Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

I just googled to see if there was a behavioural outreach around here & the only thing I can find is ones to help with kids who are having problems in school. And he isn't.

SENCO and HT are wrong… while he may not show his problems in school, he is masking and it is clear this is coming out at home. he is probably neurodiverse, he needs assistance in understanding his feelings and emotional regulation.

If he is unable to regulate his emotions, there may come a point where this does happen at school.

I got an EHCP for a daughter with your son’s presentation. I got another one for a very ‘well behaved’ child who unfortunately was a massive self harm we and then a ‘school refuser’.

School brought in an EP, didn’t they?

You should call CAMHS just to make sure that he is on the waiting list and find out how long it will be til assessment.

Thank you imip. It was school who said that they think something else is going on for my son (other than just my poor parenting) & it was school who said Autism & PDA (based on how he is at home) but the family liaison officer who said all of that left, & sometimes I feel like the head & the Senco just go along with it, even though the Senco likes to remind me that she was the one who did my son's paperwork for ND & she is 100% behind me.

It was done through Barnardo's not CAHMS. When I tried to talk to CAHMS they weren't taking on new people.

The Senco now, says that high school will be the trigger for my son not being able to 'Hold it in' anymore. But she also said that there's 'Nothing more that they can do' & just to let it happen basically.

Sorry only just seen the notification that you posted this morning. Sounds like you, your son and your daughter have had a really traumatic week. Sending 💐and sympathy. What a terrible situation.

I hope you don’t mind me giving a little advice? It sounds like your son needs CAHMS. Don’t worry about EHCP or social services at the moment. Use your limited energy to try and get him the help he most needs now. You’ll find their contact details online - email them and ask about his status on the waiting list. In the email write down details of his daily attacks, the knife incident etc and tell them you need urgent help. Include a photo of your bruises. Once you’ve emailed, call them and check they’ve got your email and ask them when you can expect help. Keep calling and emailing.

Make a PALS complaint about lead times for CAHMS appointments. Basically you want to make lots of noise. Don’t sit quietly on the waiting list whilst you are in crisis. Ask the school to contact them too. Ask your son’s GP to contact them if you can get an appointment. It absolutely will help. Don’t dismiss medication, the right meds can work wonders.

Take care. 💐

Thank you Girlattheback Yes it's really hard right now. That's an understatement.

The ND assessment is being done by Barnardo's, he's never been on the CAHMS list as they aren't/weren't taking on new cases.

I asked for SS in the school holidays as I couldn't manage & didn't know who else to ask/people have always said that once you get SS involved, things will get better.

That’s interesting- I didn’t know Bernardo’s did that. Where are you in that process with them?

Girlattheback It was a new scheme set up to be done specifically by the school's late last year (as I understand it) My son was 2nd to be put on the list at school, after a child who was about to be expelled (The Senco told me)

That was last September but they asked for more info a couple of months ago so me & the support worker sent them loads & loads of stuff & are just waiting to hear now.

Can you or the Senco ask for an update at all?

Girlattheback It was said at the last school meeting that it's on SS list, to chase the referal.

Support worker told me the other day that they are coming up with a plan next week.

I know I'm too passive. I know I sit around & wait for people to help me. I simply don't have the energy or the fight in me to do this stuff. All of my energy goes on my son either physically or mentally & I can barely function, the day after a bad night.

you can actually go to the GP to refer your son - schools shouldn’t be the gate keepers of referrals - they have little experience of this.

your HT must be aware of the benefits of early intervention!

in some areas, Barnardos are commissioned to do initial CAMHS work.

Thank you imip But it's done now. I just had a quick look, it doesn't say a rough guide to waiting times, it just says it's to stop you having to tell your story multiple times to multiple people.

The Senco wrote her section before but myself & support worker have done 90% of it.

The Senco said something like 'Whilst these behaviours aren't seen at school, I am extremely concerned about these behaviours at home' & on the tick boxes for how bad things are, she ticked the most severe.

Since then we also added a letter from his last teacher that mentioned a few new things. Also his swimming teacher gave me a letter detailing how anxious he was & how much 'Extra' support he needed, in the water & to get into the water, the first few times.

That’s good news. I hope the plan comes through next week, do let us know what they come up with.

I completely understand how exhausting it is, that there’s nothing left for anything else. Know that you are absolutely doing your best. It’s not passivity, it’s mental and emotional exhaustion. As mothers of special needs children being pushed beyond the brink is par for the course. It’s tough and everyday you need to dig deep to find the strength to get through it. It totally and utterly sucks!

Take care 💐

Girlattheback I think that's it. Mentally, I just don't feel like I 'have' anything left. I'm not doing anything, just existing in this sheer hell that is my life.

