Parents do you think you would have been as happy without kids?

[James637]

I’m debating which way to go, and currently very on the fence.

Do you think if you hadn’t had kids you could have been as happy and fulfilled?

It seems like as you get older family and especially children and leaving something behind become the point of life.

I’m struggling to imagine other routes, there’s no life map for childfree people. Anyone know examples of people who lived meaningful lives childfree? (And I mean people you actually know, not Mother Teresa etc)

It’s an interesting question op. I can think of a fair few women of my dm’s generation who were nuns, actively choosing to be childfree although back then it was celibacy that was the focus. And some of them were quite inspirational - working for causes that they were passionate about. I’m not saying all nuns were like that, but the ones who ended up friends with my dm were strong, extraordinary characters.

In my own generation, I’m close to more childfree women than mothers, and all of them are caught up in the daily grind of working pointless (in the greater scheme of things) jobs to pay off mortgages. They travel more, go to more theatre and concerts, but aside from more money and time, they don’t seem to be living a qualitatively different life. One has a very successful career that probably wouldn’t have been possible with children. But is well within the reach of the average married man.

I’d be less tired, less frazzled, more cultured without my dc. Happier? I don’t think so.

I wasn’t a ‘natural’ mother and found parenting quite hard when they were little. I’ve always been focussed on my career, my hobbies, my friends so wasn’t someone who dreamed of a family or being a Mum or someone who lived for it from day one, iyswim.

I have to say, though, they’ve won me over 😆 They’re older teens now and I cannot imagine a life without them. They’re my favourite people and my absolute joy in life. I don’t know what my life would be like without them. I’d be thinner and richer, probably, but there is no way I’d be as happy or fulfilled.

Why would you find it sad? A mother loving her children is sad? I think that says more about you - which I find sad.

No, I wouldn’t have been. But I really really wanted a child/ children and I always knew that, although it was a long bloody time coming! If it hadn’t have happened eventually, well I would have been very sad (the waiting/ dashed hopes were already making me very sad) and would have felt the lack of that family I so badly wanted very hard.

I hope I would have built a fulfilling life that didn’t feel second best, but maybe not.

Now, I actually have DD I can think well it would be lovely to be able to lie in again, or get more peace and quiet, or go on holidays that didn’t revolve around a toddler, to sleep uninterrupted etc. And just be free from the overwhelming responsibility and worry. But I’m happier with her than I ever was or could have been without, definitely, even though it’s quite often really hard and boring - total paradox.

If I hadn’t been so set on wanting to be a mother then yes, I absolutely believe I could have had a fulfilling and just as happy life.

I have a relative in her 80s who has led an absolutely fascinating life without a partner (well lots of boyfriends along the way!) or children. Her whole life/ career has been travel, so many interesting stories and experiences. Now she’s settled in a beautiful place with the closest of friends and still reads, walks, sings, acts and generally has a great life.

My best friend is in her 50s and no children. Again, she has a fabulous life. Has a very gorgeous partner but they don’t live together which is how they like it. Lots of travel again. Mortgage paid off, dropped to part time work, very glamorous and spends lots of time on her creative hobbies and also on herself in terms of fashion, beauty, fitness - not in a vain or insecure way - kind of self expression and genuine interests of hers. I think once upon a time she’d have liked children, but not in that all consuming way I felt and she made peace with it not being her path quite early on. She and her partner have big plans for early retirement and a move/ new venture abroad.

That post wasn't a mother loving her children. It was a woman quite literally saying her existence and herself are worthless without them. Which begs the question, what happens if her DC feel the same way? Is that what any sane person would want to model for their DC? Do they just keep kicking the can of justification for existence down onto the next generation? How many men feel completely worthless outside their role of father?

No, because I really wanted them, iyswim and would have been really sad not to be able to.

BUT if I'd not have really wanted them, then yes definitely.

If that makes sense.

You missed the whole point.

I love my partner but I wouldn't feel worthless without him, my life wouldn't be empty.

