Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Oh no I’m sorry. Do you want to offload what happened today? 💐

Hi Girlattheback I feel so alone. Thank you for answering me. I keep crying but that helps nothing.
.they've completed a MARF referal. Not really sure what that means & I don't want to Google.

I'm covered in bruises but my son has some too

I'm a terrible, terrible person & I don't deserve my children.

He was flinging bloody great stones at his bedroom window & kicking the hell out of his bedroom wall (which already has half the plaster off) & kicking the hell out of his sister's bed (which is already barely holding together)

The house sounds like it's falling apart but that's because it is. Their bedroom door is swinging by the top hinge.

None of that matters. I held him on his bed & I shouldn't have. He got even mo furious & things got physical. He's kicking me in the mouth/head/boobs/tummy. He kicked me so hard that he knocked me off the bed twice but none of that matters.

I was crying on the floor & he went charging for his sister so I had to just get up & carry on taking my beating. It's all I deserve.

All that matters is that my baby is hurt.

He said he wants to live somewhere else & I told him I agree with him. I've failed & they would be better off somewhere else.

StrugglesSadness you have not failed him. You can't carry on living like this - I think that you need to contact the police and/or social services. So sorry that things are so tough.

Social services are coming today. I couldn't talk to him much on the phone as my son came & started demanding food etc. They asked if there's anywhere my son can go & I said no as I have nobody

His dad's on holiday.

They are going to take my babies aren't they

I've just made the scrambled eggs on toast with cheesy sticks, mini sausages, cucumber & grapes. All of their fave things.

I suppose that's the last meal I will get to make them. And that's ok. They will be happier elsewhere.

I'm sorry it's come to this. Try not to blame yourself. You did your best.
The son being in care is likely the best thing for him where he can get proper help.

It really does not sound safe for you son to live with you and your other DC at the moment. Hope that suitable arrangements can be put in place quickly. So sorry that you are going through this. The only people who should be blaming themselves are the professionals who consistently let you all down. Take care

Social worker came. Didn't take them away. I told her honestly how I feel they will be better living elsewhere & she said we can discuss it another day. She said my son's bruises clearly weren't done maliciously.

She was here for around an hour & in that time picked up on the fact that she thinks my daughter may be ND too. I told her that I'd been thinking this too but that when I mentioned it to the Support worker she said I'm 'Seeing autism everywhere'.

I am sorry today was tough. I know I go on about it, but applying for an EHCP includes a social care assessment and for some of this, it can be written in a plan.

Generally, it is really hard to have your kids taken away and it’s clear they don’t think that they are at risk of serious harm. However, it is not enough for them to not offer you support, so please ask for more respite as I think that is what you need. You could also ask them to help you apply for an EHCP.

Thank you imip I appreciate all of your posts even if it might seem like I'm not acting on them.

Yesterday was truly awful. The worst day we've had. I had to undo the triple locks on the front door to let them in (that stop my son running out) & I burst into tears on opening the door, just thinking 'What the hell has my life become' & then I was furious with myself for crying thinking 'They will think these are just tears for sympathy' but they weren't. I genuinely thought they were coming to take my kids. I'd packed them favourite PJs & teddy's, ready to go.

I'm hoping they will actually help me with some stuff like support & EHCP now, I mean, if they aren't taking my kids then they have to help, right? Otherwise what was the point in me reaching out & screaming for help?!

I barely slept last night & when I did sleep, I had a nightmare about being beaten up by somebody who I couldn't see. I woke up all confused, thinking it was my son hurting me, & it was yesterday.

They told me to insist their dad takes them early on Sunday. Easy for them to say.

I'm sat in bed writing this, the kids are in here reading books, I don't want to get up & start another awful day

Oh wow struggles that sounds horrendous. I’m not surprised you are on your last legs. Please don’t think that you deserve the abuse you are getting from your son. You absolutely do not. How are you feeling today? 💐

Hi *Girlattheback" Thank you for checking in on me, you are very kind. I just updated. I'm hiding in my bed, not wanting to face today. I went to bed just after 8 with a migraine & it's still there today.