And if it's that hard for me, then I can only imagine how hard it is for my kids

It is really sad that this is additional needs parenting, but it is. I am frequently just wiped out sleeping from midnight - 5:30 making sure my dd doesn’t harm herself. Then getting them all to school and dealing with the meltdowns on the way to school. Mine are not always at school, so I am trying to work and manage them at home wondering when I will have to stop working.

but the beauty of it is that you learn to celebrate the new highs, however small they are. Dd went to a concert last night with a friend - she is so pumped, it is so lovely to see. She now has a social
life, started at a new sixth form and has quickly found her tribe. Re has reinvented herself. She is only doing what other 16yo do, but two years ago she was an inpatient in a tier 4 unit and just wanted to die. She would only eat if we went in to feed her and she was very anorexic. You learn to celebrate what is ‘normal’. She was perfect at school, actually a prefect! But she masked and school recognised these needs outside of the school, I fought for an EHCP. I know we have a long road ahead and lots of hard work. You are not alone ♥️

Thank you imip. I truly appreciate you posting, even though you are going through hell yourself, you (& everybody else) still takes time out of their day to talk to me. Thank you.

Also, that's a lovely thing to read about your daughter. Really lovely.

Then there's a day like today, where I try & open up to somebody about how hard things are for me, & they say 'Why don't you actually get really angry with him. Use force. Be rough with him. I did it with mine (autistic child) once & they never hurt me again'.

That wouldn't work though, would it? Because he's not doing the behaviour to hurt me, he's doing it because he's overwhelmed, isn't he? (Much as it's hard for me to see that sometimes, especially when I'm in the middle of it & he's been beating me for 6 hours) but he is doing it because he's upset isn't he. Not to hurt.

He doesn't have the thought process to think, the next time he gets angry 'Ok I won't hurt mum because last time this happened'.

Right? Or have I completely misunderstood?

See, now I wish I hadn't opened up to anybody as it's just left me more confused.

You’re right. Getting angry would escalate the behaviour not diffuse it. And using force / being rough …. Yeah that’s child abuse.

It’s so difficult to open up to anyone, I’m now very guarded when it comes to talking about my DD’s issues because most people just don’t get it. I boil it down to the 3 types …

The know it all. I did it like this and so should you, that’ll fix it.

The one upper. I have a friend/acquaintance/family member who has cancer or a much worse experience of your issue so your problems aren’t that bad

The totally clueless. You open up about your worst day (which is unimaginably bad) and they then start talking about their “stressful” day. My Dd had a 4 hour panic attack I didn’t think she’d ever calm down …. Oh I know I’m stressed too I dropped my green smoothie on my shoes this morning. Okaaaay, that’s the same then!

It’s experiences like you’ve had today with a ‘know it all’ that make you feel so very alone. I don’t know anything about Autism parenting but I do know what it feels like to be completely out of your depth, desperate for help, and not receiving any compassion when you do open up.

Anyway, Are you okay? Was the 6 hour beating today? 💔

Thank you Girlattheback It was really confusing to hear because, I'm not perfect, I have shouted before, I have used force to hold him on his bed away from me (I'm absolutely not proud of it & that was the day that I called SS & said that I need some more help) and, like you say, he didn't stop at all, he got even MORE angry.

Generally, people tend to go with the... 'Just tell him firmly to stop. You clearly aren't firm enough with him'. & 'My kids know that I wouldn't put up with that so they don't do it'.

Thank you for talking to me.
Today was tough. We are doing this thing where somebody comes in & records us being nice to each other, in the hopes that my son will remember the good times next meltdown (I mean, I don't hold out much hope but I've done everything they've asked of me)

We only have to do 6 sessions, this was session 3 & the last ones & today's has lead to my son having a meltdown.

Luckily it was only a couple of hours, couple of bruises for me. Our longest ones have been 6 hours. He goes until he exhausts himself & falls asleep, then sometimes he wakes after a few mins, or he sleeps until morning then wakes in the same mood & carries on the next day.

I've just googled & it says the assessment with SS can take up to 45 days. We are on day 33. It feels so long. Just waiting. I always thought it was within the month, not sure where I got that from!

I text our Support worker today & told her about my son's meltdown last night & all I had back was 'How is he today?' The silence, from everybody, when they know how hard myself & the kids are finding this, is just absolutely shocking, & heartbreaking

I think restraining your child to keep yourself and your daughter safe is very different to what your friend seemed to be suggesting …. And any parent who hasn’t shouted at their kid is either a saint or has a nanny 😂

I’m sorry you had a rough day yesterday. I hope today’s a little calmer. I honestly don’t know how you cope. You must be running on fumes at this point.

Sounds like you’re well into the SS assessment process. I’d think it’s a good idea to keep them updated on what happens after your sessions, even if the reply seems dismissive, I’d hope it all goes in their notes.

We haven’t had any SS involvement because my DD’s issues are medical but all of the professionals we’ve seen have been quite detached. I guess they have to be for their sanity. It’s difficult though because you are desperate for some kindness, for someone to scoop you up and fix it all.

Have you any idea what help SS might be able to offer after the 45 days?

