Parents do you think you would have been as happy without kids?

[James637]

I’m debating which way to go, and currently very on the fence.

Do you think if you hadn’t had kids you could have been as happy and fulfilled?

It seems like as you get older family and especially children and leaving something behind become the point of life.

I’m struggling to imagine other routes, there’s no life map for childfree people. Anyone know examples of people who lived meaningful lives childfree? (And I mean people you actually know, not Mother Teresa etc)

In an alternate universe where I decided not to ever have kids, I think I would still have been very happy, yes. And certainly financially a lot better off. I love my DC and don't regret them, but they've always been one aspect of my life and not the whole thing, and now they're less intensely dependent, I am very much enjoying rediscovering aspects of my independent adult self.

I would have been less happy if I'd decided to try and have children and been unsuccessful.

Yes, although with the caveat of being a parent of a young child so I don’t have much experience. I was very happy before I had them, and would hopefully continue to be so.

I can imagine being happy without kids, but really what I am imagining is the relief from responsibility. Realistically, if I had not had kids I would be pining over missing out.

I think if you are struggling to make this decision, then look at who you'd be having kids with. That will be the biggest factor in how you experience childraising. Any inequality in the relationship will magnify tenfold with kids in the mix.

No, I wouldn't have been happier or more fulfilled, because I wanted kids. It's very different if you don't want them or aren't sure that you do.

I would be happy, I would have to be. But I can honestly say I had been that happiest I have ever been when I had kids.

I really wanted kids so I don't think I'd have been happier not having them.
However. I do wonder now whether I'm actually cut out to be a parent. I adore them but it is hard work, relentless, and I cherish my time and space without them when they are at their dads.

No, because I'd have been forever distracted by the feeling of wanting kids. Do I sometimes look back at the kid-free days wistfully? Yes, but then I remember how much I wanted kids, and how much I looked forward to having them, and I realise I have what I want.

I have a baby and one on the way. I absolutely love it.
However if I’m honest the reason I love being a parent and find it relatively easy is because I have A LOT of support and I think that changes the entire parenting experience if I’m honest.

If you don’t have much or any support then I can imagine a childfree life to be much happier and more fulfilling. Without support parenting becomes your whole world so if you don’t absolutely love it then you could quite easily become depressed and overwhelmed by the responsibilities.

I’ve noticed out of my ‘mum’ friends, those of us with a lot of support seem really into parenting and life in general. Those without any support seem very stressed, tired or just generally ‘ok’ but not thriving.

So if I was you I would look at who I was having kids with and the wider support network as that will make a huge difference in your parenting experience and even the responses you get.

Someone with a lazy partner, no grandparent input and no childcare outside nursery will have a completely different view on parenting to someone who has a hands on partner, active involved grandparents, aunts and uncles etc.

If I didn’t have the support I do I’m not sure it would quite so enjoyable and a childfree life maybe would then be happier. Although I’d probably still have at least one because I yearned to be a mother.

I was happier without

Happy, healthier, undoubtedly better off financially. And a lot less stressed.

I love them, I am glad we had them and they are the best people I know. But had I chosen otherwise, I’d have still had lots of happiness and fun in my life.

It’s not necessary to be a parent to be happy

No I don't think so. I was intensely desperate for a child when we conceived. Maybe that feeling would have passed, or maybe it wouldn't, and we'd have tried for ages before giving up. I think I'd have been desperately sad for a while, and even if day to day I moved on and was fine, I think it would have always been a sadness within me.

My only fulfilment in life is currently from my children. I love them beyond measure and would do anything to help them live good and happy lives.

However, if I was single I'd still be able to take part in a time intensive hobby (musician). Freely travel wherever I want to visit my friends scattered around the world and have much more choice about where I live and who I live with. My life fulfilment would be about me, not someone else. Children were never part of my plan so wouldn't have pined for them.

I don't regret bringing my girls into the world for one second. But I definitely would have been happy if I hadn't embarked on parenthood.

I don’t regret having children. I regret having them with their father.

My advice is to be extremely selective about who you have children with. Unless he is up to scratch, forget having children. I have 3 neurodiverse children and it’s exasperating and exhausting. Their father has always done the minimal amount of parenting.

The happiest times of my life were without kids but I was much younger, I went to uni, travelled extensively, owned my own home, financially secure & was carefree which I think makes for happiness anyway but I chose to have children because I wanted to & although I was happy it was a different kind of happiness but I think it’s perfectly possible to have a very content & fulfilling life without them

I think there’s potential for me to have been far happier without kids had I known the reality of child rearing however that happiness wouldn’t have come to fruition because of the intense longing I’d have had for a baby.

If I had the knowledge I have now and knew really just how hard it is, I would have had a happy life without kids but I always wanted them (as in since I was a toddler!) so I expect I would have always felt unfulfilled.

I was reasonably content without a husband and children, but nothing like the level of joy in my life now. I think I'd have always ached for children long after the time had passed to be able to have them.

For what it's worth, the research on this topic is very clear: having kids makes people less happy, and couples a lot less harmonious.

People have argued that this is due to inadequacy of measurement - children are "all joy and no fun". But when you measure the present happiness of parents of dependent DC, they invariably say they are less happy than nonparents are.

If you are ambivalent enough to ask the question - and the main reason you are considering it is FOMO, rather than actively having a draw towards it - I think the odds are very high that you'd be perfectly happy without them.

Absolutely. I had never planned to have a child, and was perfectly happy childfree. Then I decided to have a child aged 39, and while I adore him and am glad I had him, I'm pretty sure I would have been just as happy, only differently, had I chosen to stay childfree. Having said that, I think part of the reason I've found having a child generally interesting and unproblematic has been (1) having one child by choice and (2) having him after having nearly 20 years of adult life to focus on work, travel, fun, friendships, relationships -- it hasn't been an issue to curtail some of that for a few years, whereas I think I'd have struggled with missing out had I had a child in my 20s.

I'd resolved beforehand to accept not having children if I couldn't conceive naturally, but I always wanted children even before I had any sense of the intense love and joy they would give me and I'm sure I was happier for having had them.

If you'd asked me when I was wrangling teenagers with behaviour issues, the combination of autism and adolescence, and a severe eating disorder I might have given a different response, but the preteen years and having young adults have been lovely.

I don't think you can really miss what you never had. I can see aspects of life without children that would have been very comfortable indeed - more free time, more money etc. We had made a solid decision before TTC that if we had any problems, we would not be pursuing IVF or adoption so although we did end up with a family, we would have accepted if it just didn't happen for us. I'm happy to have my daughter but I struggle to relate to people who have a yearning to have kids and burst into tears when someone else announces pregnancy (but I'm also not an emotional person)

I'm nothing without them. My love is experienced threefold. Life experiences are happier, clearer, deeper. they give my life meaning. I would be just a shadow without them.

I wasn’t the type who was always desperate to have kids, but they have been the most meaningful, rewarding and joyful experience of my life and a love like I have never known. I’m so pleased to be a mum. Of course there are moments that are less fun or happy but the depth of joy when it comes is even more than other things I loved before (eg travel).

No

They are the best thing I've ever done in my life

When I compare my life pre kids to post kids I know which I'd prefer

I think I would probably have been happier in many ways if I hadn't had a child. However, I find parenthood interesting and challenging - it has made me really examine myself and confront what pushes my buttons. And hopefully DD (and any other) will have a lifelong relationship with me - I'm looking forward to hopefully having parent / adult child relationships, and getting to know their friends and partners. Not that there any guarantees. But I wouldn't class this as the pursuit of happiness.