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Parents do you think you would have been as happy without kids?

267 replies

James637 · 05/07/2023 12:50

I’m debating which way to go, and currently very on the fence.

Do you think if you hadn’t had kids you could have been as happy and fulfilled?

It seems like as you get older family and especially children and leaving something behind become the point of life.

I’m struggling to imagine other routes, there’s no life map for childfree people. Anyone know examples of people who lived meaningful lives childfree? (And I mean people you actually know, not Mother Teresa etc)

OP posts:
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James637 · 06/07/2023 22:25

I think I overthink a lot and therefore I always think of the ‘what ifs’ when making big decisions. I don’t know one way or the other which is why it makes it more tricky. I wouldn’t be bothered about society and life paths if I had full confidence in know which way I wanted to go.

OP posts:
garfieldeatscake · 06/07/2023 22:38

My dsis doesn't have kids, she has no regrets whatsoever, especially after spending a week with mine😂😂😂.
She always said she was too selfish to have kids, although I think she saw how much I aged, and was constantly exhausted after having mine and it consolidated her feelings of not wanting children.
I would much rather my kids had a career than had kids themselves. Or had relationships where child rearing is exactly 50/50.
My dm was a sahp, and had no financial worries. So that was my model. But the big difference was we couldn't afford a sahp, but stupidly, somehow because 'the women running the home' was so ingrained and reinforced by my dm and my mil, I ended up doing all the chores, all the child related stuff and all the clock watching, constantly running from dropping kids, to work, to picking kids up, whilst absolutely nothing changed for dh.
If I could turn the clock back I would either: not have had kids; or I wouldn't have married dh.
I really hope that by the time my Dc are thinking about having families it's a 50/50 split. If not I won't be encouraging them to breed!

Nogbadthebad · 07/07/2023 08:10

Celebrity child free Couples
Hepburn and Tracey
Dolly Parton and Carl Dean
Helen Mirren and Taylor Hackford
Oprah and her DH
Ina Garten and the lovely Jeffrey

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

James637 · 07/07/2023 11:13

What about ones in their 40s/50s? I can probably relate to them more 😂😂

I know Nicole Swezinger (terrible spelling) and her BF don’t have kids

OP posts:
Barneysma2 · 07/07/2023 11:23

It's 2023, are we really still asking childfree people if they are able to live meaningful lives without children and if you would feel pity for someone who has decided not to have children. Really? What an insulting comment to make OP. I certainly don't need anyone's pity and I have a wonderful meaningful life without children thank you. I wouldn't judge anyone for having children so why is it always asked of childfree people why they don't want children and if they can have a fulfilling life without them. Let me tell you, we can and do have nice lives, just like people with children do. We need to stop being pit against each other as who's life is better. This record needs changing as its so boring.

Hbh17 · 07/07/2023 11:33

OP, if you're not sure about doing it, then don't. Lots of childfree people (like me) feel perfectly happy without kids. But if you're relying on children to make you feel "fulfilled", then that is a dangerous road to go down. None of us, parents or not, should be depending on other human beings for our happiness..... we all have to find fulfilment within ourselves.

InceyWinceySpidy · 07/07/2023 12:11

Barneysma2 · 07/07/2023 11:23

It's 2023, are we really still asking childfree people if they are able to live meaningful lives without children and if you would feel pity for someone who has decided not to have children. Really? What an insulting comment to make OP. I certainly don't need anyone's pity and I have a wonderful meaningful life without children thank you. I wouldn't judge anyone for having children so why is it always asked of childfree people why they don't want children and if they can have a fulfilling life without them. Let me tell you, we can and do have nice lives, just like people with children do. We need to stop being pit against each other as who's life is better. This record needs changing as its so boring.

No, we're not.

The OP isn't asking childfree people anything. She's asking parents how they think they would have felt, knowing what it is to raise children, if they would have remained happy if they hadn't.

@James637 Like many on this thread, I think if I hadn't been able to have children, I would have struggled, thinking I was missing out. As it happens, I have 3DC I love dearly, and they bring joys that inherently only come with children...but they can hinder joys that come without children.

