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Original poster

Is my husband's behavior toward my son cause for concern?

182 replies

KiwiRefuge · 14/08/2023 21:23

Apologies in advance for any breaches of etiquette. I'm new to the forum.

I spent the weekend at my parents' place with our 6 mo son to give my husband a bit of space to get some projects done. When we got back, I was doing some stuff in the kitchen while my husband watched the baby, who has a cold and is extra fussy. I let my husband know he could interrupt me if he needed to and that I was happy to take the baby if the crying was getting too much.

When the baby couldn't be soothed, my husband started cursing at him and became tearful with frustration. I offered to step in but he declined. The baby went from fussing to crying at which point my husband shook him a bit (not a serious head-flopping-back-and-forth shake, more like the way you might shake someone's shoulders to 'snap them out' of something.) At that point I took the baby from him and he went upstairs.

My husband is going to have a difficult week at work so I'm considering just getting an AirBnB with the baby to give him some additional space. But I tend to be a pretty catastrophic thinker and don't want to make things worse by overreacting.

If any additional context helps, this is not the first time I've been scared by how my husband handles the baby and we've had a few conversations about it. He'll go long stretches where he'll seem okay, but then something happens and he'll have an extreme reaction out of the blue.

Again, just wondering if I'm overreacting and if staying someplace else for a few days will only make things worse. Thanks in advance for the advice.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 14/08/2023 21:25

Yes. It is.

DustyLee123 · 14/08/2023 21:25

Your husband needs to leave not you. Baby should be in it’s home.

Escapingafter50years · 14/08/2023 21:26

I think you need to be better safe than sorry. This doesn't sound safe for an innocent child.

What steps has your husband taken to address his apparent lack of control?

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Dnd123456 · 14/08/2023 21:28

Leave leave leave. I'm sorry.

TheFoxCatcher · 14/08/2023 21:29

You should never, ever shake a baby. Not in any way. This is extremely concerning, yes.

Original poster
KiwiRefuge · 14/08/2023 21:29

He's been going to therapy, has some medication and goes to the gym on a pretty regular basis to help him work through things. I realize the original post makes him sound bad - he is working to address his temper but he's not 100% there yet.

OP posts:
TheFoxCatcher · 14/08/2023 21:30

A decent man doesn’t have a ‘temper’ with a 6 month old baby. Don’t make excuses for him, please.

smldnlove · 14/08/2023 21:31

This doesn’t sound good. I would be concerned about what he may do when left alone if this is what he does in front of you. It is not worth the risk, sorry, and your baby deserves to be safe at all costs.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 14/08/2023 21:32

This is really bad. It's not enough that he is working to address his temper. Your baby's safety can't wait until your husband (maybe) sorts himself out. He sounds unstable and I'm afraid I would not be able to trust him.

justapurplevaseofflowers · 14/08/2023 21:33

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this but please leave before your poor baby becomes a news story like so many others.

YoSof · 14/08/2023 21:33

Your husband has a temper with your 6 month old baby and has shaken him once that you know of.

He needs to leave. Your son is not safe.

If you are in any doubt as to the severity of the situation, have a chat with your GP/health visitor and tell them what you just told us. You’ll see how serious it is then.

Simonjt · 14/08/2023 21:33

There’s no way to safely shake a baby, he needs to move out, and his access needs to be closely supervised.

foolishone · 14/08/2023 21:34

KiwiRefuge · 14/08/2023 21:29

He's been going to therapy, has some medication and goes to the gym on a pretty regular basis to help him work through things. I realize the original post makes him sound bad - he is working to address his temper but he's not 100% there yet.

He needs to be out of the house.
Your baby is tiny still and is at risk from your husband.
He could kill your child.

I don't care if anyone thinks I'm being dramatic here, it's the reality and you need to prioritize your child.

peachbasil · 14/08/2023 21:36

You should be reporting this. If you don't protect your baby then you will face charges of neglect. No shaking is acceptable, your husband should not be near your son.

JennyForeigner · 14/08/2023 21:36

There is no 'just a little shake to get attention' with a baby. There is no 'little shake' that isn't a bigger shake when the baby is more distressed, or it's late, or you were out of the room for one minute too long.

Please, don't ignore this and don't minimise it.

If you don't believe me, Slate published an anonymous article some years ago by a mum whose baby became non-responsive. Her husband admitted to having given him a 'little' shake three days earlier. The baby has now life-long brain damage and the mother was given a choice between making her husband leave immediately or herself losing custody of her children.

Sleepeazie · 14/08/2023 21:37

I’m generally a scroller and not a poster.
i’m posting to metaphorically ‘shake you’.
I cannot stress enough, you are not ‘over’ but very much ‘under catastrophising’.
You need to leave ASAP. This is not something you can rationalise or downplay. Your baby needs you to do the right thing.

Wibbleswombat · 14/08/2023 21:39

Yep, risking traumatic brain injury.

Not something to risk.

Wibbleswombat · 14/08/2023 21:40

You might be think you're overthinking this but really it's a response to danger.

Whatsthepoint1234 · 14/08/2023 21:44

OP please get rid, he’s proven that he can’t control his temper around a child. Even if this time shaking your dc didn’t cause any harm, how do you know he won’t do it again. As a parent of a child with a brain injury, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Swirlingpearl · 14/08/2023 21:44

The thing is with this is that everything is ok until it’s not. It’s as simple as that. It would take seconds for a raging man to seriously injure your baby , and there’s nothing you could do. You could be out of the room, who knows. Such a risk, you’re playing with fire. You wouldn’t let your child be alone with a dangerous dog and this is no different. Even if you’re there, as with a dangerous dog, you’re unlikely to be able to step in when it matters. Therefore if you don’t leave, you’re risking traumatic brain injury or worse for your baby.

peachgreen · 14/08/2023 21:45

Report him to the police, voluntarily tell social services and force him to leave. Your baby is not safe.

I had severe PND and psychosis, and a baby with silent reflux who did not stop crying. I understand how hard it is to have a difficult baby. I never, ever shook her. Ever. That is how babies die. And it can happen more quickly than you could imagine.

Coyoacan · 14/08/2023 21:45

I presume that he has already been violent to you, if he is in therapy for his anger.

I would have thought that the first thing a therapist would tell him is to hand the baby to someone else when he feels his anger rising.

leave him.

Rainbowx90 · 14/08/2023 21:45

"this is not the first time I've been scared by how my husband handles the baby"

How can you stay with this man when you've just said this? That is terrifying.
What is more important, your relationship or your child?
I'd be running a mile, and reporting him, he is not safe to be around a child.

Swirlingpearl · 14/08/2023 21:46

Also to add. A man who needs a) medication b) the gym , and c) therapy in order just to control his temper , has no place near a defenseless fragile baby.