I know they never said that they were taking my kids yesterday but I didn't see why they wouldn't, & I feel like I don't know how to centre my emotions kind of, today, I'm still on that alert that 'Somebody is coming to take my babies & I don't want them to but at the same time it's for the best'.

We cross posted. 😁 If everything is quiet atm and they are reading books then keep doing that. Go grab a cup of tea or coffee if you can and just stay in bed.

That doesn't work Girlattheback I can't even go for a wee without them both following me going 'Are we getting up?'

It’s a horrible feeling when you have no one to turn to. I’m sorry the services who should be helping are not. The social worker suggested insisting their dad has them on Sunday. Is that the day he’s meant to have them?

You can google "coventry grid". This is a tool used to inform professionals whether this is autism or attachment difficulties.
Maybe you could ask your family therapist to do it with you, they would be trained.

Girlattheback Yes, he's been on holiday so he's missed his last few days, he's having them on Sunday but I never know times, just have to go by when he tells me on Saturday night, so they said to text him & tell him that it has to be early on Sunday.

tostaky Thank you, I did that earlier in the thread, it was 2 marks towards trauma & all the others towards ND.

The family therapist sessions have finished now, he was always firmly in the 'Its trauma' camp, then he changed to 'Its ND/OCD', then at the end he changed back to 'Its trauma'.

Fingers crossed their Dad steps up on Sunday and has them. Sounds like you desperately need a break.

Unless the family therapist did proper testing I wouldn’t put much stock in what they think is going on. You live with your child you know him best.

I hope today is a better day.

Thank you for all of your support Girlattheback. I don't think there's a single person on this thread who thinks that therapist was a good fit for us (or knows anything about ND)

I did have a response from Family First about his statement saying 'Autism & ADHD are a response to trauma'. I sent them his whole email in the end. They said he's talking nonsense & they'd be interested to know what training he's had in this area BUT that they don't think he means it as it sounds & it's just badly worded.

Our day has been ok. My youngest was grumpy. We got invited out with my son's friend but I thought I just can't face putting on the happy face in front of somebody else today, so we just went out on the scooters & to the park.

My phone has seemed very quiet, yesterday I had about 10 messages from support worker & then the call from SS & today I've only had 2 messages from support worker.

I'm full of nervous energy tonight.

We are still struggling on, one thing I have noticed is that my son still goes from 0-1000 in seconds with his meltdowns, but instead of eventually falling asleep or calming himself, I have been able to stop things before they go on for too many hours... The violence towards myself is still horrific, I've got a horribly sore arm today from where I put my arm across my face whilst ushering my daughter away with the other arm, & he smacked the hell out of my arm hard with a hairbrush.

Also he's threatening to eat batteries etc but not actually putting them in his mouth.

So, it's a good thing that I've managed to help stop the last 2. One with distraction with a toy & one with him helping me make lunch.
And it's a good thing that he's stopped putting batteries in his mouth.

Also, he's been dry overnight for the past 4 weeks. So those are all pluses.

SS are being about as useless as everybody else tbh. They've not been to see us since, they've not spoken to me since, & I heard from the support worker yesterday that they will see me at the next school meeting in 2 weeks time. And then they will come up with a plan.

So the plan for the summer holidays was that the support worker come to see us weekly. She came twice. Once when I asked her to come because we were in crisis.

Hi, I could use a friend today if anybody's there?

I've held off posting a bit tbh as I don't want to be told off for not applying for an EHCP yet, I know it's not 'real' on here, I just can't face any more negativity right now.

I will get it together & try to sort things myself, because nobody else in RL is helping me.

I just re-read my last post & it's a billion miles away from where I am now.

I'm really struggling.

My son has managed the first week of mock sats. He's held it together at school. He's not been in tears at pick up, he's only run from home (to school) once, all in all, that's not been too bad. I'm so so proud of him. He's amazing. He truly is. I don't know where he gets it from, his academic side.

At home, is another story of course.

We had the police the other night. I showed them my arms (covered in bruises) & they said 'But you don't have any serious injuries?' I told them that I was sat on the floor & my son was standing on the back of my head & neck, but no there's no serious injuries.

The support worker told me yesterday that she 'Noticed' my bruises at the meeting (but she didn't say anything at the time) she asked if I'm hurt. I said 'What does it matter? Nobody cares & nothing changes'.

