's child he shouldn't be involved" card when they also have a child together. I don't think it's reasonable to expect that level of separation in those circumstances, you need to accept their input and work together to find a joint approach.

Is it possible that your youngest is neurodiverse? The clumsiness, being 'headstrong' (which can be related to anxiety), routines she has set up etc. For example, my youngest, who has a great job now, has inattentive ADHD which wasn't diagnosed until she was 15, and would knock over her water at dinner every night, fall off scooter etc, she was popular at school, teachers didn't identify this, etc but I recognised she needed help to organise herself & she had anxiety migraines etc, and there's also developmental movement disorder (formerly dyspraxia) which can manifest similarly. She has also had a lot of changes in the last few years that she may be finding difficult already they might be worth exploring.

Regarding the partner, I think he might find it easier to understand your daughter if he understood the reasons for her behaviours and it is entirely possible he is finding the shift to new dad difficult and attempting to balance "stepdad" with "only dad" and not getting it quite right.

As parents, you two need consistent approaches and I'd suggest the "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" books by Faber & Mazlish for some helpful strategies and insights.

If your partner isn't willing to work on this issue that's a different matter but he might just need you to bring it up, gently, and appreciate he's adjusting to first time parenthood, whereas you've had years to practice.

I thought ND too. My ASD Dd was ‘strong willed’ Unbelievably so.

I think you should get some outside help to be honest. Maybe get a referral for occupational therapy for daughter or something as well as family counselling. There is a lot going on, and you could phrase that it was helping with daughter, but your partner sounds like he’s over the top a bit. Might be stress of everything though. As for the phone in the car, that’s fine, but we would never have let our kids have the noise on. I think your partner isn’t used to kids is he? Also it’s understandable she might act out a bit with the new baby. She’s only 7, poor pet. Mine went through what I called “bold stages” for about a year or 6 months where they did the opposite of what I asked them, but it passed. Maybe it’s just a stage with her. Either way, maybe some outside help is needed. Mind yourself.hope it resolves.

The so called "naughty" behaviour isn't naughty though.
A 6 year old watching a video on a phone.
For a 4 hour car journey it's perfectly normal that she needed entertainment, he is an adult and doesn't need the radio on. Arsehole behaviour.
Sneezing near a baby., Not naughty at all and it's disgusting she was slagged of for an hour, sometimes sneezes take you by surprise.

Totally agree. How can you help sneezing? I’m sure l sneezed on my dc when they were babies.

I have 3 kids (one that's a newborn) and my 8 year old can get carried away but putting feet on the babies stuff is not OK, I'd also have an issue re germs but I wouldn't scream or shout, just explain the importance of taking extra care around the baby. At 7 they should be respectful when reminded.

I can totally understand your partner being protective of a new baby.. But.. I wouldn't allow them to scream at my child or put them down. I would deal with this directly myself.

My eldest is from my previous marriage and my partner would never cross that line. If he did, he'd be gone in a flash.

Sounds like you need to chat with your partner first, then your child. However she's 7, so that would be more guidance. He however is not, and screaming and shouting is not OK.

Have you asked yourself why your daughter misbehaves? Children need attention and what with a new partner and then a new baby, she can't possibly be getting the same attention she had previously. They're also very clever at manipulating to get the attention they need even if its negative attention. There's a bonus for her though: be naughty, get stepdad to rant and mum gives me nice extra attention. It's a typical divide and conquer and seems to working as you considering kicking stepdad out. What you need to do is work out with your partner how you can modify her behaviour in a positive way. Also ask yourself if you did kick out stepdad would it solve your problems? Do you think you would be able to give her more attention then? How would it affect your older child if you did split?

Just to give more context. I haven't just chosen "any man". Prior to our 3 year relationship I've known him and been friendly for 5 years before this through a very close friend. I've often considered does she have ASD or ADHD so much so that I have discussed this with our doctor who has put in a referral.

My daughter actually loves him and he is the first person she goes to speak to if he is home from work. Although, when he does tell her off it does frighten her to a certain extent. My partner constantly complains about how soft I am with my children and how my 7 year old "runs rings around me". But, as I have previously said, this does not justify his handling of these situations. What upset me most was the sneezing into the babies crib when it was completely accidental and he has been firmly warned that if that was to happen again then I would end our relationship.