Burdening your DC with being your whole life is sad and intense

I think mine have made me happier, I’m lucky that they are lovely adults now. On the other hand I see childfree people and they seem to be happy as well. And certainly richer.

No. Ds is the light of my life. 😊

I'd be retired by now if not for ds, but I'd be bored.

You could go to the Child free Forum on here to see many happy women enjoying life without kids. I do have kids, but I also have several happy and fulfilled child free friends. Of course there are lots of life maps without kids. without turning into a nun!

Thanks for the insight everyone.

It’a definitely a ‘sliding doors’ scenario because it’s impossible to know the alternative. Right now staying child free feels more comfortable but at the same time it’s living with the not knowing how you would feel on the other side of the fence. I guess if you have kids then you take away that wonder because the decision is done and dusted. I’m single at the moment, but I can’t imagine I will get into a relationship, decide to stay childfree and the ‘what ifs’ will disappear. I just can’t see that happening.

I’m not good with uncertainty and this is the biggest life gamble of all!

On a side point… I’m financially in a very good place and could easily take 5-10 years off working when the child/children were small. How much difference do you think this would make? Would I be more likely to enjoy it and not be stressed or are a lot of the parenthood stresses not able to helped or solved with money? I know this is obviously subjective but just interesting to see how many people think kids would have made them happier if it wasn’t for the negative effect of finances.

Having children has most definetly made my life happier, harder, but happier.

I did parties and travelling in my twenties. Early thirties I started to feel bored of that kind of life. We got two dc and early years were awful but now they are older d life is very nice.

I had mine in my 40s. I never wanted kids. Even when we decided it have them it was a case of let's try for 6 months and if it doesn't happen we will forget it, so I've never had that strong desire for motherhood. My life before kids was full and exciting. Obviously I wouldn't be without them now but if we didn't have them I think we would be just as happy, just in a different way.

I could have been happy and fulfilled without my kids too. May have been a bit lonely as I got older, as I find friends have drifted a bit.

I never wanted children but had one when I was nearly 40 essentially because of FOMO.

It's relentless, boring at times and it's taken my marriage to the brink. I often crave what my child free friends have (time, space, energy) but at the same time, I don't regret it. There's no point. This is my life and it's a different life, but not worse.

In short, I almost certainly have had a very fulfilling life without a child, but I might always have had 'what if?' feeling. That's just me though. Not one of my child free friends regrets their decision.

Most people's lives - with or without children - revolve around paying the bills and hoping to enjoy some leisure time once the shopping and housework is done.

Childless adults have the same holiday allowance as parents and IME tend to spend it holidaying in Portugal and Padstow rather than backpacking around Peru.

Childlessness is a valid choice but let's not glamourise it.

It seems like as you get older family and especially children and leaving something behind become the point of life.

Why on earth are you considering remaining childfree if you think this?!

I'm 39, have happily been with DH for nearly 20 years, and am childfree. I love my life and your statement wouldn't even cross my mind.

That's why remaining childfree is the right route for me, and having kids is probably the right route for you.

Happier, probably. But less fulfilled.

I mean to be fair, I don’t know this personally as I’m 34 but I imagine as you get into 50’s plus and parents have passed etc that it becomes quite isolating as a couple without children?

My childfree friends are fabulous aunts, have lots of friends, are involved in the community and so on, so not isolated. I don't have family nearby and a lot of my friends have moved, so I might have been more so. Also DH is a very quiet man and has gotten quieter in his 50s!

Yes. I’m glad I have a child but it wasn’t a must for me.

Again, making these statements means you should have kids. Which is fine.

Honestly yes I think I would. I got pregnant quickly twice and was never that broody so I’m aware I’m coming from a position of not having longed for my children. They are fantastic and I don’t regret having them and they are great company now they are older and I like them being more independent. However I do reckon if we’d decided not to give it a go getting pregnant I’d have been as happy without them

But also I didn’t find having young kids fulfilling or that they added meaning to my life. I don’t think people’s lives are more meaningful because they have kids or not. It added a role to my life which was a bloody chore at times!