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Original poster

Is my husband's behavior toward my son cause for concern?

182 replies

KiwiRefuge · 14/08/2023 21:23

Apologies in advance for any breaches of etiquette. I'm new to the forum.

I spent the weekend at my parents' place with our 6 mo son to give my husband a bit of space to get some projects done. When we got back, I was doing some stuff in the kitchen while my husband watched the baby, who has a cold and is extra fussy. I let my husband know he could interrupt me if he needed to and that I was happy to take the baby if the crying was getting too much.

When the baby couldn't be soothed, my husband started cursing at him and became tearful with frustration. I offered to step in but he declined. The baby went from fussing to crying at which point my husband shook him a bit (not a serious head-flopping-back-and-forth shake, more like the way you might shake someone's shoulders to 'snap them out' of something.) At that point I took the baby from him and he went upstairs.

My husband is going to have a difficult week at work so I'm considering just getting an AirBnB with the baby to give him some additional space. But I tend to be a pretty catastrophic thinker and don't want to make things worse by overreacting.

If any additional context helps, this is not the first time I've been scared by how my husband handles the baby and we've had a few conversations about it. He'll go long stretches where he'll seem okay, but then something happens and he'll have an extreme reaction out of the blue.

Again, just wondering if I'm overreacting and if staying someplace else for a few days will only make things worse. Thanks in advance for the advice.

OP posts:
AngelAurora · 15/08/2023 06:14

Of course it's a cause for concern, he is getting angry with a 6 month old baby, what are you going to do about it OP?

PinkNailpolish · 15/08/2023 06:15

So he hadn't seen his baby for a few days and only had him in his care for a few minutes before he lost his temper? Tell him to leave. Baby needs to stay in his home. Ask a family member or friend to come round if you feel threatened and scared.

Poppyblush · 15/08/2023 06:19

He needs to go, for good. That’s appalling.

Interested in this thread?

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AngelAurora · 15/08/2023 06:21

Are you coming back or not OP?

Sally2791 · 15/08/2023 06:24

Please get your child away from him right now.

RampantIvy · 15/08/2023 06:29

Joining in with the advice to leave or get him to leave. Was he always like this or was it since the baby was born?

Hopefully the OP hasn't been back because she is protecting her baby/seeking medical advice.

romdowa · 15/08/2023 06:36

Sadly it seems ops dc will end up another statistic. My ds screamed for 16 hours a day for weeks due to reflux and not once did we ever for a second shake our child and believe me it was frustrating and exhausting .

MummyJ36 · 15/08/2023 06:54

Normal to me upset and frustrated at a crying baby? Yes.

Normal to shake a crying baby, even a “little bit”? Absolutely not.

Your priority is your defenceless baby, not your husband who needs anger management. I’d be asking him to leave.

MummyJ36 · 15/08/2023 06:57

My DC1 cried solidly for 8 weeks. I was crying with tiredness and frustration, DH wasn’t far off. If either of us had shaken her we’d have been told to leave (for the long term).

CarnelianArtist · 15/08/2023 06:58

You are not over reacting. That's scary. You sound like a strong person. I would have been in floods of tears. He was angry at the baby for what... being an upset baby. He sounds like he needs help for stress and anger management. And make it clear you never shake a baby and if he wants his mum and you want the baby, you hold the baby.

Fedupwithitx · 15/08/2023 07:06

The sad truth is, all the parents of 'shaken baby's' didn't believe they're partners were capable of such a thing.
Now they live with the reality of it.
Your partner has actually shown you what he is capable of.
Please take it as a warning and remove your defenseless baby from the situation.

AbsolutelyCreamCrackered · 15/08/2023 07:08

Your baby is vulnerable, and needs to be kept safe. If your DH is not up to the job, and the one who is causing the issue, he needs to go. Your baby is the most important thing here, not DH's feelings or welfare.

You need to ask him to leave before he does something terrible, and you will also be blamed for letting it happen.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 15/08/2023 07:16

He did this with you in the room. He did this when you were ready and willing to leave the room with the baby as soon as it got too bad.

now imagine how massive the shake might be when you’re not there? Or when the baby has been sick and teary / crying on and off for DAYS?? What happens if (no, when!) you get sick and can’t be there 24/7?

you NEED to report this. And he needs to leave, seeing as he isn’t safe to be around!

you might also want to inform his therapist.

