Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Thank you Grimbelina I thought about making a complaint, I must of read the email (through tears) about 25 times!
But I just want to be done with him. He was always all about the 'trauma' but the last few times he seemed to changed to 'Autism/ADHD or OCD' & he said those in the school meeting too, but then after all that he went back to trauma.

So it actually says 'A lot of the time ASD or ADHD are actually a response to trauma'.

dimples They are, & it messes with my emotions so much! I don't know where the hell I am with any of them.

I was just thinking how funny it is that after everything, the therapist ended up on my side, & then he sent that email & told me that story (In front of the kids, so I couldn't question it) & it was just 'WTF?'

I havn't tried the CAMHS crisis line, thank you for the idea.

'A lot of the time ASD or ADHD are actually a response to trauma'

If the therapist actually wrote that you really do need (if you have the energy) to make even a one line complaint questioning their competence... even for the sake of the families coming after to you as this is very damaging.

I had a report on my son struck off his EHCP - a report which could have undermined it - when I questioned the competence, training and understanding of the 'professional'. They didn't have a leg to stand on.

Grimbelina Yes it's the last line of the email. Before that, he says that he cannot diagnose trauma but has studied it. Really then, he needs to STFU about how he's certain it's trauma then doesn't he.

He has my surveys there, where I answered them honestly saying how I struggle with my own MH & feeling worthless, & thinks that what I need after that awful school meeting, is to read this email.

The more you write about him the more he seems incompetent, which is dangerous.

Autism is not caused by trauma
adhd can look a little like trauma
but adhd exists as adhd
mum disgusted on your behalf
I’m so sorry you have had this experience

Thank you Namechangeforthispostpurpose I appreciate that.

Grimbelina He's been shockingly bad throughout, but the last few weeks have been better. Our family sessions have been about general mindfulness instead of putting my son on the spot about his feelings, so he's been more relaxed, so I've been more relaxed, & therapist has been seeing things from my side... Cynical part of me now thinks that he pretended to see things from my side just to get me to like him!

It's been an emotional few days. Thank you everybody for your responses.

Even if early childhood trauma does link to changes in brain development that otherwise might not have occurred, it doesn't seem very helpful in therapy to discuss this. And way beyond his expertise, is he a neurologist or neurobiologist? Can he read brain scans? Do research? Or is he a counsellor not even a psychiatrist? He sounds very confused.
There is value in knowing that how you behave from now can help some pathways develop, hence different ways of parenting, extreme love etc.
I would def report him to nhs camhs and bcap by forwarding the email he sent and asking if this is right?

Also no scientist says caused by. The very most they will say is possible association / possible aetiology but even then they caveat. Nature nurture no doubt is important and both will contribute to everything.

Sounds awful. Sorry OP, I am on holidays and have my hands full with trying to keep things ‘normal’ atm.

As everyone above says, trauma does not cause adhd. You can say you do not agree and please ask for the research to back this up! You might find they quickly retract this.

i stick with my advice of applying for an EHCP. This takes the control away from school. This is my day job, it’s what I would tell a parent to do. Support is being gate kept by school. They are not the professionals your child needs if they are parent blaming and saying adhd is caused by trauma!

you could try contacting your local parent/carer forum - check your local offer also. Type your local authority area and parent cater forum. I think you need some real life help to guide you. I see how professionals can gang up on parents, you need to take the upper hand. For more real life support, contact a family have a ‘listening ear’ service. That may be helpful to talk through your challenges.

Thank you Boomboom. He did say that 'Sons behaviour suggests that he suffered a traumatic experience during a significant brain development'.

The other thing he said that upset me was 'Children experience trauma through Shouting, negativity, blame, name-calling or fear or caregivers & this would also explain the bed wetting.'

So it also my fault that my son isn't dry at night because he's so terrified of me since I spend all day doing those behaviours to him (according to the therapist)

And reading all that again, he still puts the blame on me, doesn't he?

Thank you imip for answering whilst on holiday! I hope it goes smoothly (ish!) For you.

Yes I need somebody to help me with it, Family First were always on about an EHCP bit they were in the meeting with me too & didn't mention it at all this time, they also made a comment about how I'm not meeting my son's needs, & the Senco actually jumped in & defended me here! (& They swiftly said that they didn't mean it in that way)

So I don't feel like I have them to ask for help anymore (although I did email asking if the statement about trauma & ADHD is true, but didn't give any context & havn't had a reply)

I feel like I'm spending too long waiting for people to help me, aren't I, & the wrong people, & then that doesn't happen & it sets me back.

Boomboom He's just listed as a functional family therapist online, I know he's just done a BA (as he's used that as an excuse to mess around with our appointments)
I can't see any mention of ND training or anything at all to do with ND (there's a lot of stuff to read through though. He's all over the internet)

Try to get a diagnosis privately. The passage of time isn't your friend here. Don't wait for school to get their act together or to be put on a long, long CAMHS list.

Wrt trying to get him to explain his emotions - have you ever tried using a proxy? Could he tell you what a stuffed animal is feeling in any given situation?

I also urge you to get a nanny cam installed and show his recorded behaviour to people with the power to get you the help you and your DS need.

Thank you mathanxiety The ND assessment is being done through Barnardo's, not through CAHMS. All the extra evidence they asked for has been sent so it's just waiting for a reply now.

