Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Grimbelina We are in Suffolk.

Suffolk sendiass actually have a YouTube channel with lots of videos on how to put together your own EHCP parental request. Maybe you want to give it a go yourself? Maybe they can check it over and add advice?

Email everyone on this list with a video and all the evidence you have and a plea for help and that the school aren't helping.

https://www.suffolk.gov.uk/children-families-and-learning/pts/if/our-one-page-profiles

Thank you imip I will wait to hear from Sendiass & see what they say.
Thank you CarelessSquid
I finally heard back from Therapist & all he said was 'I'm not able to do that, ask your support worker'.

There's only 3 weeks left at school & we are supposed to have a Caff meeting & a meeting with my son's new teacher in that time but neither are booked.

Nothing much to update with. Still struggling on. Meltdown on Saturday where he charged at his sister first & punched her several times before I could get there. Tried to get over the back gate (6 foot) then wee'd all over his bed/the bedroom floor.
Then shoved his sister's pillow/toys/blanket out of the opening in his bedroom window (not a big thing obviously but upsetting for her) it doesn't open much due to the lock which is like a chain.

Therapist has just cancelled today's session but offered a video call. So we had 6 that 'Weren't to be changed', we are up to lesson 4 of the 6, & he's changed 2.

Hi, sounds like you’ve had a rough weekend. Sorry you are not getting anywhere with help. Is there a branch of Home-start in your area? It’s a charity that arranges parent support.

Hi Girlattheback Thank you, how are you doing? I had Homestart when my relationship first ended. I have Family First working with me now (That's who my volunteer is) I think they are very busy around here as I've heard a few people saying they have them at the moment. They are lovely to chat to but seem to be limited in what they can actually 'do'.

They gave me the phone number for 4YP today in the hope they might be able to organize/know how I can access some counselling for my son, I'll call them tomorrow. I'm hoping Sendiass get back to me soon too.

My son came out of school today all upset because the Support worker went to see him during his favourite lesson. And as predicted he's very upset about not seeing the therapist tonight... Isn't it great when everybody who is supposed to be helping, actually make things worse!

4YP & CAHMS aren't taking on any new cases.

Sendiass got back to me & told me that I need to be really clear with the school what I need them to do & what I'd need an EHCP for so I'm going to have a look at their YouTube to see if that helps as I'm a bit lost.

Video call with the therapist & he's adamant that a psychologist is the wrong way to go. Made me really angry. He's my son & this man barely knows him. He said to have his sessions end & add a psychologist instantly is just going to upset my son.

I didn't say anything to that as I felt like him & the support worker (who was with me) were ganging up on me... But I thought that all services are backed up so how would it ever be, in 2 weeks time, when the therapist sessions stops, there just happens to be a psychologist available?

He asked (again) why we are pursuing the ND referal & asked if the school agree with me. I told him that it was the school's bloody idea in the first place!!! He makes me sooo angry!!!

I told him how the last 2 days have been (absolutely horrendous) he got hold of a large knife too
As my son has been so distressed about sports day.
And that my son used to be able to 'hold in' any upset until the walk home from school or later at home, but now, he often comes out & his face instantly crumples & he can't hold in whatever upset there has been that day, any longer.

Then he said 'Aah. That is a strong sign of additional needs then. Masking like that'.

It's like he's never listened to a word I've told him

Have you ever gone to the GP and asked for an autism/adhd referral? If not, please do. Have a look at the diagnostic criteria for both and then see how your son’s profile matches this. Then ask to be referred.

No imip. Isn't that the same as the referal for Autism/PDA we've just done though through Barnardo's?

Another night of it. I just grabbed my phone. He seems calm for now but obviously I know his mind is in turmoil. He's cut my arm flinging a book at me & worked out how to unlock the window lock downstairs without a key.

He doesn't want to go on his school trip tomorrow.

The ND paperwork has been sent off by the support worker (all amended) yesterday. I've just been told as I asked... I feel a bit strange that I've not seen it before it was sent? It's about my son after all...

When we originally started re-doing it she said I'd get to see it & check it over & say if I wanted anything added or taken away.

I feel like she's (support worker) lost interest in us to a point, she told me that her manager is pushing for her to close the case. I just don't understand it, I was on the phone to him just the other week telling him that I can't cope & he's reading out our file about bags being put over our heads etc & then he tells her to close the Caff.

