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Original poster

Is my husband's behavior toward my son cause for concern?

182 replies

KiwiRefuge · 14/08/2023 21:23

Apologies in advance for any breaches of etiquette. I'm new to the forum.

I spent the weekend at my parents' place with our 6 mo son to give my husband a bit of space to get some projects done. When we got back, I was doing some stuff in the kitchen while my husband watched the baby, who has a cold and is extra fussy. I let my husband know he could interrupt me if he needed to and that I was happy to take the baby if the crying was getting too much.

When the baby couldn't be soothed, my husband started cursing at him and became tearful with frustration. I offered to step in but he declined. The baby went from fussing to crying at which point my husband shook him a bit (not a serious head-flopping-back-and-forth shake, more like the way you might shake someone's shoulders to 'snap them out' of something.) At that point I took the baby from him and he went upstairs.

My husband is going to have a difficult week at work so I'm considering just getting an AirBnB with the baby to give him some additional space. But I tend to be a pretty catastrophic thinker and don't want to make things worse by overreacting.

If any additional context helps, this is not the first time I've been scared by how my husband handles the baby and we've had a few conversations about it. He'll go long stretches where he'll seem okay, but then something happens and he'll have an extreme reaction out of the blue.

Again, just wondering if I'm overreacting and if staying someplace else for a few days will only make things worse. Thanks in advance for the advice.

OP posts:
RenoDakota · 15/08/2023 00:14

Christ, there are some seriously low bars on here.

Edellondon · 15/08/2023 00:23

I couldn't read your post and not respond. I am sorry you are in this situation but you are placing your baby at a serious risk of harm, your partner does not have his temper under control and he will harm your baby. He had a whole weekend away from the baby and still shook the baby out of frustration after a short period of time. Please please please do not leave your baby alone with him.
This is your warning now to do something
You will not be able to look back and when he does harm your baby and say you didn't know he would do it.

No one should shake a 6 month old baby for attention.

He clearly has anger issues and cannot behave safely under a very vulnerable infant.

As others have said he is already taking medication, going to the gym, getting therapy and it seems extended breaks and he still can't control himself.

How you can see him shake your baby and not ask him to leave the house is beyond me. He should be leaving to sort himself out and baby should be staying in their home.

Edellondon · 15/08/2023 00:33

Busubaba · 14/08/2023 23:15

I can't understand the logic of shaking a baby to quieten them? Even an idiot would understand that's just going to make the baby cry more!

I would split up with him because he's thick and nasty, which isn't a good combination.

But, you need to report him to social services as he must not have the infant alone.

People don't shake babies to quiet them, someone who can't control themselves does it out of anger and frustration.

OP is in denial and defending this man who has harmed her baby.

It is the type of case I see in work unfortunately where a woman will prioritize her partner over the children's safety. Realistically as she knows this man has a temper and has already shaken the baby but yet has chosen to allow him to continue to be around the baby placing it at harms way there would be grounds for the child to be removed by Social Services

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Brandyb · 15/08/2023 00:43

He shook the baby "the way you might shake someone's shoulders to 'snap them out' of something".
This is a seriously big shake and your baby needs to go to hospital immediately to be checked out.
I'm sorry op but your judgement is very impaired and you need to spend the time at the hospital planning how to get away from this man.

Acornsoup · 15/08/2023 00:44

OP you are at risk of having your baby taken away if you have witnessed this and done nothing to protect him.

Please take him to a hospital and have him checked out.

Namechange800 · 15/08/2023 00:54

Op I have been involved in legal cases like this where the baby died. You need to get your baby checked. If your husband has ever been alone with the baby it is possible there are other injuries you are not aware of. Then you need to leave or urgently obtain an order asking him to leave. You are at risk of having your baby removed by children‘s services if they knew you were aware of this and don’t act. You should never leave the baby alone with him. It literally takes seconds to cause a life changing/ ending injury in a young baby.

BLT24 · 15/08/2023 00:58

Please take the baby to hospital and get them checked over. Even a small amount of shaking can be extremely damaging. Then you will need to report your husband. Then leave him. Neither you or your child are safe around him.

Newnamehiwhodis · 15/08/2023 01:02

He swore at, and shook (I do not care how hard or lightly he shook. He’s much bigger than a baby) a helpless baby. What do you think?

yes, this is a serious problem.

