Parents do you think you would have been as happy without kids?

[James637]

I’m debating which way to go, and currently very on the fence.

Do you think if you hadn’t had kids you could have been as happy and fulfilled?

It seems like as you get older family and especially children and leaving something behind become the point of life.

I’m struggling to imagine other routes, there’s no life map for childfree people. Anyone know examples of people who lived meaningful lives childfree? (And I mean people you actually know, not Mother Teresa etc)

No, I don’t think I would be happy or fulfilled without my kids. I knew I wanted children from my early 20s and had a strong maternal urge.
I’m due to become even more fulfilled and happy as a Grandma in the new year 🥰
No children/ grandchildren would have made me pretty unhappy I’m certain.

Yes but I can only know that now I have had children. Without them, I would have endlessly wondered what if...

meaning i live for them, because they bring me so much joy

whats sad about that?

i have my own hobbies, interests and life outside of being "mum" all day. But without them, my life is not whole

Definitely not. I absolutely adore my children and cannot believe how lucky I am to have them. And it's not just the kids, the friends I've made through the children, the lifestyle I now lead, the place we live, and the things we do as a family and experience is all because of them. If we didn't have children, obviously I don't know where life would have taken us, and I'm sure I would have been happy doing something completely different, but when I think about my personal experience of pre, post children, my life is far more fulfilling and happy now. The kids play a huge part in that (obviously) but just being a parent in the place we now live makes me so happy. It's made me feel like such a sense of belonging in our local community, and the mums I've met with children the same ages are the best friends I could ever ask for, we all pitch in and help eachother out with the logistics of being working mums, and it's so lovely to not just be bringing up my own kids, but helping out others with theirs, being a positive part of other children's lives, and getting help with mine in return. It's brought us closer to our wider family on both sides, with siblings and cousins having children of similar ages. It would be alot less enjoyable without the support network we have though. My mum is the most hands on granny going, and dhs parents help out loads. Having children has given me the life I have now, and I'm forever grateful that I get to be their mum.

Big score for the ‘having kids’ team there

I guess it depends on your lifestyle. Travel etc
I am quite a boring person, I have 1 DS and 1 on the way. There are times I miss being able to do things when I want, have spare money etc but nothing for me beats the "i love you mummy"
He's only 3 so I'm sure it'll get harder as he gets older but I couldn't imagine life without him now and wouldn't want to. Will get my freedom back when theyre grown up!😂

Anyone know examples of people who lived meaningful lives childfree?

Huh?

If you cannot imagine having a meaningful life without children then stop dithering about on MN and get on with it. Stop wasting time.

I don’t think so, because of how desperately unhappy I was going through 4 years of infertility and how delighted I have been since DD was born (albeit it has been very hard at times and she is only 1). I would, eventually, have gotten over the pain if we hadn’t been lucky and had IVF work but I think it would have been long and hard with lifelong effects.

Whereas someone who wanted to be childfree would likely be less happy if they had a child.

There are things I could have done in theory had we not had DD- more travel, focused on my writing, volunteered, taken up a hobby, learned a new skill etc but I’m not sure if I’d have actually done any of that except probably the travel.

I'm sure I wouldn't have been happier without children. Yes, the early years were hard, physically and because of the financial sacrifices, but now that they are adults there is no one I'm happier to see! I'm so proud of the people they've grown into and grateful for the partners they've brought into our lives.

I think you're right to wonder about getting older without children. Certainly, I find facing older age easier with them. I love having that foothold in another generation, seeing their perspectives and challenges. Having them also helped me to have a better relationship with and understanding of my own parents, and to cope with losing them more easily.

DH's brother doesn't have children, and neither do either of my Mum's sisters. DH and I think we are finding getting older easier than they are, but I'm sure there must have been times when they wondered why we were putting ourselves through having children!

Life before my child was born was a parallel world. I was really happy and I think I'd have continued to be happy if I didn't choose to have her. I was dragging my heels about it because I was worried I might hate parenthood and miss all my freedom.

Having her is a different kind of happiness, it's like apples and oranges. It's really hard to explain. But the love I have for her brings me an immensely powerful sense of joy. It's like the world is in technicolour now. Everything good in my life is even better with her. I'm so glad that I jumped off the previous, 'childfree' track, and onto this one. If I could go back and talk to my pre-baby self I would beg her to take the plunge and promise her it'd be worth it.

But if I never had her, I wouldn't know how it felt. And I was happy before. So it's like a case of not knowing what you're missing I guess? But also, you do make a lot of sacrifices. There are perks to being childfree. But she brings me more happiness than any of those perks ever did.

So had you not been able to have kids you would be nothing or would have nothing to live for or be a whole person?

Incredibly sad.

No, I get this. I feel the same. If I'd never had my daughter, I would feel complete. I would be complete. But now I have her, if I ever lost her I'd never feel whole again. A part of me would always be missing. That only becomes true once you have a child though, it doesn't mean that people who are childfree aren't complete as people.

No, absolutely not. I was happy before having my son, of course, but there’s no doubt that having him has been the best thing to ever happen to me. I always dreamed of being a mother and we really struggled to conceive so it just feels like an absolute blessing every single day.

No, my three DCs are all young adults now.
I have a great career, really good relationship (with their Dad) and I live in my favourite place.
but they have brought me so much joy, fun, heartbreak, interest… so much meaning.
I think I definitely could have been happy without children, but not as fulfilled.

I love my son, but before having him, I was not a children person. I’m still not, and largely the decision to try for a baby was driven by my husband really wanting one and me agreeing in the sense that it was eventually what people tend to do.

As much as I love him, I haven’t ever found my sense of purpose through being a mother. He also has autism, which I suppose adds to the fact my experience of parenthood is never ending low level stress and worry.

As he gets older, it has gotten better. I think I definitely connect more with kids when they have more of a personality and are able to connect with you (which has been very slow with him due to speech delay).

I miss being able to do whatever I want, when I want. I wish we had made the most of the time we had before parenthood to go on holidays, experience things, just enjoy BEING with no ties. My answer may be different as time goes by and we develop through the parenthood phases

I really wanted kids from a young age and had them in my 20s. I don't think I'd be happy if I hadn't had them. But I think I'd be happier still if they didn't have SEN as it's often been an isolating experience and harder than "typical", especially as we have almost no external help (besides school) as family, friends etc understandably don't want to look after children who are prone to meltdowns.

People who are parents do you feel pity for the likes of Jennifer Anniston and Keanu Reeves? Almost like they’ve gained the world but also missed out on the point of it all which is family?

Not at all. Families can and do exist without children.

It’s about love. Right now you’re talking about something abstract but when you hold your baby in your arms, your previous life no longer matters. Being responsible for another human also changes things. Personally I’ve loved every moment.

I do feel a bit sorry for Jennifer Anniston as I believe she did want children. But I don’t pity anyone who has made a choice not to have children.

Would everyone agree with this???? That your old life no longer matters????

I had my son at a young age. I live with my 13 year old daughter who is now an Aunty! I'm a Grandma.
It's been a long hard journey as a single parent to both, but to hold my granddaughter is the most wonderful thing in the world.
To hold my own children was of course too, but I'd never have another one.
I've been a parent for more than half of my life and I'm still in my 40's. It's bloody hard work and it will be until I die. I wouldn't change it though. I can't can I? 🤣

Yes. Nothing matters other than them.

I take that back. I've very much enjoyed parts of my old life, few and far between though. That said, I was so young and my old life included a lot of partying. I've grown up with my son really. I go on holiday just me and daughter. It's a different kind of life.

My uncle is 52 now, he is not married and does not have any kids. He seems pretty happy now.