Looks like we are truly are being left to get on with it then.

She told me that the psychologist who I saw but wouldn't see my son, a few months back, only usually deals with the professionals but he took a special interest in our case as he read about how bad things were for us & asked to meet me, so things are so bad that they are closing our case?!

I had to fill in the evaluation sheet for the therapist yesterday, with him sitting there, so that wasn't awkward at all.

parentingaspetcs I'm sure I've seen that before but will give it another read.

So I have a copy of the form on email. It's good. But I saw a whole lot of stuff that had been missed so sent a massive email asking if all of that could be added... I feel bad about that & apologized twice but at the same time, she should have checked with me first shouldn't she?

The extreme violence, I'm the only person who sees that, so I corrected & added things like - he doesn't just wave a knife around, he actually charges at me with it aimed at my heart, & she said the mask is starting to slip at the end of the school day, so I explained exactly how it's slipping, & the horrendous time we've had with sports day, whereas every other year he's sailed through that.

Draining, & emotionally rough, but it's done.

Support workers do have quite a limited time that they spend with families - literally weeks. My dd was also v violent. Is it helpful to view his violent behavior as extreme anxiety (because it is). It can present as self harm, eating disorder, school avoidance, OCD. This is how it is for your son. I would fill in the paperwork for a parental request yourself. You can do this. I have and many other do. You can go to the SEN boards for support. I know it’s exhausting, that is special needs parenting. I am sleeping outside my dd bedroom right now to keep her safe, and I need to work today. The SN boards were a god send to me 10+ years ago when my dd was inexplicably violent but an autistic girl masking and I was utterly disbelieved.

the forms are sent off now. Have some small goals - perhaps. The parental request. Become knowledgeable, see if there are drop ins or charities that provide support. Look on your local offer online. Did I mention short breaks before- look into this also.

Thank you for your kind words imip, especially after you've struggled so much for your own DD.

I know I need to get on with the parental request. I have Family First coming too so I'm hoping they can help.

Yes I think we've been spoiled by this support worker, as we had her around a while lot & all of a sudden everybody is backing off & it's a scary thought, but at the same time it's ok, I can do this.

It says on the form that we've now had this Caff for 2 years which of course I knew, but seeing it written was pretty sobering reading. We've only had this support worker since December though, first support worker was useless.

(Small note, everything feels MUCH worse right now as my kids dad is being an utter arse to me, so the very, very little support I had from him is gone)

Does you DD manage with holidays? I was looking yesterday actually, we've never been away, I'm just terrified of my son running off in a strange place.

I know it's not violence meaning violence, I just wasn't sure if there was any difference between the wording used, probably focusing on the wrong thing but he's my son & I want it written how it is.

I just had a really helpful video call with the therapist, he read out my son's scores to his questionnaire & it's bad. It's really bad. My son has answered with total honesty & has added some comments too. It's heartbreaking.

I had to have a few minutes of silence whilst I composed myself.

Therapist thinks there's 'Something like Autism, ADHD or possible OCD' now.

He says that the school should be doing much more & he mentioned an EHCP.

He offered to have a call with dad & I said I don't think it will make any difference but I will think about it. I told him honestly that we've been arguing lately (about his lack of help for the coming holidays) & he said he can see how much I'm hurting. He said that dad needs to be on board but he clearly isn't.

He apologised for upsetting me today & said it wasn't his intention, I said that it's fine, I'm so proud of my son for being honest like that & it was me that asked for the questionnaire answers anyway.

He said that this definitely isn't just a case of a child having a strop because they aren't getting their way... (Me assuming here as I couldn't bring myself to ask, but maybe he came into the sessions thinking that's what it was, & he's finally realised otherwise)

I feel absolutely drained, but good, like things are moving forwards.

He said that he completely understands why I'm chasing a diagnosis now & also understands how, if it happens to be a yes, it will change things for the better.

He wasn't going to come to the school meeting next week, but he said that he definitely is now, & I feel like he is finally in my corner.

My poor son

So it's all go next week, I have Family first one day, Support worker one day, School meeting, video call with therapist, last session with therapist (I'm seeing him 3 times next week!)

