Parents do you think you would have been as happy without kids?

[James637]

I’m debating which way to go, and currently very on the fence.

Do you think if you hadn’t had kids you could have been as happy and fulfilled?

It seems like as you get older family and especially children and leaving something behind become the point of life.

I’m struggling to imagine other routes, there’s no life map for childfree people. Anyone know examples of people who lived meaningful lives childfree? (And I mean people you actually know, not Mother Teresa etc)

Same. I really wanted kids so am glad I had them and would have been very, very sad if I wasnt able to.

If I hadnt wanted kids then yes, I am quite sure I would have been happy in that alternative life too

Why may I ask? What’s the difference?

I'm more interested in women's opinions on this subject and generally.

No disrespect to you or men in general - just my area of interest.

Ahhh ok, I thought you were thinking it’s easier for guys to decide! It’s still so hard even though we maybe have a little more time

My sister and her partner have no children. Neither of them ever wanted any and are very happy with their lifestyle.

Honestly, as a teacher I wish more people were self.aware about whether they actually WANT children. There are a sadly large number that seem to mostly exist becauseof societal expectation and the whole.family is a bit miserable.

It’s like asking a 12 year girl with indulgent parents if she wants to grow up and get married. Objectively she’s better off as the 12 year old: no responsibility, fab body, freedom etc. But falling in love and having sex and building a life with a husband is an amazing journey she doesn’t yet know she’s missing out on.

I used to have a glam lucrative career with lots of fun travel. Gave it up to be a mum and I have never had more fun. Turns out joy bliss and adoration are real things.

But no one can walk your path for you. Maybe you’ll have a beautiful kind clever child whose every smile thrills you and who makes your old age a pleasure. Maybe you’ll have a drug dealer. Maybe they’ll have special needs. Maybe you’ll develop kidney disease and they’ll donate the kidney thst saves you.

Who knows?

But maybe you could have been happier if you had stayed with the career, you don’t know either do you?!

If we are playing devils advocate

What a bizarre analogy. Likening an adult in their 30s trying to decide whether to try to have kids with asking a 12 year old - sorry, a spoilt 12 year old girl - whether they want to stop being spoilt and having "a fab body".

Well I don't recognise either of those remarks. It's not at all my experience unfortunately.

I agree this was a little strange

Sorry, you wouldn't be comparing the decision to remain childfree with the decision to remain "a spoiled 12 year old girl", would you? I can't be reading that, surely.
Mumsnet is a real eye opener at times. Without it, I wouldn't know people with your mindset exist!

'I’ve just watched a video where Elon Musk was saying ‘nothing will make you happier than having kids'

I wonder how much time Mr Musk spends with his children?

Yes, that was either a deeply obnoxious, or an utterly unthinking/dim , comparison. I was happily childfree until just before I turned 40 (as in, wasn't planning to have a child, and it had never caused me any inner difficulty), and I can assure you that it was nothing at all like being a 'twelve year old with indulgent parents'.

In fact, I haven't found that being a parent is all that different from not being a parent. I'm the same person I was before, pretty much, just with a child I adore. But certainly I haven't started seeing the world in technicolour, it having been in black and white beforehand, I haven't turned into an entirely different person, and my priorities remain the same, but with the safety and wellbeing of my son added. I think the biggest shift was that my DH and I moved from 'Would take a bullet for you' to 'Would shove you into the path of a bullet to save DS' -- and I genuinely mourned the way we were for a while in the early months.

There is an interesting podcast called "The Good Life" which is about the largest and longest longitudinal study of human wellbeing in history (still ongoing), tracking people throughout their lives and sometimes across generations of a family. Its findings seem to be that what constitutes a good life, a happy and fulfiling life, are authenticity, purpose and meaningful connection to others.

Material trappings may make this easier to achieve, but in themselves don't bring happiness. For many people it is children and family that provide this, understandably. However, for others there will be other ways to achieve these prerequisites for a meaningful and happy life.

I will say it how it is - I regret having children. I am an intellectual woman and never had any interest in children or any maternal urges. I only had children because my husband wanted them. I hate every day with them as it is a constant slog of making lunchboxes, cleaning, cooking, yelling, and wiping bums. I love them in my own way but I don't enjoy spending time with them and I find it is getting harder and harder not easier. My house looks like trash, they don't do anything to help and bring me to tears every day with their mean, ungrateful behaviour. They are a waste of time, money, and energy. I regret having children so much, I can't advance in my career, I can't spontaneously watch the theatre shows I want, have to make disgusting food and get up at the crack of dawn 7 days a week to make breakfast.

And that's why no one should have children unless they want them too.
I feel for the children who never asked to be born and whose needs are resentfully met, are yelled at and are considered mean and ungrateful... Kids have to be taught compassion and gratitude, that's what parenting is. If you find your children not grateful enough you have the power to change that through being your own living example and coaching their behaviour. Your DH too of course.

No

DH and I would have adopted if we hadn't managed to get pregnant