It's impossible to say without knowing you. But for example, things like travel. I love it. Most people do. But travel before 3DC involved a simple "Can we both get the time off? Great, where shall we go? What's in our budget?" Whether that be a weekend away in Norfolk, or 2 weeks in The Caribbean. Travel now involves, "Who's at school that week? How much have the prices gone up for half term? Can DH get that specific week off?" Buying three more new sets of holiday things, for children who don't fit their last years stuff. Three more plane ticketss to buy. Three more people to pay for accommodation. Planning is like a military operation, just making sure 5 people have got everything they need, packed in time, in cases that we can actually carry because the two youngest can't carry theirs. Then there's the 2hrs getting to the airport, and the 3hrs hanging around before boarding with toddler DTwins, who are not down for that length of time hovering. So we need entertainment for them. And the flight. And the hanging around the other end. And the transfer. And snacks for all of that. And nappies. Then the accommodation needs to fit 5 people. And have things for the DC to do. A kids club for a couple of the days is great, but often expensive, especially with 3. For these exact reasons, we haven't gone abroad since DTwins have been born (covid babies as well) and I really miss travelling. This is the longest period in my life, since birth that I haven't had a holiday away. But to pay 3 times more, for an experience that will frankly be a fucking nightmare, isn't high on my to do list either. It was different with just DS, I took him all over the world, so this isn't a fair reflection on travelling with a child, because I did that with ease, but travelling with more than one, the costs and difficulties significanly increase with each young child.

But, and this is where it's down to the person in question. The fact that we won't go abroad until next year, without question, pisses me off. But in context to how much I love the DC, pales into insignificance. I could have a very fulfilling and happy life without DC, because I did before I had them. No doubts about that. But, of course, at that point, I was unaware how happy DC would make me. If I had never had them, I would be none the wiser and have carried on having a perfectly nice life. It's only now that I know both the happiness I felt pre-DC and post DC, that I can draw a direct comparison, and say, for me, I far prefer the happiness that comes with children, more than the happiness of having no restrictions that come with children. Only you can answer that for yourself OP. There are some people who have deeply regretted having children. There are some who can not imagine life not having them, even before they have them.

You'll almost certainly have more disposable income without DC, you'll have all your free time, for yourself. You work only to the schedule you have for yourself. I think there is a misconception that because someone only has themselves to consider, that it makes them inconsiderate. It literally just means they have the ease of only considering and freedom to change their own schedule, because they haven't actively added dependents too it.

To echo PP, it also makes a massive difference if you have people around you to give you support and a break when you need one. We have literally no childcare option for DTwins, other than nursery, which costs an arm and a leg. Only one set of GPs are involved, and they haven't ever had DTwins, not even for an afternoon. With single DS, he stayed over GPs from a young age and there was a lot more freedom for me. DTwins, are a handful, and GPs are now that little bit older and can't be running in two directions after them. So they just don't have them. I get 6 hours break, 4 times a week. Which sounds a lot, but really isn't when they are this little. I can literally do nothing when they are here, I'm just supervising them and cleaning up after them. Plus, the cost is insane, we're paying for the 4 sessions to save my sanity from The Gruffalo on loop, and to be able to get anything done around the house, and equally to enable DH to work from home those days without "Will you stop licking that ladybird!" being shrieked in the background of his work calls. Other than that, I have to start my day at 7pm when they've gone to sleep, and frankly by then I want to just eat my dinner and have some down time. It will improve massively when they hit 4, have matured more, have got fully out of napppies, and are in school. Again, I'm not selling it well, so to speak, but I wouldn't swap this for the world. Maybe that's an indication of how much real life happiness the DC bring, because on paper, it does undeniably sound shit - and yet the reality makes it all worth it.

James637 · 07/07/2023 16:11

I was asking just that yes, but it’s not meant to offend anyone it’s purely a question and you can see from a lot of the posters above that a lot of them wouldn’t have been fulfilled without kids. They are saying they would have felt a loss and sadness. I’m not agreeing with anyone’s opinion just trying to forge my own and therefore my decision.

OP posts:
Talkingtothetrees · 07/07/2023 19:36

I always wanted children so yes, I would have been very sad if I didn't have them.

JulieHoney · 07/07/2023 19:42

But if you're relying on children to make you feel "fulfilled", then that is a dangerous road to go down. None of us, parents or not, should be depending on other human beings for our happiness..... we all have to find fulfilment within ourselves

@Hbh17 has it bang on.

Children or no children, if you are looking to another person for fulfilment or meaning, you are putting an unfair burden on that person and are setting yourself up for disappointment.

At some point they grow up and leave. That’s as it should be. They may move very far away. Who can say?

I want to be their safe harbour, not a weight tethering them to me.

FourTeaFallOut · 07/07/2023 19:51

No, I wouldn't have felt as happy or fulfilled. But then, I wanted to have children, I wanted a busy family life, I wanted the adventure of being pregnant and be a part of their lives as they move through their infancy, childhood and teenage years and then into the adults they will become.

But if I hadn't wanted children then all of the work that goes into it would feel like a reward-less burden so I would have engineered a life of happiness and reward through other avenues.

Clingfilm · 07/07/2023 20:01

If I was with DH, I'd definitely feel there was something missing, and coming from large families we'd stand out.
If I was single I'd be content, I wasn't interested in kids in general but I was interested in having my husband's kids. Weird attraction urge thing.

