Is my husband's behavior toward my son cause for concern?

[KiwiRefuge]

Apologies in advance for any breaches of etiquette. I'm new to the forum.

I spent the weekend at my parents' place with our 6 mo son to give my husband a bit of space to get some projects done. When we got back, I was doing some stuff in the kitchen while my husband watched the baby, who has a cold and is extra fussy. I let my husband know he could interrupt me if he needed to and that I was happy to take the baby if the crying was getting too much.

When the baby couldn't be soothed, my husband started cursing at him and became tearful with frustration. I offered to step in but he declined. The baby went from fussing to crying at which point my husband shook him a bit (not a serious head-flopping-back-and-forth shake, more like the way you might shake someone's shoulders to 'snap them out' of something.) At that point I took the baby from him and he went upstairs.

My husband is going to have a difficult week at work so I'm considering just getting an AirBnB with the baby to give him some additional space. But I tend to be a pretty catastrophic thinker and don't want to make things worse by overreacting.

If any additional context helps, this is not the first time I've been scared by how my husband handles the baby and we've had a few conversations about it. He'll go long stretches where he'll seem okay, but then something happens and he'll have an extreme reaction out of the blue.

Again, just wondering if I'm overreacting and if staying someplace else for a few days will only make things worse. Thanks in advance for the advice.

This is all kinds of wrong, OP.

Please get your baby and yourself away from this ‘man’.

I’m sick to death of reading here of men having a hard time at work’. Or whatever.

poor wee souls.

Yep work can be tough at times but suck it up. It’s not an excuse for any kind of bad behaviour.

I would take the baby to A&e to get him checked out and ask DH to leave the house permanently. Your baby is vulnerable and at risk. A man with a temper should have no place in a child’s life. Even if the child escapes physical injury, it will experience mental health injury and might even copy his fathers example.

Yes your husband's behaviour is a massive cause for concern.

EVERYONE knows it's dangerous to shake a baby.

Anyone who does it is a danger to the child and shouldn't be left unsupervised with them.

Please prioritise protecting the child and yourself over anything else.

I would suggest the first step would be to tell a medic what happened and get the baby checked.

i don’t believe stress is a good enough excuse for temper. Infact I can’t think of any reason a temper could be justified. If he was being triggered he should have given you the baby and gone off for a walk.

Oh OP, I understand you must love your husband and that this could all be due to a whole manor of things, but his intentions and the reasons he's struggling don't matter here - they can't matter. The only thing that matters is keeping your baby safe. You are all he has. Everyone finds babies (really) hard sometimes but shaking is something that can never happen. The shaking coupled with the other times he's made you feel fearful of how he is around the baby? It's already too much, and your child is too little. He needs to go, or if that can't safely happen, you need to take the baby where you know you're both safe. If he's doing this around you, you have no idea what could happen without you there to mediate or intervene. If he can't manage his anger, you need to remove yourself and your little one from the situation. Please, please, keep you and your baby safe.

You're underreacting.

Dangerous man I think. I would get him out for good he has no business being a parent. We all get frustrated by crying but just no!

Hi , I can only imagine how this might feel for you. Baby’s safety is the priority here. He’s an innocent child totally dependant on the adults. He cannot speak up and protect himself, so please be vigilant and do not allow any hurt to the baby. If the work is so stressful for husband that it puts his child and wife at risk is it worth it ? The work won’t be there for him or your child or you if something bad happens when he’s under stress. Did he ever consider to change the work? To find something less stressful. It is very unhealthy to stress so much over work. And in these kind of situations if he needs space he should leave home to B&b not mother and baby. Baby needs a safe and comfortable environment and you too to be able to provide the care. If you can until things get better with your husband’s mental health do not leave baby with him alone. His reactions and emotions also affect the baby. Children feel when parents are stressed. I hope things will get better in your family but baby’s safety should be the priority. Do you go to therapy with your husband as well ?

My ex met a new woman with child I warned her because I’d only been with him a short time but I did a background check before he could meet my child and it was horrendous. This new woman said I love him and I’m jealous. Her poor son. Thinking with her Fanny and protecting her son I find beyond shocking.

No no no..OP needs to leave her husband and get medical attention for her son, now. "If you can until things get better with your husband's mental health do not leave baby with him alone." There's no "if you can" about it, under no circumstances must the husband be left alone with the baby, even for a second. That is, until the police arrive to take him away. You are massively under reacting and giving dangerous advice
.

Baby needs to be taken to hospital now. Do not lie about what happened as they will not know what to look for.

your husband is dangerous.

What might appear a “gentle shake” can be and is so many times catastrophic and deadly to a young baby or child.
I could write pages about neurological damage and worse consequences when a young baby is shaken.
Don’t be that parent with a young baby having seizures or worse.
Don’t be the parent of this innocent child who is told there is no hope of recovery.
No matter what your circumstances are, your duty as a mother is to keep that precious baby safe and out of harms way.
Leave this abuser don’t even try to justify any of his potentially life threatening actions.
You need to take your baby to a&e immediately, I can’t even empathise how important this is.