I asked my kids dad if he can have them for a while today. He's having them for 2 hours. He turned up & my son let him in, I was upstairs crying & my daughter is shouting & banging the walls/stamping her feet, copying all the words her brother screams at me.

He didn't offer me any comfort. He didn't ask if I was ok, he didn't say anything to me apart from confirming 2 hours pick up. he looked at me with contempt like I'm such an inconvenience.

He's right.

I went & spoke to the school head teacher yesterday. I cried. She cried too. I told her that the police actually got us into a horrible awful situation the other night, where myself & my daughter were trapped in the hallway & my son had a bread knife.

I just keep re-playing that in my mind. I had my daughter behind me, she was as safe as I could get her & I was screaming & crying down the phone to the police.

I was explaining what was happening as calmly as I could. It's very difficult, when somebody is trying to kill you, & you have to guard your daughter, & you have to give updates to the police, & you have to get up & do the school run the next day.

I got us out of that situation & also got my daughter's dressing gown & her fave teddy & we waited outside. She seems ok. She's not said much. My son seems ok. But I know they aren't. Obviously they aren't.

I told the head teacher that they need to watch her extra closely because she shouldn't be having to deal with this, & she isn't talking.

None of this is ok.

The police, this time, were very kind. One of them had been before. They were all furious that my son isn't 'On any meds' or that my answers to every questions was 'Nothing really'. (What are social services doing to help? Nothing really) They said he clearly wasn't capable of calming himself.

They said as well as the usual report they send, they will also email Support worker & tell her to help us.

They said that I should take their camera footage to the GP & ask them to help.

My daughter told them that my son is always trying to kill her & me. She's so strong. She's so brave. She is simply the bravest child.

I think that's just a lot of words that I've written, in a mess, really isn't it, if anybody reads it.

I'm trying. I'm really trying. I love my children so much. I let my son beat me every single day because I love him so much. One day things will be better for them.

I don't want to be here anymore.
I don't do anybody any good.

I'm struggling a lot with these feelings, that it would be better for me to end things.

Oh op, I am sorry to hear this and it does sound difficult. I won’t go on about the EHCP (though school can do this and I wonder why they are not).

Have you asked your LA about short breaks (respite for you). This is different in different boroughs. Google short breaks and your LA name.

i think most importantly surround yourself with other SEND parents. People who know what you are going through.

Your son is just very very anxious, he really is. He doesn’t need meds, he needs therapy/assessment. I would be minded to call the CAMHS crisis line instead of the police when this next happens (CAMHS can call the police).

Really, the HT can do a lot more than cry with you - they can push for more assessment. Your borough is likely to have a behavioural outreach team that domes into schools to advise.

You could try contacting your local parent/carer forum to put you in touch with other parents. They vary borough to borough, but it is worth a shot.

if you want to put a rocket under someone to act, go to your local councillors surgery and ask for help or your MP.

Thank you for answering imip. 'Stronger families' said about an EHCP at the other meeting & the head & Senco laughed & said he doesn't meet a single criteria.

SS are supposed to be following up the ND assesment/finding out when it will be done.

I don't know when they will do that though.

I have no contact details for them.

Just to be clear, I don't want my son on meds & never have done but the othe night it did cross my mind that maybe there is something to take the edge off & help him get 'back down' again, but I don't know if they work like that.

The police being angry about the situation (not at me) was good. Because I don't see anybody. I have texts & emails but don't 'see' anybody, or the people who I do see just sympathise or cry. Nobody has that anger to help make things change.

I usually just battle it out. I only called the police as he had the big knife.

I asked the MP before & he didn't do anything.

When we had the last school meeting, the Senco said that my son needs extensive therapy & I agreed with her, but SS said 'There isn't the funding for that'.

Apparently the social worker had sat there & read through all of my emails to the school, before the meeting, & she said he's clearly extremely anxious. But since this meeting, I've heard nothing.

I can't do this.

I don't have anybody else to talk to.

The only other SEND parent I know has her hands full & is patchy with contact (completely understandable)

The 'Young carers' have groups but they aren't nearby & I can't really get there.

Thank you for talking to me.