Is my husband's behavior toward my son cause for concern?

[KiwiRefuge]

Apologies in advance for any breaches of etiquette. I'm new to the forum.

I spent the weekend at my parents' place with our 6 mo son to give my husband a bit of space to get some projects done. When we got back, I was doing some stuff in the kitchen while my husband watched the baby, who has a cold and is extra fussy. I let my husband know he could interrupt me if he needed to and that I was happy to take the baby if the crying was getting too much.

When the baby couldn't be soothed, my husband started cursing at him and became tearful with frustration. I offered to step in but he declined. The baby went from fussing to crying at which point my husband shook him a bit (not a serious head-flopping-back-and-forth shake, more like the way you might shake someone's shoulders to 'snap them out' of something.) At that point I took the baby from him and he went upstairs.

My husband is going to have a difficult week at work so I'm considering just getting an AirBnB with the baby to give him some additional space. But I tend to be a pretty catastrophic thinker and don't want to make things worse by overreacting.

If any additional context helps, this is not the first time I've been scared by how my husband handles the baby and we've had a few conversations about it. He'll go long stretches where he'll seem okay, but then something happens and he'll have an extreme reaction out of the blue.

Again, just wondering if I'm overreacting and if staying someplace else for a few days will only make things worse. Thanks in advance for the advice.

A little shake is how it starts. The next time will be harder and faster and the time after that. Never ever underestimate the danger of shaking a baby. This is your child's life and you need to protect it. I don't say this lightly. Sadly my work leads me to see these cases and I really hope your child is not another that lands on my desk. Please please get him to leave. He can work on his temper elsewhere away from your child. Never ever leave him with your child unattended either not even for a second

I’d have taken my baby and run very far away from him immediately after the first incident.

Jesus Christ, he could kill your baby.

Talk to health visitor about SBS after you've run far far away from that man.

The baby is only 6 months old . What’s going to happen when he’s walking and starts pulling at things.

I wouldn’t leave your son alone with him . His reactions “out the blue” . Seems like he just snaps .. worrying around such a young child.

This. Don't leave your child alone with him.

Dh slightly raised his voice when changing ds once when he was a tiny baby and frustrated. It was directed at himself rather than ds. Hormonal I took ds from him looked him straight in the eye and said "don't you EVER make me feel I need to protect him from you again".

Dh later told me he seriously thought he'd end up under the patio that night 🤣. But it did make him think twice and he never did it again. Vocalis7ng his frustration was a habit he already has and he thought because ds was just a baby and didnt understand it didnt matter yet, but he got it could become normalised and as new parents we need to learn from the beginning to stay patient and calm.

If he had actually cursed him or done anything physical he would have been immediately out on his ear. It is not normal op, protect your child, if your dh doesn't see it was very very wrong he needs to go.

Anyone that shows anger towards a tiny defenceless creature is a danger to it I’m afraid. I would not in any circumstances leave him alone with the child.

The ongoing problem you have is this does not get easier as they get older. If he can become aggressive with a 6 month old he can sure as hell become aggressive with a two year old and a four year old and a nine year old. If you split he will be given 50/50 sole care of your child and it will be even more unsafe. So you really ate at a point of check mate unless you are going to try and report him to social services for shaking the child.

Yes it's a massive concern.

Jesus, OP. How long was he even with your DC before he started cursing and ‘gently shaking’? (To echo others, there is no such thing as gently shaking a baby). What happens when it’s his turn to do a nightshift and he’s faced with a screaming baby running on little sleep?

I also find it very unusual you feel the need to evacuate your home because your DH is busy at work? Or even having to take your DC upstairs to get out of his way.. If you are feeling the instinct to protect your DC from his own father, this is so far beyond a red flag.

At best, you are in for a life of walking on eggshells and hoping your DC doesn’t throw a tantrum and set your DH off and at worst.. I needn’t even say it.

He'll go long stretches where he'll seem okay, but then something happens and he'll have an extreme reaction out of the blue.

Any future extreme reactions "out of the blue" could be fatal to your baby.

just wondering if I'm overreacting

No, you're not overreacting, please listen to what posters here are telling you.

This is awful. He sounds really dangerous and you can’t take chances when it comes to things like this.
I’m confused as to why you haven’t protected your baby from him.
I would run a mile from anyone who ever treated my child like that.

Leave as soon as you can and don't go back. Don't find yourself in court for allowing the death of a child. Supervised contact only, I would involve the courts.

He is a risk to your child. Stop minimising this and do the right thing.

if you don’t move out for good and just go to an air b&b so it’s less stressful for him he’ll expect you to do it all the time.

he isn’t a a good dad or a good partner and he will keep pushing it with your son until he really hurts him. He could kill him or leave him brain dead if he shakes him.

Absolutely it is cause for concern. Leave. Don't make excuses for his behaviour.

You are under reacting to how bad that was and how potentially damgerous

he needs to leave and get his temper under control children press buttons if his response is this it is so dangerously out of proportion

Follow this advice op

@Angeldelight50 ..you have said exactly what I was about to write! OP you are clearly scared of this man . Get out now and protect your baby and yourself. I have never written these words ever on MN .

I've had three babies, yes it can be stressful
and frustrating when a baby won't settle, but most parents (like you) are able to manage how they react to that. Even if he had put the baby in it's cot and leave the room for a minute for a breather, that's the sort of thing stressed but competent, safe parents do.

You can't shake a baby, you just can't. There's no such thing as a safe amount to shake a baby. You know this.

He has to go, I'm really sorry but you know this too.

Bloody hell, OP. I was shaking my head at the cursing and then I couldn't believe what I read next. He SHOOK your baby out of anger. He cannot be around your child alone until he gets some help.

I also find it bonkers you are considering leaving your home with a baby to stay in an Air BnB because your husband has a busy week at work. It all paints a very disturbing picture of your life together

I'd ask him to leave, I certainly wouldn't be leaving

He needs to go. I would never leave the child with him again.

Sorry. What was his temper like before the child was conceived?

Good luck 💐

address his temper but he's not 100% there yet.

He’s not even 10% there.
He isn’t safe to be near the baby unsupervised.

I think you need to report him and make him leave, he is not safe to be in your baby's home.

Yes, all of this. Don't wait until it's too late.