Yakadoodle · 15/08/2023 07:18

This baby is not safe with this man. Unfortunately you know this and have done nothing about it. My advice is to leave. Don’t ask him to leave, just pack for you and the baby and leave! Your husband will go from one stressful project in work to another. That’s just how it goes in work. You’re not safe around someone who lashes out on a 6 month old baby. When my kids are sick I would do anything to protect them and make it easier for them. Not shake them as I can’t stand the crying! I know babies are hard but kids really push your buttons so if this is him with a little baby I dread to think how he will cope with the child grown up a bit.

take all this advice and get the child checked over. You’re risking both potential permanent harm or death to this child. Tell the hospital what happened and get the kid checked properly and let them help you get out of this situation. Go to a parent or friend, please just leave and don’t let him talk you in to coming back. I know it’s hard when you love him but this child must come first. If you really can’t face leaving this man, do the right thing and take steps to protect the child and speak to someone so they can care for this child instead.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 15/08/2023 07:19

Swirlingpearl · 14/08/2023 21:44

The thing is with this is that everything is ok until it’s not. It’s as simple as that. It would take seconds for a raging man to seriously injure your baby , and there’s nothing you could do. You could be out of the room, who knows. Such a risk, you’re playing with fire. You wouldn’t let your child be alone with a dangerous dog and this is no different. Even if you’re there, as with a dangerous dog, you’re unlikely to be able to step in when it matters. Therefore if you don’t leave, you’re risking traumatic brain injury or worse for your baby.

This. Also you say it’s not the first time he’s lost his temper with the baby. He needs to leave, not you. Don’t ever leave him alone with him again, he’s not safe with his father.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 15/08/2023 07:21

JoanOfAllTrades · 15/08/2023 05:51

@KiwiRefuge I’m going to tell you what I would tell my own children, some of whom already have children, so if my post seems a bit mumsy at times, it’s because I have many children, with a big age range (21 years between oldest and youngest).

I'm very concerned about what you have posted, and I am concerned for your baby, you, and your husband. Having a teething baby (I think perhaps your baby is teething and hence is extra fussy, along with having a cold), can be very exhausting and stressful.

I don’t know if you have ever heard of shaken baby syndrome but you can google it. No person, regardless of age, should ever be shaken and what you describe as a “little shake” as if someone had grabbed someone else’s shoulders and shaken them, is not a little shake! Not to an adult and definitely not to a baby!

I'm sure that you’ve heard of whiplash, perhaps you’ve had whiplash? That’s very painful, right? Well, imagine a baby having that!

You’ve heard of boxers sustaining brain damage due to the thumping of their brain inside their skull? Well, imagine that happening to a baby!

When you shake a baby, their brain literally hits their skull.

Fussiness and excessive crying is a symptom of shaken baby syndrome - your husband may already have caused damage to your baby when he has shaken baby previously.

In mild cases of shaken baby syndrome, which you have described as happening here, baby may appear normal and fine but over time, these shaking incidents can cause health and/or behaviour problems.

A parent who gets frustrated and lashes out at baby, whether that be by shaking, slapping, hitting or in some other way, is not a safe person to be around baby.

Should something have happened already, or should something happen in the future, where your husband injures your baby, you will be prosecuted for child neglect, along with him.

Your internet history, along with every other aspect of your life, will be investigated and this post, will come to light at some stage, if you’ve used your home wifi or your telephone to make this post. I’m not trying to scare you, but I’ve seen it happen (I’m a nurse), and you’ve asked for advice, because you’re concerned.

You are your baby’s biggest advocate right now. Your baby can’t ask for help, can’t tell you when they’re afraid, or scared, or hurt, and so, it falls on you to make sure that your baby isn’t in situations where they need help, or are afraid, or scared, or hurt.

Right now, your husband doesn’t have just an anger management problem, he has a child abuse problem. He’s literally abusing your baby.

You need to take some measures right now to ensure your baby’s safety and well-being!

  1. Call Childline or whatever child safety helpline is in your country.
  2. Contact Family Services in your local area and get some help right now for you, your baby, and your husband.
  3. Contact a solicitor because you need your husband to leave the property as he’s a risk right now to your baby and he may refuse to leave the marital home.
  4. If you feel that you, or more importantly, your baby is in danger, call the Police.