IHateLegDay · 15/08/2023 01:09

Jesus Christ, you're seriously thinking you may be overreacting??
Sweetheart, you are massively UNDERREACTING!
Get your child to the hospital now.

zeibesaffron · 15/08/2023 01:11

Leave now, this is a massive safeguarding concern. Your baby is at huge risk of harm just go and do not go back!

I would report him to your health visitor who should do an urgent referral to the MASH.

But please leave.

truthhurts23 · 15/08/2023 01:12

if you leave him, he might get unsupervised contact and abuse or kill your child,
if you stay you have to make sure he is never alone with your child

Acornsoup · 15/08/2023 01:15

truthhurts23 · 15/08/2023 01:12

if you leave him, he might get unsupervised contact and abuse or kill your child,
if you stay you have to make sure he is never alone with your child

He will not get unsupervised access to the baby he is abusing.

peachgreen · 15/08/2023 01:23

truthhurts23 · 15/08/2023 01:12

if you leave him, he might get unsupervised contact and abuse or kill your child,
if you stay you have to make sure he is never alone with your child

Not if she takes her baby to the hospital (which she needs to do anyway) and reports him.

Azela · 15/08/2023 01:26

Oh love, I'm so sorry but you need to take your baby and leave. His behaviour is very far from normal. Please leave now, you need to.

SammyScrounge · 15/08/2023 01:32

There is no such thing as a harmless shake when you are holding a baby. I'm really sorry to say that but it is true. And he has handled the baby roughly before? Why did he get more than one chance at shaking your child?
He cried with frustration when holding a child? That's a new one on me.
Your DH sounds like a powder keg about to explode and it will be the baby who will suffer because neither you or your husband prioritised her.

Pallisers · 15/08/2023 02:51

Just another voice here to the multitude

You need to bring your baby to your GP or health nurse tomorrow morning - A&E if that isn't possible - and you need to tell them exactly what happened.

You need to get this man out of your home.

You should also sign up for the freedom programme or similar because your response to your dh shaking a 6 month old (when he could have just handed the baby to you) and your response to his obvious out of control anger is not normal. All of your instincts should have been firing to protect your vulnerable baby. You had enough of them firing to post on here - so that is something - but that isn't good enough - not when it comes to a vulnerable small baby.

OP, this is serious. very serious for your child. but also serious for you and what you will tolerate.

MrsMorrisey · 15/08/2023 03:16

Only the lowest of the low hurt babies.
Get rid 😡

Northernsouloldies · 15/08/2023 03:27

Op I'd lay money that there have been other times you may not know about. Don't let your baby become a headline in a local paper.

bakewellbride · 15/08/2023 03:27

I know someone who was in your situation. There was only one incident and she got herself and the baby out immediately after that. Absolutely zero contact with the dad now, he doesn't even know where they live. The fact you have not reacted in the same way is mind boggling, please protect your defenceless child.

User0224 · 15/08/2023 03:43

Baby to hospital, soon as you can.

SillyDoriswithaDangler · 15/08/2023 03:48

Take your son to the hospital, you don’t know what he has done to him whilst you weren’t in the room. You need to get the husband out ASAP he is a danger to your child!

montecarlo7 · 15/08/2023 04:02

Yes, you should be very concerned. Did you think anyone would tell you otherwise? You need to leave for the safety of your baby.

montecarlo7 · 15/08/2023 04:07

I'm also confused about why you think you "would be making things worse" by removing yourself and your child from this situation. You are in an abusive relationship if your first reaction is to worry about him. He has shaken your baby. Wake up!

CockSpadget · 15/08/2023 04:17

If someone has the capability to get physically angry with a defenceless baby/child, they should never be allowed near one alone again. No matter who it is. You need to protect your baby and get away from this man OP, before the unthinkable happens.

bevm72yellow · 15/08/2023 04:23

His behaviour is scaring you. Go with your gut feeling. Your role is not to control his emotions or defuse the bomb to prevent explosion. He is responsible for that. Your priority is to your child first. You may be made to feel by him that you are in the wrong or being difficult or your being too sensitive. Every time you leave the child with him you will have a doubt in your head.

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