Parents do you think you would have been as happy without kids?

[James637]

I’m debating which way to go, and currently very on the fence.

Do you think if you hadn’t had kids you could have been as happy and fulfilled?

It seems like as you get older family and especially children and leaving something behind become the point of life.

I’m struggling to imagine other routes, there’s no life map for childfree people. Anyone know examples of people who lived meaningful lives childfree? (And I mean people you actually know, not Mother Teresa etc)

I had a fun life before I had my child. Lived in several different countries, travelled, indulged in my passions (hobbies etc) but nothing compares to holding your baby in your arms. Nothing at all. Seeing friends break down when they couldn’t fall pregnant highlights to me that when all is said and done, family and those you love is all that matters - especially your own child. We’re being brainwashed into the cult of selfishness and thinking about one’s self. Having a baby challenges all of that and rightly so.

In the end, follow your heart. If you’re happy to continue having fun without the responsibility, then good for you. If you want a full life, seeing the world through young, innocent eyes, experience a profound love, then nothing beats having your own family.

I have 2 children, now adult/teen, but if I hadn’t been able to have them, I’m sure I’d have mostly been happy and just had a different life. There would probably have always been part of me that was a little sad, (because I’d have wanted them), just like there is about other things in my life that didn’t work out as I’d like.

I’m so glad we had children, they’re lovely and I really love being a mum. My partner is a fantastic dad and our kids are so close, we’re just really happy. But, we still have other things that matter to us, I don’t agree that nothing else matters, we’re still people too! We’ve maintained a great relationship as a couple, we have friends, hobbies, interests etc. Once your kids get into their teens, you need to still have the things that make you you! Our kids are always our priority, but most of the time they’re fine so there’s lots of time for other things.

I have a close group of friends, two have no children by choice. They’re both very happy and have never doubted their decision, children just were never something they wanted in their life. It’s a shame people make such a big deal of it, they’ve both had some very inappropriate comments directed at them over the years. They would hate to be pitied, they’re living the life they wanted!

I’d often think this about people who had made x decision or y… like ‘well J from work never had kids / did x and they seem happy with it’. Sounds completely obvious, but just occurred to me recently I have no idea really how J feels about X.

Not saying this is the case with your uncle of course! Just can’t imagine (with my family anyway!) I’d necessarily know if a relative regretted having or not having kids.

Does this mean people who can’t have kids therefore can’t live a full life?!

Yes.

I never said that and this is a way to always thwart the conversation.

I did not have my child till my 40s. I used to cry at night thinking it would never happen for me. I was bereft frankly but had decided to put my energy into charity work etc. Then quite by chance met my husband. Was still sad that I had left it too late biologically but within a month of marriage, I fell pregnant.

If I never had a child there would have been a void. I know that. Do others feel the same way? Judging by my friends, yes. But does that mean everyone should have a child? No. Have one of you want one. I’m just giving you my own feelings and whether or not “I” would have been happy without children which is unequivocally a big no.

I don’t know much about them personally, so no, I don’t pity them. Perhaps they don’t want children and so they’re living their lives as they choose. If they wanted children and it never happened for them, then yes I’d feel a degree of pity, as I would for anyone who really wanted something that didn’t work out.

You're a journalist, right?

I've never before seen a post from someone 'on the fence' about parenthood, whuch does nothing but attack the lifestyles of childfree people.

The issue is if you want children (as I did) then it would be difficult to be happier as there would be a feeling of loss.

But I assume that on the whole child free people are happier as they have freedom, time to relax/enjoy hobbies. Have relaxing holidays and generally create a life that they want.

When you have children there's a lot of compromise it impacts on your career, relationship and social life.

The only similar conversation I’ve had was with an older lady (close to retirement) at work about siblings.
She was an only child and said that until she had her own children she didn’t realise how much not having a sibling growing up affected her.
I suppose what I’m saying is, highnsight is a wonderful thing.

Personally my children bring such fulfilment but it’s hard in this world. Not being a mother, that part is easy. It’s the pull between having to work to be able to put a roof over their heads and food in their belly, and because of that, missing their milestones, spending quality time with them because the time you’re not at work is chores, food shopping, cooking etc.

Being child free is being responsibility free but as for living a happy life and fulfilled life, that is not possible without children if you’re debating about having them. They’ll always be something missing.

I guess I’m hoping that if I don’t have them the feeling of unease will pass. I don’t want to constantly be thinking ‘what if’ but at the same time, FOMO isn’t a good reason to have kids

I wouldn't have been happy I don't think. Though certainly life would have been infinitely easier financially and more interesting in other ways.

Hard no. Of course my old life mattered. It still does.