Doing nothing is not an option, because your baby is at risk. You shouldn’t even be leaving the baby with someone who cannot control themselves and it’s worrying, that when the baby was crying and you asked your husband to give the baby to you, he not only refused BUT HE SHOOK THE BABY!

Has he every been violent or aggressive towards you? Anger management is a step in the right direction, but it takes time, like any therapy does, to work.

Please think carefully about what I, and everyone else here, has said. And do not leave baby alone, if husband in the house! If you need the loo, take baby with you in the car seat or whatever baby sits in at home. Need a shower? Baby is with you. It’s really, really important that husband is never, ever, alone with baby.

This! 100% this.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 15/08/2023 07:33

Normal, decent men love and protect their children. Your husband is neither normal nor decent and presents an active danger to your child. As others have said, the fact that he’s shaken your baby in front of you, after you’ve left him alone all weekend and only been home a short while, is horrifying. It strongly indicates that he’s done this before, and he definitely won’t have exercised the same level of restraint if he was alone with your son. Are you quite sure that your baby’s fussiness is not down to some pre-existing injury?

And you’re contemplating moving out of your own home because he has a ‘stressful week’ coming up, but you’re not sure if that will ‘make things worse’? Fucking hell, what do you imagine is going to happen in either of those scenarios?

Whether you want to admit it or not, you are afraid of this man and for good reason - he’s on a hair trigger. Your instincts are telling you to get your child away from him, and that’s exactly what you need to do. Permanently.

ImNotReallySpartacus · 15/08/2023 07:36

RudsyFarmer · 14/08/2023 22:08

Anyone that shows anger towards a tiny defenceless creature is a danger to it I’m afraid. I would not in any circumstances leave him alone with the child.

The ongoing problem you have is this does not get easier as they get older. If he can become aggressive with a 6 month old he can sure as hell become aggressive with a two year old and a four year old and a nine year old. If you split he will be given 50/50 sole care of your child and it will be even more unsafe. So you really ate at a point of check mate unless you are going to try and report him to social services for shaking the child.

It is very unlikely that he would want 50/50 care, let alone get it.

Greenwitchhorse · 15/08/2023 07:51

What did I just read? this is appalling.

I don't understand why you have not taken action already. His behaviour was totally inappropriate and you need to protect your baby immediately. Kick this man out of your house. Now.

Nodeepdiving · 15/08/2023 08:13

JudgeRudy · 15/08/2023 05:32

You mention he's going to the gym now. Has his behaviour worsened since he got into this? Could he be on steroids? It's a massive problem in those circles and is well known for causing rages.
In your situation I'd have a talk with your OH and ask him to take some time out and have a serious think about what he wants but in the meantime do not leave him alone with your child and at the first sign of aggression you leave. You can sort out who's staying where later but do not put your child at risk

Why are you advising OP to wait until her husband is aggressive again? He's shaken their child, ffs. He needs to go now, and OP needs to get medical attention for her son and report this to the police.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/08/2023 08:22

Jesus op. Short answer, yes it is! Please listen to people here. This man could seriously hurt your child.

FrancescaContini · 15/08/2023 08:31

KiwiRefuge · 14/08/2023 21:29

He's been going to therapy, has some medication and goes to the gym on a pretty regular basis to help him work through things. I realize the original post makes him sound bad - he is working to address his temper but he's not 100% there yet.

Yes, your OP makes him sound not only “bad” but an obvious danger to your precious baby.

Read @JoanOfAllTrades post. What do you think about what she says?

Poudretteite · 15/08/2023 08:46

He has shaken your baby already. He'll do it again and probably worse, and could leave your baby dead or with irreversible brain damage. At which point you'll look back and say, I should have done ANYTHING to protect my baby so this never happened.

Hubblebubble · 15/08/2023 08:58

Your son cannot under any circumstances be left alone with the baby shaker

ShowerintheDark · 15/08/2023 10:11

Op take a step back for a moment, and make yourself impartial. A full grown man has lost his temper to the point he has shaken a baby. You do realise somebody that has lost control to this degree has no control over his own strength don't you? Absolutely ANY shaking can damaged a delicate baby. It isn't okay; your dh can't control his temper 100% which has shown in what he did. If that is him not controlling his temper fully I'd hate to see what he would be capable of should that slip. This man should not be a father.
If you let this slide you are an enabler and as bad and guilty as he is.

Get your head out of the sand on MN and protect your child! Sorry to be blunt, but I don't sugar-coat it where an innocent child is concerned.