I don’t post often but shaken baby syndrome terrifies me.

You need him to leave the house until he properly sorts himself out.

The baby cannot defend itself and one of the people meant to protect them is lashing out at it. Don’t be the other person meant to protect the baby that is letting it happen.

at which point my husband shook him a bit (not a serious head-flopping-back-and-forth shake, more like the way you might shake someone's shoulders to 'snap them out' of something.)

Your DH needs to leave. Your baby is not safe with him. Don’t risk it.

he is working to address his temper but he's not 100% there yet

And what about when he is 100% there, but then suddenly slides back one day when you are not home when your child is 4yo?

You mention he's going to the gym now. Has his behaviour worsened since he got into this? Could he be on steroids? It's a massive problem in those circles and is well known for causing rages.
In your situation I'd have a talk with your OH and ask him to take some time out and have a serious think about what he wants but in the meantime do not leave him alone with your child and at the first sign of aggression you leave. You can sort out who's staying where later but do not put your child at risk

You need to protect your baby.

Oh what?! Truly appalling. A grown man and a 6 month old baby? What a ''man''.

OP I'm so sorry this is happening to your but your post has honestly made me feel sick.

You have to take the advice of the multiple other posters - take your baby to get checked and get the hell out of there before your partner does something worse.

@KiwiRefuge I’m going to tell you what I would tell my own children, some of whom already have children, so if my post seems a bit mumsy at times, it’s because I have many children, with a big age range (21 years between oldest and youngest).

I'm very concerned about what you have posted, and I am concerned for your baby, you, and your husband. Having a teething baby (I think perhaps your baby is teething and hence is extra fussy, along with having a cold), can be very exhausting and stressful.

I don’t know if you have ever heard of shaken baby syndrome but you can google it. No person, regardless of age, should ever be shaken and what you describe as a “little shake” as if someone had grabbed someone else’s shoulders and shaken them, is not a little shake! Not to an adult and definitely not to a baby!

I'm sure that you’ve heard of whiplash, perhaps you’ve had whiplash? That’s very painful, right? Well, imagine a baby having that!

You’ve heard of boxers sustaining brain damage due to the thumping of their brain inside their skull? Well, imagine that happening to a baby!

When you shake a baby, their brain literally hits their skull.

Fussiness and excessive crying is a symptom of shaken baby syndrome - your husband may already have caused damage to your baby when he has shaken baby previously.

In mild cases of shaken baby syndrome, which you have described as happening here, baby may appear normal and fine but over time, these shaking incidents can cause health and/or behaviour problems.

A parent who gets frustrated and lashes out at baby, whether that be by shaking, slapping, hitting or in some other way, is not a safe person to be around baby.

Should something have happened already, or should something happen in the future, where your husband injures your baby, you will be prosecuted for child neglect, along with him.

Your internet history, along with every other aspect of your life, will be investigated and this post, will come to light at some stage, if you’ve used your home wifi or your telephone to make this post. I’m not trying to scare you, but I’ve seen it happen (I’m a nurse), and you’ve asked for advice, because you’re concerned.

You are your baby’s biggest advocate right now. Your baby can’t ask for help, can’t tell you when they’re afraid, or scared, or hurt, and so, it falls on you to make sure that your baby isn’t in situations where they need help, or are afraid, or scared, or hurt.

Right now, your husband doesn’t have just an anger management problem, he has a child abuse problem. He’s literally abusing your baby.

You need to take some measures right now to ensure your baby’s safety and well-being!

1. Call Childline or whatever child safety helpline is in your country.
2. Contact Family Services in your local area and get some help right now for you, your baby, and your husband.
3. Contact a solicitor because you need your husband to leave the property as he’s a risk right now to your baby and he may refuse to leave the marital home.
4. If you feel that you, or more importantly, your baby is in danger, call the Police.

Doing nothing is not an option, because your baby is at risk. You shouldn’t even be leaving the baby with someone who cannot control themselves and it’s worrying, that when the baby was crying and you asked your husband to give the baby to you, he not only refused BUT HE SHOOK THE BABY!

Has he every been violent or aggressive towards you? Anger management is a step in the right direction, but it takes time, like any therapy does, to work.

Please think carefully about what I, and everyone else here, has said. And do not leave baby alone, if husband in the house! If you need the loo, take baby with you in the car seat or whatever baby sits in at home. Need a shower? Baby is with you. It’s really, really important that husband is never, ever, alone with baby.

I'd consider staying away permanently, not for a few days.
Realistically though, you shouldn't have to move out, he should manage his stress/reactions better. Moving out because of work stress just isn't a thing I have ever heard happening before.

Protect your baby and get out.

I am very sorry to say this but if I knew you in real life I would report you and your husband to social services and possibly the police. Yes, this is that serious. You have to do something. Please tell a member of your family or a friend so that you have support. Call the NSPCC and ask them what you have just asked us. Poor poor baby.

Your husband's unpredictable lack and loss of control makes him a very dangerous man. Unfortunately, your baby's life is potentially at risk.