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Original poster

Is my husband's behavior toward my son cause for concern?

182 replies

KiwiRefuge · 14/08/2023 21:23

Apologies in advance for any breaches of etiquette. I'm new to the forum.

I spent the weekend at my parents' place with our 6 mo son to give my husband a bit of space to get some projects done. When we got back, I was doing some stuff in the kitchen while my husband watched the baby, who has a cold and is extra fussy. I let my husband know he could interrupt me if he needed to and that I was happy to take the baby if the crying was getting too much.

When the baby couldn't be soothed, my husband started cursing at him and became tearful with frustration. I offered to step in but he declined. The baby went from fussing to crying at which point my husband shook him a bit (not a serious head-flopping-back-and-forth shake, more like the way you might shake someone's shoulders to 'snap them out' of something.) At that point I took the baby from him and he went upstairs.

My husband is going to have a difficult week at work so I'm considering just getting an AirBnB with the baby to give him some additional space. But I tend to be a pretty catastrophic thinker and don't want to make things worse by overreacting.

If any additional context helps, this is not the first time I've been scared by how my husband handles the baby and we've had a few conversations about it. He'll go long stretches where he'll seem okay, but then something happens and he'll have an extreme reaction out of the blue.

Again, just wondering if I'm overreacting and if staying someplace else for a few days will only make things worse. Thanks in advance for the advice.

OP posts:
ShowerintheDark · 14/08/2023 23:23

You need him to leave, you have one child he shouldn't be this angry. He needs to work on himself and he can't be around your innocent child alone while he does.

sahm9 · 14/08/2023 23:25

You need to get your baby checked out by a medical professional. Tonight. You need to tell them that your husband shook your baby…

Runnerinthenight · 14/08/2023 23:28

This is so so bad! Nobody should ever curse at a baby, never mind shaking him - that is LTB territory!!

Do you want to wait until he kills or maims him?!

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specialsauce · 14/08/2023 23:28

If he can't cope with a tiny, crying baby how on hell is he going to stay calm during the terrible 2's, the whiny school mornings, the overexcited shrieking, the not eating their dinner, the treading mud through the house etc etc.

He can't be left alone with your child. It only takes a moment.

Such a difficult but also vital decision you must make asap.

Dillane · 14/08/2023 23:30

KiwiRefuge · 14/08/2023 21:29

He's been going to therapy, has some medication and goes to the gym on a pretty regular basis to help him work through things. I realize the original post makes him sound bad - he is working to address his temper but he's not 100% there yet.

Stop minimising he’s a danger to your baby. He needs to leave.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 14/08/2023 23:31

My DH is really busy at the moment and very anxious.

However I'm not planning to temporarily move out just in case he might assault my children.

You know what you have to do.

ShowerintheDark · 14/08/2023 23:32

As others have said take you and your baby somewhere safe, could you go to a relatives/your parents? Would dh leave?

This is a huge warning, you have so many sleepless nights ahead, teething, colds, tantrums etc, what will your husband do then? This will esculate, leave and safeguard your baby; don't take a single risk with your child.
My dh has a l stressful job, estranged parents which have meant years of therapy , has had at one point 2 dcs under 3, one of whom is autistic, we have no family support. Both babies were fussy with silent reflux, both had been in SCBU. He has never ever handled either of our children roughly, and never cursed at them.Everyone knows if your frustrated put baby down in safe place like a cot, leave the room, breathe and compose yourself, then go back/call for support.
There are absolutely no excuses for your dh's behaviour towards your baby.

MangoMandy · 14/08/2023 23:35

You are under-reacting. Please get yourself and your baby somewhere safe, without your husband.

Nicknamesforviolet · 14/08/2023 23:37

He shook your baby.

End of.