Thank you Girlattheback. I know, I wish I could deal with the behaviour that I'm dealing with, without ever shouting, but I think I'd have to be a robot to do that!

I think every single professional, at one time or another, has asked me 'Do you ever lose your temper & shout?' & I'm always 'Well, yeah!'

I've got no idea what will be offered, people always used to tell me to ask SS for help, but at the moment I'm not sure why. All I've had is that initial time when they came round, & the once when I saw her at the school meeting.

I update the Support worker & school every time something happens. I've not got the details for the Social worker.

It said online (I'm only getting this from online as they've not told me anything) that they are supposed to see myself & the kids 'several times' during the assessment, & also their dad. I don't know though.

Yes I imagine you have to keep yourself guarded to do that job don't you.

Today, my son is 'On the verge of a meltdown' which means I'm on full guard to stop things escalating, & often my efforts fail, & mentally & emotionally, having to be this 'On it' is just exhausting.

But it's fine, it's how it is.

Well I was talking to a 'new' parent about things, they have a son with autism & everything matched up, it was so nice to offload a little, & then I said 'We had the police the other night'... They just stare at me & say 'You called the police on your own child?' & then they uttered those words that I hate. These words are going to haunt me until the day I die... 'My child wouldn't do that to me because they know I wouldn't put up with it'

So that was the end of that 'Support'.

Last night was horrendous. 5 hours. My son used every single thing that he could pick up, as a weapon. My arms are more bruises than normal skin colour now. I got asked the other day 'Why does he always go for your arms?' He doesn't. He goes for my head/body & I put my arm across to protect myself. Punches to the stomach, when I'm not quick enough with my arm, are frequent.

I threw up during last night's meltdown. I've been unwell. He used this opportunity, when I had to strip my clothes as they were covered in sick, to grab my door keys & hide them from me. So we were now triple locked in at the front & had no way to open the door.

I just wish I knew what to say. Sounds so basic, but I wish I knew what to say, to make whatevers going on in his head better.

I thought about ringing CAHMS last night but since he's never been on their list, I just didn't think they'd help. Thought about the police but since he didn't have an 'actual' weapon, then every other time it's been a bloody nightmare to get them to come, & I couldn't deal with that last night, them telling me to 'Just parent your child' like they have done in the past.

I asked his dad to come. Told him that I'd been sick down myself. But he didn't come.

So we just managed. I keep telling my son how much I love him. Even during all of it. How much I love him.

I sent the Support worker a big long email detailing everything that had happened & put on the bottom 'I contacted SS because I can't manage this situation. I need some more help with this. I have no contact details for them, it's now 38 days later, are we going to get extra help from them or not?

(I have to scroll back 2 calender pages on my phone, to the date when I called them. Highlighted in Red. It's just crazy)

So I managed about 4 hours sleep. The bedroom door was put back on the hinges just over a week ago. It's now broken again.

I just need to get my kids to school today. I just need him to be ok today.

Oh that’s rough. Even amongst SEN parents there differences. This parent was ‘lucky’ that their diagnosis had taken place and it has probably brought with it more support.

The police have been called on my child by a member of the public. I found their understanding of autism very poor and actually harmful, but they did keep her safe at a moment that counted.

it sounds like it would be beneficial for him to be on the dynamic support register. In some areas you just need to be on the autism waiting list (I think).

CAMHS crisis might not be willing to help, but they should put a call through to social care - it’s about getting the right people around the table to get support.

it’s sounds like his anxiety is sky high and he spends the whole time keeping it together for school.

I know I mention the EHCP, but this is where those services involve begin to take accountability. They (school and social care) know what’s going on, but they are not acting. It’s not going to solve everything, but at this point you just need more support.

imip Things carried on this morning. I got them to school half an hour late. He told me he's upset about some things that are happening at school today & I told him how proud I am of him that he's been able to tell me that. I asked him if he could try to be brave & tell the school some of his worries. He said he will try.

I told him I know that it seems like nobody is listening but they are listening & we all care about him.

(They aren't really listening thought are they)

We got to school & he went in with the Senco, I'm trying so hard to hold it together today... she's just phoned me & said that he told her what happened last night & today & that's the first time he's ever spoken to her like that, & she's doing a MARF referal.

What is a MARF referal?

I had a little Google & it said it's for children at risk, are they saying my children are at risk from me?

I'm battered & bruised, a bite mark added this morning, but they are at risk from me?

Anyway, she also said that my daughter is going to be doing play therapy. She said my son doesn't need it as he already gets his anger out. Yeah. By beating me.

You don't need to understand for reinforcement to work, that's why it works for animal training.
I imagine it is very confusing to your son if you keep saying I love you when he hits you. When people say they wouldn't let them they probably do mean they shout no and restrain if necessary.
If school are serious they don't see this behaviour it is more than masking, if he was completely unable to control himself it would be clear at school too.
Have ss offered you a parenting course that you then follow through? I highly recommend these.