I hope this week has been ok.

my dd has got better with holidays - not perfect but she comes and enjoys elements of them, and we have learned to pace ourselves slowly (we backpacks a lot pre dc so like to spend a lot of time out there on a budget!). Our easiest D became out most hardest and volatile - just didn’t see that coming.

Hi imip Thank you for sharing that about holidays, it's helpful. They like to surprise us don't they!

I'm still not decided, I've got the link saved on my phone but I keep going over the 'What if's'. Mainly what if he gets upset & charges off from the caravan site.
And that people are gonna say 'Oh look, she put herself first & prioritised a holiday when her son clearly can't handle it.

Our week has been good, actually!
Little blips over parents evening (& school changed the day which didn't help)
& Therapist changing the day of his last session... Seriously, I asked for the last 6 to be 'Set' & he's changed 3 out of the 6!!

But nothing major there. Screaming & crying down the phone to me the other day as he didn't want to be at his dads. It's sooo difficult as, if I were to go & pick him up, it would instantly change to... 'You won't let me see dad!'

Well the school meeting was shockingly bad. I can't even get my head round what happened really... The therapist was the only one who really 'Had my corner' & he was only there on Teams so they all talked over him.

Oh my god, I just feel absolutely awful. I keep going over it in my head & can't really gather my thoughts.

They are always pointless but this one was different, it was like nobody believes me anymore & I'm not sure why

Is anybody around for a chat?

Sorry StrugglesSadness I just noticed your latest messages. That meeting sounds awful. How are things now?

Hi dimples Thank you for talking to me. I've been doing ok with my own MH for the last few weeks but this meeting & the next day just sent me into absolute despair. I was crying my eyes out the whole way to school pick up (& then shoved my sunglasses on) & that happened 2 days in a row.

I spoke to the therapist on video, the day after the meeting & he said he was absolutely shocked at how little they listened to me in the meeting, he felt for me as, although the support worker has my back, she didn't back me up at all, & it just seemed like they don't believe how bad things are.

I said that's pretty much my take on it too, & that the Senco made a point of saying that she was the one who pushed for the ND referal, but they've now washed their hands of my son. They actually said 'There's nothing more we can do'

He said he has to do a 'What do I suggest happens next for the family' as our sessions have ended, & he's going to suggest everything that I asked for in the meeting (& was ignored) & also an EHCP & psychologist 'But weather the support worker listens is anybody's guess'.

So I was feeling ok about him, all in all.

He then sends me this email link about trauma & it says how 90% of the causes are parental stuff & he ended it with something like 'Keep in mind that ADHD is often a response to trauma'. So if my son does get diagnosed, then he's only got it because of me. & Anything else that he's struggling with, is because of me. I said this back to him, that whatevers going on for my son, the blame is firmly at my feet then.

Then we had our last family session where he told me this weird story about a child being put in foster care & their hugs made everything better... So is he saying I don't hug my child enough or that he'd be better off with a foster family?!

He didn't get back to me re my email until the next day.

He sent some wishy-washy 3 line reply saying how it's not me, it's my son's dad, & I'm a victim too, but it doesn't help as I chose his dad. I did this to my son.

It's actually really upsetting me to write those last paragraphs out

I've had to hide it all inside as I took the kids away for the night last night (test run for a holiday) unfortunately my son got upset & spent the night trying to leave/smash the windows/trash the hotel room.

So a holiday is out.

Everything has turned to absolute shit.

I am so sorry to hear all of this... but not surprised that you had 'trauma' thrown at you, just like when 'attachment issues' are thrown at the parents of ND children - we are back to 'refrigerator mothers'. Unbelievable that he thinks that ADHD is CAUSED by trauma when it is neurodevelopmental difference. I would actually be making an official complaint about him on this point alone.

It seems that these professionals are very contradictory- school on the one hand pushing for ND referral and then suggesting that the problems are overstated and the therapist flipping between trauma and ND. I agree with the previous poster I don't think that he can understand ADHD if he thinks it us caused by trauma.

I know you said CAMHS weren't able to help but have you tried their crisis line. My DS has been waiting 2.5 years for assessment and they write to me every few months. The first part is rather dispiriting- don't stress about the wait for assessment as once diagnosed we will wash our hands of your child. But it does also have a phone number for children/yp in crisis.

Sorry that the night away did not work.