Yellowflower47 · 14/08/2023 23:38

OP, please please please take yourself and your baby to somewhere that you can be safe. DO NOT be that mum who ignores all the warning signs and then you end up in hospital with a critically ill baby one day, you’ll never forgive yourself. This isn’t normal behaviour, so please don’t minimise it. I’ve got a 7 month old myself and myself and DH run a company whilst caring for baby and running our home with no family support. It’s tough but there will never be a day that I shake my baby like that, no matter how frustrated I might get. You cannot trust this man with your baby.

nocoolnamesleft · 14/08/2023 23:38

This is terrifying. I have tried to resuscitate babies who it turned out were killed by shaking. I have cared for babies who were left permanently severely brain damaged by shaking. You are a hair's breadth away from that situation. For the love of god, protect your baby. Or the next time he loses his temper could end up with both of you in prison and your baby in a coffin.

Please, reach out for real help in the real world.

Hibiscrubbed · 14/08/2023 23:39

He needs to leave. Immediately. He’s a real and present danger. He’s already shaken the baby. If he shakes your baby to death or to the point of severe brain injury, you will never forgive yourself for ignoring the warning signs.

He needs to get out and this needs to be reported to his doctor.

Absolemsbong · 14/08/2023 23:42

A fully grown man who can’t control his temper around a tiny infant is a HUGE red flag to me.

I really hope you’re using contraception because the last thing you need is any more defenceless children around this nut job.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 14/08/2023 23:45

Escapingafter50years · 14/08/2023 21:26

I think you need to be better safe than sorry. This doesn't sound safe for an innocent child.

What steps has your husband taken to address his apparent lack of control?

This. Better to annoy your husband than have a brain damaged child due to shaking

specialsauce · 14/08/2023 23:45

Also, why is he in therapy? What else has he done with his temper? Has he hurt you? I'm worried now for both you and baby . . .

Startrekkeruniverse · 14/08/2023 23:46

I never say this - but OP you must leave him.

A crying baby can be very difficult and I’m sure we’ve all been driven round the twist by crying before but I can’t imagine ever laying a finger on a six month old baby. He’s unhinged and there is absolutely no excuse.

ShowerintheDark · 14/08/2023 23:47

'You need to get your baby checked out by a medical professional. Tonight. You need to tell them that your husband shook your baby…'

This ^

Also the shake you're talking about and sugar coating because it wasn't a "head flopping" one made me sick to my stomach. I would be devastated in your position and wouldn't be on MN making excuses for my husband.

Hawkins009 · 14/08/2023 23:47

On this, leave and split, that's no way to treat a baby.

Mirabai · 14/08/2023 23:49

This isn’t about temper it’s about aggression. Many people have tempers but we no danger to babies.

As long as he’s “not 100% there” on his temper he has the capacity to kill the baby as I’m sure you know.

Sunmoonandstarsforever · 14/08/2023 23:50

You shouldn’t even be wasting time posting on here…… get him out immediately. A mother’s instinct especially when baby is so new should be to not let that father anywhere near the baby ever again. We are their voice and protector at all times- I can’t believe your instinct wasn’t to get baby away from him for good. Please go to a safe place where he doesn’t know where you are

Acornsoup · 14/08/2023 23:52

Terrifying - this is only what he will let you see. Get the baby away from him. He's had the whole weekend off what's his problem. I don't care what help he's getting for his MH he is a danger to your baby. Please take this seriously.

Nat6999 · 14/08/2023 23:52

He should have put him down somewhere safe & walked away, not shook him. Ask him to leave & go to the Air bnb, not you. Don't allow him back until he has fully addressed his temper & proved he won't do it again, he could have killed or permanently injured him.

Acornsoup · 14/08/2023 23:53

And he's got a temper - fantastic. Get out tonight if you can - that is what refuges are for.

ThePoetsWife · 14/08/2023 23:54

Take him to the hospital for a check up - he may have sustained injuries.

caringcarer · 15/08/2023 00:02

Even a little shake can detach the retinas from a baby's eyes. If a baby gets shaken they can go blind. Only a monster would shake a little baby. If this was my dh I'd leave him and report it too. Especially if you've noticed he's been handling baby roughly before.

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