My partner can't tolerate my daughters behaviour

[Pinkshamrock15]

I have two daughters from a previous relationship aged 11 and 7. My eldest daughter is an "easy" and very lovely child, whereas her sister is also an amazing child but far more head strong and can be difficult at times. If she doesn't get her own way she will sometimes have temper tantrums, she might have to be asked numerous times to do something and is clumsy and genuinely doesn't think about the consequences of her actions. She is very good at school with no complaints ever. Family are aware her behaviour can be very difficult too but when she is great she is amazing. I find the best way to deal with her behaviour is to wait to sit her down to talk about it rather than shouting or making her feel "cornered" when people are trying to tell her off because she is a very kind and sensitive child.

My partner and I recently had a baby. Previous to having our daughter he has found it very difficult to tolerate her behaviour. An example that when she was playing on my phone on a long drive to go on holiday (4 hours) he couldn't tolerate listening to what she was watching so escalated it by turning up the radio and a huge argument began. When she wanted to lye on the babies jungle gym he said don't put your feet on it which then only made her want to put her feet on it. She accidently sneezed next to the babies crib he went crazy because she didn't cover her mouth but he went to the extreme. He then continues to rant for an hour about how bad her is. I try and take a fair stance and explain his handling of the situations are wrong and he would be better to sit and calmly explain why she shouldn't do something as getting cross only makes her worse.

I love my daughter more than words can say and if it continues I feel that I will have to end our relationship.

Might he also be ND and struggle with noise, other people, appropriate response? We often find ourselves attracted to people who share traits with other loved ones in our lives and if DD is ND it came from somewhere x
All of this can be overcome through shared understanding but you need agreement about the way forward.

My daughter actually loves him...

Of course she does. It's called Hostage Syndrome.

It's what women and girls do when they're trying not to be killed.

She accidently sneezed next to the babies crib he went crazy because she didn't cover her mouth but he went to the extreme. He then continues to rant for an hour about how bad her is.

She accidentally sneezed and you allowed him to go 'crazy' at her 'to the extreme' and then 'rand for an hour about how bad she is'?

What exactly were you doing when he was going crazy to the extreme at your daughter for an accidental sneeze?

How can you find this man attractive?

Yep, until the next time and you allow him to get away with it again.

@MoonlightMuseand you know this for sure, because??

What exactly were you doing when he was going 'crazy to the extreme' at your daughter for an accidental sneeze?

I don't understand how he was allowed to do this, let alone rant for an hour about it?

Because of everything in this thread? You aren’t putting your daughter first at all. Behaviour like your ‘partner’s’ should not be repeating itself.

@monsteramunch I was telling him to stop immediately is exactly what I was doing! I was absolutely furious and he was made aware I was too.

@MoonlightMuse I am putting my daughter first, if I wasn't I would be completely disregarding his behaviour. Have you read my most recent post?

You told him to stop but he continued ranting for an hour?

A normal, well adjusted person able to manage their behaviour like an adult wouldn't do that.

He sounds unstable and a bully to have continued ranting about your daughter an hour if you told him it was unacceptable.

I would have walked away from him to a different part of the house if I were you. Not listened or allowed your child to overhear. I just can't picture any possible way he could have ranted that long unless you were listening to the rant rather than refusing to engage.

I'm assuming the ranting wasn't directly at her, but about her? Or was it actually directly at her after all?

Your poor daughter 😞

‘Frightening her’ no fucking way. You need to get a hold of the situation and quick. Either

1. show him the door…I’d be tempted if he ever frightened my child again.
2. create boundaries for both of them. Is there any way you might perhaps have anticipated a child playing a phone aloud might get on someone’s nerves? That noise would upset a saint!

I say this as the parent of a child with ADHD, who I love and always have loved more than life itself, I feel guilt everyday for how I managed my child’s behaviour, because it drove me crazy before they were diagnosed. My family said I had the patience of a saint, but I only wish I had known at 7 or earlier and could have been kinder in managing it.

From now onwards tell your DP to treat you child as someone who has ADHD. Research it together, read about it and watch the most recent YouTube research, then agree on a way forward ( or else)

It is a sobering thought, and I am sure it’s not the case, but you can create a really tight knit core family unit, if you scapegoat someone within the family, ie it is in your DP’s interest for you to love his child more than your child. Lions in the wild kill any cubs the female already has which aren’t his, just so she can devote her time and energy to his progeny. I know we are not lions. But his behaviour is not acceptable.I am not suggesting he is going to ‘ kill’ you child, but his constant criticism

I believe you do love your daughter and you will protect her, and if he thinks you are too soft on her, tell him that’s what you choose, and just how you want it, and you don’t want any more comments about it. His lack of empathy, kindness and care towards your younger daughter, who he has known since she was 4, do not speak well of his attributes as a father for your shared baby. I wonder if he has ever thought of that?

Can’t believe you even considered having a baby with him the way he treats your daughter!
What will happen if his child turns out badly behaved like yours??
How will he treat her?

Does your daughter have adhd or something similar because it sounds likely. Your partner is displaying worrying behaviour. What if the new baby displays challenging behaviour when older , what will he do then. You already know in yourself the answer here if he can't keep his temper or stop slagging her off. And she will hate you and go off the rails if you support him instead of her. Children will be noisy and have tantrums . Sounds like he's having one himself.

I wonder how much of this 7 years old “poor” behaviour is due to living with a bully and her mother having a baby with this bully. He has been in her life for 3 years and as we all know a child’a behaviour will be influenced by their environment and by the key adult figures in their life.

Rather than seeking an ASD/ADHD referral, I would go and see a psychologist and see whether you and your partner (that your daughter “loves” so much) contributed to her “poor” behaviours. His behaviour and your response and protection of him, is probably creating some attachment related problems which can often look like ASD/ADHD.