WTF. My old life still matters. I go on solo holidays too, because frankly I get sick of catering to the demands and needs of my family. And I spent a lot of time alone, not glued to my children.

I have zero pity for Jennifer Aniston and Keanu Reeves with their successful careers and meaningful lives.

Are you a Daily Mail journalist? Your questions are weird.

I have several friends who are child free by choice. One is an amazing artist who works to fund her art, it gets exhibited all over the world. She has a loving husband and 2 gorgeous pups. She will leave a legacy in her art, and is such a wonderful friend her legacy is in the hearts of all she's befriended.

Others are child free having not found a partner in their reproductive years. I know they'd have wanted kids but their work, hobbies and interests keep them busy and very engaging to spend time with.

Of course people can lead meaningful child free lives.

Not at all. My old life matters and I need more than motherhood to be fulfilled.

My son is a wonderful addition to my life and he is a big part of it but he isn't my whole, entire life. I have more and need more such as career, hobbies etc which have remained important to me.

I'm 58 and child free by choice. I've been watching this thread with interest for a different perspective and have been so enjoying the happiness and love that most posters express about their beloved children.

The more I read though, the more I think the OP (no other posters, just the OP) is trying to spin the thread to make people say divisive and derogatory things. Trying to pit women against each other about their choices is a strange way to go. Why? For a newspaper article perhaps?

For balance - family isn't everything to everyone. For some people, just living their own way is enough. I've never wanted children, my husband never wanted children. We've lead a life full of people, interests, careers, a business, animals, wider family, travel, study and happiness and joy. It's been bloody ace and no, we're not lonely, we are not hollow, we feel there is meaning to our lives. I'm sure if kids had come along we'd have done all we could to have made their lives wonderful and would have thrown ourselves into family life 100% as we have every other aspect of this one fantastic wild life we're all given. I know we would have found much joy in the process.

Family/children/no children......if we humans are lucky we all have the opportunity to choose and live in a way that suits us and no one way is right/wrong or necessarily happier.

OP, if you're not sure, then I would say speak to people who know and love you and follow your heart. Only you can give your life meaning......there is no external source, including a child, that can give that to you if it's not within you.

Pitying child free by choice people is so condescending. They don't want your pity.

I agree about the OP's divisive comments and questioned them above if they're a journalist. I think they must be.

I’m certainly not a journalist! I’m just someone who overthinks everything to the Nth degree and big life decisions like this are the worst!

The reason I brought up the celebrities was in response to someone saying that their life felt empty before having children compared to after, and that it opened another ‘dimension’. I was interested to see if they would say that’s the truth even if you are a successful film star with a great career.

From reading through the comments though I’m getting to some points -

• Don’t have them unless you really want them
• Life child free is likely to be a lot easier but maybe not as fullfiling
• Either path in life there’s up and downs
• You are likely to sometimes wonder ‘what it’ whichever route you take

I think the last point is my issue. I would be much more comfortable staying childfree I think but I think I will constantly be thinking ‘what if’ and wondering how it could have been. I don’t know if that point alone would just tempt me to take the plunge!

I think if you’re having to dissect having children so much, it probably isn’t for you.

OP I totally understand! I always wanted kids but during a period in my late 20s (single) came to terms with the fact it might not happen. When I did meet someone mid 30s I questioned everything all over again (far more than in my 20s!) I just take it seriously and want to be mindful of the realities – I don’t think that means you shouldn’t have kids or don’t really want them, I think it shows a mature and responsible attitude to such a huge decision that will affect people other than yourself.

Getting a bit older and moving towards late 30s, the prospect of missing the opportunity to have kids is suddenly very real and I feel horrified by the idea of it in a way I didn’t when the choice was totally mine and there was endless (seemingly!) time ahead.

There are loads of arguments not to but I can’t help but think that if everyone examined all the potential pitfalls in punishing detail no one would ever have kids.

I completely understand how difficult it is to weight up when you can’t know how it is until it’s been decided! I think it’s just an awareness of how the reality of things are not always how you imagine them to be!!

@James637

Your last point was exactly why I decided to have a child. I would have always thought 'what if?' if I'd stayed child free, but I know what I'm missing by having a child because I was (happily) child free for until I was nearly 40.

No-one can tell you what to decide, and you may find that the decision is taken out of your hands anyway. All I can say is that I don't regret my decision, but that the reality of having a baby/small child was much harder than I had anticipated. That said, she'll grow up soon enough and I will get the chance to all the things I want again.

I was happy before having a child as my sole purpose in life was not children I actually had a perfectly happy life, so I am just as happy with a child just different happy