His swimming teacher finally got back to me & that's quite a good email as it mentions that 'He was very clearly suffering with anxiety' & that 'He needed a lot of extra reassurance in the pool as well' (which I wasn't aware of)

So that's been sent over too.

I've tried things like stuffed animals/play dough/picture cards.

He was full of rage yesterday afternoon but I expect he was disappointed at how the overnight went. Any attempt at talking about mine or his feelings, at any time of day, was met with extreme violence all yesterday.

When I was putting his sister to bed though, he tidied up downstairs, wiped the table & hoovered. We had a few minutes just sat together. It was such a lovely end to such an awful day.

I figured you would have literally tried everything .

If the therapist sincerely believes DS's behaviour is due to trauma and that you have damaged him, then he is duty bound to report you to social services. Which he hasn't done and won't do because he himself knows fully well that his entire performance here has been a giant crock of balloon juice.

Has he any professional affiliations?

mathanxiety I don't know. It's so weird isn't it, & very upsetting. We had that video call where it was all fine & then he sends that email where he makes it sound like I'm an absolute monster.

And his response when I said that I'm at fault then was 'No, there is no blame on you. You are not responsible for your son's dad's actions or behaviour. You are a victim. The children have suffered because of his actions.

You are a kind, loving, attentive, supportive mother, which is what the children need'.

That last line means nothing though when he's sending me these emails. None of it makes sense & it's worse because he didn't just talk to me about it on the video call.

And then after he sent that upsetting email, we had our last family session & he said 'Oh by the way, on the subject of trauma'... & then told me that story about the child who suddenly had no trauma anymore after being sent to foster carers & given hugs.

A ba is a joke degree for Psychology, if counselling there are other way more relevant quals. The only ba not bsc are Freudian which is mostly discredited. Schools are taking a trauma based approach but he is misinterpreting what this means!! Twat. Please report him, he should be registered with bcap. If not who is he? Very weird he's all over the Internet.

Bed wetting more common in adhd

On his Linked In it says he has a 1st class BA Hons in Therapeutic communication & Therapeutic organisation.
He's all over the internet meaning he's talked about his past career in one place & talked about about his new (this one) career in another place & various charity things, it was just a lot of his face at that time in the morning

School pushed for the assessment & said Autism & PDA, they aren't saying it's trauma, they are saying that my son masks at school. But they are now saying that they've got us the assessment (well we are still waiting) & can do no more.

Therapist isn't with school, it's an outside agency who the Support worker wanted us to work with, he just joined the last school meeting.

I know Namechangeforthispostpurpose. I don't know why he even added about the bed wetting n his email, it was just like an extra kick in the teeth as my son's teacher had just sat there in the meeting asking if we had a 'Timeframe for him to be dry'.

On a brighter note, the day has started well for us so hopefully it continues!
We have some vouchers for the cinema & my son loves that as long as he can snuggle up in a corner

How old is he? Bedwetting is often hormonal up to 12 latest no? Was he dry before?

Sounds most like adhd to me but I'm not an expert. Maybe consider moving schools for the fresh start?

Thank you Boomboom He's 10. No he's never been dry over night but since being on meds (1+ year) he rarely wets through his pull-up anymore so there has been an improvement.

Dry in the daytimes but does use weeing & pooing when he's angry as in 'I'm gonna wee everywhere' & does it.

I'm just not sure changing schools at this stage would help my son seeing as his main upsets are change. All the schools around here are similar size, as if I did move him I'd want it to be to a smaller one.

I'm going to see how the new year in September goes. The Senco said that his year 6 teacher & the LSA are both very experienced with Sen so...

We had the support worker round & I've still got that feeling that she's backing off, from how involved she has been, & I realise that's not a bad thing, as the Caff needs to be closed soon so we won't have her any more.

She didn't even mention the awful school meeting (funny, the only person who checked in on me after that shit-show was the therapist)

She asked what the therapist had said at our last session that he was going to recommend we do going forward & I struggled with that a bit & then said... 'Well, you will see when he sends you his report'. I don't want to be the go-between. She can ask him if she wants to know.

She said there's 2 more outside services that we can try before we get moved over to SS & that one of them is something about having somebody into the house who makes short videos of us having a nice time together so that we can remember how we can be kind to each other, or something, hard to talk about in front of the kids.

She said I can have a think about it before I say yes or no but I said 'No, it's fine, let's do it'.

I've still never said no to a single thing they've suggested.

I told her that I tried to get a video recording of my son, I placed the phone down without him seeing but forgot that it made a little click when I pressed start, so he heard it... From then on, he was charging into me/punching me etc & apart from my kind of 'Oof' noise, he was then SCREAMING out 'You hit me! See how evil you are! You hurt me!'
Or I'd say 'You hurt me then' & he'd scream 'Yeah well you hurt me too'.

She said don't worry about the visual & try to get the sound & I told her that's what I was trying to do but surely they need the visual as he's just blaming me if they can't see?

We had a few hours with one of my son's school friends, we've been out with them a few months ago, but this time I really noticed how 'young' my son seems, compared to his friend.

Things got awful today.

I've contacted the support worker as she's still my go-to for the holidays.

I feel absolutely heartbroken that things have come to this. She's speaking to her manager & I'm not sure what will happen next.