James637 · 07/07/2023 20:30

I’ve just watched a video where Elon Musk was saying ‘nothing will make you happier than having kids’ and then Beyoncé said ‘her kids introduced her to herself’

Starting to think there must be something in this having children malarkey 😂

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 07/07/2023 20:41

Elon Musk has grave concerns about depopulation and the inversion of the population pyramid. He's not just a disinterested observer offering charitable information to the masses.

I do think that having kids is amazing. But don't do it because Elon said so.

Londisc · 07/07/2023 20:48

It is a rare parent, particularly mother, who would say that they would have been as happy not having their children and therefore had gone through all the shit without a huge reward. I was at a workshop with a 60-year-old playwright and professer recently and she said to the group of mainly mid-late twenty something students that she regretted having children and they were visibly and audibly horrified. There was a collective gasp. One of the men blurted out "You don't mean that!" and could not compute her simple response of "Yes, I'm serious."

I like this from Sheila Heti on the to have or not to have: On the one hand, the joy of children. On the other hand, the misery of them. On the one hand, the freedom of not having children. On the other hand, the loss of never having had them—but what is there to lose? The love, the child, and all those motherly feelings that the mothers speak about in such an enticing way, as though a child is something to have, not something to do. The doing is what seems hard. The having seems marvellous.

FourTeaFallOut · 07/07/2023 21:09

Lots of things in life can be hard though. Many people find meaning and growth in the challenge. So we study the thing we don't yet know, we pursue careers years and decades in the making, we push our limits in sports and hobbies.

I have no inclination to climb Everest. It's not my cup of tea at all, even if I were capable. But I understand that the difficulty in reaching the summit is not just part of the process it's part of the pleasure. I don't suppose anyone gets to the top and goes, "Don't you just wish they had a lift?"

But for some reason we are expected to put the time, the effort and the difficulty that can come with the challenges of having children entirely in the con pile. A child to have may as well be a doll but a child to raise is a gift - so long as that is what you wanted - it might not be your Everest.

James637 · 07/07/2023 21:15

The issue is… you don’t know whether it’s ‘your Everest’ until you’ve started the climb without a map to get back down

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 07/07/2023 21:21

I know - there's no way around it. It requires a ridiculous leap of faith and there's no guarantees.

InceyWinceySpidy · 07/07/2023 21:27

FourTeaFallOut · 07/07/2023 21:21

I know - there's no way around it. It requires a ridiculous leap of faith and there's no guarantees.

The only thing we know, is most people love it. So law of averages and all that I suppose.

But that's little consolation if you find you're not in that camp. And you'll be living with the consequences intensely for around twenty years. Less intensely for the rest of your life. That's a lot of life

Londisc · 07/07/2023 22:11

Funnily enough I have done something like climbing Everest and lots of people ask me about it and I say, I guess most would say it’s Type II fun. Rarely Will people admit it was Type III fun but the kudos for having done it is what enables us to say it’s Type II. If I’m honest I’m not fussed about the kudos and, yeah, it was Type III but makes for a good discussion! Type I = fun to do at the time and in hindsight. Type II = not fun to do at the time but fun in hindsight. Type Iii… you get the picture! Most people make the best of what life gives them - nothing is perfect and without challenge and regrets. As a man, the OP at least has more time on his side to see how things pan out.

NomDe · 08/07/2023 02:07

Londisc · 07/07/2023 22:11

Funnily enough I have done something like climbing Everest and lots of people ask me about it and I say, I guess most would say it’s Type II fun. Rarely Will people admit it was Type III fun but the kudos for having done it is what enables us to say it’s Type II. If I’m honest I’m not fussed about the kudos and, yeah, it was Type III but makes for a good discussion! Type I = fun to do at the time and in hindsight. Type II = not fun to do at the time but fun in hindsight. Type Iii… you get the picture! Most people make the best of what life gives them - nothing is perfect and without challenge and regrets. As a man, the OP at least has more time on his side to see how things pan out.

What is type 3 fun!?

Londisc · 08/07/2023 07:36

https://www.rei.com/blog/climb/fun-scale types of fun with reference to motherhood

NomDe · 08/07/2023 07:53

Londisc · 08/07/2023 07:36

https://www.rei.com/blog/climb/fun-scale types of fun with reference to motherhood

Did you write this?

Londisc · 08/07/2023 08:06

No

BunnyBettChetwynd · 08/07/2023 10:58

Until I read @Londisc 's post I'd not clocked that the OP is a man. I did question the identifying with 45 year old celebs, but didn't put two and two together.

If the OP is a man all my interest in this thread and his thoughts has disappeared in a puff of smoke. I guess this says more about me than the thread, the OP or the question.